A Little Help Please..........

Hello S.,

I am so sorry for what he said to you. You are beautiful just the way that you are. God made you who you are and he does not make junk.
I know that this is going to be very hard for you to hear, but I need to say what i think.

I know that you love him and i know that your kids love him. BUT!!
He might be saying these things to you because he no longer wants to get married. He might be saying this kind of stuff to hurt your feelings so that you will tell him to leave. He might not want to be the one to break it off with you. What about sex? If he ia talking to you like that in a fight, then how does he feel when it is time to make love?

I truly do not want to trash this guy but he is nasty for saying that to you. That was totally wrong on his part.
In his right mind I do not think that he would hurt you like that so i am thinking that he has something bigger bothering him and that he does not want to tell you. "like he wants out." Because he said that he wants to be happy. Then that means that he is not happy right now if he said that!!

If I was you, there is NO WAY i would stay with him. I know that it will be hard on you and the kids but the LORD has great plans for you and your kids and he already knows who he wants you to marry and this guy is not it.

What i want you to do is to sit back and read what you wrote, and read it as if you were reading it for the first time and it was coming from another young mother that needed advice. Think about what you would tell her to do and that is what you need to do.

Trust your heart. Trust in the LORD with all of your heart.
This guy does not love you the way that you need him to. I do not know if you have any daughters (Imagine her as a grown up )how would you feel if some man told her that. What would you tell her to do?

I think that you already know the answer to what you should do, i think that the answer is just to hard to handle. Put the getting married part on hold and take some time to think this over. OR do what i would do, tell him to leave and as he is leaving tell him that no one is allowed to treat you like that. (I know that it is easier said than done.)

I wish you only the greatest and i will be paying for you. God Bless you and your kids.

From one mother to another.

Dear S.,

First of all, how committed is this engagement? Is it just because you are living together or are your two beautiful girls his? Men, people really, are selfish by nature. But love overcomes that. My husband doesn't tell me I'm beautiful all the time, but I know he thinks it. BUT he's proven it over the years. I've put a few pounds on since we got married. BUT WE ALL DO! Is he the picture of fitness?

If there is a vested interested in this relationship,(i.e. he's your children's father), then you need to have some serious communication with him over this. I mean serious! What if you walked outside and got run over by a bus and maimed? Would he leave you? I've known men who have left for less.

If his goal is to be happy, I wish him luck! That is a terribly selfish statement. He should have said, "I just want you to be happy."

If there is no vested interest then you need to rethink this relationship. EVERYONE deserves to be loved. We don't always get what we want but we should at least be smart going in! Marriage is too hard when there IS a lot of love and respect. Don't sell yourself short!

God bless! and look after those girls!

M.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news... but I would not marry this person. His attitude is really not about you, it is something within him and it has nothing to do with an extra 20 pounds. Believe me. This will not get better with marriage but will get worse. You have 2 daughters to protect also. No one can MAKE another person happy, one can only add to someone's happiness. You need to really think about your relationship and I would HIGHLY recommend pre-marriage counseling before you tie the knot. I was in a similiar situation but did not have children. I am so happy that I did not marry that person! Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers! I am now married to the love of my life and know how wonderful a good realtionship and marriage can be. We will be married 5 years in April and have our fist child who just turned 1. Life could not be better. Just really think about your situation and seek PRE-marriage counseling for sure! Good luck to you!

Wow- you do have your hands full don't you?
Based on just what you said in your request, I think there are more issues, deeper issues, than your weight gain that is getting between you and your fiance.
I read something that I find so typical in relationship: Women go into them thinking that they can change the man, and men go into them thinking the woman never will change.
Anyways, we as women need to accept who are men are (or move on) and they need to accept that will will get older and not look liek teenagers forever.
First of all, it is UNACCEPTABLE in my opinion that he even bring up your weight gain(at least in the way he has). 15-20 pounds, though noticeable, is not life-threatening. Any of us that has gained that much weight, already knows about it, usually wants to do something about it, and is either too busy, too depressed, or just not ready to deal with it. But it is a personal thing. And your fiance out of all people should be giving you positive support and not negative. How about taking the kids off your hands for awhile so you can actually spend some time on yourself? Weight gain is a combination of multiple things and I bet yours has to do with putting your family first and probably planning your wedding, working, and not taking any time out for yourself. It's much easier to take care of everyone else and ignore ourselves. It much easier to eat fast food and not exercise especially when we have so many other things and people relying on us.
So first of all, sit down with him in a calm environment (don't bring it up in a fight) and tell him how you feel. IF your weight is something that you genuinely want to work on, tell him you need his support and not criticism to help you out. If it is something you are fine with or want to deal with later, tell him this too and that he needs to get over it. just by the shear fact that he is a man, he may not even realize how bad he is making you feel about it (which of course, makes things worse and not better!)
Anyways, now is the time though to talk this out--BEFORE you get married. The person you marry should be your rock, your best friend, your inspiration--and not your source of self-esteem issues!

let me give you my thoughts....

it's his problem not your's. i know the feeling of gaining weight and kids, and such. i used to wear a size 9. today i wear a 20. my husband says absolutely nothing about my weight.

personally - i would tell him to take a flying leap and go find someone who can love you for you the way you are - not the way he wants you to be. and yes, i think you have a valid concern with the idea of him cheating. again - i would tell him so long darlin', it's been something and then i would go find someone worthy of me.....

It soounds to me as though your fiance is the one with the serious issue, not you. If he truly loves you for you, then a few extra pounds, while it may not be his ideal, shouldn't cause him to give you so much grief. Have you tried to talk with him and tell him how much his constant reminders of your weight gain hurt you? Perhaps he has other issues going on that he is not voicing and the weight gain issue is what he choses to use instead. Good luck with everything. A few extra pounds or not, you are still the same person he fell in love with.

hello, my names T.,have you told him how this makes you feel when he talks about your weight? maybe if you talked to him about it maybe he would stop saying things about it. i know i dont know about your situation but i do know someone that does. God knows what your going through and i believe if you and your financeis will put God first then everthing will work out . also about marriage it is a lifetime commitment that you both will make infront of God and God expects you to stay married once your married.you need to sit back and look at all the good and bad things and honstly ask you r self is this the person i really want to spend the rest fo my life with . and ask yourself do you really love him and do you really think he loves you. and can you live with his shortcomeings and how does he treat the kids. i belive i would look for a church that can offer you both cousling on getting married and you r problems that your haveing. just cause you marry someone doesnt mean they will change. a women can not change a man know more than a man can change a women. and if you are takeing this from him know what makes you thank that he will stop be insensiteve to your feeling s once you r married. if theres any advice i can give it would be to find a church that belives that christ died and rose again and that belives in the holy spirit . find a chruch were when you walk in you can feel gods holy presances there. i trully believe that if both of you get into church and give your life over to him . he will see you both through what ever the enemy comes at you with. please seek some counsling from a chrisitian chuch counslor even if his not welling to go , go for your self and your kids. i hope this helps. God Bless. i will keep you in my prayers.

I think your weight isn't the main issue with him. I think he is trying to use that as an excuse. If you are fighting over other things then it leads into that, that's a cover up for him. You need to lose weight because YOU want to and not for him. Now if your very overweight you should try and lose some for your children. Being over weight can lead to major health problems. I know I lost over 100 pounds and what a differece it made in my health. I got to play with my kids and could do alot more. I am a 12-14 right now, I use to be a 24-26. I really think you to talk to him about your relationship and find out what the real problem is. Good luck!!!!!

You might want to seriously consider if this is the man you want to marry. I hate to say that outright since I don't know you, but marriage is for life and you need to take each other as you are and as you change. It will be a long life if you constantly have to worry about being a size 6 the whole time. My husband would NEVER bring up my weight and when I do, he says that I'm crazy and that I'm beautiful. I understand how not living paycheck to paycheck would make him happy, it would make me happy too! But to lump your weight under the "happy" catagory is very troublesome to me. Maybe you will get some better feedback from the other gals.

S.... I am very sorry to hear that he would speak to you that way. I agree with the above responses... this is not acceptable in my book. There must be something deeper going on in his head...and you must find out before you really do make the commitment to marry him. You not only have yourself to look out for but also those two beautiful girls!

Hi S.,

I hate to be the one to say this out loud but men are visual creatures and if you want to keep him around, you should do everything in your power to lose the weight. My last marraige the same thing happened, I was put on some medication which caused me to gain 40lbs. My husband lost total interest in me although he never made any comments about me losing weight or being unattractive. He just ended up cheating on me! When I gained knowledge of his affair, I stopped the medication and started dieting and took the weight off over a three month period and actually ended up 5lbs thinner than before. All of the sudden he started getting interested in me again but I was obviously not interested in him anymore!!! He cheated so I started cheating and we ended up filing for a divorce a few short months later. I only tell you this to prepare you, men will and do cheat if they are unhappy and unsatisfied, the question you have to ask yourself, is do you even want to be with a man that is so superficial? Put more value on you and you'll find that your worth more than what this guy has to offer.

put the wedding on HOLD!!!! If you are fighting now what will it be like if you were married.? As a very dear man said to me as we were walking down the aisle: If you are not 100% sure, lets turn around and leave!! He also said this to my 2 sisters
Due to medication for a transplant I gained over 100 pounds.I asked my husband , how much can I gain before you want a new wife? He said he had no limit, but 260 pounds is one thing 260 tons is another. "I don't care what you weigh, I love all of you.

I would say the first step is to tell him how you feel about what he says. Dont bring it up during an argument when he brings up your weight, go to him, privately, and talk to him. If he does it again, tell him hey we talked about this. And then do something. My mother went through that for years, never good. If he isnt willing to help you or support you...or love you through hard times...then you might have to rethink things. He should never talk to you like that, ever. Everyone has stress and everyone argues but its the how and why that make the difference.

S....big hugs sent your way...

I weighed about 180 pounds before I got pregnant with my fifth child. I am now pushing a bit over 190 pounds.

It is healthy for you to shed those pounds. Being someone who has been on both sides of the fence of being skinny and flat out being obese. I can tell/feel the difference between not having to carry the extra weight and having to.

Don't be insecure about how your body looks. Even with that extra weight it can still be sexy.

When my current husband started that mumbo jumbo with me I flat out told him Love me the way I am or hit the trail. Of course, he became a wise man and never said another word to me about the extra weight.

Take it from someone who knows the body won't be the same after you have had children. Unless you are one of those really lucky women whose belly practically goes back to it's prepregnancy size or have the expendable time to go to a gym (Which I don't have either one).

You are right to feel the way you do about having two full time jobs. I once read and saw a segment on a news show that raising a child is equivalent to having two full time jobs

As far as Love it is an unconditional emotion. With love you must take the good bad and the ugly along with it.

Financial situations always inflate other issues. I've been with my husband for a little over seven years now we too are having our financials troubles and trust me when I say financial problems are a nationwide issue for everyone. Finding your way through them is the challenge.

If your man truly loves you...he will love you unconditionally regardless of the extra 15-20 pounds. From a health stand point it would be a good idea to shed them.

Your comment about whether or not he is being faithful...what does your gut instinct say to you?

Insecurities can also contribute to feelings such as the ones you are having.

Instead of consuming all of these fears and worries by yourself, take that man of yours aside and have a serious heart to heart chitchat with him. You're never going to know unless you ask

If it were I, I'd flat out ask him and get a feel for where he stands on the love issue and faithfulness, but that is just me.

We all want to be happy. As with any relationship it is going to take work to achieve this.

You might not have serious problems yet. If you don’t take care of the small problems then they can escalate into much bigger ones.

Best of luck to you,
D.

I totally understand what you are going through. it is so hard to divide your time in the situation that you are in. Please let me assure you, while this is an adjustmant period, your fiance loves you and he will love the size that you are now as a result of your situation...and he will love your size even more when it all evens out.....and it will.

What We put out is what we get back.
So if we are putting out thoughts of lack of confidence that is what you will attract.
You need to be confident with yourself and put out positive thoughts and that is what you will attract back.
I am a positive lifestlye coach and counselor for 7 years.
If You want to talk more please email me at.
____@____.com
God Bless
G.

S.,
It sounds like he may have the problem, and may be trying to rationalize his unhappiness as it being due to your weight. Are there other "red flags" that make you think he might become "unfaithful" to you? I think you need to listen to your inner voice and confront him on whether he is having second thoughts about marriage. Or, if he just wants you to look your best, ask him to help you in a fitness regime so that he is invested with you. However, true love is more than just the physical representation. He fell in love with you for a reason!

You are NOT, I repeat NOT, overreacting! Any man who bases love on a number, like your weight, is manipulating you and the fact that you feel bad about it already is proof that you are losing yourself. If you are already worried about him being unfaithful b/c you gained 15 lbs., you SHOULD NOT marry this man. What is the world is going to happen if and when you're big pregnant with HIS child? is he going to run around having his fun while you are sitting home with two kids, big feet and swollen out of your mind and then do the same while you are recuperating from surgery/pregnancy? Unacceptable. Completely and totally unacceptable. Yes, you have a problem and it's HIM, not you! get out now. Please, girl, take care of you. The fact that you wrote tells me that you know in your heart his is wrong!

Write me personally if you wish, I really believe you need to take a time out with this guy.

All the best, please listen,
K.

First of all in my opinion you should not marry him.
Seek pre-marital counseling and find out what all the real issues are. Yes, men are visual creaures, but if he loves you, he loves you no matter what (again, just my opinion). I feel this will be a major issue the rest of your time together. The reason I say this is from experience.
I got married in 1992 and in 1995 we had our first child, I was in no means overweight after I had her and fit back into my regular clothes almost immediatly. He would make comments like, when are you going to lose the baby weight etc. I also knew before I married him all his other girls friend had been thin and the one he went out with like once (was not fat) but bigger then the others and I. So all of this made me very self-consious. About a year after I had our first I lost so much weight (not on purpose) and then he would make comments that I looked anorexic. I felt like it was a no win situation. And for years we have had many issues. I had never been self-concious about my weight as I had always been thin. Just the issues with sex and feeling attractive have been really hard on me. We have been to counseling and all and he tells me he loves me and that I am beautiful, but that is still in the back of my mind now.
To get to the point, I am still married to this man and we have 6 kids together. I just had our 6th in April of 07 and after I was a little more then I had been after the previous baby but not too much. I have in the last several (tramatic months gained at least 20 lbs) we are talking 2-3 months. This may be health related so I am going to go to the dr.s about it.
What if you can't lose the weight for health reasons etc? What should your fiance leave you? Not if he really loves you. But, no matter what I believe this will cause problems with things later on...in my opinion. It did with us and even though he has gone to counselling and tells me he loves me all the time and tells me I 'm beautiful etc...I still have issues. I guess I feel I know what he thinks deep down inside. I do want to lose the weight for myself (for health reasons and to look better). Within like 2 months I had to buy new clothes. My dr. feels it could be stress and depression etc...but we are going to do bloodwork. I hope this helps and you understand what I am trying to say.

so i thought id add my opinion as well into this... If he doesn't like the way you look now what about 20-30-40 years from now? Beauty is on the inside... if you have a husband by your side and takes care of you and treats you right you wouldnt be gaining youd be happy! You knoe something it's funny ive been thinking about this but... do you see Muslim women why they're covered? The more i learn the more sense it makes. they cover becasue their beauty is only for their husband no no one else gets to see them, having said that their husbands don't compare them to anyone else. Also another point is the husband suppose to provide for the family you should be at home taking care of the girl he should jut make you happy and bring home the money that's what a husband is suppose to do not complain! Your girl watch everything you do.. when they grow up do you want them to worry about their image..do you want them them unhappy when they see you unhappy!? tell your friend there he needs to grow up and start supporting you and make you happy...becasue if your not happy you'll keep gaining and thats just the truth! If you want to know how a women SHOULD be treated truly read the Quran im 1000% sure you'll find what your looking for! Just give it a try! hope everything works out great!

Dear S.,
I believe you're right to be concerned about your fiance's attitude - it represents a lack of sensitivity to your feelings, and it would be helpful if you and he could find another way to talk about it than his criticism of you. That's not constructive, and it hurts.

If you want to be more fit, decide what you need to do to achieve your goals and then try to get his help accomplishing them (do you need time every day to walk, run, or get another form of exercise? Do you need to buy receive some positive comments for your efforts, etc.?) If he really cares about you, he'll be more concerned with the hurt he's caused you than anything else.

It sounds like he's unhappy about several issues, and your weight is a convenient thing to talk about. If you guys could talk constructively about the other issues, too - like finances - and come up with a plan for managing them, he may relax and feel less critical.

Sending blessings!
M.

My advice is yeah you do have serious problems. I would definately not get married until it is settled. If he doesn't love you or appreciate you when you are a little overweight then how will he be when you are 50-60 years old. I have seen this before and most of the husbands leave their wives for younger women when they get older. I would first confront him. Tell him how you feel. See if he isn;t just concerned about your health or whether he really doesn't like the way you look. I was a size 1 when I met my husband and married. I am now a size 14, due to infertility drugs and now becuase of working and 2 little ones. My husband has never said anything like that. He always says I am beautiful. The person you marry needs to love the inner you not the external you becuase that will defiantely fade. I know this his hard because you love him but you need to find out what he loves about you otherwise it will end in divorce down the road anyways. I wish you the best and stay strong because we are all beautiful no matter what even a little heavier.

Girl, I am going to put it out there, move on!!! I have been involved with a man just like that for 10 years and it doesn't get any better, sorry to be so blunt. You are who you are, and if you have any faith at all pray about it, only God himself knows what's instore for you. Best Wishes

Honey I don't know why you are fretting over 20 pounds, I am 5'4" I weigh 125lbs and wear a size 7-8 and I am not fat. I still look good in a swimsuit even though i'm not my skinny 110lbs that I used to be in my early 20's. If you PERSONALLY are not comfortable with the way you look that is one thing, but if your fiance trully loves you he should be willing to overlook a few added pounds. My husband often will get stressed out and start "venting" and when the vent opens everything that has him concerned comes out. He'll go from complaining about our money situation to complaining about the way I keep house(he's a clean freak). I don't know how old your girls are but if they are school age, while they are at school, go out and start walking when you can walk a mile without getting winded then advance it to running. Instead of driving somewhere for lunch while you are at work , walk there. When I was working I would occasionally just eat a powerbar for lunch and spend my lunch hour walking the parking lot of my work. Start using things around the house to help build muscle strength. You have a living room floor use it as your own personal workout space when no one is around, crunches and situps leg lifts. You can also look into buying or renting some martial art dvd's like Tai Chi or Chi Kung and start training in that. Not only is it a good stress reliever, and a good work out it's also a good way to learn self defense. If you would like to be able to chat on a more "face to face" basis send me a personal message and I will give you my yahoo user Id and we can chat on Yahoo messenger. Remember Men need to vent too, and they are worse about holding it all in until it gets to a critical level. Sometimes you have to just let it in one ear and out the other.-Tracy

Hi S.,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your fiance is a little insensitive. Maybe you two should seek out premarital counseling. Get these issues ironed out before you walk down the aisle. Seriously.

Every couple has their ups and downs, your fiance could really be the one for you and he may simply be frustrated and inadvertantly taking it out on you. How does he feel about himself? He might be having some issues with himself and ending up projecting them on you.

A great book is "Lies at the Altar" by Robin L. Smith. (this lady is always on Oprah). She gives excellent advice, and she herself is divorced, which to me makes this book even more insightful. Check and see if it is available at your local library. My husband got worried when he saw me reading it :-).
Even if your husband-to-be sees you reading it, it would at least be grounds for a conversation to start.

Please check out the book!

A basic rule that I recall her saying in the book is that, the person you are with now, is going to be same person at the altar. If you argue 90% of time now, you are going to argue 90% after the altar. People do not generally change, at its core jerks stay jerks, kind people stay kind. People make promises because they are drunk with love. Til death do us part does not really mean anything nowadays except to a select few that really take their vows to heart.

One of my coworkers was recently remarried at the age of 55+. She is a devout Christian woman and stayed in a doomed married for over 30 years. She said she prayed everyday, she did not believe in divorce, she took her vows seriously. Finally she prayed really hard, consulted her pastor and mustered up the strength to get a divorce and finally became happy. Another man came into her life and they dated for years, he proposed to her numerous times and she declined, she didn't want to marry again. But finally she said yes, and is blissfully happy.

You should be at your happiest around the people you love and who love you the most. Why have complete strangers treat you better then your own spouse? you know?

Sorry off the soapbox now. ;-)

Good Luck and please update us!

HTHs

How old are your girls? If they can walk, you can make some time and take them out for a walk. It doesn't have to be a long walk but if you make time everyday to go for a walk with them, not only are you teaching them to exercise (which is good for them anyway), but you'll be doing it yourself. It will make your relationship with the girls stronger.

Once your man sees that you are trying perhaps he will open up about the real reason why he's being a d$&k.

the only advice i would like to say. is he should accept you the way you are. and if you are fighting over other things that lead into weight there is most likely somehting else going on. my first husband we would be going down the street and eh would say how come you don't look like that. we divorce and he remarried to soemone even bigger than me K.

S.,

Please step back and take another look at your relationship. It sounds like there is some problems, his concern for financial situation and not loving you for who you are. I recommend some counseling before going any further with this relationship. Also, 15-20lbs may be more than you want to have added, but you are the one that needs to be happy dissatisfined with the extra weight. I know I am a stress eater and find myself eating when stressed out.

Good Luck

I'm not sure if I have any advice for you. I can only share my experience. My ex was constantly nagging me about loosing weight. I had 4 children with him in 5 1/2 years. He gave me no help and I didn't eat right at all. My weight climbed and he never let me forget it. We divorced after 10 years and in those 10 years I'd put on about 6o lbs. He had put on more than that, but I never said anything about his weight.

My husband now never says anything about my weight. When I say I'm fat, he says I'm beautiful. I've put on about 30 lbs since marrying him.

When I loose weight, it will be for me. And I will loose it eventually, but with the house and the kids it's not easy.

You have my sympathies.

S. girl let me tell you a little something,i just read this to my husband and is so upset that your fiance is upset with you about gaining weight,you have two beautiful girls and you had to go through 9 months of hell,mood changes,body changes ect...,and in your case 18 months.my husband feels your fiance should look at your body and thank you for putting your body through what you did,and love every inch that grew while you were creating another life in side you.And for he financial problems tell him you have two full time jobs so can he.i know what you go through with all the resonsiblitys you have with trying to take care of two girls,i have 3 boys and a little girl.my oldest is 5,then 4 ,then 3,then my 1 year old girl. hope this helps,J.

There are very few women who are actually a size 3. Even less who have children. I don't know your bone structure, but even a size 6 is really small. Be realistic about the people around you. Just because you see a rare few who are in good shape doesn't make you less beautiful just how you are. If those girls see a mommy who hates how she looks, they will end up hating how they look because you have passed on some similarities to them. Be careful of that. Every time you say something critical of yourself look at those girls and see what you have created and be proud. The average size for American women are 14-18. If you want to be in better shape, that's a reasonable goal... not a different size or weight.
As for him... he's got serious issues that will get worse if you go through with the marriage before it gets worked out. Don't be another divorce statistic. Do the hard work before you say vows and work out the problems now. You two really need pre-marital counseling. Don't wait for things to get worse before seeking help. I wish you luck and hope that you are able to find some happiness within yourself!