ADHD 4 1/2 Yr. Old WON'T POTTYTRAIN!

I had a difficult to train child (although she was younger). The pediatrican told me to make it totally her responsibility. Don't make her sit, don't make her try, but don't let her sit in wet/dirty underwear. She was responsibile for cleaning herself up. What I did was put her in the tub and had her take her underwear off, then I squirted the mess while she held the underwear. We only had to do that twice. She quickly figured out that it was easier to poop in the toilet.

Hello K.. I have several thoughts:
1. Are his stools hard or dry, or very large for his size? If so, he may be constipated. If the stool is backing up, then the bowel may get stretched and he no longer will know when he has to go. I had to remove bleached flour from my son's diet so his bowels became more regular, but he also has IBS which I didn't know at the time. So maybe it's just that your son's system is not working up to par.

2. As other said, maybe he's not ready. Everyone you see walking down the street eventually became potty trained, but they all did it at their own pace. It will happen.

3. If he is not receiving meds for his ADHD, that could very well be the cause for him getting distracted when he should be using the potty. Maybe the meds have side effects, but they are crucial for his development mentally and for his education. You would not withhold meds for diabetes, which also have side effects, so you should not withhold meds for this dysfunction of his brain which interferes with his learning both in and out of school, and will interfere with his social interactions. I have known many ADHD children over the years, as well as a person at work who looks like he should be taking meds. This disability really harms a person's ability to function in the world, and unless you are successful at training your son to consistently self-modulate his impulsivity, then he will not be able to cope with school or social interactions without the medications. Kennedy-Krieger is the tops in the world for disabilities, I would follow their recommendations.

I am a therapist and I work with ADHD children. Probably not the advice you want to hear but it may be time to consider the medication. I am not an advocate of medication, but when I am working with children who are severe, medication is sometimes necessary to help the child get to a place where the impulse control techniques we work on are even effective. Remember it is an impulse control issue so it is going to be a bit more challenging for you. Whatever you decide to do, good luck!

I feel your pain because that is how old my oldest son was when he was totally potty trained. You need to just leave it alone for a month or so. As hard as it will be just dont talk about it and let him do his thing and see what happens. Boys are too busy doing their thing that they would rather sit in poop or pee than stop playing. Some times it becomes an attention thing.
Try praising him for every little thing that he does right. See what happens.
Good Luck!!
G.

My almost 3 year old just started using the potty. He is a very active guy. When we tried letting him run around in underwear, he just used the bathroom in it like he was wearing a diaper and he didn't care about the mess. What worked for him was letting him run around naked from the waist down (Risky for rugs, I know.) I left the potty nearby in the playroom, so he could easily sit down when he needed to. Turns out he has hit the potty every time since we tried this. Now, I have started putting the underwear back on and he's doing fine- just a couple of accidents. We're trying to work up to pants.

WOW!! This almost gave me chills!!!!! My son is 4 1/2 years old also, and we have the SAME EXACT PROBLEM!!! We have gone to gastrointerologists, Psychologists, you name it, we have gone. We have rewarded and disciplined also. The mess doesnt bother my son either...he is in an advanced preschool, and so its not like he doesnt "get" it. He holds it also, i.e. at school, or when friends are over. He is completely content to go in his pants, and actually PREFERS to go in his pants,.. all the while, I dont think he has peed in his pants since he was barely 2. So he knows how to "control" himself. I am just as flustered and aggravated as you are. I dont have any information to help you... because it sounds like we are in the exact same boat.. but I wanted you to know you were not alone.. I was sure glad to see that I wasnt!!!!!!

Stick with it, be consistant, and patient. I have experience with autistic kids and it can be hard for them to potty train also.

I also just went through a potty training issue with my 2 year old. She had the concept, knew what to do and was doing it on her own. Then she started holding it. I was afraid she'd get a bladder infection so I tried to coax and trick into going. This became a battle of the wills and she began fighting everything. I completely dropped the subject, kept her in underwear and she pooped and peed in her underwear for 2 days. Everytime, I'd say very casually, "that's gross, you could use your potty and not get so messy". Two days later, she decided to start using the potty again, with a little chocolate incentive and not one accident since then. The point--don't give up too soon.

If he goes sometimes on his own, then I'd say he knows what to do. I'd recommend no emotional response from you about accidents-keep it clinical, make him clean himself up, you can point out how gross it is, and move on. Don't make a big deal out them. Now successes are a different story. Keep doing what you are doing with those, and systematically raise the threshold.

My niece is 5 1/2 and because of severe ADHD has only recently been without bowel accidents. It can be tough but put the responsibility on them if they can handle it-(I'm not sure what the combined type from Kennedy Krieger means). If there is some other issue playing into this just be patient. The fact that he goes some on his own tells me he's understanding what's going in his body. Give him time and reward successes. Try to feel out if some of the issue now is what I went through with my daughter-a challenge of control. Potty training is about control. They are controling their bodies. Sometimes part of learning that control is not controling it. With all the systems in place that do work--trust me I've seen the miracles--just hold your ground. Hang in there! :)

Get this book from amazon.com It's called Toilet Training in Less Than a Day by Nathan H. Azrin, Ph.D., and Richard M Foxx, Ph.D.
If our child tends to be uneasy with new sensations and is ready to train in warm weather try reading New Parent Power by John Rosemond, Ph.D.

my step daughter didn't potty train until she was 4 as well - although we started putting her in underpants when she was 3. It took us (and her mother) well over a year to potty train her. we kept on her all the time, and she would do the same thing - get off the potty, and then poop in her pants five minutes later. one day i guess she just decided she was ready, because she went to the bathroom and then never had another accident during the day (shes had a few at night but not many!) looking back, i wouldn't have made such a big deal out of it as i did then. she did it when SHE was ready, and not when we were. i imagine it will be the same for your son. good luck!

Hi K.,

I understand not wanting to put he on the meds that have all the side effects. They are not good for a child. But have you thought about some natural prodcuts. I will forward you some information I have found and really work. I can feel your frustration but I have to tell myself that I love them and know that this to will pass. Also you should go to www.urfuturematters.com I hope this information helps you and I hope things get better for you.

Best wishes,

J.

Hi K.,

Your child is not able to be potty trained at this time. His brain hasn't developed enough to know what it is that is expected of him.

Every school district has a resource for helping parents with children who have delayed growth and development.

Contact your local elementary or primary school and ask about where your child can be tested. You can call this agency or school and ask them for advice in parenting a delayed child, when to potty train and how to train.

There is also an Attention Deficit Disorder organization
called CHADD. The web site is:

www.CHADD.org You can click on "finding support."

You can also find a resource person in your local area and ask them this same information.

There is also a web site for potty training at

www.parentingtoddlers.com/pottytraining.html

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

First, try not to get too frustrated. My almost-5-yr-old son potty trained just fine for peeing, but was almost 4 before he would poopy on the pot, whether it was a full size toilet, or a potty chair. It may be that he just isn't ready physically, maturity-wise, or he's just stubborn. One of our doctors suggested sitting him on the toilet approximately 10 minutes after each meal, then setting a timer for 10 minutes. He must understand that he must sit there for the full ten minutes, as this is the amount of time that studies have shown will condition his body to respond by evacuating the bowels. Once the timer goes off, he gets to pull a bagged treat from a basket that is in plain view of the toilet, but out of reach. The doctor recommended getting 20 days worth of dollar store prizes, individually wrapped or in paper bags. As long as he sits for the entire 10 minutes, he gets a prize whether he "goes" or not. After 20 days, his body should be conditioned whether he wants it to be or not. Then you can simply make sure he goes to the toilet after each meal, and he should be close to fully trained. Give it a try...it worked for us!!

hi there...
I totally understand what you are going through. You are aware that he has adhd...but, and ou may not want to hear this, there may be other underlying issues that you won't know about until he is much older. It is extremely hard to potty train when they aren't wanting to all the time...it takes alot of time and patience. You must come to the realization that you son isn't going to do things as the others do and in the timeframe that they do either.
I recommend getting him on the meds...it makes life easier for everyone...especially him!
You should buy some literature on children with ADHD...it may help you to understand some of what he will go through and what you willl go through as well...it's a tough road sometimes...but be prepared as much as you can by understanding what you can!
good luck!

Where is he at developmentaly? Is he on par with his peers or is he delayed?

S.

Hi K.,

Some great advice already...I'm curious...have you asked him why he doesn't poo in the pot? He's old enough to speak his truth so long as he isn't feeling guilty, threatened, etc. All the pressure of this and being visibly frustrated can inhibit your finding out what's going on. Please know, that we've all had these types of situations and trust me, it's hard not to be human! I would encourage you to, as suggested, let it be what it is...and without attachment, be curious about what's happening for him. You can ask him at the time if you're able to just be curious...if not, wait until you can get in that space and ask him. Sometimes, if he says 'I don't know' it's actually true...sometimes better to ask yes/no questions...do you like going to the pot? Do you want to poo in the pot? Could you tell you needed to poo? Then honor his answers, even if they're one word or grunts...

A significant part of the change process is awareness. Allowing the space to just be present to the unwanted behavior without trying to change it is the only thing you need to do. Change then often happens on it's own.

I would encourage you to do the same for yourself during this. When this happens, to explore what's happening for you that's so upsetting. Take a moment. Breathe. Feel what you're feeling and be present to that. When you are clear and present to your own stuff, you then can be present to him.

I agree with the acknowledging the positive behaviors and ignoring the unwanted behavior...it's tricky...you don't want to add to whatever anxiety that might be present, or to create anxiety around bathroom stuff if possible.

In the event you do chose a reward, I like the toys option over the candy for sure although the whole reward thing is again a tricky business.

Good luck to you. :)

S.
TheMythAndMysteryOfYou.com

Do you live in the Columbia area? Well hope its not too late, but today my daughter and grand-daughter will be attending a seminar for kids with disabilities and children in general who are having a hard time potty training. The seminar will be held today at the Faulkner Ridge Center 7-8:30pm. Im not sure of all the information, so you can look it up under Howard County's kids website.

Hello K.,
what a difficult time you are having! I have three boys they are all school age now but they were fairly easy for me to potty train. Each of them is ADHD and one is also bipolar along with several other things. However, one thing that worked for us when potty training was taking them to toys r us. Let them pick out a big toy - you choose how much to spend. Make a jar and each bag of diapers/pullups that you do NOT have to buy - you put the money in the jar. Once he has gone enough weeks IN A ROW to pay for the item - he gets it. If he doesnt follow through - take the money OUT of the jar and make him start over. It worked for all 3 of mine. In fact, my youngest potty trained himself at age 17months!
Another thing I did was let thembe around the house inside only (especially since he is a little older) and just wear a plain t-shirt.
I also let them pick out their own underwear.

There is a chance that your child is not physically ready and there is a chance he's not really ready mentally/emotionally. There are a lot of kids that don't toilet train until closer to school age, and plenty that are just day-trained in early elementary.

My son was finally completely toilet trained at 6.5, and I wasted a lot of time worrying, struggling not to yell, etc., etc. When he was ready in every way, he started using the toilet 24/7 with great success.