A Little Jealous

That's hard. Just be a good mom when you are with her, and she will know you are her mom. She will adore her grandma as her grandma and love her mom as her mom. You are the only mom she will ever have. You don't need to be jealous.

M.,
I know exactly how you feel. I think it's very common for this to happen - and it won't always be this way. Your daughter knows that you are the mommy!
This happened with my son and his babysitter. One day I went to pick him up and he turned away from me and hung on to her for dear life and started to cry!!!! This happened around the same time; 5 months or so. I nursed him for 13 months (and I pumped for him while he was with his sitter). - So I don't think that has anything to do with it. It crushed my heart and I went home and cried! It happened for a while on and off and then all of a sudden it stopped! One think I noticed that helped was that the babysitter would prepare him for my arrival. She would tell him "mommy is on her way" and get him all worked up and excited. Then, when I would show up she would make a big hoot about it and clap and show him how excited she was - and he would surprisingly get SUPER excited too! He would then come to me and hug me and giggle too! - Have your mom try that. It may help. Hang in there. She'll overcome this and so will you! :O)

Dear M.,
I understand your feelings completely.
I was 24 when my daughter was born and I fell madly in love with her before she was ever born. She loved me too. But, there was only one thing standing between our perfect, undivided affection........My mother.
My mother is not one of those fussy, overbearing or bossy moms, My daughter just adored her. In fact her first word was, Nannie. My mom wasn't sure what she wanted to be called, but never thought of that one. It was just the word the baby came up with and it stuck.
Now everyone calls my mother Nannie. I'm not sure she even had her true first name on her driver license anymore. LOL.
You just have to know that all children have such a capability for love. And that's what makes them so beautiful. But nothing, and no one, replaces Mommy. Not ever.
I think you should be glad that you have such a secure baby. She's not dissing you....She knows that you will always be there for her. And she has a wonderful connection with her grandmother. She's there a lot, and so are you. You are fortunate that she can be so close to her grandma. Mine was 3,000 miles away from me my entire life, but we still had a bond that she didn't have with the other kids. It had nothing to do with whether I loved my parents or other relatives.
When your baby is with you, make sure to have lots of cuddle time. Sing to her and be silly and establish your own world with her.
I promise....she's a baby and hasn't chosen one person over another.
And you are so lucky to have your mom so close in her life. And in yours, too.
Try to appreciate how safe your daughter feels in her world. My daughter, who adored me, didn't want me walking her to class for her first day of kindergarten. She said she was big enough. I went anyway....but she wasn't afraid and that's what I took from it.

Hang in there and know that all babies love their mommies. They don't see the world through our eyes, we have to try to see it through theirs.
Give lots of kisses and cuddles...and take care!

Every mom I knew (myself included) who worked outside of the home felt a bit jealous about the bond their baby had with his/her caregiver/nanny. Rationally, you know that it's a good thing that your baby is happy and with someone who is providing love and excellent care. Emotionally, you feel just as you described. I breastfed for a few weeks, but I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis while pregnant and had to go on meds that prevented my from continuing to breastfeed (I had pumped a ton and frozen the milk ahead of time but fed it with a bottle). My now five year-old is very clear that I'm his mom. Yes, there were phases along the way, but my son has treated me like his mom for many years. Don't listen to the grandmas who say that some kids will always prefer grandma. Grandmas often let their grandchildren do things they wouldn't have let their own children do, and of course that is fun. However, excitement about grandma can peacefully co-exist with mommy and daddy being number one. I know it's hard after a long day's work, but try to be sure that the time you do have with your baby is filled with fun, such as peek-a-boo, developmentally appropriate toys, and reading board books. Also, carry your baby as much as possible. I had a Baby Bjorn (I'm not sure if Ergo carriers were around when my son was a baby), and I carried my son around the house as I did housework, etc. I found that carrying him on me helped a great deal with bonding. I would put on fun music and dance with him in the Bjorn (just be sure not to jostle your baby's neck and head too much, even with the supportive flap on the Bjorn). Love your daughter unconditionally, as a I'm sure you do, and don't let her see that her relationship with your mom upsets you. Everything will be fine. And babies can bond just fine without being fed at the breast. Just be sure to hold her/stap her on to you as much as possible.

This is very normal... believe me, it will change back and forth between you and others like Grandma, you and Daddy and so forth!!! Just be grateful she is showing appreciation for your mom, and that means your mom must be doing a great job!!! Which should make you feel comfortable leaving her there!!! You are very, very lucky to have that kind of network of love!!! I am also fortunate to have a great mother and mother-in-law!!! And my kids light up like a Christmas tree when they are around!!!

Love, G.. :0)
http://stemcellforautism.blogspot.com/

"I know of nobody who is purely Autistic or purely neurotypical. Even God had some Autistic moments, which is why the planets all spin." ~ Jerry Newport

M.,
First, let me say shame on those mommy's who are telling you that you should be home and not working!!! What in the world they are thinking is beyond me!! Bless you sweetie for being strong enough to help your family by helping provide!! There are MANY MANY ways to love and raise a family and for SURE one of those ways is to be selfless enough that you can go to a job for the better of your family. I can tell you that I would have MUCH rather stayed home but there is not a way today for a famiily to make it on one income if "Dad" is not making enough to pay all bills! I have never understood why some feel that you are not being a good mom if you have to go work ... today, more than ever, those mommys that can stay home are very very BLESSED and those of us who must work (and YES darn it we MUST) are just as BLESSED. Dont worry about baby becoming attached to grandma, this will VERY soon change as baby adjusts to the change...be patient and strong your a good mother and your lucky to have a good mother too!
GOD BLESS YOU and dont be jealous, thrive on the fact that baby and grandma are building a very special bond that will last and still will never outshine a love a child has for mommy even if she works.....they BOTH love you beyond life itself!!!! Be thankful and confident that you are doing fine and are just very lucky to have mom to count on.

M., it sounds like your Mom is having some conflicted feelings of her own and maybe enjoys having your daughter's dependency upon her in some way that she's not entirely conscious of (grandparenting can meet some deep emotional needs but it should not be the expense of your intimacy with your child). It sounds like she is a very loving person and is very supportive, but you need this time to be able to rely upon her for emotional support and I suspect the jealousy between you might make that awkward. I think that the fact that you have acknowledged to yourself that this situation doesn't feel right is the first step in changing. Once you and your small family are able to get out on your own, (even if it's smaller than you'd prefer,but safe and affordable) then you will gain the physical boundaries you need to get out of this competition with your Mom. Until then, just keep in mind that you your daughter's Mom, and make sure to assert yourself around the times that babies really bond- feeding, bathing, going to sleep (especially sleep)and try to participate in these as much as you can. Good luck!

You've heard this already but let me chime in that your daughter will know you and have a definite connection. I freaked out a bit with my first daughter too bc she started crying when the nanny left but believe me, it changed. I bleed terribly with my deliveries and am naturally really thin so never made much breast milk so never breast fed much. Didn't make a difference AT ALL. My second daughter was cared for initally by a baby nurse bc my oldest was only 15 months and yes - so attached to mommy that I worried she'd go beserk if I took care of the new baby too much. (I work full time btw). Both girls always want me now and I don't really understand it except it's just kids and their mommmies. Your daughter may be equally comfortable with your mom and like people said, you're really lucky. It'll give her another adult in her life to feel really close to but don't worry - you're her mom and plenty of days soon you'll wish she'd let go of you.

M. Sweetie.. It's going to be just fine. I am 24 yrs old. My son is bout to be 4 yrs old in Jan. I went through the same thing..He stayed with my parents on the weekend cause me and his father both worked on weekends and few days during the week.. At one point I couldn't even calm him down when holding him, but as soon as my mom held him he was quiet..But as I learned, it's just a fase. Part of it could be the guiltiness because your away and have to work.. i felt the same way too.. Don't be jellous..Try not to take it personal. You're baby knows who her Mommy is.. just by smell and when she sees you..She just might be close to your mom to since she does watch her.. I know exactly how u feel.. I went through it too.. but just know. that your baby girl does love you and know exactly who u are.. and that is the wonderful Mommy that you are.

My son still to this day ever since he was a baby is crazy about my brother. It's worse now.. when we go to my mom house..he runs past everyone, barely speaks and goes straight to my brother..to play with him..my brother is 26 yrs old..lol..he doesn't really want to be bothered with his mommy when he is over there..but as soon as his uncle is gone or we are not there.. then I am his favorate again..so see, it's not just you.. i know how you feel.i just try not to take it personal myself.. I wish you luck and my prayers are with you..

Happy Holidays to you and Congrats on your new baby girl.

God Bless,
C.

She will know who you are and prefer you. For example, my husband is a workaholic. There are days he doesn't even see my boys. My brother in law lives with us. From 3 months to about 8 or 9 months, I thought my baby thought he was the daddy and would never want my husband. However, it just changed one day and now real daddy is much higher up in the totem pole than uncle. They go through stages of who they prefer. You'll probably see in the future too preference between you and your husband. Don't worry. You'll be number one.

stay home and take care of your daughter.

First off - perfectly natural feeling for a tired mom.

I adopted my little girl at 9 months. I had tons of family help and wondered how she's know I was the mom. Don't worry - she'll know. It's one of the blessings. For me I think it was the consistant night time routine that helped. She had lots of other attention, but I was there at the end and the beginning of her days. Also, caring for her during late night teething pain - LOL.
She'll figure it out - I promise. My family is now sick of "I want my mommy" - haha. In the meantime try to comfort yourself and rest with the fact that your daughter knows lots of love - and so do you.

Hi M.,

I went back to work when baby was almost 3 months old. You may just be feeling guilty too about working. I have that feeling like he will like his babysitter more, or he feels like that's his house, and not ours. Baby's need attachment though, I was just grateful my friend could watch him and be his daytime "mama". We call her Auntie!.

WOW, if I didn't know any better I posted this question 13 months ago. I couldn't breastfeed because I didn't produce any milk, which devastated me. I felt/feel so guilty about it. Our pediatrician was amazing and told me about how she has two kids, her son was breastfed and her daughter was not. They both have the same GPA and both go to amazing collages. She told me that her and her daughter are so close. When her daughter was picking collages her daughter called her and said, "you know I'm staying in state, right?" and the doctor said, "why?" and she said, "you know we're too co-dependant for me to move that far away." That story made me feel better.
As far as childcare, my mom watches my daughter and started watching her at 3 months. I spent most of my after work hours there also, until I decided I needed to start doing stuff with just her at home (and my daughter became more active and fun). I remember one time I went to pick her up and she was hungry (she was probably about 5 months old). I put her in the high chair to feed her and she started crying. My mom walked back in the room and she stopped. I told my mom to leave the room again and she started crying again. I was in tears within seconds because my baby wanted my mom (who had been with her all day) not me, the one who gave birth to her and had been gone for 8 hours. It's hard. Working is hard, leaving my baby is hard, juggling it all is hard, but let me tell you this...the best feeling in the world is when I pick my daughter up now and her face lights up and she says mama! It will be hard, but it gets so much better! Try to think of it as a build in substitute for when you're not around. Your daughter is so lucky to be with someone who loves her almost as much as you love her all day while you can't be with her. Know you are not alone and feel free to pm me any time! Your daughter knows you're her mom, she just wants some snuggle time with grandma before she gets to go home and snuggle with you (at least that's how I look at it).
Lastly, they have recently released a study (not sure who "they" are, my memory left about 18 months + 9 months ago) that grandmas make the best caregivers, so know you're leaving her in the best hands possible!
Best of luck,
C.
PS. My daughter LOVES my mom, but I know she LOVES me more =O)

She will definitely "get it." Give it time. My son called my mom and I both mama when he was little, but once he figured it out, it was over. I was jealous and felt so guilty for working so much. I tried to tell myself that the more love the better. Now, we all look back on that time and laugh and talk about how cute it was that we were both mama to him.