Hello MOMS, Im asking this question for a family member. She has a child placed in her home from CPS that she will be able to adopt in 6 months. Although this process has been going on for 3 months now before placement. They were very scatter brained in this situation. Ok baby girl has a hard time sleeping. She wants to be held all the time ( think the foster parent did this). When you lay her down she wakes up crying. Im thinking she is just as overwhelmed as they are. New faces and places. I told them maybe which she will be in daycare around others it may help pull her out of this a litte. Not sure if it's a bonding issue or a baby that's used to being held. They said first night she slept about 2 hours only. Now the new mother is feeling she has taken her from foster parents that she knew and they knew her. I say she is still young enough to adjust. Could be wrong. any info I could pass along would be very appreciated. Thanks mom's you have always been wonderful with your responses.
Have a blessed day
D.
Thanks Mom you answers were awesome and helpful. I passed the info onto the mother. Sorry I did not mention that she is 4 months old. She has appointment Wednesday with pedi. She was born to a mom that was addicted to drugs as one mom put could leave some issues. Talked with them tonite and seems she is doing a little better.:) As Im sure it will take somtime for everyone to get adjusted. Once again thanks for all the responses you sent. Bless all of you.
D.
We really need to know the age of the child to answer this question! My guess is that some sleep training is in order but where I might use a form of CIO with my own child, I would want a more "attachment parenting" approach with a child with attachment issues as this one might have. However, they should NOT overlook the baby's need for sleep and how important that is for a baby's growth and development.
My brother was only 4 months old when he was adopted. He was in an orphanage and didn't get much attention. He had severe bonding issues... even at 4 months.... by the age of two he was diagnosed with Attachment Disorder, very common among adopted infants and children. So the fact this child wants and needs to be held is good.
So yes, an infant in an unstable home that was removed will likely have neglect issues from that, then is moved to foster than another home, it is going to take a lot of time due to the instability, dedication and a lot of holding and caring. Especially if it is a drug baby. Even then there may be long term bonding issues. The program should have some information regarding this. This is likely not an issue the foster parents created.
I agree, co-sleep with this child if possible, or at least room with it, give it lots of close face time, stay home with it and create a very stable environment, like don't pass the baby around to visitors or have other babysitters and caregivers. You don't say how old the child is, but if it's still young enough, child wearing in a sling may be very helpful as well.
This could also be another issue entirely, such as reflux or reaction to formula change. So be sure the baby is checked for that.
This couple should get a book or join a support for adopting babies. There is a lot of information out there.
When my cousins adopted a baby, they were told that no one beside the two of them should hold him for the first few months. My aunt and uncle went to the airport with them to pick him up, and they were not allowed to hold him. My cousin became a SAHM and remained a SAHM mom for a couple of years. I have heard that Catholic Charities requires one of the parents to be a SAHP for a certain amount of time.
I would highly recommend they baby this child and hold her as much as possible. I am a big supporter of co-sleeping, as it has been so important to our boys. But especially in cases like this. This is a child who needs to feel safe with her new "parents." She absolutely does not need to be placed in daycare. That will only make the situation worse. She needs to feel safe in her home!
Please know that my comment about placing this little girl in daycare is not a comment about daycare, as my own 2 year old (almost 3) goes to daycare and loves it!!! This is just a situation where daycare is not the answer.
She can definitely adjust, and she will adjust. But right now, she needs to be held as much as possible. Babies like to be held. Babies need to be held, especially babies who have been moved around.
Tell your friend to hold her and love her and cherish her and just let that little girl know that she is safe!
If your family member really loves this baby she should stick it out and do all she can to make this baby feel secure, which I don't think the baby is. Being passed around surely upsets children. How old is this child? You said the process has been going on for 3 months already. I would not put a child like this in daycare or leave her with other people. I would stay home with her to give her a stable, secure environment until she is settled. It may take a long time too. At bedtime I would rock her and sing to her and let her know she is loved and if she wakes just reassure her and put her back to bed. She will adjust soon.
I agree with the other answers. Tell her, love and cherish the baby. No daycare!!
I think she should find a support group.
I also think babies want to be held. Babies want security. Baby was moved from Mom to Foster to the family member. Baby needs some basic love and attention. I think the family member needs to get back to basics. Don't blame the foster family. Recognize that she's had a really rough first few months and that she has greater needs for love, comfort and security than another baby might. Put the crib in the relative's room for a while. Consider buying a sling to wear the kid more. Etc.
I think she will be alright once she knows she's home. Right now she doesn't know what to expect and wanting to be held at bedtime is looking for security. I'd hold her and put her down when calm, then hold her when she cries...even if it seems to take forever. Assure her that someone is there when she cries. Over time the family member can move the crib back to another room or turn the monitor off. Give her a lovey or special blanket that smells familiar to help make nap time easier.
I think that instead of daycare they should look for one caregiver. One person to offer the child care in her own home so she has less change. It is ALL about security and stability for this child right now.
It could take some time to adjust. My youngest was like that. He didn't want to be put down. He would take naps in a bouncy seat or a swing. He wanted movement. He is now 9 1/2 and is constantly moving. At night he had issues sleeping in he basinet or crib. Most the time he slept in our bed with us that is where he was most comfortable. It gave him secturity that he needed. And this baby sounds like she needs lots of it. There is no telling what she's gone through even before she was born. I have hurd babies can since when they are not wanted before they are even born. Tell her to love that's all she can do!
Good luck and God Bless!
Infants placed through the foster system often have health/mental health issues that play a role in behavior like this. Her bio mom may have exposed the baby to alcohol or drugs during pregnancy or severely neglected or abused the infant after birth resulting in neurological damage to the immature developing brain and psyche. This type of neurological damage often shoes as inconsolable crying and trouble sleeping.
If your friend does not have the Childs medical history already sche should contact the case worker to obtain it. With that information she should contact her pediatrician and get help. There are counselors who can help mom deal with the adjustment period and there are early intervention programs and therapy that can help mitigate the effects of possible drug exposure or neglect.
Good luck.
If she is fostering through CPS in Texas than co sleeping is a huge No! I would highly reccomend a baby sling and "wear" the baby as much as possible. Babies born with drugs in their systems have elevated nervous systems and need to feel very secure. Our baby with same issues came home at 8 months old and while he had fantastic foster parents since birth the sling helped with attachment. I would also recommend she joins a support group. The experienced foster parents are a wealth of information. Most counties have a support group.
My daughter is adopted but I got her at birth. I know other people who have adopted older children and there is usually attachment issues especially if the child has been moved from home to home even at 4 months. I talked to a lady, when I was going through my adoption process, that adopted her dd at 3 months. She never attached with them and is now in her 20's. She said they have a good relationship but the attachement was never there.
Holding her is good. I would not recommend co-sleeping while trying to adopt. Co-sleeping is frowned upon. I am sure when your family member had a home study they had to show where the baby would sleep and have a space for her. I would not deviate from that space while in the adoption process. Once the child is theirs they can co-sleep.
Right now she is trying to get used to them and feeling a loss of the other family she was with. They need to be patient with her for a while until she realizes that she is not going anywhere and feels the love that your family has for her. I wish your family good luck in their adoption process.
An important missing factor is the age of the child, and her relationship with foster parents. My son was adopted at 6 months and adapted as easily as a newborn, but older infants are more aware of strangers and changes. Can she find out how the foster mother handled bedtime? I would try to continue what the baby is used to for a while, she has had enough changes in her life. But it's doubtful the foster mother held her every minute thru the night..... again it would be great to find out. And I did not let my adopted baby cry much at night as my bio daughter, as I felt it was more important for us to bond and for him to feel safe.
You didn't mention the age of this child but I take it that it is still a baby. My husband was adopted back in 1959 and they would take the baby when born to foster parents before the baby went to the adoptive parents at 3 to 5 months old. My mother in law would tell me how Kevin never liked being rocked and held much. He liked to be put in his bed and left to go to sleep on his own. She said he was a pretty sober baby. It surprised me when she gave me his baby book and there was a letter from the foster mother saying how he was very cuddly and loved being held and was such a happy baby. I think he bonded with his foster mother and had seperation issues when he went to his adoptive parents house. His parents are wonderful and very very loving and they are very close though. I do see him have distrust issues still.
I think this child will be ok when she realizes that they are there to stay with. She may be clingy or she may push everyone away. Being in play groups so she learns how other mothers/daughters interact might help her realize that mom's are pretty good people. If she is a 3 or 4 month old baby it isn't unusal for them to wake up crying when laid down. Mine did it all the time as babies and I would just pat them until they calmed down and went back to sleep. Grandbabies are different..lol They get rocked and cuddled and never laid down to sleep in a crib!
Dear D.,
The baby is obviously adjusting, but she is just a baby too. She needs lots of love and I think it is great that she wants to be held. There doesn't have to be anything wrong. My babies didn't have any issues and they still wanted to be held all the time! :-) Best wishes and God bless!
