9 Year Old Daughter and Writing About Sex

Hi C.,
To what degree and depth have you discussed sex with your daughter? It sounds like there has been some knowledge imparted, but perhaps you need to really have an in-depth talk -- and keep talking. She's obviously embarrassed that you've discovered the notes and it sound to me like she's not really quite sure what 'sex' is exactly. I'm going to guess that she has NOT had sex, but could be figuring that whatever limited experimenting she's done qualifies as sex. I think the only concrete thing you can do at this point is educate, educate, educate. And keep talking and keep the lines of communication open. I'm sorry, I'm sure this was quite a shock. Hang in there; she really needs you right now to guide her through these turbulent years of hormones.

i recently had "the talk" with two of my boys (and I thought Daddy would have covered it, but unfortunately it came up when he was away) so I feel for you this is a very difficult situation.

I would suggest that first you, gently, sit down and fully explain what "sex" is, use correct medical terms and explain to her what you believe is appropriate for her to understand. I gave a full explanation of all male and female parts, and how a man and a woman have intercourse. by confronting her and asking her about what she knows, she has already become defensive so you need to take the lead and just tell her about it, by you discussing it in a very relaxed manner, it will leave room for her to talk about what she is confused about. and by you taking the lead you will also show her that it is okay to talk about it, and what terms are appropriate to use when sex is discussed. after you explain it to her ask her if she has any questions, and if she isn't being defensive, then you may ask how all that you have talked about relates to what you found in the note/letters. you may also want to discuss what about sex is appropriate for her at her age, for ex. I told my boys that sex was for a husband and wife ( a biblical definition based on our beliefs) and that it sex was something that God created for our pleasure. meaning that it is not a bad thing or a dirty thing, but a good thing and when it was appropriate for them to have sex. I also might encourage you to give your daughter the words to say if/when someone approaches her about sex, so that she feels safe and comfortable saying "no" It seems that she has had some communication about sex with someone some where, and she isn't comfortable telling you about it, so you need to lead her to fully understand what sex is about and what an appropriate response to it. She may come around and tell you more info after she has had time to digest it all.

hang n there! feel free to PM me if you need some discussion ideas, it caught me completely off guard when I had to have the "talk" but it really went a lot easier than I thought it was going to go when it happened. I also talked to both of my boys separately so that they would have each of their questions answered without distraction of what the other brother was thinking.

Sounds like the poor kid is very confused and embarrassed. If she's unwilling to talk, you may want to spend some time at your local bookstore and select a book or two that are age-appropriate. When you give it to her, tell her that you'd like her to look through it and come to you with questions. Later, ask what she thought and what was confusing. Also, after she reads the book, don't forget to tie in what your moral stance is on sex, whether it's for marriage only or just for committed relationships or whatever your personal belief is.

Give her an information source that's accurate but not embarrassing and follow that with your personal beliefs. She'll be OK.

It sounds like she needs some real solid information about sex. You say you have always been open with her but also that she does not know what sex is. She needs an ongoing discussion about her body, growing up, sex and the ability to feel comfortable bringing you questions when they arise. If you and she are not at that point, possibly some discussion and providing her with a book for reference/questions may help her.

My sex talk philosophy is to meet your child where they are and address what is on their minds, don't go overboard or try to cover everything in one conversation. It sounds like it is time to start having some open talks with her, sure she will be embarassed and not want to talk about it at first, just keep it up and eventually you will both end up on the same page. At this point, you probably need to get your hands on a good book and it also sounds like she is a little more informed than the average 9 yr old, so you can probably move ahead of what is suggested for her age group. It will be important to emphasize the dangers of becoming intimate at such a young age and the consequences involved (no matter who she is doing anything with). And I wouldn't get too overly worked up about the girl/girl thing, she is 9 yrs old and boys are gross..it is only natural that she is only thinking about sharing ANYTHING with other girls. It doesn't mean when she begins to fully understand romance, etc that she will be into girls. However, it is a good idea to talk about boundaries so she doesn't get stigmatized socially. Good luck!!

She probably knows a lot, but may have some of it wrong. That's what happened to me when I was about her age. Also, you must realize that kids see way more and talk about it today. It's a moral jungle out there! Find a time when you can be alone with her and can ease into a discussion about what sex is supposed to be for and why it's wrong for kids her age to be dealing with it. They have so little time to be children, it's a shame they are pushed into adulthood before they are ready. My older sister gave me "the talk" at a crucial time and that's when I learned my info was not correct. She emphasized the sacredness of the covenant bond between moms and dads. It stuck with me.