A Friend Making a "Bad" Choice

If you are really her friend you will tell her the truth in the nicest manner that you can come up with. People do these kinds of things because they seem exciting. It’s the taking chances that drive them I suppose. You may want to rethink your friendship with her. With her as your close friend this man is likely to be apart of yours and your families lives as well. She may not care that her life is heading down a potentially destructive path, but do you want to be so close to that kind of drama and heartache?

if you cant tell your friend the truth then you're not being a good friend......i pretended to be happy for my best childhood friend, but at her wedding everyone was taking bets on how long the marriage would last........2 years later, after the divorce, she found out about the bets & was upset that no one told her how much of a mistake the marriage was.....she begged me to always be upfront with her & truthful, even if the truth hurts......

I think if you really love your friend you will somehow find a way to tell her about your concerns...do it with love and from your heart. This guy has MAJOR warning signals flashing all around him that for some reason she just can't see! Know that you are doing it with good intentions so if she takes it the wrong way you won't beat yourself up about it. I think this is a risk you have to take. Have a quiet chat with her over coffee some day. Perhaps there are other friends or family members who have the same concerns and you can speak to her with one of them. Would you want a dear friend to say something to you if you were about to put your life on a crash course? If so, how would you want them to approach you? Best wishes. I hope she sees the light.

You really can't say anything. Sounds like this woman is bound to learn the hard way. Why would she want a man like this around her kids? And WHY would she need a 5th child? Start biting your tongue...you're gonna loose her as a friend if you say anything.

Please don't pretend excitement or happiness for her. Tell her honestly in a caring way why you are not excited and happy for her. Ask her some direct questions about her goals and what she wants for herself and her children and then ask her if marriage to this man will give her those things. Then ask her how she knows that the marriage will give her what she wants as well as what she needs.

This is the sort of conversation that will need to be had over time. Many people do not have goals nor do they know what they need. It takes time to think them thru. Perhaps she isn't mature enough to want to consider goals and needs. If she doesn't want to do this exercise you'll just have to let her go to make her mistake. But that doesn't mean you need to act as if you're happy and excited about her choice.

You can be her friend and stand beside her without agreeing with her choices. Honesty is always the best policy. If you're fake about this she may sense it. Even if she seems unaware you'll know you're dishonest. That sort of action causes stress in a relationship.

So, talk with her in a kind way as long as she's willing to listen. If she doesn't want to hear it back off but remain true to yourself. You're a better friend when you're own best friend.

I'm concerned about her children. Forming a step family takes alot of sensitivity and work by the parents. She has at least one teen and in general teens are having enough difficulty adjusting to being a teen that a step-parent has a difficult time with them. And a new baby before they've built their own relationship spells disaster. Has she considered any of this?

If she's a reader and willing to learn there are many good books about relationships that could help her make a better decision.

From your description she sounds very immature and focused more on her immediate happiness than on long term goals. It also sounds like she's not considering the welfare of her children. If this is the case you probably will not be able to have a good discussion about her choice.

In that case, I'd approach talking with her by telling her that you are concerned about both her and her children and that because you love her and want the best for her you cannot be happy or excited. Then wait and see what her response is. If it's denial or anger I'd not try to talk anymore with her.

The mother who suggested that remaining involved in her life could create chaos and drama that will disrupt your own family is asking a good question. Consider how this friendship affects your life and decide if remaining in her life is good for you and your family. You can remain willing to be her friend without taking part in her drama. This could mean not being involved in her wedding plans and spending very little time with her. Remember that your happiness and the happiness of your family should be your top priority.