8 Year Old Refusing to Do What She Is Told.

This sounds pretty familiar to me! My youngest daughter does this, and so do my older ones sometimes. I think part of it is a control issue maybe mixed with a streak of independence. It may be that your daughter doesn't really mind doing the stuff, she just wants the control to do it in her own time. And on top of that, when she waits to do it later when it's her own decision, she forgets! So you could start by giving her the benefit of the doubt and assume she wants to be independed. So you can allow her to come up with a schedule or timeline for things. For example, you want her to clean her room - ask her when is the best time for her to clean her room each day or week - however you do it. After breakfast? After dinner? Just before bedtime? Let her decide. And then give a timeline. If she chooses after dinner, tell her that works for you and you will not tell her to clean her room anymore as long as she does it when she says it's the best time for her to do it. Ask her how long she thinks it will take for her to do it - and let her know that as long as her room is done, satisfactorily, by the time she says she will have it done, you won't mention it again. This gives her some control and responsibility. For things that she needs to do on a regular basis, allowing her to come up with her own schedule should help. Her next maneuver will be to slide the schedule around...yesterday cleaning this up worked for after lunch, but today I want to do it before bedtime. Then at bedtime, she'll decide to do it tomorrow. That's when you tell her that the whole point of allowing her to set her own schedule was so that mom doesn't have to bother her with it - and if she tries to move things around, mom will have to get involved again. She set her schedule, and she has to follow it - for at least a week. After that, ask her how it's working and if things need to be moved around, move them around. It can be planned, but not just decided out of laziness.

For the things that come up each day that you ask her to do and need to be done right away, you have to actually follow up. You have watch her and make sure she is doing what you asked of her. She needs to learn that you mean what you say. Let her know that you do give her lots of choices, but sometimes she also has to do what you tell her, when you tell her. Believe me, kids know when mom is distracted and they take every advantage and put off what you tell them to do, and then forget about it. Or they simply hope mom forgets she told them to do something.

I don't have an eight yea old, but I nanny for two girls just turned 10 and 11. Something that has helped me (and their mom) is to have responsibilities mapped out for each day. They don't have a ton, but have to do some summer brain work three days a week, clean rooms on Fridays, put away their laundry on Tuesdays. (If they were my kids, I would give them a few more chores, but you get the picture.) Each morning, I remind them of what needs to be done for the day, and they are not allowed to use any electronics, have friends over/go to friends, or go to the pool until their responsibilities are taken care of. This helps me manage what gets done with two very independent headstrong girls, and I don't have to micromanage, just remind them what needs done and ensure that they have finished their responsibility. If they don't, they realize, no fun stuff for the day. We came to this after I was constantly nagging them, and it really helped us. It made it the girls' problem, not mine.

p.s. I also had to remove my own site name from my me section. (Parenting and health ideas). (But it does have some advertisements on it, so I suppose it was kind of an offer) I have read your blog a few times and enjoyed it. If you pm your address to me, I'll add it to my favorites:)

Hi Suzi,
First of all, I do not think she has adhd or something similar at all. I think she is being just a 8 year old girl, that's all!
Probably, she should not have too many choices about what she has to do. I think, and what I do with my 8 year old boy, is to let him know what his chores or things to do are, and what is expected from him (take the trash out and clean his bedroom) Sometimes, he does things differently from what I ask him to do, so instead to get frustrated and raise my tone of voice (like I used to do), I ask him to come and seat down with me and talk to him very low and directly to his eyes, and I repeat what I asked before. I get ALL his attention, and he does what is supposed to be D., so after he does what he is supposed to be D., I praise him or I reward him immediately, so he can notice that he is doing OK. I do that every time, and he is getting better!At this age, they want to be very independent and on their own, and boundaries are very important. I have a very stubborn 8 years old and what I said is working very well. I hope it works for you. Good Luck.

Well Suzi,
I don't really know what to say. I'm going to assume though that she is still being homeschooled and that being said, maybe the teacher needs to come in (meaning you but not mom) and let her know this is what needs to be done. And if she doesn't want to do these things then she will attend public school where she will be told when and how to do things whether or not she wants to. Have you made her out a time sheet for what she should be doing when ? Maybe if you haven't you could and in there you could allow her freetime to do things she wants to do. It's just like for my kids that attend public school, homework first, play later. That is the rule and always has been and always will be.

On the part of you expecting to much of her, do you and if so where do you see you could cut back a little.
But in the same token if you are going to let up she needs to step up and let you see that she can be responsible of her 8 yr old life and responsibilites.
Maybe it's time for you and her to have a good heart to heart and talk to her about it. If nothing else have her write down what she is feeling and thinking in a journal or notebook and you can talk about it openly.
I don't know if any of this helped, W.

Oh and if nothing else what would you do if this was a dck that was supposed to do homework at your house for some reason or another?

I've never had this problem but I would try this. Have her come up with something she really wants. Not extravagant. Tell her she has to get 50 stars / stickers. She can earn one a day for doing what she's told. If she's doing something else I would let her finish but if not I would warn her that if she doesn't do it right now = no star.

L. B