A Mom with Twins Seeking Advice on Different Personalities.

Updated on September 24, 2009
D.C. asks from Bellevue, WA
6 answers

I have two little 6 year old twin boys. Both adorable and kind. One is taking off socially, athletically and academically. The other seems to be getting grumpier and more frustrated by the day. He seems to be reverting in behavior and self confidence. They are in different classrooms so the competition isn't apparant so I think. How do you help cheer on one and help the other. I want both to be in the spotlight and equally happy. HELP

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W.C.

answers from Seattle on

Start spending alone time with each twin. Make it a considerable length of time so that you have time to find the talent and interest of each twin. Talk, listen and watch, to find out what is going on. Continue to do this even if the "grumpier" twin doesn't want to do it. Enlist his father to do it too. This may take time.

It is possible that is "talent, interest,..." is not showing academically--that he is having trouble in school. Talk to his teacher. If that is true. Put him into sports, or something else that he can be "good" in all by him self.

1 mom found this helpful

B.B.

answers from Salt Lake City on

All siblings have different personalities, talents, and interests regardless of whether or not they share a birth date. One of my triplets is musical while the other two enjoy sports. My budding musician gets testy when I encourage him to participate in soccer... Maybe you just need to find something that interests your little twin... Something that he is good at and that makes him feel like he's accomplishing and excelling at something.

www.thosecrazybeans.blogspot.com

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J.F.

answers from Seattle on

Two things boys are very challenging when it comes to them becoming social. My mom is a twin and really in your situation I believe the other twin will be your best resource. WIth my mom I've noticed that when no one can console her her sister can. It's the strangest most unique thing in the world. I have one son in 3rd grade and his kindergarden brother is excelling so fast and is so easy for teachers where my older one has been a challenge from day one. You need to find what the one having challenged is good at and make a the biggest deal about it! It mayb the littlest thing ever, but it will work and it's not easy just keep doing the best you can. I also have 2 younger boys talk about personality differences.. Wow!

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A.S.

answers from Eugene on

i have twin brothers, one of whom excelled in many things, the other was "slow" - and i watched with sadness as my father compared them and the slower one fell farther and farther behind his brother. i hope no one is comparing your boys and judging the one as inferior in any way. i think it would be important to spend extra time with and discover what is going on for the grumpier one, whether it is about feeling left behind or left out or compared with his twin, or whether maybe it is something that is going on in school, given that he is in a whole different situation there, with a different teacher and different kids. i would suggest talking with both of their teachers to see if they can give you any information about what they see. maybe you could participate in the classroom and/or field trips some, so that you could get a better sense of what is going on at school. it may be that his teacher isn't very good, or not a good fit for him, or maybe (s)he could be more helpful to your son if you give her/him some more input about him. and of course you could spend some special time with him helping him to discover what kinds of things he enjoys that are perhaps different from what his brother is "good at." or maybe it could be the same subjects, but he just does them in a different way, his own way (rather than thinking he has to find different interests and can't enjoy doing the same things his brother does). Also he may need to make his own set of friends, if he doesn't "fit in" with his brother's friends. i think it is wonderful that you are thinking about this now and reaching out for suggestions, it sounds like you are and will continue to be a really good mom!

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H.D.

answers from Portland on

Having twins is not an experience I am personally familiar with, but I know what it is to love my son and to see him be the late bloomer in his peer group. My son was the last to walk, the last to crawl and to sit up in his peer group. No matter how healthily-distanced we want to be in our children's lives, it's natural to want each child to be shining with their peers. And when it's so apparent in one sibling and not in the other, it can hit us with even more of a desire to even the odds, so to speak.

I was a late bloomer and it was hard. I didn't actually come into my own until long after I'd graduated. Having other people outside my own family to talk to really helped. Watching other people do things seemingly easily was depressing as kid, but it was so hard too when my family had expectations of me that felt beyond my grasp. It's hard to know that you've disappointed your parent in some way.

But here's the thing: you are going to have to find a way to be okay with this disparity. And then you are going to have to figure out how to give your more frustrated son some help.

Opening up an empathetic dialogue is a start. Using the tools in "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and How to Listen so Kids will Talk", it can become easier to talk about tender topics. Then, if you feel like he needs a different ear, you could always consider him going to a counselor that specializes in working with children. There are a lot of great ones. It's not that we as parents aren't concerned and able to comfort our kids, it's more that perhaps sometimes our kids need someone besides ourselves to talk to.

I don't have any other advice beyond this because you weren't very specific in your post, but believe me, this book can really help. Just a conversation that begins with "I see you are really sad/angry/upset when such-and-such happens. Can you tell me about this?" might be all he needs to get the conversation rolling.
My best to you.

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M.P.

answers from Medford on

Hi D.,
I have 6 y.o. fraternal twin boys, too. And they are in the same class. Somehow I'm starting to learn that they know each others differences. My more verbally gifted boy seems to celebrate his brothers athletic gifts. I hope the other guy can do the same around academics. It makes my stomach get tight at times too. And it is true, they are different beings, whether they be twins or just brothers. I hope each of us can find a way to support their differences and trust that it will all be ok. Or at least be better able to help them also tolerate their differences.
Married, twins and part time at work. Mary

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