Adjustment Ideas

Give him as much control of the decisions and care of the baby as you can. He will feel so much better if he is included. I would always ask my daughter if it was okay if someone asked to hold my newborn son, for example. Then I would ask her what clothes we should put on him, etc. I told everyone it was her baby. She loved all the attention and being in control.

I've heard of having the older child make a onesie with paint of his handprints. It could say Little Brother or Sister and he can make O. for himself that says Big Brother.

When we had our 2nd, our 1st was not quite 2 1/2. I gave him a book from me (rather than from the baby) when I was in the hospital--Love you, Forever by Robert Munsch. He also got a baby doll (dressed in blue!) that he helped care for. (He's 7 now, and even though he doesn't play with that doll anymore, he still claims it as his and gets upset when either of his younger sisters wants to play with it!) I also had some small gifts for my older two when my 3rd was born, but I can't for the life of me remember what I gave them.

A couple of things that I think helped a lot were being willing to read to them or just let them snuggle up to you even when you're nursing/feeding, and also to let them help you with the baby care--fetch a diaper or wipes, sprinkle some powder on, etc.--to help them feel involved.

You might also check whether your hospital offers a "big brother" tour of the labor and delivery wing before you head there yourself.

I had a terrific neighbor who thought of this: she brought over a bag of several little toys for our new big brother (as well as a little something for the baby). She told me to give him one every time someone came with a gift for the new baby, so he wouldn't feel left out. We continued our naptime and badtime stories, even if I was holding a nursing baby with one hand while turning pages with the other hand. Our little guy was only 2 1/2 when he bacame a big brother, but he loved to help by getting a diaper, , pacifier, washcloth, toy, etc. Just remember to include him as you care for the baby.

Congratulations!!! We have a four month old and our oldest son turned 4 in December so we were in the same boat! We do have a large family though so my son has lots of cousins but not any boys that are young. What we've done is really make it exciting for him to be a big brother by allowing him to help with some of the set up beforehand. He "helped" daddy put the crib together and loved looking at all the baby stuff for his baby brother. I was worried about how he'd act once his brother got here but he's still such a good brother. It's a really good age, they're old enough to really understand what's going on and to be a real help. We don't force him to help but we allow it and he is always so proud of when he can do something for his baby brother. Praise him a lot to your friends and family for how great he is and how excited he is about his new sibling and he'll be eager to keep pleasing you. By the way, also be sure to tell him that when the baby first comes he'll be too small to play with but as he gets older he can teach him how to do all the cool big boy stuff that he does, he'll love it! We also had fun when I told him he couldn't feed the baby because he'd have no teeth! The look on his face was priceless! We were at Walmart one day and he asked if we could buy the baby some teeth there. :O) Blessings to you! It's a blast having two!

It sounds silly but each week in my pregnancy i bought and put away a little hot wheels care with my groceries. I found a carrier made by hot wheels and put them inside and in my bag to go to the hospital. When he came up right after his sister was born i told him she had brought it for him. Toys were simplier back in the 70s and he was very impressed. They both laugh about it now. He also helped his Dad paint her room- we had just redone his to be more "big boy"- and when we brought her home he said "Look, we painted your room green". Just understand that at 3 boys are still babies themselves.

When I was pregnant with our second, my best friend gave the baby a little stuffed baby in a pea pod. My son just took to it so it became his and we didn't save it for the baby. We named it what we named our daughter. For three months before she was born, the doll was "his baby" to practice. He slept with it and loved it dearly! I would also basically brain wash him and tell him that this is HIS baby (the real baby, not the doll) and he's going to love her and hold her and take care of her. I would say things like this a lot. Lastly, when we were in the hospital for her birth, he had picked out a gift for her and she had a gift for him. They exchanged in the hospital. Oh, one more thing....when friends/family come to visit the new baby, tell them to always focus their attention on him first and then ask him to show them the new baby. Make him feel special. Our son still had some major adjustment issues for about 6 months after she was born but NOT ONCE did he take it out on her. She is two now, and while they do fight plenty, and he is still sometimes jealous of her, they are really close and it is so rewarding to see them hug and laugh together. Congratulations!

You could get a couple of plain white onsies and some fabric paint or fabric markers (less messy). Help your little guy color with the markers and even dictate to you what he'd like to say on the shirt like, "Jake's my big brother". If you go the fabric paint route you could help him put paint on his hands and press them onto the fabric. We did this recently with my last baby and it was super fun for the older kids. Also, after the baby is born he will be so proud to see his little brother or sister wear the onsie he made.

On another note I would recommend reading the book Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I wish I'd read it sooner with my bunch! It's very informative and helpful.

Congrats and Good luck!

J. (wife and mom of five)

One tip someone gave me with my 2nd born was to think about how they are first introduced to eachother. If your oldest comes to visit you at the hospital, don't let him walk in and see you holding her. I had the newborn in the hospital basinet and my husband walked in the room and let him see her for the first time that way. After the new baby comes, just try to stay conscious of him and his needs, which are easy to dismiss when he will be 4 and can do a lot on his own and the newborn needs you 24/7. Before you settle in to feed the baby, always make sure he has everything he needs-- a drink, a snack, something to keep him busy. You may also want to get him a baby doll which he can feed a bottle to and pretend to change it's diaper when you are tending to the baby. Once the baby is old enough that you can leave it for a while, make special dates for just you and your oldest, like a Wednesday night ice cream night or something like that which you can both look forward to

The best thing in my opinion is when the baby is born to make sure that everyone is giving your son attention and talking about what a great big brother he is going to be, than to ignore him and hold the baby. The baby doesn't care if anyone but mom holds them at this point. Have grandma or daddy take him out to lunch and spend special alone time just with him. And never tell him you can't do something with him because of the baby.

My 3 1/2 year-old gets to spend a day or two a week with just her and grandma and she loves it :)

My oldest was 3 when his younger brother was born. The birth itself is no big deal to your older child - it will be the first few weeks that matter most, when the baby is getting all the attention. I would make sure to have some "chores" lined up for your oldest that makes him feel VERY important in the family. Maybe it's getting a new diaper for diaper changes, or choosing outfits for the baby, just simple things like that.

S.

I have three kids, all about 2 years apart. We have read "big brother" books and general books about babies to the older siblings in the months leading up to the big event. As it gets closer, we kept a stockpile of cheap toys (dollar bin at Target is great resource) to give the older sibling whenever we were given a baby gift or had a baby shower so they wouldn't feel left out. I also put together a special gift bag of items to give them at the hospital and told them it was from the new baby. We always included a "Big Brother" shirt in the bag. I kept the older children with us as much as possible at the hospital so they would feel included, but when they were back at our house with grandma they helped grandma bake a cake so we could have a "birthday party" when grandma came home. MOst important, when not nursing in those first few weeks I would be sure to give the baby to my husband or the grandparents to watch while I got some quality time in with the older kids. I also would make "dates" on the weekend to go do something fun with the older kids (park, etc..) while my husband watched the baby. Transition was fairly easy with all that and my children all love each other.

Congrats to all three of you!

I see a lot of responses and a lots of good ideas. It is good that you are thinking ahead of time about this.

I had a friend relate this story to me and I will never forget it. It is the little things we don't realize are quite important to the soon-to-be older sibling. My friend found herself putting her baby and the older son into the minivan (this was when the front passenger seat didn't have an air bag) and had to move the toddler seat to the back seat and put the infant seat in the front. The big brother got so upset! That front seat had always been "his" seat.

My point is that _now_ is the time to do small changes around the house. It could be that you move his seat in your vehicle (but don't put in the infant one in yet). It could be an hour for him to have an activity with friends or family or dad, so he will be used to it when you need naptime with the baby (or something similar). You could arrange a cup holder, magazine holder, maybe even a comfy pillow in a place you plan to use while breastfeeding (or bottle-feeding if that is your choice). While breastfeeding it is highly important that you drink plenty of water. Your son could be a _big_ help when you need a refill, or can just bring you another water bottle from the fridge. Praising your son for helping _you_ will help him feel he is contributing and not alone.

Good luck!

If you just found out then you have time to have this become something to look forward too. When the baby does come be sure and have your older child have something to do to help. Maybe just holding the baby be sure to have them both in pictures at least part of the time.He can also hold the bottle to help feed, babies like to have someone to talk with and make sounds for them this can also be done by your older child this can turn into a picture opt.

We don't have family nearby, so when we went to the hospital, a good friend took my daughter for a couple of days. They did the most amazing thing together: they made a book about all the stuff they were doing. My friend took pictures the whole two days, then wrote little blurbs about each one. (ex: "And then we popped pop corn and watched The little Mermaid.") It's nothing fancy, but it ends with going to the hospital to meet her little brother. It has maybe twenty pictures in it and is titled "When Adi Became a Big Sister"
My daughter loves it! My son is two and we still get it out and read it. Somehow, doing that special thing together with a friend she loves, made the whole experience really wonderful for her.
I don't take credit for this because I didn't do any of it. Maybe you and your son could work on simplified version for when you go to the hospital (that's assuming he won't be there with you). Obviously it's hard to ask someone to do all the work for you (I just lucked out). But you could make up the blank pages beforehand with things like: "And then I had _______ for breakfast." "Then I played with my_______." Then all you have to ask is for whoever is watching him is to take pictures of the thing he does. Then after the baby comes, you could print up the pictures and put then in the book with your son. It'd be something nice for you to do with your son after that's just the two of you together. ... Or you could even have one of the photo websites print up the book (probably the more expensive alternative. <g>)

I have not read any other responses but we just had our #2 about 4 months ago & big brother welcomed her home. Every day while pregnant (started early cuz I was horribly sick daily for 8 weeks) I would talk about the baby & talk about what he (big brother) got to do w/ or for the baby (ie, pick out & read books, help give her baths, show her how to do things, give her lots of kisses & hugs). I'd ask if he wanted to give his little sister a kiss & he'd actually lift my shirt & kiss my belly. At nighttime he would offer his blanket to her (my belly) so she wouldn't be cold & let her cuddle w/ HIS teddy bear while we read books & said our prayers. If he wanted to hug her, he just laid his head on my belly or side. I made everything sound very fun for her arrival & of course she brought him a fabulous dump truck - that amazingly he remembers SHE got him. They are 22 days shy of being 3 years apart. To this day, he checks on her several times a day & helps w/ baths - his job is to pour water on her tummy so she doesn't get cold (I give him a bottle cap from one of her bottles to use as a cup). He LOVES being included - it's the best way to not feel excluded. Hope this helps!! Good luck!!

One thing we're planning on doing is having a special gift at the hospital for our two year old. It will be wrapped like a birthday gift, but it will be to her from her new little brother. You've got some other great advice already and we may use some of it too. I hope everything goes smoothly for you.

Here are some suggestions by Dr. Kyle Pruett, MD on how to handle this:
http://blogs.goddardsystems.com/Cedar-Park-TX/2010/01/24/...

Congratulations and good luck!

Hi
My son was 2 1/2 when I had my second baby I bought him a puppy.

No bid deal. I find it odd that other people are worried about your oldest adjusting. They do what kids have done for thousnads of years---they adjust!
We did purchase a baby boy doll for my 2 yr old before my second was born. He held it, talked to it, etc...for a couple months. It didn't last very long (to my husband's relief!) but it helped for a few months. I strongly disagree about all the gifts, and going overboard on preparations.
What if you have 3 more kids later? You can't keep buying everyone things every time they have to make an adjustment in life. My opinion.

My 2nd child was born when my oldest was 2 1/2. The main thing I did was get lots of books about being a 'big' to read to her over and over before the baby was born. I got the cutesy fun ones as well as the more serious ones that really went into some of the emotions a child might feel upon realizing s/he is no longer the 'baby.' My mother also made her a little t-shirt that said 'I'm a big sister.' We made sure we had a few little trinkets on hand so that when people brought gifts for the baby but nothing for her, we could give her something (fortunately that only happened once or twice--most people were awesome about considering her feelings, too). My mother took some time off work when the baby was born and primarily focused on my older child. She would take her shopping and to the park, etc., so that I could get some rest and she would feel she was getting special attention from 'grammy.' We were extremely fortunate that we never had any issues of jealousy arise at all. I'm not sure if all of those little preparations prevented the bad feelings, or if it is just that my oldest is a very sweet girl, or perhaps a combination. I don't think you need to overdo it, just make sure you prepare your little boy for all the changes that are coming. Good luck!

Don't go overboard. With our first, we got him a baby doll to try to show him how to be gentle. He threw it on the floor and stomped on it. Seriously.

You can never gauge how they are going to react. My eldest took to big brotherhood right away. My middle one, not so fast. He was angry for a good 2 years.

The best thing to do is to try to keep everything as normal as possible. No big moves, no new jobs, no potty training. These all upset their little worlds and throwing a new baby in the mix is over the top for them. If he goes to pre-k, keep sending him. If he goes to a sitter, keep the same sitter. Some families keep the older kids home- I have heard good and bad things about that. The main thing is to maintain stability.

Good luck!