Ok, so my 9 (almost 10) year-old son got his braces off around mid-February and was supposed to wear his retainer full-time for 2 weeks, then only at night after that. Well probably 2 months in he just stopped wearing it. We were tired of hounding him about it and having gone through Love & Logic classes a couple of years ago, I just thought we would see what the natural consequence was. So, when his appointment time came, his teeth had moved so much that he couldnt even get his retainer in his mouth so he had to get a new one, to the tune of $90. So the natural consequence was that his parents had to shell out $. The kids are doing the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace, Jr. system (well, that is when we can get them to want to earn money--but that is a whole other issue) so we told him that he is going to have to pay for the retainer. I was thinking that $90 was a lot so I was going to surprise him and let him off at $45 for working hard. But neither he (or his 7 year-old brother) seem to care about earning any money. And why would you if you just had to fork it all over to your parents to pay for a stupid retainer. So, I still was not sure what I was going to do about that and then this happened.
Yesterday, we went back to pick up the new retainer that was being made and today, yes today, he left it at VBS. We went back to look for it but he had wrapped it in a napkin so I am sure someone threw it away. We, or should I say he, was going to look through the trash for it, but the trash cans had already been emptied. So, now we are going to have to buy another retainer because if he doesnt start wearing it he is going to need braces again!
I am so angry I cannot even see straight right now. How do I let him learn from this? What should be his consequence? HELP!
wow, that's a tough one! You're probably right about him not being excited to earn money b/c he has to fork it all over, so what about having him give over only 1/2 of his money at each time and save the other half until the retainer is paid off. Maybe his half can go in a sort of "savings plan" for him to spend AFTER he gets another new retainer, that way he can make plans for his money but not get to spend it until it's time...?
I like the idea that some people have put up on here to have him take a special container to put it in. What about having a special mommy-son time and letting him decorate the container himself? This way you can incorporate the solution with showing him that you love him even when he messes up by spending quality time with him. Also, instead of a hard case you might try one of those little bags that has a plastic clip on it that he can clip to his belt loop or backpack so he wont be throwing the case away also.
Well, love and logic can work but sometimes that natural out come is more than anyone wants or should have to deal with.
The fact is that you are his mother and he needs a keeper right now. Just as all adults have strengths and weaknesses all kids do as well. I raised what I used to call my littel absent minded professor. The poor child needed a keeper, he forgot where he left everything and lost more items than I could possible list. He is now an adult and much more organized with his life and his things.
The point is that children need help keeping up with things sometimes, and not only for their benefit but for ours as well, that is why they are children and not adults. They just dont have it all together yet.
So I have to say that I dont think making him pay for it is something that I would do. A retainer is something that you pay for, it is for his health and you as his parent are responsible for his health. it isnt about nagging him to wear it. it is about insisting that he does and checking on him to make sure it is in. If in the middle of the night it is out, wake him up and insist that he put it in.
I can remember when I was little. A little boy on the play ground got his glasses knocked off at recess. They were broken and he cried so hard. He said that he was going to be in so much trouble, he told us how much they cost and that he had just gotten them the night before. I felt sorry for him. He had done nothing wrong, it just happened and yet he was afraid to tell his parents, because of the money factor. I realize now that I am older that the money factor becomes an issue, but at the same time, if it is your money and your childs health, I would think that taking care of the retainer was as much your job as his.
He may be 9 years old, but when you think about it, he is ONLY 9 years old. Love and logic, natural consequences, they apply to parents as well!
I am in line with the other two Moms/Grandmas that have written. Your little boy IS still just a little boy. I can only imagine what a pain a retainer would be to have to wear, and I remember having to constantly remind my daughters to put their retainer back in their mouths...for the millionth time!!!
Can you find something POSITIVE about the retainer to entice him with?? I know that he doesn't really CARE about straight teeth or a pretty smile...but I bet that he DOES care about how long he will have to wear that stupid retainer. Tell him the natural consequences of NOT wearing it, he sure doesnt want to go back to braces again!!! The money doesn't mean a thing to him...but the discomfort of the braces should ring a bell with him.
I am sorry but it is going to be as much your job as it is his ( actually MORE yours!!!) to make sure he wears that retainer and that he doesn't lose it. He is...as I said...still just a little boy.
Good luck Mom!!!
R. Ann
We are a love an logic family too.
If he doesn't want to work. . .sell some of his favorite things on ebay or craigs list to pay for it. . . That is a natural consequence idea. . .
I definitely wouldn't make him go through a dumpster. That can be dangerous. What if he has a cut and something gets in it and it gets infected? Even with gloves that could happen. Plus I personally think that is absolutely disgusting and unsanitary and I would't want my child to do that.
If anything I would make him pay some of the second one. The first time losing it I understand but the second I feel he should take some responsibility for. I have to ask though, does he have a hard plastic container he can put it in at lunch so this doesn't happen again? Maybe you could just put it in his lunch box for when he takes it out and the box can just be in there at all times. I would invest in a few of them personally. I remember having a retainer and my mom carried a box too in case we were out at dinner and I needed to put it somewhere. It is really easy to throw something like that away by accident in a napkin so maybe a box would help. Good luck!
He would have been going through the church dumpster.
Hi D.,
Find out if the Dentist has a retainer case so that he can always put them in the case when he removes them. It would also be helpful if that case was attached to a string around his neck. Then warn him if he removes that string there will be consequences such as no TV, snacks or phone calls or play time for a period of time all or some of the above. That would be your choice. I think it will get better.
My LO is not yet 2, so I haven't dealt with this directly, but I had a couple thoughts I'll share.
(1) You can't get him interested in EARNING $$, but maybe you can get him interested in the SPENDING side. What I mean is that ok, you've now had to pay $180 in extra retainers - "naturally" that's got to come from somewhere else in your "9 yo son budget". Does he have a birthday coming up? Wrap up a picture of a retainer instead of a gift, or tell him no party. Skip a session of some activity he likes (camp, sport season, club, etc.). Figure out what WILL make him start caring and show him how is irresponsibility affects that.
(2) Just as a matter of trying to prevent it happening again, can you get him some sort of bright-colored case (maybe like a trave soap dish), bag, etc. and insist he have it with him at all times? It's possible that he'll still leave it behind, but at least it'll be easier to find & less "contaminated" from the trash.
As you may have guessed, I don't buy into the whole "oh, he's ONLY 9" business. Do you think 100 years ago kids had no responsibilities at 9 because they were "just kids"? WRONG! Making excuses like that just reinforces to kids that they can't/don't need to care, so they don't. If you expect them to be responsible - and follow through with consequences if they're not - they'll learn it, feel accomplished in themselves, and they won't end up with Mommy & Daddy still making excuses for them when they're in high school, college, and real life!
Let him learn from his mistakes. Tell him that when he gets older and more responsible he can shell out the money for a new set of braces and retainer. When I had to wear my retainer it was so hard for me. I was in high school and had accidentally thrown them away 2 days in a row. The first time i had to look through Spaghetti. The second day was salisbury steak. I would then remember to take it of my lunch tray. Almost a year later I lost it in HyVee grocery because I put it in my purse to try a sample they had at the front. I went to pull out my keys and they fell on the floor. Thank goodness someone had the heart to turn them in to lost and found. And thank God i had them customized with a cute lil picture. but i had to get a new top one because someone had stepped on my top retainer and it broke. 2 months after that I was eating something on my way to my car from home and dropped my retainer in our driveway. I ran it over. I didn't have the money to buy a new one and had to learn the hard way. sounds very comical, but it's the story of my life, always like this, haha. it may sound harsh to make him learn from his mistakes, but that's how life is, unfortunately. I hope this helps. You can share my story with him if you'd like. Good luck D.!
A.
Ok, this sounds so similar to myself when I was nine. I have to say, the dentist came up with an ingenious solution for me. He glued my retainer in with the cement they used for the braces. He made me a full metal retainer, which he glued into my mouth at certain points. I couldn't take it out, and I was told that it was because I had not worn my retainer as I should and that I did not take care of the ones I had before. It worked. I had it glued in for a few months and then they took it out and I never lost another retainer again.
I don't know if your dentist will do it because you son only need to wear his at night, and if not, I would skip a new retainer go back to braces and still make your son pay for his retainers out of chore money, christmas, and/or birthday money from relatives. Good luck!
D.,
He may not be interested in earning money to buy a retainer, but maybe he would be interested in earning money to "buy back" something that is of value to him. Here's what I mean. Does he have a favorite toy, like a DS or a video game? As a consequence for his lack of responsibility, take the toy away and let him know he can have it back but only if he earns the money to buy it back from you. Decide what type of labor you feel is appropriate and how much labor is enough to buy the toy back. In this way he will be able to understand how it feels to lose something that he considers valuable and also how it feels to have to work to earn something. That is the lesson it sounds like you are wanting him to learn. Just a suggestion. God Bless! L. B
I agree with all that said, to stop and let him grow up and deal with paying for his own braces as an adult. That is natural consequences. As well as him paying you back for the money spent on the braces because he chose to not be responsible. Who is the orthodontist who will put braces on so young, you are asking for problems right off with a child that young. Mine that started at 11 y/o just got hers off at 16, older child started @ 14 and off @ 17, my third is 13 and we need to start as soon and the $ is avail. If I were to be in the ortho pocketbook I'd already have my 6 y/o beginning, but there is no way I would set her or myself up for that much aggravation. nor will we go there till she is much older. He will always expect you to cover him financially as long as you keep shelling out the cash for him.
I think you are a little bit too hard on him. He is still young and he still the doesn't know the value of money. Why don't you get him a retainer case that he would be proud to carry his retainers in. He obviously doesn't care about his retainers if he is wrapping them up in a napkin. Check out www.thesmilingbox.com and have him pick out his own retainer case. Maybe if you have him carry his retainers in a box he likes, he might be more likely to not lose them. I hope this helps!!! :)
Ok....Breath, kids will be kids, and learning to be responsible is a BIG lesson. Yes it is frustrating. One of the first things you need to do is Get him to NEVER put his retainer in a napkin. He needs a container his retainer ALWAYS gets put in when he isn't wearing it ( just like if he were wearing glasses he would put his glasses in a case. ) The case needs to be labeled with name number and address.Of Course it is acceptable to make him responsible for paying for it, but you have to make it more of Fact...not an OPTION, every day he needs to have set chores that earn him X amount of dollars, and that is his Punishment...punishment is not an option...I never remember my parents letting me say...I don't really feel like it today. So be firm, talk about responsibility and start building good habits of keeping that retainer In his mouth or In his case. Good Luck
B.
D.--how about a small carry case that goes in his pocket? The rule could then be, if the retainer is not in your mouth it is in the case. Even "holders" left behind are a lot less apt to be thrown away than a retainer in a napkin that looks like a bit of trash. YEARS ago, when I wore a retainer, my mother, probably fearing a similar outcome as yours, gave me a plastic soap dish to use as a "retainer holder" that I carried so I could take my retainer out at meals. At home it sat on the bathroom shelf, next to my father's container for his false teeth!
I hope this helps! J.
Does the church have a dumpster, where they dump the trash cans? My son wrapped his retainer in a napkin at a church dinner once, and the trash cans got dumped. So, we went to the dumpster... gross? ... yes. I made him get in and hand out stuff. I looked through every plastic tablecloth and every piece of trash. I found it! I also found several pieces of silverware that had been inadvertantly thrown out . :o)
I don't even know what Love and Logic is...I'm a grandma and just used my head and Dr. Dobson's books in raising my 4 kids. I'm with Cher. You are the mom and he is a forgetful little boy. I don't think he's doing all this on purpose. Now, that's not to say that there shouldn't be consequences. But, you need to keep on him. As she said, if he's not wearing it when you go to bed, wake him up and put it in. He's only 9 and boys do mature slower. I had one boy and 3 girls, and saw that for myself. You may have to get another retainer, but then... you be the 'keeper' for a while. You hand it to him when it's time to wear it, and take it back when he takes it out. Luckily, it's summertime and he can't leave it at school. :o)
Okay, so now he doesn't get to decide if he "wants" to earn money- he WILL be earning money. EVERY day. I'm sure you have a laundry list of things that need done around the house that just never seem to get done- cleaning the baseboards, picking up the dog poo out of the yard, weeding, cleaning out the cabinets, etc... Every single day- before he gets to do anything else, he will work on one of those chores and after a month or two of that- he will have gotten the message. Earning money is hard work and you don't want to waste that hard earned money.
I don't have children old enough for retainers yet but I do remember wearing one and I hated it. I lost at least 1 retainer as did most of my friends and we all had them when we were 15 or 16 and your little guy is only 9! I'm sure the money factor is VERY frustrating but I doubt he lost it on purpose and I agree with other posters that this is going to have to be a JOINT effort as he is only 9.
Creating habits with the retainer this summer should help with the school year, like always using a retainer case at meals or set up a schedule of when he has to have it in and make sure he does. Like I said my kiddos have not gone through this so I know I don't totally understand, but a retainer was hard to keep track of at 15.
I like what Lisa B said. I have an 18 year-old, and she doesn't think it's fair that she to pay for her car insurnace. Mine you we gave her the car! I do wish I had expected more out of her.
I have been through the braces & retainer thing as a kid, however I do not remember ever loosing one. I did stop wearing my night retainer when I got married (9 years later).
He needs chores to earn money to pay you back & learn the value of a dollar. Yes he is young, but kids are very smart. My thoughts may be harder on you, but I think it will help. Set up a chore chart for your boys (my 7 1/2 y/o has one & my 3 1/2 y/o loves to help his brother) to get your 9 & 7 y/o started on chores. You will need to remind them to do there chores. Take away privilidges until he has paid you back for the new retainer. Then allow him to have a few of them back. If he can keep the retainer for 1 month (or week) without looseing it, then give back another privilidge. Keep going until he has all the privilidges back. You may have to go through the cycle a few times until he gets it. Since money doesn't mean much to him, maybe earning money to earn his privilidges back will make him understand.
As a kid it was a pain to carry the big plastic case, but maybe it will serve as a reminder of the work he did & privilidges he had to earn back.
With the 7 y/o the same thing goes: if he earns x dollars he gets to do something special that he doesn't get to do very offten or extra game time (computer time, a special video from the library, ect.).
God bless!
OK, so my own daughter is only 2 so I can't talk to you about the mother side of this, but I can talk to you about your son's view. I had braces when I was young for almost 4 years. I then kept losing my retainer. My mom would "nag" me to put in my retainer, reward me when I did, went and bought new ones, etc...pretty much everything. Honestly, I didn't care. I am 29 years old and I just got my 2nd pair of braces off, which I had to wear for over a year. As an adult, I have a different perspective and only now can I realize the importance of my mother's advice. Kids do not know the true value of a dollar (I mean truely). They don't get the concept that we work really hard to earn that money and it is extremely expensive. They have "kid things" on their minds. The only thing I can suggest is try just the night time thing (this has helped me). I keep my retainers in their container right by the sink. Each night after I brush my teeth, I pop them in. When I wake in the morning I brush my teeth and retainers and place the retainers back in the container. Several things here: 1) It becomes part of his nightly routine. 2) You can monitor if he has them in and where they are at at all times. I know that he probably needs to wear them all the time, but starting off at night is better than nothing, don't ya think?
