9-Year Old Daughter Is the Odd-Girl Out. She's in Her 2Nd Week with No Friends.

Hi V.-
I only skimmed though the other comments, but maybe you can have her take a dance class or sign up for sports, music where she will have something in common with the other kids...having a common ground can be hard at this age. If she is up to it, then why not, but have her part of the dicision????
Good Luck, this age is really hard!

Hi V.,

I was going to respond, but as I was reading all the mom responses, there was no point since they've all hit the nail on the head. Ditto on all the points made and good job moms! :)

Have a great day!

At various ages in a child's life... kids go through "changing" values and changing interests... which then manifests itself in "changing" friends. Even adults go through periods of "growing out of" certain friends... whether or not there is a real reason or not, and whether or not it is intentional or not.

There is a GREAT book series for this age set. It is called "American Girl" books. It is great reading for the girl and it also meant to be very kid friendly and a book that can be read with "Mom" as well.

There is a few in particular: "The Feelings Book: The Care & Keeping of Your Emotions (American Girl) " , and, "Friends: Making Them & Keeping Them (American Girl)" and, "What Would You Do? (American Girl Library)",
Or the book: "A Smart Girl's Guide to Friendship Troubles by Patti Kelley Criswell and Angela Martini.

I would really recommend these books... and since your daughter seems to enjoy reading. AND, you can "both" talk about it. It is a real kid friendly series and written in a real nice way and is age-appropriate.

Other than that... make sure your daughter KNOWS that SHE IS A GREAT GIRL... and not to take things like that "personally." Naturally it hurts one's feelings... but the currents of friendships will always change like the tides. So, if she has a good sense of "self" and "confidence" it can help her to weather these things better.
And, there is also the route of her just finding other friends... that are more in line with her interests/personality. Although anytime a friend leaves you, it is sad. Even for any grown up.

Let her know you are always there for her if she wants to talk.... but let her talk freely without critique... I think she probably just needs to "vent" and find a new "rudder" to guide her through this. You don't have to "nag" ... just be a soft place for her to fall... for anything. As she becomes a "teen", you want to build a foundation of trust and comfort for her... so she will always come to you with "problems" and just to talk.

Its so hard this age... I remember going through that too. But I didn't tell my Parents. I just found other friends to bond with. At this age, there are so many "cliques" and so many in and out groups of friends.
- Or perhaps, ask her Teacher how she is doing in school... and if she has observed anything... that may shed some light on this.

I hope the books help. You can get it from www.Amazon.com or any bookstore. On Amazon, you can read the reviews of it.

All the best,
Susan

Dear V.:

I'm so sorry your daughter is going through this. I was this kid myself and it sure was awful at the time.

I want to say that I agree with all the mamas below. They gave you excellent advice. Also, I think the best thing for me (when I went through this) was that I was never advised to kick and claw for these friends to come back. I wasn't inclined to, either. My mom never got involved and it made me feel better about myself despite the situation. I had high self esteem and that's what you want for your daughter. You don't want her to feel she has to change or be something she's not just to get her friends back. Don't treat this like an "emergency" because it's not.

From these hard times, I learned patience because I knew someone better would come along who would value the real me. I learned compassion because I knew these kids just didn't "get" me but it didn't mean they were evil, they were just shallow or thoughtless (a temporary condition...hopefully!). I learned dignity and poise because I simply saw responding with elegance as my only alternative. But most of all, I became really well-educated because I, too, turned to books! (Ha ha!)

Some side benefits: I got good at seeing boys as "just friends" since they still spoke to me and were kinder than the girls. I never looked down on anyone but rather saw them through the eyes of someone who's suffered and knows what it's like to be alone. I became very adept at maintaining friendships with adults (yes, the snotty kids' parents!) and, as a result, I've never lacked for jobs.

Eventually, one little girl will get tired of the head games and notice the quiet girl with the book and say, "Whatcha readin'?" This will happen before you can imagine. Kids are fickle (as you've noticed!).

I've had a great life and she'll have a great life. BTW, I think you're a FABULOUS mama to her!

Best wishes,

M.

PS: Oh, and all those friends who ditched me back then? They all sought me out on Facebook a couple of years ago and all is well once again!

Hello V.. Don't take this the wrong way (please) but back in my day (lol - I'm 35)kids did that sort of thing, and parents didn't get involved. Kids outgrow friends all the time, and it's just something that happens, unfortunately. Maybe she's not "cool" and the other kids don't want to associate with her. At this age, it's all about who's cool and who's not, at least that's how I remember it. Or maybe she's a cool girl and they are all "nerds" and don't want to hang out with her anymore. Whatever the reason, there is one, and chances are, it's non-negotiable. I can understand how upsetting it must be for her, but there really isn't anything you can do about it, as her mother, short of bullying the kid/s (or the kids parents) into accepting her back into her life (their lives). If she doesn't want to talk about it, don't pressure her, there is nothing worse than a nagging parent, especially when it comes to a sensitive subject such as this one. I remember there being a couple of kids in school that just didn't have any friends at all, who just hung out by themselves, doing whatever it was they did, and I know most of them now, and they are fine. One never learned how to cope, but the rest are completely sane :) They did better academically (for the most part) than the rest of us because they had nothing to do BUT study during our play time/lunch/recess. Rest assured, she will be fine, and one day will be able to be friends with someone who shares common interests with her, and who will not dog her out. Until then she's just getting an advance copy of how cruel people can be. I think the worst thing you can do is talk to the other moms, the result could be worse than what she is going through now. If anyone at school found out (parents talk and sometimes don't realize their children are listening, and that kid goes and tells someone else, and so on and so forth) she'd be the laughing stock of the school, and possibly bullied. Most likely. I can't see it being a positive thing to get involved in her schoolyard drama. Is it possible that she has developed a nasty habit or possibly some bad B.O? I'm only asking because as I type this, I remember that I started having to use deodorant when I was 9, as did some of my classmates, and the ones that needed to but didn't surely got picked on, teased, criticized, etc.. because no one wanted to be around them. Just a thought. I hope it's something as simple as that :) Best of luck to you and your daughter :)

I too was the odd girl out during most of my childhood, and it hurts to be the one that the other girls do not want to play with. This is just one of those almost karmic situations that happen to people so that they can grow and learn. What your daughter needs to know from you is that she is valued and loved by you. Don't just tell her that when you are putting her to bed at night, but show her by spending time with her hanging out. Be present for her. When she is ready to talk to you, she will. Don't be proactive in bringing the subject up or the pressure is going to be on her. She is going to think that she needs be popular just to make you happy. Obviously, this would be the wrong message to send. Let her bring it up, and when she does, just listen attentively and without judgment for as long as she needs you to listen. When you have earned her trust in this matter, help her understand that (1) there is nothing wrong with her, (2) the problem is with her former best friend who doesn't have the spine to do what is right and include your daughter into the new clique of girls, (3) if her old friend is acting like a backstabber, maybe that girl doesn't deserve to have your daughter as a friend, and (4) your daughter is actually too good of a person and too valued to be friends with girls who behave like little jr. high fascists. These 4 points are so important! The sooner your daughter gets these concepts, the better because she will not need to encounter this situation over and over again and be damaged as result of it. Now go let your daughter know she is a worthwhile, loved and valued human being. Start there.

Hi there I was reading your post and I am sorry to hear your daughter has had trouble making friends. I have 2 little boys ages 9 and 10 and my nine years had a lot of problems making friends all the way up to 3rd when he finally found a really good friend. I was worried as well that my son would be left out and start a life of social solitude. So.. I would take random days off and spend time in the classroom, and supervise recess to see how he was interacting with the other children and so I would take mental notes of how the other kids got a long and what types of games they would play. Then at home without saying anything to him I would play those games with him and started getting him into some of the little trinkets alot if the kids he wanted to play with were into. It has really helped and without saying to him he didnt feel like there was sort of a reform going on. I do not know if your schedule or finances would allow you to take time off and visist her school at playtimes or lunch times but it may help you to see whats going on.
Also, I have a question... Is your child gifted or very smart? Sometimes when they have a higher learning capacity its hard for them to relate to other kids that aren't quite where she is and vice versa.
I hope I helped and take care, your a good mommy to be so concerned about your little one.

I don't know about "play dates" at age 9. It might work at the preschool level. You can't force friendships but you can offer her opportunities to meet a wider range of children OUTSIDE of school. What is your daughter interested in? Does she play an instrument, does she like sports, sing in a choir, dance, etc. Find a group activity that she would find fun or challenging and I think she will connect with children of similar interests. Children change with age and so do their friends. I think all girls should be able to take care of themselves so start with judo or self-defense classes. If she has any ear for music, try group music lessons. If she can hum a tune and your church has a choir, see if she can join. If she likes soccer, softball, basketball, even ice hockey, get her into organized sports. Sometimes there can be real bonding in group settings. I was a shy nerd in elementary school, but I had some musical talent, so I joined the orchestra, I loved sports and I played in as much organized sports as there were for girls in the 1960s. I also took time for reading, sewing, learned how to knit and crochet, train a dog, and still got almost all straight A's in high school. I think she needs to have friends OUTSIDE of the elementary school setting. School can be a very cruel place and sometimes home schooling is better. Get her out in situations where she can meet a variety of other children WITH SIMILAR INTERESTS and I think she will find real FRIENDS, not just someone she knows to "play" with. REAL FRIENDS do not ignore or hurt others. Attachments in elementary school are fleeting and change with the wind. The real friends she will probably meet later or outside of school. Good luck. I hope this helps a little.

Hi V.,

I so feel for your little girl. I WAS her for many years. The loneliness is really hard.

I have to tell you that just NOTICING THAT THERE IS A PROBLEM is really huge. I would have given anything for my parents to try to help me; they never even noticed that I was so very unhappy and alone.

To be fair, mom was going through serious clinical depression, my dad was working 60-hour weeks, and they would divorce a few years later. So they had their own problems to deal with.

But I have to tell you, just the fact that you've noticed and that you're trying to help is so enormous. You're there for her, and that's a BIG help.

There seems to be some great advice below. Everyone here is just awesome, and you are doing a great job.

So much good luck to you. All my hopes for you both.

Hi V. G...
A couple of years ago my two girls had to chance schools. This was really hard for them. They went from being two of the most popular girls in their school to no one wanting to play with them either. They would come home from school upset and sad. They never had anyone to play with and they said they were spending their lunch time alone also.

I had talked to a friend and they gave me a great idea.

I had a BIG party for both of their classes at our house. It was off the wall...the girls invited everyone from each of their classes.

The party was a huge success! From that point on..they were the talk of their classes. And they never had a problem finding someone to talk to at recess or lunch.

Just a thought...try it. You may be surprised...
S. S.

I've read through the responses and there is some very good advice out there. My daughter is 10 and has similar issues because she only has one friend who is planning to move away. She never gets invited to b-day parties and truly has no other true friend. My heart breaks for her. I know how she comes across: impulsive, loud, silly, overreactive, your basic ADHD kid. But she is cool, beautiful, fun, smart, silly, and dresses nice too! This will be an ongoing battle for us. One thing that I've done is ask her teacher to notice and help if she can. If she can pair my daughter with another nice girl, lonely girl, new girl, that may help dear daughter to forge a new friendship. Good luck!

Hi V.:

I would set up playdates. Sometimes girls get very exclusive with each other and are reluctant to open their group to someone new. She needs one on one time with a schoolmate so they can get to know your daughter without the distractions of other preferred friends. It might be helpful to pick up the book "Queen Bees and Wanna Bes" which discussses the dynamics of girl realtionships in school and beyond.

Hope this helps.

Apri

sounds like your daughter needs u to take her shopping..buy her some hip clothes..get her involved in music or some outside class..like get her an electric guitar and some lessons..or tennis lessons..something she can have as a hobby..if that were happening to my daughter i think i would make a special day and take her shopping ..doesn't have to be expensive but i would get her some cool clothes..cute dresses..poor thing..i still remember what jerks kids can be..tell her to find another little girl that isn't in that group and become friends w/ her. I remember clicks.. and remember seeing girls being ignored and always talked to them..
Have a girl's day w/ your daughter..take her to get her nails done and buy her something..and tell her how much you love her..who knows ...maybe w/ all the reading she'll be doing she'll become much smarter..maybe she has a different future in store for her
Again..tell her to find a new friend..be friendly..i always tell my son who is only 3.5 years old..that "to have friends you have to be a friend" i say it every time i drop him off at preschool..and i taught him how to make friends by saying "hi i'm Caspian, what's your name" how about telling your daughter to go up to another girl that isn't really playing w/ anyone and having her say.."hey wanna do this or that" i don't know how old your daughter is..and what they're doing.
Do they still have after school sports? if she joined that she would bond w/ some girls..
you could also go down to the school ..talk to her teacher see if she notices anything.

well sorry to ramble..makes me sad to hear this..good luck and good luck to your daughter..and if you want her to see me..u can google the januaries..that was my band..tell her a singer woman is worried about her and tell her we all had times like this as kids..and u have to just be bold and make new friends xo

Debbie

Lots of great responses out there.

There's such pressure to be the 'popular' girl. We all want acknowledgement and some need more than others. In retrospect, I was happy to have my small group of true friends who weren't caught up in the 'drama' once I reached high school: they are still my friends (and still married, while the 'drama' people are all divorced!). But leading up to that, I had some years where I didn't have that 'core'.
And like some others wrote, the importance of YOU acknowledging her being ostracized and your daughter realizing there's nothing wrong with that is so important.
Kids who are so self-concerned have issues and I wouldn't want my kids to be around that anyway.
Sweet, good kids will play with her--sometimes those kids just won't be there.
It comes down to self-esteem and knowing what's important. As long as you support her in those two areas, she'll be fine.
good luck

Girls at this age can be so mean. I don't mean to be shallow, but take a good look at how she dresses, does her hair, if she has good hygeine, etc. If she dresses "weird" other girls will notice. Take a look at her personality - is she mean, critical towards others, act odd? There is something going on that maybe you don't notice since you're her mom. I'm sure she's a wonderful girl inside and out, but like I said, most girls at this age and for a few more years are shallow and sometimes mean and don't care about the good qualities she may have to offer, just outward appearances, etc. Good luck - this is a hard one. The others below have good ideas too, and good books to read. I just thought of something else...my daughter has curly hair and sometimes fuzzy. She's a little older than your daughter but she flat irons her hair and it makes all the difference in the world with her looks. Your daughter is too young for makeup, but I don't think too young for the flat iron, if she has unruly hair that is.

My name is A. Ludwig I work with youth. I am so sorry
to hear about your girl. We are having a youth club for
5th, 6th, 7th and 8th grades at American Memorial this
coming Friday (Nov. 6th). Go ahead and bring your daughter
so I can meet her and we can start working with her to encourage her to make friends, and bring friends to her. I understand that she is not in any of these grades but bring her anyways. We will do what we can to talk
with her and find out what what can help. I love kids
and I been working with kids that were like her. If you
don't mind. I'd like to get to know her and refer her also
to some of the leaders in the 'YoungLife'. If you wish
to find out more about 'younglife' you can go to www.younglife.org. This is new in Saipan but it has been
around since 1945. It is an awesome program, There are
twelve (12) of us dedicated leaders that commit our lives
and service to help youth people.

Thank you for opening up to the community.
truly, A.

I have a Kindergartner going through exactly the same thing. I think at these young ages, it's hard for them to work it out on their own. They look to us for guidance in how the world works, and this is a great opportunity. When my son told me about these troubles, I asked him how he thinks people make new friends. He said "I don't know. How?" It broke my heart and made me smile at the same time. So we talked about approaching someone who is doing something he might like to join, or someone not doing anything then he could invite them to go play at something. I pointed out an example of a boy on his soccer team who approached my son the first day of practice and asked if he wanted to kick the ball around... I reminded him how happy it made him feel. Then we talked about when he might do that at school, and which kids he might want to approach. I just changed jobs at work and moved to a new office location, and told him I don't know many people in my new area. So we made a pact to both try to talk to someone new that day and report back to each other. It was fun comparing notes that night! Nice to have someone to understand what you're going thru. It helped him feel empowered to fix his own problem without me nagging or obsessing over it (I had your same concern there). It has sort of worked and he's played with a few new kids, but not made any close friends. So our next step is to set up a play date. Can't hurt, might help. And maybe I'll make a new mom friend. Good luck to you both!

I skimmed through other responses and this all just breaks my heart. I'm in somewhat of a similar issue with my nearly 9 year old. She has a few little friends at school, but they aren't always nice to her and often times I'll find her alone. I know the other 3 girls in her 'group' often hang out together outside of school, but my daughters never been invited. :( I'm not sure why, she's a beautiful sweet girl that is just loud. :)
Anyone up for playdates? I'm in North OC. :)

This seems to be a pattern with girls this age. I noticed it as a teen and made a decision to lead an all boys 4-H cooking club because I told my Mother I couldn't stand the cattineess of nine year old girls! Later on, two other mothers and I had to take our three nine-year old daughters and long-time "best friends" to a psychologist to help them with the constant of playing off of two of them against the other one -- and not always the same one! It helped them to see the hurt they were causing each other, and pretty much stopped it.

I think it helps when kids have a group of friends they can invite over for various activities. That way, pairing off, which can be destructive sometimes, doesn't happen as much. Our house was a center for art activities, making up plays and musicals, etc -- things that required a group.

Have her join other groups out side of school. She'll make new friends!

Hi V., there is lots of great advice below...but I don't think I saw...did you ask your daughter what she wants? Does she want you to get involved. Talk to her about what SHE wants.

Tell her some of the ideas that you have that you can use if SHE wants. Let her know that you are willing to help set up playdates, or activities/hobbies. Tell her you will speak to her teacher in private, or whatever you feel comfortable doing.

Kids go through their own growth, allow her the opportunity to figure out what she wants.

Ask her what she wants of you, tell her you love her and let her know that you are there...always!!

V., as parents we want to go in and FIX things. But somethings need to "work themselves out". Allow your daughter the opporutnity to know what she wants. Let her grow.

Blessings to you for being such a wonderful involved mom.

B.
Family Success Coach

That will pass, really it will. Don't worry about it. The same thing happened to my little sisters. the both of them. it usually turns out to be some sort of a lie built on jealousy. It all comes out in the wash. Your little sweetheart will gain and lose friends over the years it's probably not even worth getting to the bottom of. Something happened between the both of them and one has just a hair more popularity than the other. It's just too bad that someting came between them. let them work it out. Perhaps she will need your daughter again when something happens. Then she perhaps will be at the mercy of your daughter emotionally. Your relief will come soon.

Hi V.,

I know how hard this can be for you to watch. However, you can't fix this for your daughter. And, even if you could, she would learn that she needs you to solve her problems for her and she would feel like a victim. The best you can do here is to be there for her. Validate her feelings. Let her know that you know how difficult this is for her. You may even share a story from your past when you felt rejected. Let her know that, as hard as this experience is for her, you know that she is going to be able to get through this. Empower her. Let her know that you are always there for her if she wants to talk or if there is something with which she wants your help. Let her know you trust her and then... trust her.

As adults, we have all learned at one time or another, that our greatest learning and growth comes out of the more challenging moments in our lives. Honor that for your daughter and recognize the wonderful opportunity that she has to develop her own inner strength.

If I can be of any further help, feel free to contact me.
Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Coach
www.GilaBrown.com