Let me start by telling you about myself. I'm 27 years old, happily married for 8 years, and am a SAHM to my beautiful young children (ages 15 months, and 2.5 years).
My life is pretty easy.
A couple of months ago, God put the idea of international adoption in our hearts. We had been trying to decide if it was the right time to concieve again, when (seemingly out of nowhere) we suddenly just KNEW that our next child would be adopted. In fact, we're pretty sure that we're done conceiving altogether and will continue to grow our family through adoption.
So, we started looking for an agency, narrowed down a country, and tried desperately to decide on the age/number of children we would take. Adopting a baby was our first idea, of course. Then we started looking at sibling groups...we reasoned that, if we wanted a big family, why not do it all at once?
Which led us to a group of siblings from Ethiopia. Three kids, two boys (2, 4) and one girl (12). We saw their pictures and fell in love. It was scary, of course...adopting three kids at once and changing our family in such a dramatic way. But we felt that God would see us through the difficulties and the blessings would be well worth it.
Then, after applying with the agency and paying our the initial fee, we were told that we needed to get special approval for this adoption since our ages were so close to the older girl (they like to see at least a 25 year difference). They said that it's a "red flag" for them because families in the past have had problems with this and have dissolved the adoption.
At first, we weren't discouraged. If it was special permission we needed, then we'd get it! Then, I asked for specifics. What problems did they think might arise?
At this point, we had a major reality check. Older kids can have severe emotional problems, anger issues, difficulty or even an inability to attach, violence towards younger children...and a laundry list of other possibilities. Not to mention all the standard issues that come with being a teenager. And we know absolutely NOTHING about their history, if they were abused or neglected, or even what their behavior is like now.
But I look at their pictures and I'm still in love. And for every horror story out there, I'm finding a dozen success stories.
But I'm still torn. I ask myself, do I really think that God would give me more than I can handle? Should I be getting so caught up in the what-ifs that I fail to give these kids a chance?
I know that if my kids weren't so young, this wouldn't even be an issue. If it were merely my own heart, my own safety on the line, I'd take the leap in a heartbeat.
But can I really risk my children like that?
And then I think, these kids so desperately need a home. And the chances are SO good that they would be great kids with no major problems. And if they do have problems, we'd get them the help they need and work through it..
So why can't I just let go of my fears and take this leap?
Which leads me to my request (FINALLY!):
Please, if any of you have adopted older kids or even a sibling group (domestically OR internationally), share your experience with me. If any of you have guidance or advice to offer, I'll take it! To me, this is not about whether we will be adopting. We KNOW we're going to adopt. We're just having such a hard time deciding on which kids.
There is an approval process we'll need to go through, but we're optimistic that we can pass everything and get this sibling group. We just don't know if we SHOULD.
Does the fact that we have reservations about this at all mean that these aren't the kids for us, or are some reservations normal? I have to admit that this is all quite scary...but, honestly, the thought of NOT adopting these kids leaves me with an aching sadness that I can't seem to shake.
Really, our biggest problem here is discerning our fears from true and valid concerns. I don't want to miss out on a wonderful thing with these kids just because I was afraid to step out of my comfort-zone. But I also don't want to ignore any feelings of hesitation that might actually be God gently nudging us in another direction.
There will be adjusting for everyone whether you adopt one or more, baby or older. It takes a strong family with even stronger parents to do something like this. I believe that you have to do what feels right for all of you. As far as the reservations, doesn't most people have reservation type thoughts before getting married - am I making the right decision, will I really be able to live with this person forever - we are human and that thinking is normal for any situation that is a huge change. :-)
If you believe in your heart that this is what you are supposed to do and it is then it will happen. Rumor says God doesn't give us more than we can handle and each journey is intended to make us stronger!
I wish the very best for all of you! Let us know what you and your family decides. :-)
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D.A.
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Hi S.,
I wanted to suggest you pray about it together as a couple and then listen to the whisperings of the lord. It is always tough bringing up a teenager, but sometimes you get lucky and you get one that is just a blessing. I have six kids and I will tell you, that the problems raising teens may very well come later from some of the younger kids. As you said you do not know these kids background. They may have had some true horrors in their life and be grateful for the loving family you are giving them, and the opportunity to stay together. Is it possible to visit them before you decide? What ever you and your husband decide, don't look at the what ifs they will drive you insane, just live in the here and now and deal with what ever life throws your way. I believe you will be truly blessed if you give these children a home and a loving family. Good luck and God bless you and your family.
D.
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C.M.
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You are doing everything you can right now - prayer is your only true answer. Just listen carefully and ask God to make it clear what you are to do. I understand the concern over the age thing, but on the other hand, you are 27, not 20 and being a mother figure does not depend so much on age as on your confidence and behavior. I know 45 year old moms who don't present themselves as a mother figure and their children are pretty out of control. Also, it will be a special adjustment for your children, but it will also be a special blessing. I come from a large family and while it was sometimes tough growing up, there was always someone to play with and I wouldn't trade my experiences for the world. Is there a mom's group (or similar kind of group) at your church that you might could ask for help when they come? I'm sure people would be willing to step in for laundry, meals or whatever and at the very least pray their butts off for you. God will provide, both for you and for those children. Good luck and God bless!!!!!!!
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M.D.
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We adopted our son when he was one and our daughter was 2 1/2, so I don't have experience with older children. Our son is a joy, but he was definitely VERY difficult when he first came home. It was a tough adjustment for all of us. You need to think that all post-institutional kids have some kinds of "special needs" when they first some home. I don't mean they are all damaged... just that you should think of them as SN because they all require more work and attention than your bios did, especially at the beginning.
Many adoption agencies do not recommend adopting out of birth order. Some people do, very successfully, but some find it harder on the younger siblings who were already at home. I also think your age needs to be considered... for the girl to be your natural child, you would have had to have been pregnant at 15! That close in age can present some issues regarding her ability to accept you as a mother figure.
Read, Read, Read! Maybe start with "Attaching in Adoption" by Deborah Gray. I think it's great that you want to adopt older kids - they are often the ones that get overlooked, especially sibling groups. But I thibk you really need to prepare and be ready to work, work, work on attachment. Personally, I think a lot of kids who get labeled as unable to attach are actually suffering because it is the parents that were/are unable to attach or unwilling to do the work. It IS exhausting. Some days you feel like you give and give and pour out all your love and attention to a child who doesn't like you, rejects you, is angry and confused, etc.
We've been home 2 years and our little guy is doing great and we couldn't love him more. I'd do it again and would recommend adoption to everyone, but it's more work at the beginning and I think people need to be really ready for the potential problems and heartache. Many people go into it thinking the kids will just be so happy to be loved and have a family... then they are shocked that their child is angry and resentful and confused. The child has been ripped from the only world she has ever known and it is very tough on some kids.
Follow your heart, but be prepared and educate yourself.
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L.A.
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I can't help you with any specifics, but I did want to share what someone told me once about life changing decisions.
It is normal to have some reservations, concerns or worries. It shows that you understand the scope of the undertaking and what kind of commitment this is. It's like getting married. Being nervous leading up to the ceremony is completely normal, and healthy! It shows that you understand that you are making a lifelong commitment to someone and that is a BIG deal!
Embrace your doubts, they are part of any big decision. Make a pro/con list. Discuss what options are available if the older one does has emotional/behavioral issues. Also, keep in mind that the fact that she will be with her siblings will make the transition easier, not easy, but easier than if she were on her own.
