Absentee Father

Hi, I see a lot of advice here to not introduce him as "Dad." My question is how will she react if he tells her he's her father?

Hi C.,

My son is 16 and I still struggle with whether I made the right choices for him over the years where his father was concerned. I got pregnant right out of high school and I made the decision to grow up and take care of my child. Unfortunately that was too much for his father to handle at the time. By the time he was 2 years old we had broken up over and over and the relationship came to an end. His father walked in and out of his life for years. I never told him that he couldn't see him but it has been an emotional roller coaster for my son his entire life. He has been in and out of counseling and therapy since he was 5 years old and as a teenager has attempted suicide and has severe emotional problems. When his father would decide it was time to be a part of his life again I did insist that he take it slowly because it usually was several years since he had seen him (when he did see him he would be consistent for maybe a year or so and then just disappear again). He just walked back into his life again when he was 15 and has been actually doing things with him regularly and coming to sporting events and such but he barely knows him after 7 years of absence. I have allowed my son to form his own opinions of his father the best I can. I have just advised him at this point to try not to put big expectations on his father so that he is not disappointed. I have told him that if he wants a relationship with him that is fine but don't expect the world from him. He still has some anger issues with his father and he doesn't change his plans to see him (which is what he has learned from his fathers behavior).

I guess all I can say is that I think you are approaching this in a good way. These are some of the most difficult decisions a parent can make. There have been times that I wish I had just cut all contact with his father and wondered if it would have been for the better but at some point the kids grow up and you have to answer to them for your decisions. I don't think I'll ever know what the "right" decision would have been but I do know that I have done my best.

I wish you all the luck with your situation and I hope it doesn't take your ex 16 years to decide to become a father.

T.

Although I've never been in that situation, I think you are wise in introducing him by his first name to your daughter. I would do that if I were in your situation. Since he's not had any contact with your daughter (his loss, by the way), and he hasn't established any kind of relationship with her, he should not be given the honor of being called "daddy." Daddy is someone with whom she has a relationship with, someone who is there for her physically and emotionally. If he has a change of heart and decides to act like a daddy in the future, then he has earned that title.

Just my 2 cents,

MC

C.
What have you told her about him? Do you ever speak of a "daddy" or do you just simply reinforce you are her parent? I guess anyone's advice would be dependent upon what you have shared with her....stick to your comfort zone and protect her emotions as closely as possible but to share her is maybe a good thing as long as she is not overwhelmed and maybe for now at her age the best thing is a KISS strategy, keep it simply (stupid) not you just a phrase...meet him somewhere she is comfortable like the library or book store and trust your instincts here, she doesnt need to be overloaded with details, maybe she will like him and enjoy the visit as she would any other playdate when there are no expectations from him, I think you should prepare him more than her...tell him not to rush towards her, do not ask her to hug or kiss him, he is a stranger and his expectations should be minimal as she does not know him and should not be asked to do anything more for him than you would ask her to do for a stranger in any situation.
good luck
E.

I would introduce him by his first name definitely! I would worry more about her feeings than his. If he drops in/out of her life that will only confuse her and cause possible problems. If he states (and proves) that he wants to be a real part of her life that would be different.

Wow- there are so many great responses! I agree with most of them as well. There are so many topics all roled into one here. Legal issues and father's rights by law. Then the emotional development of your 21/2. I'll skip the legal father rights thing and pros cons about it. But I would like to say, many good dads started out with shakey starts. Every dad (because there seem to be so little of them sticking around) deserves a chance to be a part of their child's life. You can never get back what you lost - that is true. Daddy is titled that some take for granted and many never earn. Give this guy a chance. Use your instincts. True-true-true: THis man is a a stranger to your daughter. Treat it as such. At 2 1/2 she does not know what it means to have a "dad" - not on the social term of it. Keep it first name - suggest he reads some development guidlines about 2-3 year olds so he knows what to expect emotionally from her. And yes, talk with him and tell him how you feel - what you will or will not put up with. And yes.. you are her rock-- if it doesn't go well, call it off- leave during the visit. And if he is seeking shared custody, etc.. you should perhaps talk to an attorney first or maybe just to be safe talk to one before you even go.. get the heads up for anything that may be thrown your way.

Good Luck and Let us know how it goes.

Hi, I also was in the same boat. Go with your gut instinct. You do not want to set your daughter up for an emotional rollarcoaster if he all of a sudden has an epiphany that he wants to attempt to be a father. I felt that it was a little to late because he already proved himself. You are the rock in her life and you already have the track record of looking out for her best interest. He can admire her all he wants but he made his decision and until she is old enough to understand and make that decision to see him or what kind of relationship she wants to have with him..then you will have no regrets or heartache because you did not set your daughter up to be hurt. I hope this helps. It is advice I just did not put it so lightly I guess because I went threough it and still think and hope I did the right thing. But I know my son is not hurt and I am not regretful...he doesn't know what he is missing if it was never there to begin with. Hope this helps.

K.

Hi my name is J., I am a single mother of 3. 10, 7 and 2 they are my world also. I understand wear you are coming from, my son (2) didn't see his father at all during his 1st yr of life, my choice because we could not get along for the baby. That was a mistake I think now because we worked things out before his 2nd birthday, and now he is a great dad and his son is very close to him now. We as there mom's have to make sure the fathers are sincere in wanting to be apart of there child's life, maybe this dad needs to understand that also to be in your child's life. They have to want to be in this for the long hall of the child's life.

You are in a very difficult situation & I know that you are trying to make the best decisions for your daughter. I am in a similar situation myself. I was dating a man & got pregnant very quickly. We were married when our son was about 1 1/2 years old. He was never there for either of us & could never hold a job. He did not & could not (by his own choice, of course) be a husband to me nor a father to our son. I finally divorced him when our son was about 4 years old+. He was seeing him every other weekend & that soon dwindled down to not seeing him much at all. I married a wonderful man about 3 years later & soon after that my ex gave up his rights to his son & my husband adopted him. I had his last name changed to my husbands last name & he calls my husband dad & has since then & it has been almost 7 years now. My ex is very inconsistant with his visits & phones calls to my son & I am thinking now that it would probably just be better if he were to stop all contact altogether. He brings no positive influences, contributes nothing to my son's life, & offers no support as a father should. I don't even think that my son cares whether he sees him anymore or not. And if that is the road that your ex is taking I would ask him why he is even bothering! Your daughter needs a father that WANTS to be a part of her life! And not out of obligation, but out of love & the want to be there for her & to watch her grow. If he isn't in it for the long haul than he shouldn't even bother. I have never denied my son visits with his father only because I never wanted anything with his father to be my fault. I wanted him to make his own decisions about his father. But he was also a little bit older than your daughter when we got divorced. And if your ex voluntarily moved out of state & away from his daughter than he never had any intentions of being a father to her anyway. You can't be a long-distance father, it just doesn't work that way! Good luck to you & your daughter! She has you & it seems like you will be all that she needs:)

I agree, with many of the posters.
I think you should introduce him by his first name. Give it some time to see how serious and sincere he is about wanting a relationship with his child. And if he proves himself worthy then let her how he is related. I wish you and your child all the luck. I think little girls need caring and loving dads in their lives to protect them.

This is the story of my life. When I found out I was pregnant with my first daughter, who is now going on 5, my boyfriend at the time said he wasn't ready to be a parent yet. And who could blame him, we dated very briefly and really had no intentions of getting married or anything like that at that time. Well, around my daughters first Christmas he wanted to send gifts for her. Of course I was excited, I thought this would be the stepping stone to him being back in her life. Well, it happened slowly. At her first birthday he came to visit again, at our house, and it was great. We all bonded so to speak and soon after that we rekindled our relationship. And we eventually got married and have another daughter as well! Modern day fairy tale huh? Not to say that is what you should do, obviously. But what I am saying is that it is important that you and your daughter have a healthy relationship with her dad. As long as it is making everyone happy. There's nothing worse than a child who is forced to grow up with two parents who don't talk and loath each other. My parents divorced when I was very little (11 months), and they always remained friends throughout my life. They didn't down talk each other, to me at least and I thrived knowing that I was loved by two people who respected each other. Good luck I hope all of my ramblings help you in some way!
R.

If you have someway of contacting him I would ask him if he realizes that her life will never be the same if he is introduced as her father. Where is daddy! will be a question. Does he want this? If not I would not say anything until she is a little older to understand. Just my thought. I hope everything goes well and happy holidays to you and your daughter.