Hello Moms,
I needed some advice. My husband has a brother back in India, who does not have children and is having problems conceiving. We are married for almost 6 years now and I have 2 children, a 4-year-old boy and a 2-year-old girl. My mother in-law and brother in-law always request me to give them one of my child, but I did not want to both the times. Now, they are requesting me to have a third child and give the newborn for adoption to them. I dont know if that would be very easy. If any one of you have gone through such situation or can advise me regarding this, please reply.
Hello Mothers,
Thanks for your advice, I got courage to talk to my Husband about this issue and the problems that it would create in our family and how it would affect the adopted child. He agrees with me and has explained it to them, but the matter still comes up some times and somehow manages to make me feel guilty. I can understand his situation in this matter. I am coping and strong. Thanks for your Replies.
I have to say I feel for you even having to consider this. As a mother, I cannot imagine giving up a child especially in the same family. I would have a really hard time with this. Coulnd't they just try to adopt one of the millions of babies that need good and loving homes that are living without them right now? Seems like the simplier solution. Would be much easier on you emotionally.
That is the craziest thing I have ever heard of. I don't know much about the Indian culture, but I could never conceive a child out of love with my spouse and just hand it over for someone else to raise. I think that it is horrible for a family memeber, or anyone for that fact to even ask such a thing. There are other ways. They can adopt elsewhere from other people or do a fertility. If they have truly exhasted all of there other options, then maybe they just neeed to except that.
Dear S.,
I am an adoption professional and have worked in the field for neary 14 years doing both domestic infant adoption and international adoption. I also do private consulting for couples that are considering adoption, but don't know which direction they want to go with it. Pleaes feel free to have your relatives call me; ###-###-####. I would be more than happy to talk with them and help set them on the right path to adoption if that is something they are considering.
On antoher note, I am absolutely in shock that that your Mother-in-law would even request such a thing of you..... In all my years of working with infertile couples and their families I have never come across something so bizzare and unreasonable as this... There definately seems to be some boundary issues going on. Although I feel for your family, it is not your job to solve this issue for them. Throughout my career I have had experiences where a birthmother, who is already making an adoption plan, would place her baby with a relative, and I have to say it never works out. In fact it has always caused as lot of resentment and tention in the family dynamic. Please take my advice and do not even consider this. Believe me when I tell you that you will regret it for the rest of your life. You definately need to set some clear boudaries. I wish you and your family the best.
J.
Hi S.,
Absolutely do NOT agree to give up a child.
I talked to psychologist on this topic because my sister was not able to conceive a child.
The psychologist explained that if your children see you have a baby and give it up to someone else, it will impact their feelings of well being, safety, and security (because they might be wondering if you plan to give them up?).
My sister did successfully adopt a child but she's in San Francisco - she worked with social agencies and adopted from South Vietnam.
There is paperwork involved to show that the household having the adoption has financial resources to care for a child and so on. In my sister's case, her daughter came to her just before first birthday.
Congratulations on being the Mom of two and also working. I expect you will eventually get to be auntie to your brother-in-law's and sister-in-law's child:-)
Hi, When I read this my first response was WHAT. Don't you dare do this its not right. Oh my goodness sounds like old country use the woman and don't consider her feelings. This is not your problem or your fault. I am totally sure there are plenty of children in India to adopt. If you do it, it will haunt you for the rest of your life. Apparently they don't consider you or your feelings as a human being or else they would not have even asked you. Please take care A. P.S. You shouldn't question yourself, its just not right period, they are sooooo wrong
It sounds like you are being pressured into doing something that you are not comfortable with. I would absolutely, positively stick with your intuition and not do something because you are feeling pressured to do so. Giving up a child is not like giving someone a baking pan or even a house. This is a child that we are talking about.
I hope that your husband will support you in your decision and that you are able to make your own decision.
Take care.
N.
How difficult for you to be in this situation. I think you have to do what your heart tells you is the best thing for you and YOUR family not for your brother in law and mother in law. How does your husband feel about it? How well do you know your brother in law and his wife and how close are you? Would you be able to let go of your biological child and trust someone else to look after him or her?
People are different. I know of one situation where this happened with two sisters. One sister planned to adopted her sister's biological child who already had two other children. But there's also a difference between being sisters and being in-laws.
I think you need to consider all of these questions and then how it might affect this third child. Would you want him or her to know the truth? What would happen if you changed your mind after you went through with the idea.
Most importantly - you and your husband have to discuss it. If you decide no, then in some ways it would be easier to have his full support and both of you (or he) can tell your in-laws a final no. It's also not fair of them to ask you to do this. There are so many children/ babies that need a home in India alone. Your brother-in-law does have other options for adoption. Good Luck!
I agree with everyone else -- do not do it. You will always regret it. You will always wonder about the other baby. Even though the baby will be in the family and presumably you will hear news about him/her or see pictures, you will still wonder "what if". It is completely unfair of your husband's family to expect this of you.
My husband's brother (BIL) and his wife (SIL) tried to have a baby for 10 years. During that 10 years, both of SIL's brothers had 2 children each, my husband and I had 2 children and my husband's teenage sister had an unplanned pregnancy. When my teenage sister-in-law was pregnant, she wanted BIL & SIL to adopt the child. They considered it for many months but ultimately decided not to adopt the child because they thought it would too hard to have the baby's maternal mother act as his aunt. And then what if she decided she wanted him back? What if he found out and was angry? There were just too many issues. BIL & SIL did adopt a child from China last year. Teenage SIL is raising her son with help from the rest of the family while she goes to college. We all believe that the right decisions were made.
You do not owe your BIL a child just because you can have babies and they cannot. If you do not feel comfortable with it now, you never will. Do not give in! Good luck to you and your family.
It's obvious that you are not comfortable with this situation, and I wouldn't be either. It's impossible to give up your own child, even though the baby would remain in the family. How would you feel everytime you saw this child and she/he called you "aunty"? And then someday this child finds out you are his/her real mother, then what??? I believe the right thing to do would be offering your womb for them. Not your eggs, not your embrio. You can carry their child for them, not give up your own. And as someone has already mentioned, there are millions of children out there in need of good parents. So if they want to adopt, they should look into that instead of pressuring you to do something you don't want...
Your in-laws are being very selfish. Most likely they would like you and your husband to have the baby for them, because they know you and your background. They know you don't do drugs, etc. Just because a baby/child is adopted doesn't necessarily mean that it will have problems. What if for some reason you get pregnant and the baby has some developmental issues or has some type of problem. Then are you going to raise it? How will the added expense affect your plans for your other children. I found this on the internet about the plight of the orphans in India. http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/asia/article#.... All children are special.
Take care
J.
WOW!!! That is some request! Please, please, please do not let this pressure influence you. It is very sad that they are having trouble conceiving but as others said, there are so many children that need families, have they looked in to that?
I have never been in this situation or known anyone so I hope you don't mind some advice from the peanut gallery. My heart hurts just thinking about this. What does your gut say when you think of having another child and giving it to them. What do you think of right away? That is your answer. Don't let the sadness of their situation influence you or pressure you. It is not your responsibility to to give them a child.
One wrote about what your children would think of seeing their brother or sister given away, that really makes so much sense. I have to think that their would be life long missing piece to your family if you had a child and gave it up.
Only you can decide if this is right for you, but please put all the pressure aside and dig deep inside yourself and ask yourself if YOU could live with letting your child go. There are other options for your brother-in-law! Take your time this is BIG!
Take care & good luck!
I cannot even imagine how conflicted you must be feeling. I too hope that your husband supports you in this decision.
My friend was having issues not conceiving, but was unable to have a second child due to kidney disease. She was told if she did have another she would not make it but she wanted another baby of her own for her son. She saw an episode on surrogate mothers in Anand Gujarat on an Oprah back in October. She went there twice to see how it is and what the process was and now her surrogate is pregnant. :) We are all very happy for her and hope all goes well. She contacted tons of references who live in the US and Canada to double check everything and this might be an option for your brother in law. If you want more info regarding this, feel free to send me a message.
Good luck.
Of course not! How dare they ask for such a thing. If you wanted to do it, you would offer. But to ask/pressure for this is wrong. I understand a bit of the suragancy thing. But that takes a special woman to be able to handle. I could never do it, I don't think. I also love adoption, for those who can not provide for their kids. But to pressure someone to do this, if they have any hesitation is just not right! Don't let yourself be bullied. Your bond with your kids , is so special. That's almost like asking to share a spouse with a single sister.
