Accepting/Understanding Significantly Overweight Friends/relatives Lack Of....

Okay I was going to bash you because I am significantly overweight (working on it) but it doesn't stop me from anything. I ride rides with my kids, I take them to the pool weekly when it's warm and get in with them, I attend all of my kids functons, etc.

I am also a happy person. If I never lost weight, I'd still be happy. I want to lose the weight to be healthy for my kids.

With that said, these people are using it as a crutch only. If they can't feel good about themselves, they need help with that more than they do their weight.

Don't feel bad to say something either. Be kind about it, but be honest. I always think it's the best policy.

ETA: I was at the bus stop with my mom last fall (she had gastric bypass and looks AMAZING.) A bonafide mental lady came and started talking to us and looked at me and asked how I'm so happy. I almost fell over laughing. She said she can't be happy because she's fat too. LOL - I told her that was her own fault.

Live Bold - that was mean. I am very overweight but it doesn't stop me from life. Weight doesn't change who you are if you don't let it. I may not have the energy of someone who is more in shape, but I have an awesome outlook on life. Losing weight is hard, but she already said that's not what she was asking in this life. These people are making her life difficult because they can't be happy with themselves.

Look, I was fat for 20 years and it never stopped me from doing anything. Then I got ongoing medical issues and I got the reason I needed to lose the weight. I could not do things I wanted to do while fat and sick. It is too exhausting.
They may feel too old to change or not be ready. It is much harder than I ever imagined to lose and keep off the weight.

I think you need to look at it as an illness that hasn't been classified as such until recently. We've all been raised with prejudices regarding "fat" people. I think it is something that needs better understanding by everyone.

Would you fault a blind person for not wanting to ride an amusement ride? Or finding an excuse not to go? I'm sure there are people who are blind that partake and that is looked upon as impressive, but totally normal if they don't want to.

How about the quadropalegic who just hiked/climbed a mountain? You wouldn't have issues with others in this situation NOT doing it, would you?

Being seriously overweight/obese is like a catch 22. It's usually an illness or mental health issue (or improper nutrition given by their caregiver) that gets a person to that point and then it's the weight that keeps those issues alive and creates new ones. Where do you start? It is SO OVERWHELMING to try to live like the general public when you are treated like a second class citizen.

I have PCOS and as my dr. explained it my body does not regulate sugar the right way (similar to a diabetic) and my metabolism is nonexistant. If you put me in the same program as someone else without PCOS that is overweight, we would do the same thing and the other person would lose much more than I would. It is very self-defeating.

I am working on my issues but no one on the outside may even see that. I don't wear a bathing suit out anymore and I think about my weight all day long. Do I need someone else commenting about my weight? No.

The issue with the woman having you watch her kids is something completely different than her weight. She may not want to get in the pool, but there are other ways for her to handle that situation. Separate that issue from her weight and then deal with that issue ---poor supervision.

Give your FIL other opportunities to spend time with your kids. Don't expect him to climb a mountain and then get pissy that he doesn't want to do it. If he keeps making excuses to not do other activities than the problem is not his weight. See what I'm saying?

You feel like they aren't participating in life based on your standards of living. I think this is the first step to accepting them. BTW, did you have someone in your young life that really put overweight people down? My dad did and made it clear as young as I can remember he did not want a fat daughter. Puberty hit and I struggled, especially with the PCOS being a factor no one knew about.

Just giving you one story of this fat girl.

number one, from my POV. I am Obese. The last thing I want to do is be put on display by being seated in Handicap seating. Its like wearing a circus tent to a funeral. People stare, and staring people judge. When someone is so obese and cant walk, it causes staring. Then the mind games begin.

Number two, they do hurt most likely. Having to sit in a cramped, uncomfortable chair for an extended period of time HURTS... if it DON'T fit don't wear it. I doubt your FIL WANTS to be fat, made fun of , ridiculed, OR screamed at for not coming cause he is fat. Being reminded on a daily basis is not helpful. HE KNOWS he is fat. He doesn't have to be told. He doesn't want to be catered too and he defiantly does not want to be berated.

Just talking to him in a personal manner one on one, with no one else in the room may help. Saying things like, I want you to be more healthy, and enjoy your grand kids lives. My mom was also a very large woman. She was devastated she could not run and play with her grand kids, or go to amusement parks or beaches. She explained why she couldnt go and the grand kids understood for the most part. Yes it made them sad, but eventually they were just ok with saying. "Ah thats something my Grandma cant do"
If you dont like to watch fat friend's kids in the pool, just be honest, not mean. Say you cant watch her kids properly and take care of her own. She can swim right? shes just fat. If she can swim she can get in and save her kids. If she is laying around being lazy, that has nothing to do with being fat. She can go in the water with CLOTHES on. My god when did bathing in a private setting mean you have to wear dental floss and a lace doily? Tell her to get up and take care of her own children, bring clothes she can get wet in. If she cant do that . DONT invite her unless you want to be caring for the kids.

not trying to make it sound like bashing, but I am just trying to help you see why some may not do what you like.
Change yourself to be more understanding, will be hard. If you cant already understand them, then its time to look at it from another vantage point.

I am very heavy, but I do everything physically I can with my kids. I do go swimming, I go to things, I just dont do what is weight restrictive.

For what its worth, I come from a mixed family. My mom was always heavy. Even at her skinniest before her kids, she was teased and put down. She was BEAUTIFUL. Gorgeous features, but always heavy. My dad was pin thin. Still is, save for a baby gut from old age. He was always teased for being too thin, and then ridiculed for marrying my mom. I am one of 4 kids. My oldest sister and younger brother are model thin. They did everything to gain weight. Oldest sister was thought to be anorexic by her school and called my parents of several occasions. She ate all the time. Never puked but was super athletic. She would run 10 miles a day. Me? I was never overweight till senior in high school when my metabolism took a hit. Didnt know it till later that I could have fixed that earlier. I am very mobile, probably 75lbs over what I should be. I am very tall and built very solid so I dont look it, but I do look fat..
My second sister, is morbidly (scarily) obese. She is 40, and cant get out of a chair with out help. Last year when we invited her to go to my daughters birthday at the zoo, we had to rent her a motor scooter, just for her to get from the parking lot to the play area. It was so embarrassing for her she cried the whole way there. I apologized a thousand times and decided if it was in public I would have something separate for them if they didn't want to do it. I will always ask her first from now on.

It doesn't sound like you actually have an issue with their weight. It sounds like you have an issue with them using it as an excuse to put a burden on you.

I don't think your attitude with your father is law would change if he said he can't go because his butt is too bony and the seats hurt, ya know? Would you care if it was a skinny friend passing her responsibilities on you?

I think you only feel guilty because they are fat. Knock that off. They are awful people that use that as an excuse. Treat them no different than you would anyone else who makes excuses, ya know?

Look at it this way, I had a friend who would pawn her kids off on us in a pool because the water may ruin her fake nails. Would you feel guilty for being mad at her? I didn't and it was one huge reason we are no longer friends.

You are attributing the laziness of your friend to her weight. I don't see the connection there. That's mean-spirited. If you have a problem with her behavior, address that, and don't invite her to the pool any more. I just don't see how her weight is a factor there.

As for your FIL, how would you like to be placed on display in a theater in handicapped seating? There is a LOT of walking at the zoo and it is PAINFUL for people with joint problems. I think you are being way too hard on him. You think he doesn't want to see his grandchild's theater performance??? Of course he does, and it probably kills him that he can't go. So perhaps you should record it and let him watch the video with his granddaughter.

Maybe the first step in being accepting of your friends and their health problems socially speaking is to plan activities that they CAN participate in adequately and would enjoy.

It might also be generous of you to keep in mind that you're making a lot of assumptions about their current predicaments. You're convinced that their "state of being fat" is their own fault and must be what... a result of over-eating? And hey, if it IS their own fault then they don't deserve any empathy at all right? I mean, if someone gets lung cancer it MUST be because they were a smoker their entire lives, right? And therefore they don't deserve empathy if their lives are difficult because of it and in jeopardy because of it. Right?

I have Fibromyalgia. I was slender my entire life until I delivered my babies. Since then, because of the Fibro, it's been very difficult to lose weight. I eat right, I'm active when I'm not in agony, and I used to work out for crying out loud. Even with Fibro when I was at my heaviest I was working out, but it wasn't working. It's extremely frustrating for me because I do everything right when it comes to trying to lose weight, but the weight won't come off. Not even under a doctor's care. I see how people look at me, and I'm not even 240 lbs. I'm sure they assume I'm home on a couch eating like a hog all day and night. Nope. I eat salad, veggies, whole grains, lean meat, lots of water, skim yogurt, fruits. I exercise and do yoga. I'm still limited because of my pain issues and related health problems (digestive). I have to avoid certain activities and even certain rides at amusement parks and I know my friends think I'm making excuses, much like you think your friends and family members are.

I understand that their disability is affecting your life, but they aren't fat and disabled in order to put you out and inconvenience you. This is their life every day whether they put themselves in this position or not. They deserve empathy whether they caused their own health problems or not.

The anger sounds so much like it's about where they "should" be or "could" be in their lives rather than where they actually are. It would be so much easier to feel compassion for them if you didn't compare them to how they used to be, if you didn't blame them, and didn't think about how they should be. If you have concerns for their health there are gentle, kind ways to let them know and ask them if they're taking advantage of local resources but apart from that they still deserve compassion.

You also have a right to set some ground rules when it comes to your friend's child care. She doesn't get to automatically foib her kids off on you when you all get together, but gentle and firm statements need to be made ahead of time and appropriate play dates need to be chosen. If the pool isn't one of those places where you're willing to help her out any longer then don't invite her along or be straight out honest that you find it tricky to keep an eye on both your children and hers at the public pool.

When it comes to your FIL, let him accommodate himself. He gets to choose which activities he'll attend. If he wants to go and take advantage of certain accommodations, then he will. Otherwise, he'll stay home. I'm sure it's a huge matter of pride for this man because many of the handicapped accommodations aren't very subtle or discreet in public places. I don't blame him for not wanting to take advantage of them all the time.

The rest of it? Don't make their problems YOUR problems. Be kind because it's a nice thing to do.

The reason that I don't appreciate or trust your stated motivations about your fat friends and relatives is because of what you said about your friend. You say that she "SAYS" that she gets hurt when she exercises. Why do you feel the need to bring up what she says? Why be thinking about it at all?

What you may not realize is that the world is full of a lot of hate and misconceptions about overweight people. I have NOT been able to sustain any kind of exercise plan because I've hurt myself badly, dozens of times over. Will I keep trying? Maybe, maybe not. When you get water on your joints and swollen joints that are twice their normal size for months on end, then you can render an opinion about that issue.

As far as the father in law goes... Some of us just are NOT interested in all these things. I had absolutely no desire to participate in the many school functions when I was in school. I went to about half of my own childrens activities. I simply have no desire and no patients for them. There are all kinds of ways I can support my children and friends, giving them atta boys or girls, paying for some stuff, but I DO NOT have to go and watch to prove that I love them. I am fully aware of how most people feel about that. I spent my life listening to my blow harded old man talking about how wonderful he thought he was for showing up to all our performances. But he showed up DRUNK to most of them! HA!

Only YOU know if you really want to understand them or not. But why do you NEED to understand them? Why do you think it's your place to worry about it?

The woman with the kids...how old are they? Do they swim? When I used to enjoy swimming more, I took the ENTIRE daycare, 7 or 8 kids when my kids were young... I put them all in life jackets even when they could swim. I did get in the pool with them. I don't think you have to exclude her unless you just can't stand being responsible for someone elses kids. Life jackets make it a little easier to watch several kids at once. She probably just hates the water.

You can't understand something that they don't even understand. Why haven't I lost weight? Why am I so tired at times that I don't care for outside activities? Do I give a rats backside if you understand or care what I choose to do with my time or how I choose to support family and friends? NO I DON'T. I think you are being mean spirited and if you don't want your friend at your pool, just tell her so I guess.

This very post is a back handed slap in the face for every one of us that is overweight and has struggled for years to try and change it.

Reading your post, you don't sound like you have a problem with thier weight, but with their behavior. With FIL, his choosing not to do things because it's "too far to walk" is a self-defeating behavior and a self-fulfilling prophecy. He's not moving, so he doesn't get exercise, so he isn't comfortable, so he doesn't move, and doesn't get exersize, etc. I totally understand how you feel about this. I don't know if tough love would work - just letting him know you're not going to invite him to those events anymore because you feel they aren't important to him. Invite those that want to go and accept that he's not ready to make the effort. You can't change him, you can only change yourself and how you deal with him. Good luck with him.

Re. the "friend" - you may have to just be honest and let her know that if she's coming to the pool, she needs to be responsible for and play with her children. Otherwise, don't invite her. If she asks why, you can tell her what you told us, nicely, that you are there to play with your children together, and not as babysitters. You'd love to have her along, but you're not going to take on the slack. If she doesn't feel well enough to play with her kids, and someone makes that clear to her, maybe she'll realize what she's doing to them by not taking care of herself. The pool is one of the BEST places to be when you're overweight, because being boyant helps your joints, etc. So she's missing out on something that would make her feel better.

There are many levels of self-respect, and sometimes people who are overweight feel so bad about it that they can't bring themselves to do the handicapped seating or ride around in those motorized vehicles at the zoo. It's too much of a blow to their self-respect.

In many ways, being overweight is a handicap. You would not in the least expect a person who is suffering from a disease to go out in public and do something that is uncomfortable for them! If your family member was bedridden because of a disease, you would not expect them to come to the zoo!

I know that being overweight is not exactly the same as a disease because there are often some things you can do about it. You can diet and exercise. But understand that people who are overweight are often past the point of feeling like there is anything they can do about it, and the journey seems too steep uphill. Losing weight is mental AND physical.

Perhaps you can just resign yourself to the fact that your FIL isn't going to come to the zoo or your child's performances and then plan things to be together that he CAN do. Bring a video of the performance. Go places where is is comfortable going. Yes he is missing out, but so are you. There are many things you can do to spend time together where his weight isn't an issue.

As for your friend, maybe you can gently let her know that she's going to have to watch her own kids or bring someone with who will be responsible for them if she's going to sit on the side. She could easily bring a cousin, neighbor kid or hire a babysitter to come and be responsible. No reason for you to shoulder the responsibility for her kids.

I had a friend who had horrible scars all over her body from an accident. We never asked her to wear a bathing suit! And we didn't think twice about it. Think of this woman's weight as the same thing. She's embarrassed. Don't make her feel worse!

Weight is a sensitive issue, but we all have our demons! Hopefully you can adjust your thinking to be more sympathetic to the fact that these people have a condition, and they want to save their own self-respect.

Good luck!

In the case of your FIL I might suggest that it's not JUST a matter of his weight. My FIL was a loving grandpa but he had zero interest in attending all the grandkids' many activities and functions. He liked going to the high school games that some of the kids participated in but that was about it. My MIL is the opposite. She will travel for over three hours to see a school play, even if my kid has only one line. She loves that kind of stuff!
As far as the friend goes, I think I would tell her that you're just not comfortable being responsible for anyone else's kids in the pool, that you've got your hands full with your own. Make it a safety issue.

I don't think you are being mean spirited at all. You have no issue with their weight, or how they choose to live their lives, but you do have issue with him abandoning your daughter due to his issues, and the other mother making you entertain her kids because she won't do it, so your family time suffers... Those are choices they are making because they directly affect you and your children. There is nothing mean spirited about being annoyed by their actions.

All I can say is that you can kindly tell the mom, "I can play with your kids for about 20 minutes, but then I need to go and have some alone mommy time with mine." Then follow up on it. But, I can say that her kids are probably very appreciative to have an engaged adult play with them, since it likely doesn't happen very often.

As for your dad, I would say, "I understand it's physically difficult at times, is there a way you can make it to at least one thing for her this year? She is really excitied to share her milestones with her grandpa."

And I kindly disagree with Cheerful to a small point. My dad had a chronic disease, Leukemia, which ultimately killed him. Even when he was bedridden and in severe pain, he did everything in his power to make it to our theater performances, he went to Six Flags with us... we obviously had to stop and let him rest very frequently, but he did it. It wasn't all the time, but he tried his hardest to be there for us. These people, are not bedridden. I think she makes a good point in that this woman can bring a sitter/friend to help her watch her kids and not put all the burden on other moms.

Jill makes really EXCELLENT points.

The other thing to think about is that you might be combining 2 separate things: your feelings about overweight people, and your feelings about these specific situations.... It would bother me a lot of my FIL didn't do anything with us as a family (regardless of the reason) because in my mind "family does things together, sometimes even if they don't want to (LOL)." If this is the case with your FIL, you need to find a way to non-confrontational tell your father-in-law that you understand/sympathize with his pain & discomfort, but that you ask that he consider the fact you miss him at these functions, and the grandkids miss him/it would mean a lot if he came to the recital/dance/kid's zoo trip. And ask what you can do to help him with that. It may just be that he's embarassed/ashamed and doesn't like to go out in public because of it.

For the situation with the pool, consider doing the same. Think how self-conscience you would feel if you were overweight and had to fit into a swimming suit--I find myself uncomfortable wearing one, and I'm in decent shape. So, before pool season, explain to Sally that you understand her discomfort and empathize with her pain, but that you and the other moms are a bit frustrated at the fact that they are having to watch/take care of her kids, and ask her if you can work together to come up with a solution; that might be that she hires a babysitter to watch her kids, or trades watching the kids with other moms for services like making a casserole dinner for the family of the mom that watches the kids one day, or something.

But please approach this with tact--they are likely already very self-conscious about the issue.

It's a shame your FIL doesn't go to shows etc but I wouldn't focus on his reason. Lots of grandparents dont' do stuff with their grandkids... I definitely think your husband should talk to your father about being healthy for his own good and wanting him to be around for a lot more years but I don't think people should put demands on grandparents. They raised their kids and are done now. If he wants to go to a show, great. If he doesnt no matter what the reason, really none of your business. As for your friend, there's a morbidly obese mother in our neighborhood who pushes her kids on all of us all the time but the one thing she does do is get in the pool! Anyone can stand in a pool and watch their kids. So ignore her reason too and just set a limit on how long you'll watch her kids. Say your kids get upset bc they really want your attention. Flip side which is something I consider with the mom in our neighborhood, it's not the child's fault... So if you set a limit, does it mean her kids won't get to swim? So sad and unfair for it to be on you but something to consider.

I would just blow the FIL off -I mean, if he's that miserable and cannot function, I wouldn't worry about him. It's up to him to do something about his weight or get a little motorized scooter and use handicapped seating.

As for the friend. I wouldn't watch her kids. If she asks, tell her you'll have your own kids there to watch. Our pools here have a rule that if you're an adult with the kids at the pool, you MUST have on proper swimming attire! Maybe you could check into that rule or making that rule at your pool.

I think there's acceptance to a point. I have no issues with overweight folks and have always had to closely watch mine and at times have lost that battle. I have a number of overweight friends and family members -some significantly so. However, when someone's weight gets to the point of limiting their lives and activities, THEY need to make some decisions. I don't feel like I have to accept them not doing things or change anything I do to accommodate them because they won't get help for their weight. I don't allow people to smoke in my house in order to accommodate them, and I wouldn't let someone addicted to drugs shoot up or snort lines in my living room to accommodate them, so I don't think you really need to be more accepting. There are many, MANY things that go into people being overweight, but there is help -emotional and physical help -and if they're not willing to get it, then that's their own fault.

No matter how annoying it is ( which I agree it is) it is much more arduous to be in their skin. The amount of humiliation and limitations one has due to their own bad decisions is heavy enough to bear. My dad was obese and while it was embarrassing for him to have to have his shoes tied by his children in public, I imagine it was even harder for him.

I haven't read your other responses, and I probably won't because this is a VERY touchy subject.
Basically, what it looks like is your friend, and probably father-in-law, is embarrassed.
With your friend, I don't know if she has always been overweight, but if she has, the thought of being in a swim suit probably brings back many painful memories of being younger and not looking like everyone else, not being able to do what everyone else was doing because she was larger than her friends. Rather than face what she is letting happen, she hides behind "pain". The embarrassment doesn't stop at the swimming pool, it would be ten times worse going to a gym to work out and seeing everyone else there be thinner/more fit than she is. There is also discouragement. She may have tried and not seen the results she wanted (which may have been more than anyone could reach in the time she allotted herself) and gave up.
For your father-in-law, again, he may be embarrassed. He is getting older and is heavy, and has lost his mobility. Any man, thin or heavy, is horribly embarrassed by a loss of mobility. They seem to react like it is a loss of manhood.
I am not saying that the way either of these persons behavior is good, but maybe if you try to see it and feel it how they do it could help you deal with it?

I think a lot of good points have been brought up--maybe if the FIL can't participate in the performance or the zoo, he could do something with you afterwards (have dinner together and watch the performance, read stories about animals with the kids). Maybe instead of sitting in handicapped sedating he could sit in a portable chair in the back where he could better stretch his legs. Maybe an afternoon with Grandpa would be another way to take part in the kids' lives in a way that's win-win for everyone. Most of all, though, I'd approach with a compassionate tone and just explain that the kids miss spending time with him and that you want to make sure that he's able to do so for as long as possible--moving toward better health (weight loss or not) might allow extra years with them!

As for your friend, could she watch your kids away from the pool sometime since you help with hers? Maybe she could host a kids' movie night so you & hubby could have a date night, or some time to run errands one afternoon. Addressing the behavioral/child care issue instead of weight is definitely the way to go, in my opinion.

Please, though, talk to those people in your life about the issues which concern you--making family a priority or feeling like you're responsible for something you shouldn't be, without a fair exchange--with anyone who's important to you, health issues or disabilities aside, or your holding it in will make your life miserable and damage relationships with others.

Good luck--I know these issues aren't easy to confront!

No one can change anyone. I feel for you about your father in-law. He thinks he cant participate with the kids because he is embarrassed to have to use handicapped seating or a wheel chair at the zoo. Maybe he knows he needs help losing weight but he just isn't motivated and doesn't want to believe it. I think he probably feels sad he isn't around the kids more. But there is NOTHING you can do. My sister, 5 years older then me, has one niece, my daughter and she has nothing to do with her because her friends are more important. We don't talk anymore. As for your friend, just flat out tell her you do not want to watch her kids at the pool or feel like you have to watch them. If she is your friend you can be honest. Weight is a huge issue with people. You can NEVER say anything right when it comes to weight. And by the way I am a fat person. If people want to lose weight they will if they don't then they miss out and hopefully will realize before it is too late and change it. The father in law situation is sticky but I mean, tell your friend the real deal. If she cant handle it tough. Maybe you can talk to your mother in law about your father in law? Make it more of a health issue then an issue of you being mad. Hope it helps.

No real insight into your FIL-- men are just too different.

But I'd work really hard on ENCOURAGING your friend to get into the water. I am VERY, VERY obese (and will probably be doing bariatric surgery in the October!) and the ONLY work out I can tolerate (and even ENJOY!) is in the water! The water takes the weight off-- your joints don't hurt and you don't sweat! And a lot of the daytime classes (I work overnights) are full of LARGE elderly women-- much easier to keep up with and less shame inducing than the aerobics queens....

And I'm of the opinion that the SADDEST people at the pool are the skinny little blonde women sitting on the side all covered up because they THINK they're too old/fat/ugly for swim suits. (And EVERY pool has them-- look next time you're there!)

Maybe she can't find a suit? www.junonia.com is the best place for plus sized swimsuits for actual swimming/working out

I try to do all the "normal" stuff-- i get down on the floor and play, etc, etc but I WILL plead guilty to letting my StepMom "do the zoo" and the science center and Living History Farms-- partly because she has a "grandparent pass" thing she uses on her weekends (she takes the grandkids one weekend a month!) and partly because my 4 year old thinks it's funny to run away from me and I'm a lot slower and fatter than she is! (Plus the little stinker behaves better for her!)

You're upset because your FIL cannot or will not participate in the way YOU want him to participate.

First, it is extremely difficult to get around when you're overweight. And sitting in the handicapped seating is probably not appealing to him. And how would he feel if he sat in a handicapped seat and then a truly handicapped person came in and needed a seat. What would he do then? Not to mention how uncomfortably hot theaters can get when they're packed full of people.

If he doesn't want to go or feels like he can't go, maybe you can video tape it and he could watch with your child in the comfort of his own living room.

As for your friend, just be upfront with her and tell her that you don't mind spending some time playing with/watching her kid(s) (if that's the case) but that at some point, you do want to spend time with only your child(ren). Encourage her to put on a pair of shorts and a tee shirt and get into the water. She doesn't have to wear a bathing suit. If she's still uncomfortable, then that's her deal and you can't do anything about it BUT when the time comes at the pool, remind her that this is YOUR time with YOUR child(ren) and if she doesn't want to get in with her child(ren) that she should call them out of the water.

You don't say how old her kids are. Maybe she would be comfortable with them being in the water and her just sitting close by on the side.

Whether these people are chooing not to partcipate in life is really their issue - you should leave it to them and go on about your life.

Sad to see people bashing. This is an open forum. Certainly it is a sensitive subject but as you said, your concern is to have these people more active in your life. I don't think that there is anything wrong with that.

Perhaps you can have a heart to heart with FIL the next time he refuses. You can say something like, "We understand how difficult it is for you to get out and the physical challenges that you face. We feel really bad that you are not able to participate in activities and want to do everything we can so that you don't miss these precious opportunities. Life is so short and we love you and we want you to be there as much as possible! Is there anything we can do to make it easier for you to come? To help you out?" Keep the emphasis on the missing him part, not the weight issue.

As for your friend....this is separate issue than weight. I am not overweight but am self-conscious about being in a bathing suit too. However, If I do not feel comfortable to go out in a suit, then I don't go. My kids = my responsibility. Maybe you just need to say, if you want to come, we'd love to have you, but I am not comfortable taking on the responsibility to watch your kids in the pool. That is a HUGE responsibility and I would feel very bad if something were to happen."

Good luck!