9-Year-old Won't Clean Her Room for Anything

Well I have boys-- a 8 yer old and 6 year old--dont know if this will work with girls. My rule is I vacuum room once a week and anything left on floor is "vacuumed up" and thrown out. They tested me the first times so you must be prepared to toss what you find..even if it cost you lots$ or you know it their favorite item. Now once they hear vacuum coming their hands get to working...room is clean at least for 2 days out of 7.

You have to be more firm with her. Take EVERYTHING away that is fun. She should not even watch T.V. after her homework, as that is a reward. No dinner...NOTHING. She has to understand you mean business. Her room should be bare of EVERYTHING until she does what is required of her. You cannot budge on this issue as it will spin even more out of control until you get the results you desire. Parents need to understand they are not being bad parents by taking away things from their kids to get desired results. They have things because you work hard for them and they should understand the value of each and every toy, play station, and doll. You should not feel bad about this. You are the parent, she is the child.

I have two boys 15 months apart ages 9 and 7. They wont ever clean their room either.

I have done everything, I have thrown away toys (literly), sold them, and kept the money.

I have busted their butts, I have made them live in a room with NOTHING but beds, books and dresser. For 5 months. They dont care.

nothing works for very long.
So I have started giving them a time limit. IF they dont have their room clean in that time I make them come and clean MY house. The entire thing. they have to sweep, mop, dust, and do ALL the laundry. washing, hanging, folding and putting up. Then they have to clean their room.

This lasts the longest. about a month, and then they have to do it again.

I get about a month of peace, and I get a clean house. They even pick up their own stuff out of the living room for a week after. Then I have to start on them to keep their stuff out of here again.
If they 'see' how hard you work, they respect it a little more. for a while at least. :)

When my boys, who were 16 months apart, were little and we had trouble with anything from putting you shoes away after you took them off, putting away your toys at night, to misbehaving at school... We put up a behavioral chart. You can buy these at most teacher supply stores. The child that would do these things we came up with things for him to do, he was not great at brushing his teath things like that. Any way every day that they did their "job" we gave them a gold star and at the end of the week we would total up the gold stars. We had devised a reward system. 3 gold stars pull from the treasure chest, 4 gold stars, you get to pull twice, any way you set the prizes.

Since your girls are 9 you could do the "compensation" rule. You also set up a child's name verses job you want them to do and then pay them $1.00 for every time they do that job. You pay out at the end of the week. If your daughter who is the slob is competative with her older sybling then she will want to out do her sister.

I do not know if either of these will work. Hang in there and good luck.

My boys are 23 and 22 and both keep there "spaces" clean. The older of the two was our "slob"

cp

Have you tried the gross them out approach- My mom did this to me when I was a kid and it helped a little- She actually showed me pictures of all the tiny germs and stuff that are hidden on my floor, bed, bathroom- walked around my room with a magnifying glass looking for bugs of any sort- spiders, dead fly's, an ant- anything and then showed me pictures of bed bugs- explained how we get sick and why... When the big picture was explained to me and it freaked me out a little (that and there was a big spider in the corner of my room I had never noticed because of all the stuff on my floor and it was near a pair of my favorite shoes... Yuck!) It made me realize why I needed to clean. I am still not the cleanest person in the world but I can honestly say that when people walk into my home they still tell me how nice everything looks!

I wish I had some good advice. I have a 11 year old with the same problem. I have taken away special toys, picked everthing up and put in storage for months at a time, I have restricted her from going to friends houses. And nothing has worked. I am starting to think some kids are just sloppier than others, my 13 year old keeps her room clean and my 2 year old picks up after herself without a fuss. I am lost also. But if you find what works please share.

let her do her homework,play for thirty minutes then make her clean up the mes she made,don't watch her clean ,unless she wants you too if she really cleaned up her mess let her play for a hour then cleanup than a hour and thrity minutes clean then two hours ,etc.this is what my mother made me do when I was little

Who is the head of this household, you and your husband or the 9 year old? Let her know in no uncertain terms that this is YOUR house, you pay the bills and provide everything she has, and that IT WILL stay orderly. As long as you let her be in command she will be.

I have a 14 year old son and can totally relate!! I hate even looking at his bedroom. My husband and I have made cleaning his bedroom one of his daily chores, with the full understanding that if he does not do this "chore" then he loses out on t.v. time, telephone, etc....until the work is done.

I have a 12 year old who did the same thing, nothing worked for me either, until I decided to show "tough-love". Everytime we would go out (I would plan ahead) I would tell him he could not go with us until his room is somewhat picked up (you gradually work your way up), and if it is not done by the time we are ready to leave, he would have to stay with a friend of ours for the duration of our dinner or where ever we needed to go. It was really painfull to do that, but he had to understand. It took us several weeks to do this, he now has a mess free room. Make sure you dont give any free days!!! and stick to it!!!.

Dear C.,I'm 66, I have 3 kids,(all grown of course).Notice I didn't say ADULT..just kidding.Anyway, hind sight is Always better than forsight, and I have made mistakes, and hopefully learned from some of them. I have 8 grand kids, and 4 great gr.kids, and don't get to see many of them very often at all,which may be a blessing in disguise.
It sounds to me like you may have a tiny behavioural problem with the youngest, and may take more drastic measures, that will make you suffer as well as she. What you have done so far is good, but hasn't worked. So, taking away EVERYTHING may be the only way to get through to this one. Mind you it may only make her extremely MAD, and you have to be prepared for it. Sharing a room makes it difficult. So, priveledges may be the one thing that you can take away that make a difference to the "slob". She may turn out to be a "slob" in her adult life, but I kind of doubt it. Being a twin has it's own set of "rules", and that in itself is something most of us don't have to deal with. So, I'm asking, NO, begging: You older mothers of twins out there, please give this mother some feedback. We don't want her to join the ranks of the "CRAZY MOMS", or is it too late for her? I don't think so. Us "CRAZY MOMS" are plentiful, so you'll have plenty of company if you do join us. By the way, my kids even talk to me now, and I wasn't a very good mom. Disipline was not one of my strong points, but they did pretty well with there kids, and if you only take away one thing for yourself, it's, "try to have a sense of humor about everything. Sometimes we make life too serious, and it's serious enough without us adding to it. Some things that ARE important for us, AREN'T that important for others, and there's usually a good reason why.
We just don't know it yet. LOL (I said I was crazy, didn't I?) Do take the last few lines to heart though. Be well.
Judy B.

Sit down and talk with her and let her know the importance of cleaning up her room and if she does not clean it make a list of things for her to do as chores to clean the room and have her to check them off each time that she cleans it and then set up a reward system for her!

I have a 3 yr old son that destroys everywhere he goes. And guess what, Mama's right behind him getting him to clean it up, HIMSELF. I know it sounds tedious and time consuming...BUT a few weeks of this and he'll get the picture that no playing is being done, but cleaning only..so he's actually started cleaning up after himself at 3..AND he has ADHD..so teaching him is something difficult.

Or maybe just set up a day of the week where if the house or her room is messy ask her to help you clean up...Then give her the choice to help you clean OR clean her room. Most likely she'll clean her room. If not you'll have some help cleaning...and when she's done with that then remind her that her room still needs to be cleaned. Offer her a snack before she goes on her way to clean. :)

Give her a set time to clean her room, say 2 days, if she doesn't, take everything that is cluttering her room and tell her it will not be given back until she accepts the responsiblity of keeping her room clean.jsbgran

Maybe it is time to do a bedroom makeover with new paint and fun extras. Once you complete this they will both want to keep their new and exciting room clean...for about a week. Then, when the slobbery starts to rear it ugly head, you begin to reward the 'cleanie' with a little gift for the room. Something inexpensive, like a cool throw pillow, or a throw rug. When the unclean daughter sees that being clean has its 'rewards', she will definately come around.

It sounds to me that she is asking for attention. The second of a twin. I have a set of nieces that were the same way and they lived with me for a while. Once i started to spend a little "special time" with just her just started during better. It was like she was trying to please me then. I know that it can be hard being the middle child. They feel like they have fallen in a crack and been forgotten. My younger sister was the slob of us but now that she has grown up and got her own place, she has become a neat freak. White carpet and all. I hope that it all works out soon.

Tak her things away. Then start on an incentive plan. Also, try one on one time. Maybe she's acting out and needs "special" time with mommy and daddy.

I have 16 year old twins. I have the same problem with them.The girl shares a room with her older sister. She is in ROTC and leaves her unaforms and stuff all over the floor. I go in and pick them up and then when she is suppose to where them then she dosn't have them then she gets into trouble at school because she has lost a pin or part of her unafourm for leaving the all over the place.Some times she losses them on her own and no one will help her find her stuff. Her twin Brother is learning the same thing. There is a price to pay if you don't clean your room or around his computer area.When they need some thing important for school we don't help them find it they are on there own. In our boys case he lose what is important to him His computer till it is done.It works good in our house taking what is important to them till it is done.My boy collects rocks and if they are left on the floor they become mine.

Hi C.,
How nice that
My daughter was the same way. I am a neat person (since childhood) and wanted things in order. I could never get her to keep her room tidy. Sigh, I finally decided that since I had raised her to think for herself she had a mind of her own. A strong one at that. It was her room and she was going to keep it the way she wanted. She had stuffed animals too. Plus all sorts of collections and arts and crafts. So I granted her that respect. But as long as it was under my house, I had the right to keep the door to her room closed.

And new house rules were enforced. lol For example: There were times when she found herself out of clean clothes....I only wash what got sent to the laundry....not the clothes that's on the floor.

Didn't you see the dirty clothes in my room? No how can I if the door is closed. Well why didn't you open the door? Because your room is a mess. But...but...I need clean clothes...If you feel your clothes needs cleaning then maybe your room needs it too.
Hahaha... I am having a flashback...She's a college graduate now. Still as headstrong as ever and still a messy person by my standards. lol

Anyhow C., be patient, hopefully she'll outgrow it. If not, just close the door.lol Good luck.

Let the room be the way she wants it. If her sister can't make her do her part, the natural consequence of having a messy room will be enough. Not everyone is organized and some of the brightest people are the messiest. In the big picture, it doesn't really matter. My 17 year old has always been a mess but she's a sweet, bright, intelligent person and I let her be herself.

Check out www.HouseFairy.org I bet this will do the trick.

I just went to www.housefairy.org that was posted and I wish I had heard about that a long time ago. I have a 12 year old and even though she would not believe there is a real fairy I could see it working. I am going to use the ladies advice on the video and still tell her the housefairy will come randomly and I am going to reward her with quality time treats. I am really excited about this. I can't wait to email that link to other mom I know.

K.

Take everything out of on her side of the room except one toy and her bed. If she doesn't put the one toy in its place, it goes too. Tell her she can't crose over to her sister's side and play with her toys. Good luck.

Hi C.,

I feel your pain! We have three sons and deal with this, too. I am a PARENT COACH and PROFESSIONAL ORGANIZER, so I will make some suggestions, too.

It is always good to try a positive approach when dealing with a situation, so I would suggest a few things to begin this effort. Design a plan for how you might want your daughter to deal with her room. Be specific. Then involve your daughter in finalizing the plan.

Now, with a plan in place, set aside a weekend to empty her side of the room. NOTHING goes back in that doesn't have a designated place you both can agree on. You might allow her one or two "miscellaneous" containers for the odds and ends - as long as they are contained.

Set realistic expectations for how the room will look (how often she cleans the whole area and what she does in between.) Develop a written agreement and sign it. Inspect her room regularly and praise any progress. If this doesn't work, try some of the Natural Consequence ideas you see in a few of the other Mamasource emails.

You are all welcome to email me with any specific questions around this.

Good Luck! Let me know how it works!

J. B.
Parent Coach

I don't know if this will help or not, but I have a 9 year old girl and a 3 year old girl. They share a room and it almost always looks like a tornado hit it. Mostly stuffed animals and books. Since I couldn't get help cleaning it, we put ALL stuffed animals in garbage bags and I put them away in her closet. We also made a pact to not buy any more except on very special occasions (Christmas and B-day only) and then the can only be Build-a-bear. For some reason, they take care of those. So the only ones that aren't bagged up are the Build-a-bears. Maybe in a few months I can just get rid of the garbage bags. The room has now been clean for 1 week!
Also, maybe when you buy something for the one that cleans, tell the other one that she can get one too when she starts cleaning her part up. Harsh, but maybe that's what she needs.

I second the flylady. I also think if the child is not being physically active.. i.e watching TV when they could be cleaning up their clutter.. I say no TV personally..
Also having a system in place.. if you have to write barbies on the box so be it. Having a place for every single item is great.. I actually have a book by emilie barnes, making my room special..
http://www.amazon.com/Making-Room-Special-Emilie-Barnes/d...
I was the same way.. it wasn't always motivation, but overwhelmed and over active creative mind.. I would have a look at the biggest mess making culprits and put them away in the garage. in seperate boxes.. perhaps having a one box pass, if she cleans up everything and puts it back in the box she can have the next box.. Unless of course she figures out how to tidy up.. (Grown up have a hard time organizing .. or else there wouldn't be stores like the container store.)

find out why she doesn't clean up.. (Heard MAdonna bags up all her daughters clothes and leaves out one outfit for her daughter to wear until she keeps her room clean.. making her child earn back her clothes by taking care ofher room...)

Hi C. B

Sounds like you need flylady. Go to this website and she has tips on housecleaning and also kids helping around the house and cleaning their rooms. Look for the House Fairy. She tells you how to get the kids to do things and you tell them she is coming to the house to check how they are doing and gives them rewards. I like the site because it helps me stay organized.
My boys are grown and on their own now. I would have loved to have the House Fairy when they were still home.
Good Luck

i don't know anything about your children, but i raised mine by an article that came out in readers digest a long time ago. a lady said she had two friends, one was not a slob, but just didn't clean all the time. and one kept an immaculate house. the one that didn't keep an immaculate house was the one always helping people, the one you could just at any time drop by for a cup of coffee and she'd drop everything just to visit with you, she ran errands for people who couldn't. in general she was just a very content person and loved her life, she worked at her church a lot and just plain had time for people. the one that had a clean home didn't always have time for people, you knew not to just drop in for a coke and chat. the name of the article was i'd rather eat a peanut butter sandwich and have to step over all kinds of stuff to get to her table, which wasn't going to happen, so you eat the p b sandwich usually on her coffee table or go to the 2nd lady's house for a definitely have to be invited planned out ham sandwich.
the reason i connected to this article was because i was like the first lady and my sister who lived close to me was like the second lady. she was onto her children all the time about cleanliness. now she very seldom sees her kids, and my four are the ones who steps in into the neighborhood when someone is ill or you need someone to complain too or just chat with. they're happy in themselves. they're fastidiously clean personally but 3 of them are like me, and the fourth boy married a " neat freak". they've been married 5 years, and she called me about a year ago and asked me to help her not be a neat freak. she says she can sence everybody doesn't like the idea of spending holidays at her house even tho they do love her. i know this probably wouldn't work for everyone, but all i ever wanted for my kids was for everyone to feel welcome in their house as in mine, because that's the way they were raised. and be happy in your house cause that's the way the LORD INTENDED IT TO BE.

I am a mother of 5 and my youngest is now 20 I had all of them in 6 1/2 years so I understand about messy rooms. I finally got to the point that if they did not do what I asked of them I did not do what they asked for. My kids thought it funny at first and told everyone that mom was on strike but it didn't take more than 24 hours to get my point across. If they wouldn't clean their room I did not wash any more of their clothe, wouldn't help with dishes I didn't cook and put limits on what they could make themselves pbj or ramen noodles they get tired of that real fast. You can apply it to if they want to go somewhere then they need to do what is told they get real tired of staying at home and suddenly become much more willing to help. T.

Hi yes I have 2 granddaughter that are the same way so what my daughter and I had did was take everything out of there room but their beds and dressers for about 2wk. and when the rm. wasn't clean by the end of the 2wks. we had took out the dresses and when they would have friends come over to play with their toys they had non to play with so their friends would ask why and we would tell them all about it and let me tell you that had changed the way that my youngest granddaughter got to the point that she started to keep her side of the rm. clean and even would make sure that her bed was made even before she went to school and now that I have moved she has her own rm all by herself and its all was clean she has even started to sweep and mop the floor in there and she is 9yrs.so if there is a will there is a way. Sure hope that this just might help you in some way.Good-luck with it From a Grandma that has been there before just about 6mths. ago

Something that has helped with both my little ones is making it like a game. I don't tell them its time to clean their rooms. I say, "who wants to play a game?" Then I tell them, "let's see who can clean up their room the fastest and the cleanest!" Then I set the timer for about 3-5 min. (depending on how dirty the room is) and say, "on your marks, get set, go". When the timer buzzes then the game is over. Both kids usually "win" and they get a treat. My children are 5 and 3. So they are a bit yonger then your daughters, but I think this could work for a 9 year old. Hope this helps.

My daughters are 20 and 21 now, but shared a room when they were young. I had the same situation, one was as neat as a pin and the other left a trail of stuff everywhere. I finally took a drastic measure. I gave her several chances, then went through and picked up everything off of the floor and put it in 2 big garbage bags which I then stored in the garage. Slowly, I would dole out some of the things in the bag to her and she would put them away or bag into storage they would go. It didn't take long for her to realize that if it was on the floor, it was going to disappear. When we eventually got to some of the last things in the bags, she decided she didn't want them anymore - had outgrown the toys, etc. and when we had a garage sale, I let her have a table of her own things which she sold and kept the money for.

Sharing a room and keeping it clean can be tough. One way to help solve this problem is to give the girls a day to clean or pick up the room. A chart to check off who is doing their part in keeping the room clean will help to keep tally on whose keeping up with their chores and who isn't. Maybe some sort of reward system like on the weekend a friend can stay over or a day at the park or nail spa with the one that keeps up with chores. Try and find something the 9 year old would really like to do and use that as a leverage. If all else fail let her clean the room for a week and each day try to get her to explain why she dislikes keeping her area tidy.

This is a problem in our house too. I spent the ENTIRE Christmas break cleaning (gutting) out my 10 year old daughter's room and closet. So far, she has done a fairly good job keeping things organized and straight, but this morning I walked into her closet to find the entire floor covered with clean clothes that she had tried on once and discarded. I was fuming.

Needless to say, she wanted to have a friend spend the night tonight, and when she gets home from school, I'm telling her "no friend" until every item of clothing is hung back up.

I agree -- I think some kids are just pigs by nature and don't mind living that way.

Ok, I was like your younger twin and my younger sister was like your older twin. I hated to clean my room. Not because I didnt care or was a slob (I am a bit of a perfectionist), it was because we had too much stuff.

I keep a tidy (not immaculate) house and have drop in guests always coming back for more good company and more likely than not a small gift.
(I recycle and garden so I always have little goodies)

Maybe your daughter would be more willing to clean her room if she didnt have so much stuff. Plus, if she could have a friend or two over when her room is clean, maybe she would be more willing to clean her room more often and keep it clean for longer stretches of time.

Like all children, I sometimes have to poke at mine to clean their room. When they ask if they could have company over, I always respond: Is your room clean? If their answer is yes, then my answer is usually yes.(depending on our schedule of course) If their answer is no, then my answer is no. So they learned that if they keep their room clean and their ever busy friends call them with a free afternoon, they are already set up to invite that friend over.

Hope you find something that works for your daughter,
M.

You have every right to expect the room to be clean, but sometimes parents expect their children to know what clean is without actually explaining what the parents expect.
At nine, she is still a child and still needs mom to hold her hand sometimes and guide her. So, this is what you do:
Show her where you want her to put certain things. Like, wjere do you want her to put her dirty clothes after she changes. Make it a clear concise rule.
Also, where will her books and toys go, etc. Walk her through it and show her exactly what you want her to do.
Sweeping/Vacuuming/Dusting/throwing out trash, it may help to designate a day or two or whatever you think is best that she do those type of things. A designated time is good, too. For example, my daughter comes home after school and the first thing she is to do is make sure it is clean before after school snack, tv, homework, anything. Nothing gets done until that is done first. Also, you can wake her up earlier in the morning before school to make sure she does it first.The idea is to make her get into the habit of putting things away immediately so she doesn't have to waste precious social or sleep time.
Remember, you are the parent. You make the rules. She should not have the ability to demand things from you, but, instead, she should be able to ask for a reasonable compromise and you have the choice of saying no to that too.
So, basically, show your daughter exactly what you want her to do. Make it fun, don't criticize or lose your temper. Put some music on and do it together. Cleaning doesn't have to be so bad.
Parents have to realize sometimes that they are teachers and kids learn by what they see. So make sure that you also follow your own example.
And if after all that she is still being stubborn about cleaning her room or doing her chores, then you need to do more that take away toys. That only works with toddlers for the most part. You need to take away friend time, phone, internet, tv. Even extracurriculars that she loves if it comes to that. What you are asking for is not hard and not too much. She will eventually cave in. But taking away toys at her age....well let me put it this way, she still has her mind and daydreams to escape.
Hope this helps!

If she won't clean her room, take away everything, bag it up in a trashbag, and take it to the attic/garage. Leave nothing but bland linens on the bed. Give her 2-3 outfits in the closet, one pair of shoes,...minimize to the extreme. When she begins to see the light, bring things back in slowly. If she returns to her old habits, remove everything again. If she still trashes the room with what little she has, take her out of the room. She may sleep on a palet on the floor in another room. Her sister will still have the privlege of being in a bedroom because she takes care of it. Make sure you are modeling for her. It is one thing to tell her to clean her space, and then have a messy space of your own.
Good luck.

Hi, i'm a grandmother of 10 year old twin girls. We often have wall to wall barbies and various toys. I have found that when things are really messy, they seem to be a bit overwhelmed themselves, when cleaning up. I help a bit and provide see thru containers for orginazation. When they know exactly what to do with everything, it seems to help. It's like we are, the more the chaos, the more we don't want to clean up, or know where to put it all. Hope this helps you.

When I was growing up #7 of 8 children, we were taught to pick up after ourselves or our privileges were taken away along with that we got a spanking on the buttox. I don't think that any of that type of discipline ever hurt me, but made me a better person today as a 56 yr old mother of 3 adult children and 1 grand child. That type of discipline hurt for a few minutes, but I want you to know I tried my best not to rebel again. Since taking away has not worked with your child, you may consider a spanking on the buttox. It may hurt their pride, but I don't think it will damage them. A parent that disciplines their children loves their children.

Tell her that if she doesn't clean her room( and keep it clean)this weeekend, then you will do it for her. If she doesn't then you do it. You get huge trash bags and throw EVERYTHING away(You can keep her things she likes . but don't tell her. She has to earn them back)The only things left in her room will be furniture(which in extreme discipline measures will / can be removed ,too). If you do clean her room, do it when she's at school.

The other option is clean it and reorganize herroom with her. She might be so overwhelmed by everything that she doaesn't know where to start.
This is the way I weny with my 11 year old.
It just got to be too much for her and she didn't know where to start.
Good Luck.