A Strange Situation....

I have thrown a ton of baby showers & watched my mom throw a ton before me, and I don't think I've ever heard of giving a present to the first person there. Even if this is done somewhere, the prizes given at showers are supposed to be within the theme of the shower and given to the guest of honor by the prize winner. It was tacky of her and QUITE bizarre!

I vote for the lollipop idea! Put a bow around it and a "first place" ribbon! LOL
Wow. This is almost the most rude thing I've ever heard of!

Hi J.,

Just for everyone's information, that is an old tradition that I remember as a child. That being said, it was terribly rude of her to even mention something like this. Just like Lesley said, there's one in every family. I would send her a sweet note back (if you want to stay on good terms) and simply explain you didn't know to do that at the shower because the customs have changed. You can't do anything more than apologize. What happens from there is up to you!

Regards,

M.

I think I would ignore the card. If you send something now, your empowering her and her pettiness.

I guess I'd just tell her that the games and prizes for every shower are different. You had never heard of this sort of prize before, and had no expectation of offering it. You hope she enjoyed her time at the party, which was for your niece.

Your aunt's inquiry, especially because it's included in a card for your son, is tasteless beyond words. She apparently has no clue, so let it go.

For moments like this, I love the quote "Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past." She may never realize how bizarre her behavior was/is, so don't let it wreck your future. If she wants to stew over it, that's her problem.

I can't believe she mentioned it in your sons b-day card, you're right it really was tacky.
Personally, if it were me I would ignore it, and if I saw her and she were to bring it up I would just say "Oh I am sorry I meant to get back to you, we didn't do the first to arrive gift, so sorry for the confusion."
Did you even have a gift for the first to arrive? I've never heard of it, just getting your safety pin or what have you when you arrive. I also think its a little rude to ask for more gifts if she won some during the games. Usually after I win one gift thats it for me. I either give it to my runner up or to someone who hasn't gotten a gift at that point. But thats just me. Good Luck.

Did you promise a gift for the first person to arrive? If so, just send it it her and let it go. It is totally tasteless to remind you of a promised gift, especially so in your son's birthday card, but it's obviously very important to her. Just send it, no note, no apology and forget about it.

If there wasn't a gift promised, it's even more tasteless that she expects one and would go so far as to ask for one just because she thinks she deserves it, but I would totally ignore it until and unless she confronts you about it in person. In that case, I would simply say there was no prize for being the first to arrive, but I hope you enjoyed yourself at the shower.

Good luck!

Hahahaha! Oh, there's one in every family, isn't there!?

I'd ignore it unless she pushes the issue, then just say something like 'oh, I'll try and remember that for next time'. She's not being hurtful, just tacky and weird. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.

was there a gift for being first to arrive? if so, apologize for forgetting. If not, explain that there was no gift and tell her your sorry that she was mistaken.

The series of events does not justify giving her a response. I have learned in my family that you can never win with some people. Your intentions sound sincere, so you have nothing to feel guilty about. Just be your warm self next time you see her and save your energy for things that are worthwhile.

I would call her up and say how hurt you feel at her not feeling able to tell you at the time of her distress. Ask her why she said nothing for so long and then only had the nerve to write a note.

Plus, as a non-american, I thought the idea of a baby-shower was presents for the Mum-to-be and her baby, not the guests...

There is one in every family. I hate (I don't use that word) people like that. What's in it for me? UGH! I would find the most cheap prize (go to the dollar store and get a picture frame or a candle holder) that I could find and sent it to her with a note saying "didn't know that this prize meant so much to you". I was busy with the shower and forgot about the prize". If you still have the prize, send it to her. Do NOT go out and buy her something nice. You get what you get and you don't get upset! She will stew about this, and never let it go, if you don't send it, so I would send something that will make her, maybe, realize how petty she is. Better yet, if she lives close enough to you, drop it in her door when you know she's not around.

J.,

Like Stephanie M. said, I am also wondering if being the first to arrive was a game that you and the other organizers planned. If it was, then you owe your aunt a gift and apologize for the oversight. If it wasn't and your aunt just chose to make up her own baby shower game/present rules, then she is insane. Just tell her that being the first to arrive was not a game that you and the rest had planned, and that you do not owe her a gift. Fake compliment her by saying that you think it is a good idea, though.

Ask your mother or father, whomever is the sibling to your Aunt...my Aunt is VERY weird when it comes to stuff like this...I have to refer to my mother (her sister)....just 2 weeks ago, we were at a beach house for a week...my Aunt pretty much ruined a good time.....my mother often says, "she's a killjoy'......WHY INVITE HER!?! Sheesh!!!!
Again, it may have NOTHING to do with you....she might just be "off"...

I agree it was a tasteless act but I guess if it was me, I would go and buy a nice smelling candle for a couple of bucks and give it to her wrapped in a pretty bow and tell her sorry for missing at the time. IMO it would be worth the peace over a couple of bucks than her having hard feelings. Obviously it was bothering her enough to bring it up to you.

If you said that she won and didn't present it to her then give it to her. then I'd also say that she owes your child a real birthday card unadulterated with just good wishes. If not there was no mention of such gift/prize then call her and ask her what she means and once she explains say we didn't do this and my feelings were hurt that you felt you had to communicate with me through a childs card.

I wouldn't ignore it. I would just call her and say "I saw your note in my sons bday card and wanted to let you know there wasn't a gift for being the first person to arrive at the shower." It's clearly on her mind after 3 weeks and probably won't let it go so you should address it. And yes, it's rude and quite strange. Good luck.

Ummm.... seriously?!?! This is the most rudest and craziest thing I have ever heard. Was that a game - that the person who shows up first gets a gift? Well, if so, explain that you are sorry for the oversight and then send her something from the dollar store or the dollar bin at Target and call it a day. Some people...

Uh I'd hate to break it to anyone who expects gifts at a shower (other than the one expecting) that guests aren't entitled to any gifts... I've never even heard of that! I had my shower about 3 weeks ago as well, and I didn't buy anyone any presents lol I can understand prizes won at games, etc. but I can't believe she actually had the nerve to ask you, let alone in a birthday card for your son! Did you promise any gifts? If not, that's so tacky that she would bring it up (especially 3 weeks later).

Sounds like your Aunt is not comfortable talking to you about these feeling she is having but, you are correct, she has been holding on to this thought for a long time and it probably should be addressed. Perhaps you could send her a note saying "I'm sorry you misunderstood the games at the shower. Many people run their parties in different ways, and although we played many games at the party, the "First guest there" game was not on our list. I will consider including that game at the next shower I host. I hope you enjoyed the games we did play and have fun with the prizes you won. Lots of love and hope to see you soon."
Good luck with this issue, families are difficult at best. You are a great person for hosting the shower and the parents-to-be surely appreciate your efforts, even if some of the guests are opinionated.

I've never heard of such a thing either ("prize" for being first to arrive) - and how tacky and rude is she to say ANYTHING, much less stick it in a birthday card to your son! Can you mention it to your mother/father (whomever the sibling is) without it turning into a huge deal? And then see what they say?

If it were me, I would probably just say something like, "Gee, I'm sorry, I had never heard of such a thing - I figured what we had already done was fine." And leave it at that. In other words, play dumb. But that's me. When somebody says something to me in a underhanded sort of way, I just turn it around on them.

Just as an example, once I had some pics posted on FB of our family vacation and most of them included our toddler daughter. My teenage stepsons were with us but most of the time were off doing their own thing so I barely had any pics of them. Their mother made the comment "There are so many pictures of A, you wouldn't think my boys were there!" Really? I took tons of pics of them when they were younger, now I have a kid of my own - if you want all these pics of them, YOU take them! Some people told me in private they could not believe how rude she came across by posting that. I just wrote below her comment, "Well, they wanted to be left alone and it's really hard for me to get pictures of them these days like before - you know teenagers!" She basically had already made herself look bad, and that hopefully stopped her in her tracks. You get the idea.

Oh My! I agree that Auntie is VERY rude. I think you have a couple of ways of handling this:

1) If she was supposed to get ANOTHER gift...(as in you had said the first one gets a prize), send her a dollar store gift.

2) If there was no mention of this gift - you can:
a) just igore her
b) send her a dollar store gift
c) tell her there was a 2 gift maximum per guest

I think she's being outrageous! If it were me, I wouldn't give her anything. I understand respect for our elders, but I also strongly feel that respect is earned...if you don't act respectably, I don't have respect for you.

Bless your heart!! You could write a book!!
K.

Is she kind of off her rocker or what? Was a big deal made about the first person arriving gets a free gift?.... What did happen to the gift then?
It's definitely rude, but sounds like she has a mental problem, normal people wouldnt do such a thing. You might need to cut her some slack.
It has me scratching my head ;)

This is rather strange, but some people are like that...they want to get what they were promised. You must have "advertised" that the first person to the shower would receive a gift, so you should have planned some sort of "gift" for that. I would call my aunt and apologize for the oversight and maybe even say something (in a very kind way) that you wish she would have said something sooner instead of letting it bother her for three weeks. Then I would give her some sort of gift. For whatever reason it was important to her. No need to let bad feelings fester over a party gift.
Good luck.
-J.

Am I the first person to have never even heard of this tradition of getting a gift for being the first person at a shower? I've hosted a number of showers over the years and this is the first I've ever heard of this. Must be a local tradition - I live in the NY metro area.
Regardless of the tradition, in our family if you're a member of the family you're not a guest. Since the shower was for her daughter she wouldn't be expected to help during the shower, but I sure would have expected her to arrive early and see ift here's anything she could do to help.
I would give her a call and tell her that since she's the grandma-to-be you assumed that she wouldn't have thougth the gift would apply to her - obviously the grandbaby is going to be the best gift ever. Or wait until the baby arrives and send her a "congrats on the grandbaby" card with a note explaining that thankfully she now had the best gift ever for getting to the shower first - that adorable grandbaby. ;o) This aunt sounds like a winner - be glad she's not your mother in law!

I just choked reading this. wow. go get a lollipop, put a small bow and send it to her with a note: a gift for arriving first at the baby shower. thank you for coming.

Your aunt must truly be off her rocker to even ask the question, let alone, in your son's birthday card.

I love the idea of being as ridiculous as she is, and go to the dollar store, buy some dollar piece of junk, wrap it all nice, and send it to her.

Then forget about it.

My goodness, some people...

I would send her a stick of gum along with the word "congratulations - here's your prize."

Weird and annoying, just like her response.

I'd let her know it wasn't her baby shower. The point is to give gifts to the pregnant woman NOT the guests.

Is she 4?!?! She sure is acting like some young children do about the Birthday Party Favors! I'd just ignore her but it would irritate me! If she borught it up I'd have a hard time not referencing the 4 year old bit :-).

That is odd, tacky, and rude. In my opinion, it does not dignify a response. I would ignore it. I'm actually surprised at the number of people that said you should run out and buy her another gift, even a smallish one. Not worth your time and effort. IF your aunt ever calls you or asks you in person, I would just say, simply, "Actually, you are incorrect, I did not *forget* to give you anything. That "first guest to arrive" game or gift must be an old tradition I was not at all familiar with and we did not plan for the shower. You know, not every shower is exactly the same, right?"

That's about the rudest thing I've ever heard of (her behavior, not yours). Wow!

I would kindly let her know that was not planned for the shower, regardless of who walked in the door first (I've actually never even heard of this). Then I would say I hope she enjoyed the other two gifts she won as well as lunch.

Yikes!

This is so horrible! I would just let her know that there was no gift for the first person. Not all showers give gifts for the first person. And if you had previously told her that she would get a gift for being the first one, just let her know that it slipped your mind and just run out and get her like a $5 starbucks card or something. (that's if you want to keep the peace) If you don't care, just let her know there are no more gifts, sorry. I think it's horrible that she is taking it so seriously and I think it was totally not appropriate to put that in the birthday card. Just horrible!

Well first Were you giving a gift to the first one to arrive? If so give her the gift. If that was not a gift being given then let her know this. I personally would say to her you won 2 gifts during the games, you ate good and had a good time, isn't that enought auntie. It sounds like she has this game down. She gets there first and then knows most of the shower games so she can win those too. I bet she is a horder of shower gift. If you ever do this again set some ground rules. State that you would like to give everyone a chance to win a gift so if you have already won a gift you can still play the games but the gift will go to someone that has not won a gift. I am the type if I win more than one game I always give the 2nd gift to someone else so they get a gift. If your Aunt is comes to that event she will probably leave early since she can only win one gift.

Did the organizers of this shower plan, in advance, to "give a gift to the first attendee"? If yes, then beg forgetfulness and give her the "forgotten" gift. If not, tell her, "in organizing this shower, we had not planned for a first person in the door gift. I am so sorry. But that's a great idea for the next one. Thanks for reminding me!" This way you show not irritation, and if she is upset, she is upset all by herself.

How about, you were the hostess, and this was not one of the prizes that you were doing. I'd say, hope you had a nice time anyway, and hope she shuts the heck up? :)

Okay, you have left me with my mouth hung open! But, Rebecca B is right in a good way to handle it, if she is due a gift. You just have to ignore some people and think silently...some people.

I like Vivace's answer a lot! It allows you to address this without giving you aunt any reason to be (even more) rude.

Obviously there is something wrong as of late with your Aunt. Don't know how old she is, if she is young I'd say she has some peculiar chemical/drinking problem, if she was old I'd say dimentia, you know...anyway, go to the Dollar Store, buy a tiny flowery stationery thing or postits, wrap it and send it to her. Or you could have it out, get family members to be on eachother's sides, not talk to anyone in years and wonder why we are all so sad. (Actually this is what my family does). I don't know that it's tasteless, maybe she confused someone else's shower (back to chemical problems, dimentia) or maybe she's an idiot. The point is she stewed on this for three weeks and it's not a big deal. People are weird sometimes, that's all.

My thought would be to not answer it at all. It was inappropriate on several levels but she is your elder. It is not worth picking a battle over. Do your best to let it go.

I would contact her and let her know that she was not overlooked, you simply did not have a gift for the first to arrive. Then let her know it was nice having her at the shower, see ya soon, yadda yadda yadda. She is being rude, but you should take the high road and offer a friendly response.

In this econmy, many people have trouble coming up with the money to buy the guest of honor gifts, let alone gifts for the first person to show up!!!

I would ignore it completely. I wouldn't even acknowledge the rudeness! Then if, and only if, she had the nerve to bring it up again would I ask her WHY she expects a gift just for walking in the door and if she is 2 years old!

um a family member expected to receive a gift for being the first person at a baby shower? not sure which tradition she speaks of but i have NEVER heard of this and have been to several baby showers. on top of it she is family and i would expect family always shows early to help out and not expect a gift. I think its silly, and you can or can not say what you want. either way it sounds like she is going to be bitter about it anyways....how absolutely silly

That is the strangest thing I've ever heard! How incredibly rude! Hopefully this was just a joke that you're not getting and it means that you gave away so many prizes.
Give her a call thanking her for your sons card and ask otherwise you'll never know. I can't imagine she couldve possibly been offended when you hosted her daughters shower!! If so, she probably is typically like this but in that case this wouldn't have been so surprising, huh? WACKY!!!

If she is playing stupid games like giving a card to you without good explanation or talking to you personally, I would ignore this request because it's the dumbest thing I have ever heard. I never had a game at any shower that you get a gift for being first arrival. Give her a handshake and say good job if that's what she wants.

I am sorry, but I have never heard of a prize for the first to arrive. Maybe if it was announced on the invitation that there was a prize for the first there - but, huh? I would send an email back saying that you hoped she had a great time, congratulate her on winning prizes - but you don't know anything about a first arrival prize.
Any other hints in her past with other unusual behavior?
M.

Tell her unfortunately there wasn't a gift for that!

I would totally ignore it unless you feel led to send her the gift. =)

I wouldn't respond. I would tell her (if she says anything) "Surely you jest!" That is the STUPIDEST thing I have ever heard.

Look a baby shower is about the baby and the parents...not the 1st person to come in the door. WHO THE HELL MADE UP THAT RULE! It isn't in Emily Post or Miss Manners....So, it is STUPID!

And of course she was the first one in... (if she is also the Grandmother). Don't say a word unless you use the above statement ;)...that kind of comment doesn't deserve a response.

I apologize for being so vehement about this...I think it is terribly rude to say that in a card to your SON...and it is rude of her to say at all. Because I have had a fool in my family like this too...I would confront the issue with humor as I stated above. Unfortunately we are so PC these days that we don't tell people when they are out of line and then we end up with fools like her.

julie b. said it right...all gifts are suppose to go back to the guest of honor. tell her you gave it to your neice already:)

I think we are all wondering... was there a prize to be won for being the first to arrive? If so, send her a small gift and an apology that it was overlooked. Some people (especially some "older" ones) take these gifts VERY seriously! She may also be someone who prides herself on being PROMPT, and may have been looking forward to this "win" in advance! Consider it one of her quirks, love her, laugh it off, and move on. And while you may not have liked finding the note in your son's bday card, feel lucky to have an aunt who remembers your little guy's birthday and sends him a card. Now, if this was NOT even a game... I don't even know what to say!?!? In that case, it's QUITE the quirk!!!! :)

Recently someone here referred to possible dementia in an older person.
I wonder if auntie is maybe just a little bit askew.
I'm glad she was able to win some prizes at the shower;
sounds like she may have had a good time there.
There aren't enough hours in the week to figure out everybody's quirks.
How old was your son this week?
Was it a nice birthday card?

This is very strange!! I wouldnt even get too heated over it. I would ring her and simply tell her there was no such gift arranged and if it had been, it would have been noted in the invitation, because it would merely be a prompt to ensure there was no tardiness of arrivals. I would thank her again for attending. Do not mention the Birthday card or the way she has handled this situation....she will realise from your contact that she was silly and in the wrong. She most likely will be feeling embarrassed. You be the strong person and deal with it...dont let it fester. Regards

How rude! First of all, there is no rule that says the first person to a shower gets a gift, I have been to tons of showers and have had one, and have never even heard of this "tradition". I guess it could be regional, but since I am a military wife the showers I have been to have been for and arranged by woman from all over our great nation, and I still have never heard of this "game". I would simply ignore it. If she does ever bring it up again, or if you do not want to ignore it, just send a note back saying that there was no prize for being on time for the party.

First I would call my mother and tell her about her sister or sister in law. My mom has ways of dealing with them. THen I would let it go and ignore the note. If she brings it up simply state it wasn't part of your plan.
I have never heard of such a gift anyway.
I have also been to showers where the guests get to open gifts but it's all baby items, small things like bottles, bibs, onesies, etc, for the new M..

Oh dear, did someone in jest say "you get a prize for being the first to arrive"? She might have taken that seriously?! Since she is family I would send her something very small (like a small box of stationary on sale) and say sorry for the over-sigtht and let it go. Not worth having bad feelings over something so silly! Especially with the holidays coming up you don't want this to fester and ruin any upcoming family events.

Good luck whatever you decide.

That is so tacky. Does she really need a $5 gift that bad? Reminds me of my bitchy aunt who I have cut ties with cause I was always tired of her negativity. I would not respond back to her.

Is this a game your family typically plays at showers?  Was it stated in the invitation that a gift would be given? If yes, is this a big gift (like movie tickets, resturant gift card, wine, etc)?  

If it is a big gift and was mentioned in the invite that she would recieve it, then I think it is your duty to mail it to her with an apology.  
If there was no mention of this, at the shower or on the invite, then maybe a polite phone call stating that no gift would be given for this type of thing is in order.

Is she older?  Maybe she is doing it for some extra attention or company. Elderly people can get lonely, especially if she lives alone or doesn't participate in activities. ???

Either way, I think it is very odd that she waited until now to
mention it. Also, please don't bring up your son's birthday. I think that would be very tacky. She doesn't owe him a card/gift, etc - just as you
probably don't owe her a shower prize. 

WOW sounds like she has issues. I think you should not respond, let her dwell on it herself and if the time would come that she cant stand it anymore then she will ask you. I mean she will even be wondering if you got the note or if your son opened the card and didnt give it to you. She was not the one having a baby. She was not the host, she was a guest as was everyone else. I wouldnt waist a minute on this. How sefish she is. Shame on her.......

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