8 Year Old Behavior

Hi D.

I have a 8 year old son and what you have wrote sounds to me like a normal 8 year old boy . My son will get upset at the simpilest things and get mad for no reason just because I did not respond to some thing he said right away. Or if his sister does not do some thing he likes he gets mad . My son does not leave the house with out us knowing . And we do not let him cook with out me or dad being there . I just have learned by talking to my doctor that it is the age were they are learning boundries and that they like to test to see how far and what they can do . Just be there for him and set boundries . Let him know that some things are ok and others are not . Some people have said be really firm with him but some times that makes it worse . Be patient . Good luck

I am a soon to be SAHM 37, with three kids ages 9,6,and 4 all of mine are girls. I do understand about what is going on with the oldest. My oldest gets very upset over the smallest things. Gets mad when the younger two don't do things they way she wants them done. She also is a night owl (like her dad) but she doesn't want to get up early. Have you tried to have him take a bath before bed? We do "play baths" that is when they can just sit in a warm tub and play with toys and not have to have hair washed. That helps to calm them down and get rested for bed. I have found that when my children get enough rest and vitimans with Iron in them they are not as crankie. I hope this helps.

T. C

Hi D.-
Wow! Lots of people have diagnoses for you (by the way Oppositional Defiant Disorder should only be used for adult s because it describes a predilection towards criminality and anti-social attitudes, and is a much too serious diagnosis for a young child!) Maybe you can come away with the understanding that we just love to label and medicate our kids when their behavior becomes unmanageable. Medication is a drastic route, because the first medication is rarely the one that works. You might try several over the course of years and still not find one that helps, but you will definately be dealing with a range of side-effects in the meantime and feeling like your child is becomming a guinnea pig!
Have you considered good old-fashioned family therapy? Working together with a therapist you might come to understand ways that you might be inadvertantly feeding in to your child's behavior. It doesn't mean you are a bad mom - maybe this child is just more sensitive than the others. Working with a professional to help you uncover problematic patterns and to devise new strategies together could really bring you closer to your child, while labeling and attempting to medicate him might push him further away.
It is possible your child might receive a diagnosis eventually, but regardless, you will still need to develop strategies that work to help your family function as it grows, so time in therapy together would not be time wasted - and it would show your child that you are committed to understanding his specific needs and personality style.
Good Luck!
S.

I truly stand by routine and activity. I am a very active mom and I do allow video games (they are all learning games {little does he know}) however, I keep my son very active and just learned a very valuable lesson about totally free time. At night he had an hour to spend in his room doing whatever it was he wanted....(his room is totally kid safe giving him his own "space..") In anycase he took advantage of that and was doing things that were totally unacceptable...(i actually posted about it..he was peeing in his room..) but, I now continue to allow him his free time he just has a shorter amount of it and its in our living room where I can quietly monitor or enjoy it with him.

Aside from all my rambling I think that structure and routine will change even the worst of attitudes! I took care of a little boy for 3 years with ADD and ADHD and diagnosed as Manic...with the help of his mom, a very strict diet, and a strict routine he didnt take any meds. and still doesnt. You are not alone though by any means. I think that consistancy will help not only the 8 year old but also the rest of the children and yourself!! Good luck!!

It looks like you posted this awhile ago and have already received a lot of responses, but I just thought I would add that many of those behaviors sound similar to the behaviors of my 8-year-old son. I did take him in this summer for an evaluation and he is beginning occupational therapy for sensory processing issues. He is also seeing a psychologist for anger management. So far nobody has recommended any medications for him, but we are pursuing talk therapy, decreasing his time with electronics, and increasing the severity of his consequences for bad behvior in addition to the occupational therapy. We are also decreasing his consumption of artificial sweeteners, flavorings and colorings. We have only been doing this for a couple of weeks, but I have noticed some improvement in his behavior. Good luck. You are not alone and there are things that can be done to help. I also second whoever recommended Mary Kurcinka's book and class about sleep. Sleep can make a HUGE difference and I have taken Mary's class; she is wonderful. Her advice really turned around the sleep habits of my 12-year-old.

It sounds like your son is a "normally" emotional child. As far as the sleeping issue goes, try 3.5 mg of Melatonin a half hour before bed and he will sleep all night and have no trouble going to sleep. If he is an early riser you simply need to adjust yours as well. Kids in bed by 8 and up before your son. If he isn't sleeping well it will surely add to his highly emotional status. Holding your son accountable for his chores is very important whether he cries and is dramatic or not. Set clear boundaries for him and enforce them. What was his consequence for leaving the house and going fishing? IF there wasn't one then why not do what he wants? He may feel like he isn't getting any of your attention and he is desperately looking for ways to get it. If children do not get positive attention they will settle for negative attention. Is there a father in the picture? Was there ever? There are many things that could contribute to your sons emotional behavior. Try setting some time aside every day just for your 8 year old. IF the younger ones still nap do it then. IF not try letting the 8 year old stay up at night a half hour longer and make that his special time to talk or read with him or play a game. IF there is a "Father" in the picture make sure your son is having some quality time with him. I am a 51 year old Mom but my kids are grown with kids of their own and I am now a Foster Parent for the past 10 years. We work with troubled kids and I have quite a bit of training in this area and on the job experience.

It sounds as if he may be experiencing some clinical depression. I would recommend you take him to his pediatrician for evaluation. He and you have had some big changes recently and if this behavior is new it may be related to the changes.

THESE ACTIONS YOUR SON DOES SEEM TO BE VERY SIMILAR TO MY COUSINS, HE WILL BE 8 IN OCTOBER. HE IS AUTISTIC AND HAD BEEN DIAGNOSE WHEN HE WAS 2, BUT I DON'T THINK THAT IS YOUR CASE. HE MIGHT BE SLIGHTLY ADHD, BUT TO FIND OUT FOR SURE I'D TALK WITH HIS DOCTOR. OTHERWISE NO MATTER HOW HARD IT MAY SEEM AT TIMES ALWAYS TRY TO KEEP YOUR COOL. WHEN HE'S HAVING A TANTRUM TALK TO HIM IN A MELLOW TONE AND TRY TO GET HIM TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE'S FEELING OR WHY HE THOUGHT HE NEEDED TO DO SOMETHING YOU ASKED HIM NOT TO AT THE MOMENT. REPEAT HIM A LITTLE, SO HE KNOWS YOUR LISTENING AND HOPEFULLY THIS WILL HELP YOU UNDERSTAND WHATS GOING ON IN HIS HEAD AND HELP HIM TO LEARN TO COMUNICATE WITHOUT SCREAMING. BUT I DO STRONLEY RECOMMEND YOU TALKING TO HIS DOCTOR, NOT NECESSARILY ABOUT MEDICATION BECAUSE THOSE CAN DO MORE HARM THAN GOOD. BUT ASK ABOUT SEEING A BEHAVIORAL HEALTH DOCTOR. I HOPE THIS HELPS YOU AND GOOD LUCK!

I have the same problem with my 9 year old daughter.
She is on Lexpro and Concerta it sure helps alot

my daughter sounds just like that. she started with her acting up and crying over anything and getting upset when adult would ask her to do something. homework she likes she to dumb and she cant do it. well bout k grade i started to talk to her doctor to see what she thot. well even if i woulda loved to solve the problem right away it took me and the doctor to figure out that she had odd. oppostional defiant disorder. im not sure if i spelled it right. finallly at age 7 we got her on meds and she calmed down thank fully. she still acts up and still has her days. but we deal with them the best we can. what im trying to suggest maybe talk to his doctor and have him tested for a few things. maybe for bed put him to bed early so that way he gets his full 10 hours or whatever you feel he should get. good luck and hoped this helped

Hi: I read your letter and I feel for you. I think every age has issues and some kids are worse than others with dealing with them. My daughter is 7 and she can been absolutly unbearable to deal with some days with her attitude. The difference of gender does not matter at all times but, I do have a son that is 5 and he is similiar to your son. He acts out with yelling,hitting and also has the same attitude on a lot of days of doomed. I blamed myself because there father and I are divorced and I constantly beat myself up thinking Im a terrible Mom but,my best friend has reassured me a lot of times they all just have different personalities and times just like adults when they are sad or upset and they just dont know any other way to express it then their own individual ways. I think your move might be a adjustment that he maybe angry about but, he will get over it and you will have your sweet little boy back. It may take awhile because I know with my daughter it actually took a good 6 months before she adjusted to the change of divorce and my new boyfriend of a year. My heart goes out to you and just hang on it will get better. I would just try to sit down with him alone one night when he is calm and ask him what is wrong and why is he so angry. People really dont give kids enough credit. They really understand more than you think and I know with my kids I really find out a lot when I just sit and listen to them. They want to be heard just like adults want to. I hope my advice helped and good luck.

Well D...... I don't know how normal this behavior is, but know that you are not alone!! I was reading what you wrote and it sounded like you were talking about my 7 1/2 year old son!!! Your son and my son sound like they could be the same person, so don't think that your a bad mom. I thought that to for a long time, but I have taken my son to be tested for ADHD and thats how we found out that he was not ADHD but had anger issues!! So he has been in anger treatment and that has worked really good!! Maybe ask your doctor and see what they say. Good luck!!

D.,

You wrote this some time ago, but I just came across it. I hope things are going a bit more smoothly for you now. It may be that your son was just blessed with a "garden variety" INTENSE TEMPERAMENT. His behavior could certainly fit the description. These kids are just MORE of everything. Parents of these kids have to work 10x's harder than average parents in responding to the behaviors. THERE IS HOPE, however. You are not alone and there are thousands of parents with kids with the very same behaviors. We could chat for hours about why/how the beahviors develop....anxiety, anger, etc, etc.....BUT...if you would like effective ways to deal with them...
try...

Transforming the Difficult Child by Howard Glasser

AND

Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Kurcinka

AND

Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood

Good luck...be consistent...and always let him know he is loved...especially on the most difficult of days. If you try the techniqes in the books, make sure you give it a matter of months and be consistent. If you meet with no luck...speak to your pediatrician about your concerns.

Best,
W. Young, LMSW, BCD
www.kidlutions.com

This may sound scary to think about but have you thought of having him seen by a child psychiatrist for possible anxiety. My daughter is 6 and what we though was ADHD is really anxiety and possible Bipolar. I have a huge family history of both. Thankfully she does not need medication at this time But if her anxiety does not seem to be getting better or as she gets older it is looking more like bipolar she will have to go on medication. The best place to take him is the wilder child guidance center and have him get on the waiting list to see dr. neuwman. He is the best. he truly does believe in avoiding medicating a child if all possible.

Lack of adeqate sleep can play a HUGE role on a child's behavior! DO you have a regular schedual. I know that was one thing that made a huge difference with my daughter onece we started a bedtime routine. The otherthing that helps is having a "quiet time" for an hour before actual bedtime. It takes a long time for children to go from active to the point where they are ready to sleep. One other thing that often people don't think about is diet. Sme children are not only sensitive to sugar but also food coloring. Those things might be something to watch. Try and see if it makes a difference-avoid ALL food coloring and don't let him eat any refined sugar (ie candy, sweet cereal, soda...)after dinner. Try for a month to see if it helps. Avoid caffein and read stories for awhile before bed. Children that age need AT LEAST 8-10 hours of sleep a night and every litle bit missed adds up! Good Luck!

does he have add? or adhd? Maybe you could try a Pyschologist? I have add as a adult and the behavior sounds similiar. Ask your peditrician. You said you are new to the area where do you live?

D.,
I know you have gotten a lot of responses with very different advice. The first thing that came to my mind was Bipolar Disorder. He has some classic symptoms, but only a psyhciatrist can tell you for sure. Another thing to look into is his tonsils. I know it sounds weird, but children with very large tonsils can have sleep apnea, snoring and trouble sleeping. Often these children are misdiagnosed with ADHD, because due to lack of sleep, they have bad behavior. I would look into both, but definately start with your pediarician. Moms can only give you thoughts/opinions not true medical answers, which you need.

I would suggest setting strict boundaries with your son and sticking to them. You are the parent and are in charge, not your son. Does your child have to burn the house down before you do something about his behavor? It is your job to keep your child safe and to teach him to be a proper citizen. Kids need boundaries and feel safe and secure and behave much better when they have boundaries. Also tell your child what you expect. Tell him what his schedule will be at the beginning of the day and stick to it. If he disobeys discipline him by taking away his favorite things or activities - like no TV or video games for a day or two or a week. You will need to be very consistant. Reward him for good behavor. Praise and encourage. You will need to become a stuck record for several weeks or a month or longer but in the end I promise you will have a better behaved child. Sleep is also a huge factor. Make sure your child gets enough sleep. Get him into bed by 7:30 or 8:00 pm at the latest. I would also watch his diet and make sure he does not get too much sugar. This is going to take a lot of your time but in the end will be worth it. All the best.

I would touch base with the school and it could be possible this is an emotional thing. Or could be dealing with anger issues. (my son who is 8 yrs old is dealing with anger issues) I have talked with the school social worker & she will be doing an assesment on him. Most school districts have extra services for kids that need help with social,emotional and or behavioeal issues. Good luck I do know how you feel!

I am reading this book currently called "the no-cry sleep solution" it's geared toward toddlers and pre-schoolers but the info is applicable across the board. From you post it sounds to me like he might be over tired. You might want to check it out. The Author is Elizabeth Pantley

Have you questioned your pediatrician about these things? From the little that you have said, I don't think his behaviour is that out of hand, although the anxiety issues would have me a little worried. I have an 8 year old daughter that exhibits some of the same things, (especially about the homework)and her teachers told me to have her tested for ADD. We actually ended up seeing a psychologist for testing and then a few times more for emotional issues that I hadn't even realized were above the normal levels. When I first thought about taking her to a psych doc, I was kind of against it. My husband thought I was overreacting, but it turned out to be very low key. My daughter loved the doctor and I believe she got a lot out of the sessions she spent with her. I do not regret it in anyway. It feels reasurring to get a professional's opinion. Especially when your son might be doing dangerous things like using the stove. Is that just blatantly ignoring the rules, or does he have a block in his mind and can't remember that he is not allowed to do that? It wouldn't hurt to muddle through some paperwork to make sure that you are doing everything possible to have your child turn out to be a well adjusted and confident adult someday.

If you are wondering where we went: Children's Psychological Services in Minneapolis ###-###-#### Dr. Paula Pitterle

Hi D., I am a mom of 3 kids ages 5 3/4, 4 1/2 and 7weeks. My daughter who is almost 6 is very similar. Weve even gone so far as to think shes posessed. Anyways we had her evaluated by a behavior specialist at the request of her preschool teacher. She was also evaluated by the school she attended. She was diagnosed with depression and social aniety disorder. They recomended therapy, as well as giving me tips on how to deal with certain behaviors. This has graetly improved her out look on school social situations and decreased somne of her behaviors. They explained that she was wired diff-erently than most children and that just like children who have problems in school with math for example some children can have learning disabilities in social and emotion areas as well. I encourage you to talk with his doctor to find out if he/she thinks he should see someone who specializes in behavior disorders. My daughter saw a dr by the name of Brooks donald his office is located in the health partners on 34th ave so in Minneapolis. their general info number is ###-###-####. Even if you dont use him in my opinion his behavior is not normal and your instincts are correct in seeking help for him. His emotional outburts are his brains lack of ability to cope with everyday situations and with proper help he can be taught techniques to help him bettre succeed in life.

Take care and good luck!

B.

Hi D.
I would suggest you call First Step at ###-###-####. This is an Agency in Scott County that has wonderful information on assesments, identification of developmental concerns and support. Typically they work with children under 5 but please ask them for resource.
M.

WOW!!!!

I'm sorry I don't have any advice for other than your not alone as I'm sure you have figured out. I am have the EXACT same issues with my oldest and he's 10. And I thought it was something I was doing dwrong until I read this. I guess I'm not alone and neither are you. I think its just pre-teen syndrom and its only going to get worse that robably didn't help any, but hang in their I guess thats all that we can do so Good Luck to all the moms having this problem and I'll keep you in my prayers.

I saw this class and thought that it might help you. Good luck

Sleepless in America: Is Your Child Misbehaving or Missing Sleep?
A Night with Author Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
Date:Thursday, September 21, 2006
Time:7:00 to 9:00 p.m.
Location:Best Buy Corporate Offices
7601 Penn Ave S
Richfield, MN 55423 Cost:$10 per individual; $15 per couple; $20 per person at the door
Does your child have trouble getting to sleep? Do you and your child have a power struggle each night at bedtime? Get practical advice from Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, author of Sleepless in America and Raising Your Spirited Child. According to Kurcinka, "Sound sleep is the foundation of good behavior." Temper tantrums, irritability and other unwanted behaviors can be scaled back dramatically if parents ensure their children get enough sleep. Using advice and case studies from parents who have participated in her workshops, you will learn:

the scientific link between lack of sleep and children's behavioral problems;
insights on why children do not go to sleep;
how parents' fatigue can affect their children;
using tension management to foster good sleeping habits;
how to establish bedtime routines tailored to individual children's needs;
how parents can reset their child's body clock to avoid sleepless nights and morning battles.
Cost includes a two-hour presentation, question and answer session and book signing. Register now (PDF, 21 KB) or contact Molly McCauley at ###-###-#### or ____@____.com. Download a seminar brochure (PDF, 57 KB).