About My Previous ? on Molestation.

Mamade3,

Thanks for your update. It sounds like you have done what you can for your mom and now it's up to her to take the next steps.

One thing I would like to suggest, and please don't think I'm saying that YOU have a problem, but it's this-- you have been very deeply troubled and burdened by your mom's issues. Her treating you this way (depending on you to be the only person to listen to her, but not getting further help) is very concerning to me. You might choose to find someone to talk with yourself, when you are ready, about making healthy boundaries with your mom. Please know this advice comes from a caring place-- you should not be put into this position of having to be the only person she will allow to care for her. She is *choosing* not to talk to anyone, whether she can admit that to herself or not. I think your comment about "I would be furious if one day she started to talk to my girls about (her) childhood" is a good place to start with your mom-- that she is not to discuss this with your children.

I hope that in time, she will get help, or that you will find your own place of peace around this.

My answer to you today is the same as yesterday, though after reading your fears about her talking to you own children, I want to add that I really think that you should not ever let her be alone with them if you really think she would do such a thing. If there is ANY chance of that, then she is mentally unhinged and could hurt your daughters a tremendous amount - even make them think their daddy hurt them. Sometimes people plant ideas in children's minds and make them think something happened that never did. That would be the ultimate molestation, mom, and you must NOT let this happen no matter WHAT. No babysitting, no leaving the kids with her. Supervised contact only.

I also want to recommend that you get some counseling. Right now you are weak where your mother is concerned. You need to get stronger.

I've investigated situations involving child molestation. Nearly all the victims hold on to the hope that their parent will love and accept them. I suggest your Mom says that she would die to be with her mother is coming from that place. I suggest your Mom has not resolved issues with her mother. This does not mean she is choosing her mother over you. She loves you as much as she's able. Because she did is still needing to feel loved by her mother that is her focus.

I suggest that you will benefit from counseling for yourself. You and your mother have a dysfunctional relationship. Just as your mother has been damaged by having an unhealthy relationship with her mother so have you.

Setting healthy boundaries is difficult for most of us. It's nearly impossible to even know how to do it when our parents have not set healthy boundaries. Your mother should not be talking with you about her pain. She is expecting you to support her and she is doing this by manipulating you with tears and words. I suggest you need to tell her that you sympathize but will not listen any more.

You have given her a resource. It's up to her whether or not she uses it. It is
not your responsibiliy to continue taking care of her. Your responsibility is to your family. She is using up your time and emtioal energy that you need for yourself and your children.

You are not ranting, you are asking for help, you are doing the right thing. You can only do so much and if she keeps dumping on you, you have to say "Mom, I can't help you, you need a professional to talk to." You were right in telling her this, and she is being selfish by trying to manipulate you into being her dumping ground for her pain. You have given her tons of love and support. She is taking advantage of it by not taking responsibility for her own emotional health. YOU ARE NOT HER MOM. People like this do that kind of thing to people like us. They dump their troubles on their kids when it's completely not appropriate. She is an adult, and regardless of what happened in her past - the past is not now, and she has choices.

I speak from experience, as I had a couple of molestation experiences as a tween. My mother "thought something had happened" but didn't do anything about it - I found that out when I told her in my 20's. It pisses me off till this day. I decided to get therapy, to talk to a professional, to not let the pain control me. Best thing I ever did. It took years, but it made a huge difference.

I do not trust my mother's judgement, and I will not leave my son alone with her. You need to do the same. If she starts talking about this stuff when your children are around, you need to say "sorry mom, we have to go." and leave right then. Your job is to be your children's mother and to protect and respect them. It is NOT to be your mother's mother. Do what you have to. You don't owe her continued pain. Love and respect, yes - but SHE has to give it to you as well.

Please continue to encourage her to talk to someone.

Sometimes grandchildren are an incredible motivator.
She will not grow and reach her full potential as a mother, grandmother, human being until she deals with this issue.

Good luck!

I hope you will re-read these answers, especially Marda's and Nervy Girl's.

Good luck. <<hugs>>

Your mom is going to be hesitant to give this up. It's consumed her her whole life...she doesn't know ANY OTHER WAY....

I'm sooo glad you found someone. Tell your mom it's now or never...she needs to let go of the past and live her life NOW, before it's too late!

Updated

Your mom is going to be hesitant to give this up. It's consumed her her whole life...she doesn't know ANY OTHER WAY....

I'm sooo glad you found someone. Tell your mom it's now or never...she needs to let go of the past and live her life NOW, before it's too late!