So, my husband and I recently discovered (or re-discovered, I guess) that my 8 year old step son (hubby's son from 1st marriage) has some pretty strange bathroom habits. He's a pretty unique kid anyway, and if you want more background you can read my two previous questions about his behavior in general (I think he has aspergers, husband thinks he's immature). But this question is about his bathroom habits, and what, if anything, we should do...
When SS was older 4 or early 5, we found out he was afraid to sit on the toilet to poop. He was afraid monsters would come up through the hole in the toilet while he was sitting down. Hubby and I worked with him, talked to him about it, sat in the bathroom with him and held his hands while he went...everything we could think of to help him get over the fear. However, his mom told him to stand up on the toilet while he goes. So that's what he started doing. He would strip naked and stand on the rim (not squat; he stands upright). We finally got suspicious of the water splashed all over the bathroom after he left it and asked him about it. He told us right away. We worked with him more and thought he was over it at 5 years old.
Then when he started 1st grade (he must have been 6) his grandma took him to the zoo with some other boys. SS spent a long time in the bathroom so grandma sent the other boys in to check on him. They looked under his stall and found him buck naked standing on the toilet. SS was furious that his privacy was invaded and humiliated that the boys made fun of him. We worked with him some more and again thought he was sitting down to poop. He promised us repeatedly that he always sits down and just pulls down his pants. So we believed him and let it go.
Two weeks ago we were all at the mall, and SS had to go to the bathroom. Hubby went in with him and while he was waiting at the sink, he could see in the mirror that SS took off his shoes and clothes and piled them up on the floor. Hubby peaked through the crack and sure enough, SS was naked and standing on the toilet. Mind you, he's now 8 years old and in 3rd grade.
So this is now his ingrained bathroom habit. Also, he lied to us about it numerous times, so he's obviously dead set on continuing. When we asked him why he lied, he told us "mom said if I tell you I sit down, you'll leave me alone and stop asking about it". We've come across this behavior from mom before, and that's a whole different issue.... But my question is, what, if anything, should we do about this now? If he gets caught doing is at school, the kids will taunt him forever. He already has a very hard time socially and I'm sure other kids would freak out if they caught him naked in the school bathroom. There are also the safety issues. Standing up and risking a fall off the slippery porcelain is scary enough, but then there's the fact at he's stripping naked in men's public restrooms!!! OMG that terrifies me!! We've explained all this to SS and he says 'ok, I'll just pull down my pants and sit on the toilet'. But my husband has checked on him a few times since and he's still stripping and standing (and lying!!). We've been working on the lying for a while too, but right now I'm limiting my question to pooping :-)
So what do you mama's have for me this time? Thanks in advance for all your help and support, both with this and with my previous posts.
Btw, We did talk to his mom about it. She said she would 'have a talk' with SS about it, but that she doesnt think its a problem. That talk either never happened or didn't do any good. Mom's standard procedure is to tell us what we want to hear, then do whatever she thinks is easiest...even encouraging SS to lie to us to get us to drop things that she doesn't want to deal with (like mom and SS sleeping together and showering together at 7/8 years old...). So she's not going to be any help with this. Shes known that SS does this for 4 years and doesn't think it's a problem.
I honestly believe this is a behavioral/psychiatric issue. I would talk with his pediatrician about it, and ask for an evaluation. He clearly has a phobia, and it will need to be addressed as well as use some techniques by a behavioralist to get him to not do this anymore. This is not something that he will outgrow on his own. He needs professional help and guidance.
You don't mention anywhere in this post (haven't read your other posts) about counseling.... b/c what you have now is a mom vs. dad thing going on and he needs to speak to 3rd party to help him overcome this.
That 3rd party will also probably be able to alert your hubby to more serious issues (autism spectrum) and your hubby won't be bale to just poo-poo it as he does when it comes form you (no pun intended!!!)
This is a 3 yo habit... you're not going to be able to break it on your own. You should also at some point have the Ex involved in the sessions too. Poor kid - he's going to be an absolute outcast if something happens at school.... I would play up this angle w/ the mom b/c it may be the only way to get her on board.
Exactly what Rae A. said. Please get him to a child psychologist soon, your pediatrician can recommend one. At the same time, your suspicions of Aspergers can be either confirmed or ruled out. I am a stepmom, too, and we had difficulty with the mom when it came to proper mental health care of the children. Sometimes, we just had to take action without her knowledge or consent for the good of the kids if she could not/would not recognize a problem.
Lynn, I think that I would call social services about this. His mother is the problem. She is setting this child up for some major problems in his life.
This boy needs a child psychologist and his mother needs counseling too. Perhaps several visits from social services would straighten her out.
So sorry,
Dawn
Hi! It looks like you have a clue about the issues with his mother and it's sad she isn't working her best for him. I'm sure as he gets older he will figure out the disparity between homes and appreciate you.
I have a practical suggestion.
Call your local waste water treatment facility and ask to arrange a tour. Make sure you have a chance to speak to the tour giver ahead of time so they understand the goal is to show your son where poop goes and how monsters can't get into the system. You may have to call more than one facility, some places (usually dictated by size) won't let you. Ask around, maybe a friend of a friend works for DPW or whatever Authority is running the plant. My husband does tours all the time at one facility he runs, won't let you anywhere near another, and occasionally gives tours at all the others.
It might not stop it, 'cos it sounds like a habit now, but maybe it will give him the idea that it is safe and he might give sitting a try.
Good luck!!
Sorry can't help with this one. That is weird - he needs counseling asap if not in already. You're right for being very concerned.
You're not going to get anywhere unless you get the mom on board. I'm a stepmom myself and I personally have accepted the fact that I need to give up battles unless dad and mom are on board 100%.
The first step is to get your husband to talk to the mom. They need to work out a course of action that you can support. Nothing will happen unless that occurs -- except your SS getting more frustrated that you are discouraging a behavior his mom allows and encourages.
Good luck!
I recommend EFT for the pooping issue. It would help to resolve his fear of a monster coming up through the toilet. There are free manuals online and it is just a great tapping technique on acupressure points while talking through the problem. I am not a practitioner, just a believer. If you need links, let me know. I also recommend testing and counseling long-term.
get that boy to a therapist like tomorrow!!! thats beyond a normal fear and it needs to be delt with by a professional...the therapist will also be able to tell you if you need further testing for other disorders
