Absent Father in 3 Year Old Son's Life/age Appropriate Explanation?

I, unfortunately, was married when I got pregnant with my daughter. He didn't waste any time taking off, but because we had to get divorced, I had very little choice in whether or not he would get visitation. He has seen her 5 times in 2009 and just once so far in 2010.

I don't know the right answer. I can just tell you that you are doing the right things by providing the most consistent life that you can. I believe in the family unit, but sometimes no daddy IS better than a crappy daddy.

My daughter turned three in March and she tells the most fantastical tales about stuff that happens at "my daddy's house". A house that she has NEVER been to nor seen any pictures of or knows anything about. I cried nearly all night the first time she got mad at me and started crying for daddy--this started more than a year ago!

BUT...then the other day she tells me that I am the Mommy AND the Daddy. I've never told her anything like this...nor anyone else to the best of my knowledge. She knows she has a daddy, but in the moment I am both. She has even started calling me daddy occasionally.

I guess what I am saying is that there is no one size fits all answer. It is good to be honest with our kids, but the age appropriate answer is "Daddy doesn't live with us." That will probably do for now. "Why" will definitely come later. If my daughter asks to see daddy, I tell her that it isn't our turn right now...she understands taking turns. If she wants to talk to him, I do my best to get him on the phone.

I've also been keeping a journal since her birth. It has the good, bad, and the ugly. It is mostly filled with milestones and funny things she says, but it also talks about how I am feeling and what is happening with her dad. I don't bad-mouth her father, but I tell what has happened in an objective way..."Your dad called and said he would come by today, but he didn't make it." I can only hope that when we get to the ugly teenage years that she'll understand that I did the best that I could with what I had.

I also tell myself all the time to remember that there are much worse things that your child could have to experience in life than just having one parent or having a mom that has to travel for work or whatever.

Good luck.

Don't dance around it and don't hem and haw. State the facts simply and as plain as answering a question like, "mom,where is the bread?" You have to be careful to not attach a stigma to the facts.

If he feels loved from all directions, then the fact that dad is not around is no more than a fact. It doesn't have to be an issue, just a fact.

Of course every child does better with two married and loving parents, but you have only what you have and you can only do the best you can with that. I wouldn't assume that your child that young is acting out because he doesn't have a father. Well, in some way it might be the case since there is a lack of balance, but it isn't like he had a daddy who suddenly disappeared. He doesn't know any different.

I think that as he gets older he'll need a man more, but not so much right now. When he gets to be school aged he might notice daddies doing things with his friends and have questions then. It would be wise to have him spend a lot of time with uncles and grandpas. My son really treasures fishing with grandpa, even though I take him fishing almost daily. He likes doing "man stuff."

I have a three year old boy and his daddy travels a lot. He's been gone now for 3 weeks and my son doesn't act differently, other than just missing him some times, but those emotions are confined to those moments. Mostly he's just the same as when daddy is around.

You just answer his question in a simple, straight forward and honest way. Your answer needs to be based on his age and ability to understand. Make sure you understand his question before answering it.

You are worrying too much. And I suggest you are making a mistake by making your son the center of your life. You need a balanced life. Without that you will have a difficult time forming healthy boundaries for and with your son. Your son is an important part of your life but he is just a part. You need to be the center of your universe. You need to be sure of who you are and what you want from life. If you sacrifice your own life for your son's life he will become spoiled and difficult to handle. A healthy family has a healthy balance in which every members needs are considered and met whenever possible.

It is highly unlikely that your son, at 3, has any particular feelings about not having a father. He doesn't know that life could be any different than it is now. I suggest that you have strong negative feelings about having a son and not being married. Perhaps you feel guilty or hurt or lacking in some way. Do not project your feelings onto your son.

It is very normal for him to show anger and it has nothing whatsoever to do with him having or not having a father. He would be some weird child if he didn't show anger. I suggest that you need to look at what is happening when he's angry and deal with that situation.

I strongly suggest that you get started with counseling so that you can deal with your own feelings. From what you write I think that you are expecting your son to have negative feelings and as long as you expect that he will have negative feelings.

Many, many children are in one parent homes. They are normal children with the same issues as every other child. Yes, they have to deal with having no father or no mother but their lives are still normal. Their families adjust to provide for their children's needs. Such as providing, in a single mother's case, male companionship from a friend or relative.

Yes, he'll have questions. Answer them simply and honestly. Assume that he is alright with it. Don't anticipate trouble. It is often true that we get what we wish for or what we expect. You don't want your son to have a difficult life. Assume that he will have a happy and fulfilled life and find ways to make that happen. Focus on the present. Deal with what is happening now without worrying about what might happen in the future. And most of all do not assume that everything that goes on with your son is related to not having a father.

Marda's answer is pretty much on target. Answer your son's questions in a matter of fact way and at his level. Provide a short simple answer followed by "is that what you wanted to know?" Don't assume what he's thinking or feeling--ask. It's important to clarify your feelings on this matter. Children can read confusion in adults. Learn to heal your broken heart so you don't transfer your feelings to your son. He may not understand them and put his own interpretation on them.

In terms of parenting, I would like to recommend ScreamFree Parenting. Hal and Jennifer provide practical, common sense approaches to parenting.

My first husband left when my oldest son was 8 months old. I decided that even though I was not happy with his inconsisitences in coming to see his son, I did not want to bad mouth him to my son. (When you child is older and can fully understand the situation he will come to his own conclusions and feeling about the situation.) I do feel that it is important that any parent not bad mouth the other one. I would look into childrens books about diverse families. Explain to him that some families have just a mommy or just a daddy or sometimes just a grandparent. I also feel it is important for boys to have male role models. Do you have a brother, uncle, nephew or if you are active in a church, or a family friend, a family that has sons that would be willing to let your son be a part of their "guy time". Guys process things differently than girls do. It is good for them to understand that. My sons always look forward to "guy time" with their Dad! (I married a second time to the most wonderful guy! He is the bio-father to my two younger sons but is Dad to them all!) God Bless and I will be keeping your family in my prayers!

H.,
You said his father was in his life sporadically as a baby- do you or does he have any interest in getting more involved now? I know for men it can be really hard dealing with babies- even my husband says he wishes our kids would just come out being 2 or 3 year olds. Men sometimes just don't know what to do with babies.

The last thing I would want you to do is bring someone into his life that won't really be there...that won't be worth it. But he actually has a father- have you had this conversation with him.

Either way, these other women are right. He's going to be fine. He has an entire family that loves him. One of my closest friends in Upstate NY raises her son with only her parents close by. A couple times a year her son comes to NC for a week to spend with his dad. He is a very smart, well- adjusted 6 year old. His mother has always been upfront and honest with him about anything and everything he asks. Very important.

Good luck.