I need help letting a big betrayal go. I don't want to get into details. I'll just give some vague things because I don't think it's all necessary or going to help. Not saying it will be short. he he
First, I am sick. Me and husband married when I was 17 because he was going into the military. He didn't in the end is the funny thing but that is beside the point. We have been married for 12 years. Well then I wasn't sick. Now I am. I have an auto-immune disorder that wrecks our life, along with that came some mental problems. Anyways I can't work because of this stuff. We've tried it just doesn't work. You can't be sick all the time, or spend your shift in the restroom, altered from pain meds, It doesn't work. Well life is complicated by this. Life isn't what it should be.
So anyways, I went in for a gallbladder removal. The doctors hoped it would give me some pain relief. Well my husband was around but really engaged elsewhere. When I woke up he wasn't there. He eventually came up and I was in horrible pain. I told the nurse and wasn't calling her but used a severe cuss word, while on dilatin, to express how I felt. She told me she wouldn't tolerate cussing and stormed out. When she came back in because one of my bags was beeping she treated me terrible and when I tried to express my pain she again treated me terrible and left. My husband was right there. He said nothing. For that matter he left right after the first altercation and didn't come back till she was done with her shift 4 hours later. The majority of that time she wouldn't even come in on time to give me more pain meds!!! My sister has been a nurse for a very long time and she said I should have lodged a complaint about her and she would have been in alot of trouble. I was too sick to have cared and had no advocate.
Anyways, after that he didn't stay with me that first night (he was engaged elsewhere), I fell out of bed trying to push the call button, I stayed an extra night for the pain.The doctor was so confused why I was so, he kept me. I get home and I am in so much pain still but it is getting worse. He is again engaged elsewhere. We go to the ER the first night again they are confused and send me home telling me to go back to the doctor tomorrow. We don't because he can't miss work. That is fine I get that. I insist we go the second night because I can't stand it. They find out that my primary bile duct, and my liver was also spilling bile. . . So my entire abdomen was filling with bile. I gained a pound a day! I had sepsis and pretty much dieing. By the time I INSISTED he take me to the ER I was going in and out of consciousness. They told me I was lucky I'd lived at that point. Every doctor that I talk to about it says the same exact thing. He didn't even notice I was going in and out. I was in there for a long time after that and had subsequent surgeries. I was told either of those things could happen but it was rare, and both of them was unheard of so they excused everyone missing it with that.
This was all because he was engaged elsewhere. I'm sure everyone elses husband would have seen their wife drifting away.
After all this on our 10th anniversary he told me he was leaving. This was 4 months later. It was now clear he was already gone and I was alone back then. I just didn't know it. His distraction was keeping his attention. I was sick. This wasn't the life he signed up for and he was done basically. We had two children together! We talked through it and here we are at 12 years. I've forgiven all but that. Everything else I'm working through or have worked through but what do you do with that? I know alot of people are going to say oh just let it go, get therapy, usual stuff. It's 2 years later. That hasn't worked. My hurt is too much.
His aunt has very early onset Alzheimer's. She was in her 40's. Everyone in his family get the disease on that side. Had or if he gets this I won't divorce him or put him in a home in a million years. I thought about this happening a million times before this and it terrified me and the thought that he wouldn't comprehend what I was saying would bring me to tears. The thought of that.
So all I can draw is that love is unequal, bull and alot of other feelings. I feel horrible and have for 2 years now. I don't know what to do now. Anybody have anything? I'm lost anymore.
The poster who said that forgiveness is more about YOU than HIM, is very right.
Therapy should cover that.
I'm kind of wondering why you are holding onto this marriage?
It sounds like he doesn't really understand the "sickness or health" part of the vow. BUT, in his defense, it would be really hard living with someone so debilitated on a daily basis. He needs breaks from it. Caregiver is a hard role.
I just read a great book and at the end of the book its lesson was:
Most people only get one heart in their lifetime, you can fill your heart with anger, resentment and/or many other negative things on a daily basis or you can fill your heart with love and forgiveness.
The truth is, if not for you, but for your children you need to let go and move on. You still have 2 children to shape and send out in the world.
I don't mean to sound confrontational or turn him into the victim or anything, but, even if you went to counseling, a therapist might ask you this: What do you gain from not letting go of the past transgressions? Major as they are, not much is absolutely unforgivable. Maybe, do you you feel like you can't move past it because you feel like if you do, you are saying that how he treated you is "okay"?
Remember, forgiveness really has nothing to do with the person you forgive. It's about letting go of the fear and anger that eat away at you. I don't know if you are at all religious, but when you forgive, you give God (or karma, however you choose to think about it) the ability to say "It's okay...I'll take it from here..."
I am not saying that you should "be over it" by now. If you aren't over it, then you aren't. That was a huge betrayal on so many levels and so you not "being over it" is totally normal and okay. Really, it is okay. And if you feel like it is not okay, think about why you feel that way. If you want to move on, then move on. You can do it in so many different ways. You can write a letter (whether or not you give it to him is beside the point...it's the writing that is therapuetic.) You can write it, and burn it, symbolizing the giving it (his actions, your anger/resentment, etc) to the universe. You can talk with him about it. You can paint it, sing it, dance it, knit it. You can drive in the middle of no where and scream like a mad woman at the top of your lungs until you have no voice.
The other thing to think about is...what (if anything) does he need to do to help you forgive him? Are you subconsciously waiting for him to do or say something, without realizing it, before you beleive he is really sorry?
I wish I had more words of wisdom. I just wanted to reach out and let you know, I hear you. And everything I just typed, I would say to my best friend as well if she were in that situation.
I hope you find peace. I'd like to whisper a prayer for you.
It sounds like your husband let you down in a time of need, but decided to stay with you in the end. If you can't forgive him or let this issue go, then you need to let him go. Move on with your life. Why stay stuck like this? I hope you're still in therapy.
So many of us get stuck in what "should" have happened. We dwell on the things that we have no control over and they keep us stuck. Somehow we miss the fact that, no matter how long we dwell on what should have happened, it will NEVER change the fact that it did.
What we can do instead is get really clear about what is. What did happen, what is happening. When we can do this, without any shoulds/shouldn'ts, we then have choices. For example, "My neighbor shouldn't be rude" will keep you in a stuck place of anger, frustration and complaining. "My neighbor is rude," allows you to choose how you will interact with that neighbor. You can choose to keep clear boundaries with your neighbor and to learn how to communicate openly, clearly and directly. As long as you are in a "should/shouldn't", you will stay stuck.
So, what is the "what is" in the experience you had 2 years ago? What are the facts? Now, state them with a "this shouldn't have happened!" How does your body and emotions react to that statement? Now, state the facts without the "this shouldn't have happened!". Just state them as facts. How does your body and emotions react to just the facts?
Next, when you just state the facts, can you see where you may have some choices? If it is a fact that your husband has a difficult time being around to support pain and is not an advocate for you, then what are some things that you can do to support yourself? Can you find a friend or family member to advocate for you? Can you step up and be an advocate for yourself? If you find yourself getting frustrated and falling back on "Well, my husband should be doing it!", just take a breath, state the fact that he isn't your advocate (whether he should or shouldn't be), and then look for your other options.
When we choose to let go of our shoulds we will find freedom. Choices are our freedom. As long as we cling to the shoulds we will stay stuck. We have no choices when we cling to something that isn't true/real.
Byron Katie's "The Work," is a great tool to use when you feel stuck in this type of issue. You can go to her website and, for free, download her worksheets. They are very powerful and can change your life. I often use her worksheets in my own coaching practice with my clients and have seen some amazing transformations.
Letting go of the past is a decision. The important thing to do, though, is to find some tools that will support you in the letting go. We are often really invested in clinging to how things should be. It takes support and resources to help us relenquish our hold on these things. Counseling, groups, reading books, workshops, coaching, journaling, venting, feeling your feelings, finding a good support system, etc, are all ways in which you can support yourself in the, sometimes difficult, place of letting go. Most of all, be gentle with yourself. Self-care is the most essential resource you can provide for yourself right now. A fabulous book is "The Art of Extreme Self-Care" by Cheryl Richardson. I recommend it to all of my clients and own a copy for myself.
H., Wow, your experience sounds really scary. I'm so sorry you went through such a hard time. Is your husband now "there" for you? Is he still elsewhere? How is he acting towards you? If you were to have the same hospital situation today, would he be your advocate? Would he be with you in your pain and try to help? If the answer is yes, then you really do need to forgive him and move on. I know. Hard to do, easy to say. But, in that situation, you shouldn't keep living in the past, but rather embrace today and move forward. If he still is disengaged, that is a totally different story. I would suggest that you can't let it go because it is still your life. You can't let go of reality so easily, can you? So, I suppose you need to analyze your situation. If he is still emotionally unavailable, then you two need to work on that. Study your husband. Become a student of him. Find out what he needs, what he wants, how to serve him, how to engage him. See how that works for you. It will take work. I may take a couple of years, even. But, I believe you will find that the work is worth the reward.
What Teenmom said. 100%.
I read your post last week before leaving my workplace and couldn't respond until today.
The problem with unforgiveness isn't what it places on the other person but the bondage it puts you in. Now what to do?
Not very complicated at all but will take some work on your part. Get the movie FIREPROOF and the book LOVE DARE and work it out. It won't be easy work but the outcome will be amazing.
Learning how to love like God loves is the key to your exit from the bondage you have put yourself in from not forgiving. Forgiving doesn't excuse the other person from the terrible things they have done to you but frees you to move on in a postive way.
Well, there are good people in this world and there are bad. Sadly for you -you fell in with one of the bad. As much as you might hope and want him to be the caliber of person who would stay there for a woman who he made sacred vows to this is not who he is. Or ever was I would bet. To be honest your reason for getting married in the first place wasn't really a good one. You were SO young and thought you would lose eachother if he went into the service. Not something that lasting bonds are typically made of. I am guessing you had kids soon after and so stayed together.
So if you are still with him...kind of unclear about that from your post....you should probably thing about leaving him. Or at least get into counseling with him. You guys really could use an impartial 3rd party to help you sort through some of your issues-esp caring for you with your illness.
And I am not a litigious person but it sounds to me like you would have a lawsuit against the people that let this happen. You are putting the bulk of the blame on your husband when several medical professionals failed to understand or act on the severity of your situation. If you did make some money off of this it could support you if you do decide to leave him.
