A Grandmother and Mother Who Can't Stop Babying a 6 Year Old Child.

S.,
I agree with Lynn!!!! She is just your step-daughter. Her mother can do what she wants to. I think your a little jealous because she is getting alot more attention then you want her to have. Going into blended familys is aways hard. It kinda sounds as if you don't want her there. This is a 6 year old child. It's not fair for you to tell your step-daughter to tell her grandmother these things. If you want her to know something then you tell her. You should never send a child to go back & forth. If you are going to be marring her father then you need to stop calling her your step-daughter and start referring to her as YOUR daughter. I really think you should think about all of this before you get married and start making demands. His child should always come FIRST. You need to remember she didn't ask for this. I also think you all need to see someone who can help you with this issue & others that may follow as a blended family. As for you thinking his mother spends more time with her, I think that's probably not the way it is. I think you only want to see it that way or maybe his mother sees your anger towards the child and is making up for it. Like I said before I really agree with Lynn. I'm sorry if you get upset by my advice.

I agree with all of the responses. Marrying a father is the hardest thing I ever did. It did not work out for me. My two cents is this:

Take it slowly and maybe even seek some couple's counsiling before you get married. I have to tell you the drama will not end. This issue may get solved, but there will always be something. Discipline, school work... The possibilities of conflict are endless. But it is how you deal with the problems that will matter. Take a deep breath, try to get past any resentment and take a good look at the situation (what ever it may be)and ask yourself what is best for this child (not for you).

It is so hard and I'll keep you in my prayers. Let the mother be. Let her baby her baby. As for the Grandmother, the child will be okay. She'll tell her Grandma when she's ready to be a big girl.

You ned to decide if you can deal with this, because it's probably not going to change. Ever. It may get worse. Steps are hard; blended is even harder. I know it sounds negative, but it's realistic. Expect the best; prepare for the worst.

Here is a link to a forum where you can discuss these things with other Smoms. Just going to these sites and reading, seeing that it's not just me, helps me when I think I can't deal:

http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/

There's a thread a few pages back in the General Smoms Board that's titled "Before you marry a man with kids..." It's all the things that women wished someone had told them. One message in the thread posted this list:

2. Unrealistic expectations of a stepfamily.

Belief that a stepfamily will be immediately loving: the instant family myth.
Belief that stepchildren will love you.
Belief that the stepchildren will respect and/or obey you.
Belief that a stepfamily will be like a nuclear family.
Belief that the biological parent, your spouse, will support you in ways that are not happening.
Belief that the biological parent, your spouse, will see your side.
Belief that the biological parent, your spouse, will intuitively know what you want--that he/she can mindread.
Belief that the stepchildren will be fair to you.
Belief that the stepchildren can think like adults.
Belief that the biological parent, your spouse, will want to function as a team.

Dear S.,

I kinda have the same problem w/ my children's grandmother and basically i had to get to the point that I had to say look......... this is how it goes and if you don't like it to bad. I might get to the point that the only time your step daughter can go to grandmas is when u r there for a visit. I know you "need" her to babysit so your son can do karate, but take them with you, find another sitter. I know it seems hard and harsh but YOU are the mom not grandma. It's time to put your foot down and ask your soon to be hubby to back you up. Trust me I have been there. Good luck!

ok- your step-daughter is most likely your mother-in-laws first true grand baby. that is a very special thing for a grandma, so let her spoil her. If it is causing a problem with your 2 (notice NOT with you) then talk to her about maybe trying to be a little more equal. Your MIL will probably never treat your kids and your step-daughter the exact same, but don't bring an issue to it. If you don't, the kids most likely won't. If your step-daughter is complaining or feeling weird about being bathed, then YOU can tell your MIL that she is feeling alittle more mature and would rather have that time to herself. I have had to do that with my kids and my parents about the baths. But I was calm, and my parents aren't out to do anything to hurt and kids or make them feel uncomfortable so it was ok. But I had to speak for my children. Also that age some kids don't do a good bathing themselves, so IF your step-daughter WANTS to bathe herself but doesn't do a good enough job, then you can tell her, 'if you don't get clean then I'll have to bathe you.'
As for the mother- let her baby her baby.
If you are constantly on everyones case about babying your step-daughter then they may take it out on you (or your kids). ie: not liking, not treating equal-to a point, etc.

I've been married for 36 years, and if I could do things over again, I'D have MOVED before the situation got so out-of-hand!!! It would have been so nice to have a close relationship with them, but my in-laws just about took over our lives...dropped in unexpectedly or telephoned at all hours of the day and night and completely sabotaged any authority I took. I finally kicked their rear-ends out of our house (when my mother-in-law told my children they did not have to obey me (in our own house). My husband, finally fed up and disgusted with the continual inteference, intrusion and manipulation, backed me up!! They are allowed to see the kids only with his supervision until they are old enough to realize that they can't believe everything they hear from their grandmother. Our marriage has drastically improved; this scenario would not have taken place if we had not lived in such close proxmity that they could continually try to break up our family.

I hope I don't offend you by sharing my opinion. I mean this in a nice way. It's just hard to express it that way across the internet. But, here goes. I personally don't think you can do anything about what her mom does at her home. It's her home and her daughter. When she has her daughter over, she shouldn't have to go by your opinions of whether she's babying her or not. And, maybe she is. But, it might be because she doesn't see her as often. It sounds like the two of you have different parenting styles and you can't force yours on her in her home.

As far as the grandma, it might be a grandma thing. My mil likes to baby my kids and I can deal with it until she starts talking in the baby voice. It's like nails down a chalkboard. Lucky for me it gets on my dh's nerves too so he immediately tells her to stop : ) If the bath thing is the only thing bothering you, I say ignore it. Or tell her you'll bath them when they get home. Maybe it's grandma's way of showing her she loves her.

My kids have times where they think they can get away with more with a grandparent is around. It's like they think they have somebody on their side. I've pulled my dd aside before to let her know that it will not be tolerated. I do not put any blame on the grandparents. I put that on my dd. Now all I have to do is give her "the look" and she backs off, lol.

I think it's probably going to be tough for awhile as you all adjust to the new family situation. I also think these problems are common when it comes to step-children and step-parents. You have different parenting styles, grandparents adjusting to grandchildren that are not biological, etc. It just takes time. And you have to choose your battles. I'd sit back and think of later down the road, is any of this really going to matter? Pretty soon she won't want to sleep with mom anymore and especialy won't want grandma washing and dressing her. Good luck!