A Little Support

Dear Sweet J. -- I feel your pain, dear. The loss of a child, no matter what the age, is one of the hardest things a mother ever endures. I myself am the mother of an angel, & though it's been 12 years, there are times it seems like just yesterday. You are not alone in this, dear friend.
My second pregnancy nearly cost my life--instead, it cost me the life of my precious baby boy, Benjamin Adam. I was very ill in my 6th month, went into preterm labor, & was rushed to the best perinatal clinic in the state of Ohio, where I spent 45 days in critical care over the next 3 months. The entire time I lay in that bed, I prayed to God to keep my children safe & healthy, & to help the doctors find out what was wrong with me, as I needed strength to be able to raise 2 children alone. I was so very ill, & when I wasn't hospitalized, I lay on the sofa at my parent's home, where they watched after my daughter, who was just 3 years old. I watched her every move, watched her change & grow, unable to take physical care of her, but I gave her all the love a mother could give! As I lay there over those 3 months, I bonded with the little soul growing inside. He was a feisty little man, always jumping around, sticking his feet out my ribcage at 3a.m. to see if I'd wake & rub his little feet to stop his little game of Mom-soccer. I was so glad I'd made the choice to know my baby's sex, because his personality before birth is what I remember most.
Two weeks before my due-date, I had an ultrasound done. The baby was head down, & the doc had a heck of a time getting the ultrasound done, cuz he wasn't wanting to cooperate. But all was fine. Two days later, I went into labor, & called my doc when the contractions were 10 minutes apart. Within 2 hours, I discovered my unborn son was destined to become an angel. His little heart had stopped sometime during the night. I developed coping skills over the next 24 hours I never knew a woman could possess. I was heavily sedated & put on pitocin to help with the labor. I woke when heavy contractions began, & though it was one of the most tragic events of my life, it was also one of the most beautiful. My daughter was born cesarean, & I was able to deliver Ben vaginally. Through such tragedy & sorrow, I was able to find joy. I held my son & kissed him, wrapped up in blankets. They took photos of us, and snipped a row of his beautiful brown hair & taped it to a card.
I went on to heal, both mentally & physically, but spiritually I was growing, & depended more & more on God for strength. I went on to become a nurse, because I wanted to make a difference in the medical field, to help another in their time of need.
I still have days when I want to shut the world out, I especially have difficulty around Christmas. You see, my first hospitalization was just before Christimas, & my first discharge was Christmas Eve day. I do not enjoy the holidays as I did when I was younger, but I have re-married & have a wonderful husband, and have found the other children I so despirately needed in my life--two little girls. Anna was only two when we married, & I have watched her grow & change over the years, giving me a chance to reflect on time I missed with my own daughter due to my illness, but also to feel that mother's love of having a baby to cuddle & hold.
Time--the ugly 4-letter word--will heal your wounds, dear friend. That doesn't mean you'll forget your beautiful little daughter! It will turn from gut-wrenching, breath-taking pain to memories of the good times you had with her. I worked for a doctor whose daughter died from leukemia just after her 13th birthday. He knew of my loss, & came to me for support. I told him I thought he was a lucky man--he got to hear his daughter's cries as a baby, watch her grow & smile, walk & talk, play soccer & go on father-daughter trips, while I would never know the sound of my own son's voice. He just hugged me tight, & thanked me for reminding him of the happy, positive things he remembered about his daughter.
I'm so glad you have two other children now--they are such a gift from God, & I'm sure through your loss you've spoiled these two as much as humanly possible, you kiss & hug them many many times a day, & watch over them as a mother hen. They won't bring your baby girl back, but they can fill your life with many happy days, & over time, will help heal that empty spot in your heart--it will never go away, it will just grow smaller as your children will help fill that large void.
I'm sorry I was long-winded, but sometimes being able to share my story with someone makes me remember how far I've come since then, & how my tragedy has been followed by so many hundreds of blessings over the years.
You will do fine, my friend. Even though at times you wonder how you'll ever survive this, you WILL. You will become a much stronger person as a result, and who knows--maybe there will come a day when you will be able to help someone else who's hurting by lending an ear, and reaching out.
If you want, you can email me. I'll be here if you need someone to talk to, or if you need a shoulder, or if you feel the need to scream at the whole world & vent your frustrations & anger. Mothers of angels should always stay close, it's a great support system.
Take care of yourself, & hug your youngs ones extra tight,
love them & spoil them with all your might,
soon you'll again sleep all through the night,
& wake up one day to see it'll be all right.
God Bless!

I hurt for you as I remember some of the pain you are talking about. Our 3rd child died a few hours after birth. Through an ultrasound we knew ahead of time of his condition and that he would not survive. We found out when I was 6 months pregnant and he was born at 8 months. That was almost 15 years ago and we have gone on to have 4 more healthy children.
Our prayer at the time was that our baby's death would not be in vain. As the years have past God has given us healing as we have seen how He used this child's short life to impact us and those around us. I think there is a way to respond back and forth through mamasource if you would like to talk some more. Although sharing the story of our babies death is difficult somehow there is healing in knowing you are not alone.

I lost a son 22 years ago, it hurts I know, Im sure you are feeling it hard now, because you have a 5 month old, close to the same age your child was when he passed away, and the anniversary of his death is nearing, there are support groups on the internet, if you like that kind of thing, I also think LSU< has some support groups as well.

You may email me, if you would like to chat.

D.

Hi J., my name is K., and I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. I lost my first born also. She was born with a couple of different birth defects. Her name was Laila, she fought for 5 months. It has been 4 years now, and I still find it hard sometimes. I now have a 2 year old little girl. I will never get over losing Laila, but I've just learned to live with it. I go visit her grave as often as I can. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that I do understand how you feel.

I am so sorry for your loss, J.. The death of a child is the deepest grief imaginable. You may find alot of help here www.mend.org . I know there are chapters of this organization throughout the US.

Oh J.! (((((((((HUGS)))))))) I am so sorry for the loss of your baby Briana. I am crying at the thought of your loss. I cannot even pretend to understand how deep your pain is. I lost a baby, but mine was during pregnancy, 10 weeks, and that was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. This was just a year ago for me, and I still think about my angel every day.

While our losses were SO VERY different, I know that I felt very very alone, like there was no one that understood and no one to talk to. I turned to the message boards on WebMD and found some women that are now some of my closest friends....although they are spread all over the country. But again, I know that our pain is very different.

I'm not sure how much help I can be, but I'm here if you want someone to talk to.