A - Meigs,GA

All kids go through phases of feeling rejected or unlovable. Some kids go through phases of just not wanting to be touched that much - sometimes it's a sensory thing (especially in SN kids), sometimes it's the start of independence and feeling more grown up, sometimes they're just ticked off that they can't watch TV).

It's unclear what was said by your ex and his wife. Maybe they said what your 8 year old claims which is awful and inexcusable. But, maybe they didn't. Kids sometimes get confused. Or they extrapolate from a stepparent saying, "I bought this XBox for you because I love you." Then maybe the kid realizes Mom won't buy it, so that means Mom doesn't love him. And sometimes kids who go from home to home just say stuff to get a rise out of one parent.

I think you can't expect kids to understand adult feelings. All you can do is probe more about "What makes you say that? What are some ways that parents show love to kids?" If you continue to have problems, consider some family counseling so that you and your ex can co-parent effectively without competing or selling out the other's values.

My SD is spec needs, moderately retarded to be exact. Her mom told her lies about us all the time and the tricky thing is, because mentally she is 3-5 years old, most of the time she believes it. And SN kids are easy to manipulate sometimes so that doesn't help. So when we had her, we had to counter everything negative her mom said when she had her. It's not much different than typical kids going to 2 houses. When you get her back you tell her over and over that you love her and that even if someone tells her that you don't, she knows the TRUTH and you will remind her over and over so she doesn't forget. I swear, some ex's and step parents are just awful. Good luck.

I wouldn't worry about it. For your 12 year old, just continue to love on h as you have been. Don't argue with her.

For your son, simply say, "What do you think?" I'll bet that he knows very well that you love him and his sister very much. Nothing your idiot ex says is going to change what they know. Kids are pretty perceptive.

Since she is "special needs" I think it would be a good idea to go over this with whoever's professional care she is under, doctor? therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist? special teacher?
Not knowing her specific diagnosis makes it hard for us to give advice.

i would get with the custody lawyer and tell these people that if it continues then visitation will have to be changed.. they are creating a toxic environment for your sn child and you want things to be better for the sake of the child.

She is 12 and going through a lot of changes. She may have learned at school that we don't say I love you to moms and dads anymore because they are big kids. Just like we don't give front hugs in middle school or high school, we do side hugs to keep the touching at bay. I would ask her teachers at school if this could be happening. I know I work with one 15 year old boy who wants to kiss my face and up and down my arms. I have to tell him over and over kisses are for moms and dads. So maybe she picked something up like that and is misconstruing it.

I have no idea if this is right or not, but I did want to give you a different perspective to consider.