Our 8 year old son was so excited that we were having a baby UNTIL his little brother actually joined us. Our 8 year old used to be an only child and got whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it - all the attention, toys, games, etc. He's with my husband and I every other weekend (for 4 days) and every time he's here, he usually gets in a really bad mood - upset and jealous of his baby brother.
My step-son is a great big brother; he helps me change diapers, gets him dressed, helps with bath-time and keeps him smiling when he's cranky during diaper changes. I don't allow him to hold his baby brother though, because he doesn't know how to hold him properly and plus the babys neck isn't that strong. I've explained to him that his brother is not a toy and he can't always hold him, that in a few months when the baby get stronger he can.
Lately though our 8 year old has been asking a lot of questions which both my husband and I are getting upset with - how long do we have to deal and put up with the jealousy factor? Not really upset, but the questions are constant and every day. He thinks we don't love him anymore and asks all the time if we do. He actually said last week that he wants us to get rid of the baby. He asks tons of questions - how come you have to feed him all the time, how come he gets to be in your bed, how come he has a lot of toys and clothes, etc. He gets more upset when my husband holds the baby, which isn't that often, only when I need to go to the bathroom or am trying to do something (he can't do much for the little guy, I'm breastfeeding). We try to tell our oldest that daddy is just giving me a break and he can't do much for him and that he got the same attention and everything the baby is getting when he was 2 months old. He just doesn't seem to accept these answers. We also explain to him that the baby lives here full time and that's why he sees me and Daddy all the time and gets all of our attention.
He's told me (our 8 yr old) that he's told his mother that he gets jealous of the baby and all she says is "go tell your dad". I wish that she would be civil and try to help us out and tell him that of course we love him the same as we always have, etc. BUT she won't.
We try and spend just as much time with our 8 yr old as we can, however my husband took on a 2nd job since I'm not going back to work and I'm with the baby most of the time. I've explained to the 8 yr old that he's more independent than his brother and he doesn't need (rely) on me as much. He can do things for himself - his brother can't feed, dress or go to the bathroom by himself, he needs my help.
As I said before, he's used to being an only SPOILED child. What 8 yr old has a TV/DVD in his room, an iPod, a PSP and gameboy and a computer in his room?
Do we just ignore him when he has one of his jealous fits? How do we nip this in the bud before he takes things out on the baby or on us?
N.,
I am a mother of three and my 7 and 5 year old were a little jealous of my yongest (9 months old) when she ws born. they were used to be able to do things and go places within minutes of asking, but they were then told they had to wait because of the baby. It was a little tough for the first 2 months, but then things got better. now they will not leave the baby alone and want to include her in everything, eventhough she is usually too young.
Listening to your story it sounds like your step son feels like he is being replaced. Maybe your hsband should try doing something special with him once a week. Just the two of them. If I were you I would just try to make him feel as special and spoiled as before the baby. I know it will be tough, but imagine how you would feel if your husbans suddenly had a best friend that he wen to for everything and you were sort of out of the loop. You would feel replaced. I am by no means trying to sound nasty, I am just trying to imagine how a 8 year old might feel and explain it so that it makes sense. Maybe he would even benefit from you and your husband getting a sitter for the baby and spending an afternoon with him. Try bowling or mineature golf, something that you could all have fun doing. Or even get tickets to a sporting event in the near future (if he is into sports). I also live in Trenton and you could have a really fun and inexpensive afternoon at a Trenton Thunder game. Maybe if he saw that plans were made, he might really realize that you guys love him just as much as you always have. i hope some of this helps and I also hope that all of it makes sense. I wish you all the luck!!!
C.
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L.G.
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There is a great book that deals only with sibling relationships that may help you. I've read it twice and need to read it again to remind myself of things as my boys (now 5 and 2) get older and have more issues. It's called Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish. Best of luck, I grew-up in a blended family and know how hard it was for me (and my step-sister) to be together part-time. It must be worse to be the mom and have to deal with everyone's stress!
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L.T.
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Hi N., I have a 7 and 3 yr old girls. I am also the child of divorce, father remarried, 3 steps and one half little brother from my fathers second marriage. My oldest was only 4 1/2 when my little one was born and there was alot of jealousy, there still is some today. The best thing to do is make sure your oldest still feels special. Your husband should do something special with him that the baby and maybe even you would not be able to do. Give him big brother responsibilities, or even big boy responsibilities, like helping to decide what is for dinner, things that would be enjoyable, not looked at like chores. Remind him of the things that you and your husband love to do with him that you couldn't possibly do with the baby. Remind him of those things that make him a special person regardless of who else is in your lives. You could even ask him what he wants and needs and have him help to make a plan. ie The baby naps from 10 - 12 so that is when you play a game or throw a ball around outside. He is old enough to be part of planning the day. Once the baby begins to react to your oldest and smiles and laughs and does special things (like telling your oldest "he only giggles like that when he sees you") only for his brother he will start to come around. Just try to remember, as harsh as this may sound, in his mind his mother was replaced by you and now he is replaced by this baby and he lost time with his dad because he is working more because of the baby. All of these things are normal life things, do not blame yourself for the circumstances, but just remind yourself of his perspective and try to find a happy medium. He is young enough to feel the jealousy and insecurities but old enough to express himself and help you and your husband work towards a great family unit. I wish you luck, love and patience.
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S.C.
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The way you speak of your step son is appalling! Of course he would seem spoiled if he was the only child for 8 years! I too have a step son and he has all of those things, TV Xbox, DS, every video game imaginable, IPod. We give him these things because we can and we love to make him happy, and because he's a good kid!
We also have a 5 month old. My step son is a wonderful help with our baby just like you described but if I ever felt like he was becoming jealous I would reassure him that he is our first son and no one could ever take his place. And what an amazing big brother he is and that his baby brother already looks up to him! If I am kissing and loving on the baby I make sure to give my older son hugs and love too. They need this! It is natural for an older child to feel this way. I would never call him spoiled or talk about him the way you just have about your step son. And to be honest so what if his mom is telling him to ask his dad. it is not her responsibility to defend your new baby, its yours. I could never expect my step son's mother to explain something that is my responsibility to explain to him, and honestly I would never want that "talk" to be given by anyone but us. It is your responsibility to deal with this problem not someone else's! However my step son's mother would have comforted her son when she thought for one second he felt sad about having a little brother who is getting all of the attention. Sounds like you have a lot of issues to deal with. Fixing your relationship with her and your step son maybe?
