7Th Graders "Dating"

no way. 13 is WAY too young to be dating. There is plenty of time to learn about boundries and things like that. 13 might be the begining of the teenage years, but it's still way too young to be doing adult things like dating. I was 18 when I had my first boyfriend. 19 when I met my husband and 21 when we got married. When I was 13, I was busy hanging out with my girl friends to even think about boys yet

i dont believe we've gone back in time and kids have gotten more innocent but I can tell you that when I was 13 I was the only girl in the neighborhood who had never "french kissed" anyone. In fact the day I kissed someone was because around 20 kids decided I waited to long (I was then 14) so they decided I was going to kiss one of them. I can also say most of them werent J. kissing, and when I hit 15 I was doing more than kissing too. I don't think that dating at 13 is as innocent as you think. Atleast as soon as hormones hit the boy it wont be. Now is the time to educate her and talk about her hopes and thoughts on intimacy and risks involved...
J. sayin

I didn't have a pre-determined age for my daughter dating (she is now 18 and a freshman in college). Fortunately, she was WAY too busy with softball and school to even think about dating until her Junior year. She had a lot of guy friends on the baseball and football teams. She also hated to see the drama that her friends went through with boys when they were younger.

I think your attitude is "right on."

She is dating on training wheels. This is a perfect time for her to start to figure things out and for you to guide her.

If you do not "allow dating" you are not "allowing" a discussion with your child about it.

I was shy and timid and not so into young dating anyway, but my family was big on teasing and my mom was big on relentlessly telling EVERYTHING that could go bad in EVERY situation. The end result is that I never sought my parents advise on any dating situation (even in my teens and twenties) and looking back on it, I REALLY wish I could have had it. I went through lots of really rough patches all by myself. I was always so jealous of my friends who talked to their parents about boyfriends and problems that they had.

I agree with your friend.

Like you, I had my first boyfriend at 13 who also tried to put his tongue down my throat. It is a disservice to allow our girls to be put into this situation when they are clearly too young to 1) be kissing, 2) deal with the heartache of breaking up, and 3) deal with the feelings of love.

However the "relationship" goes, it will end with trouble.

I am with you on allowing "dating" but I also had a friend who, like your friend, didn't permit it.

Her daughter ended up sneaking a boyfriend, having make-out sessions after school and getting way deeper into the whole relationship thing than I believe the girl really wanted to go. Because she was forbidden from having a boyfriend, she couldn't go to her parents for guidance. Eventually she got caught and after a long discussion with her parents, she was allowed to "date" as long as they knew the boy.

I think I would rather have my teenager's relationship out in the open than sneaking behind the school's dumpsters any day.

I think you did fine. I think it's great that she felt safe talking to you. My opinion is that kids don't just magically know what to do just because they had a birthday and are of "the age" to date. We do a disservice to our children with that type of mentality! I feel that by letting her try a little, but being involved and there to talk to, you are able to guide her through some basic decision making and confidence building steps so that she's more prepared later on when it's "real" dating. Of course, if kids are just left alone to "date" at 7th grade, not much good could come of it. But learning some real basics with an involved parent is a good thing.

When I was in 7th grade, I was "going with" a boy that I am still friends with, 24 years later! My dad used to say "where ya going?" when I'd mention (or he'd overhear) that I was going with ___. It'd just make me roll my eyes and say "DAD!" He would get a kick out of that. But mom---it's interesting, looking back now with adult eyes, to know that she was guiding and teaching me, even though I didn't really realize it. She'd say "What I really like about __ is how he asked my permission to take a walk with you first-that showed respect and courage." (the very first time we did something out of school or the public pool). She knew where we were at all times (not allowed at his house, but we could go to my house---bedroom door ALWAYS open, or to the public pool (she knew the lifeguards there on a first name basis), and a couple times we went to the mall and ate at Casa Ole, or went to the movies with 5 other kids (including my little brother), we all went in 2 cars, dropped off by 2 moms. But she knew what was going on, talked to his mom, it was a little independence but in a dose my 12 year old self could handle. We did have hormones and some desire to get away, but seriously, there wasn't opportunities for that, lol. We just hugged and kissed but not open mouth. We moved away a year later, and were pen pals. Now we talk on FB once in a blue moon, and phone a couple times. My husband actually likes him; they talk more than we do. It was just a childhood thing but no "real" anything ever developed.

There was another boy before him, who DID kiss me with his tongue. (Mom let me go over there but his mom was different....I almost felt pushed and pressured from her to be with her son, which was very very strange). I actually "broke up" with him because his mom kind of scared me and didn't act like mine. I talked to my mom about it and she helped me with how to do it in a cool way that didn't hurt feelings, and also encouraged me that I was making the right choice and doing well following my instinct about that mom. But the tongue kiss WAS gross (ha!). So I didn't do that with the guy I just mentioned. Because I didn't want to ruin it all with grossness. :P I think that did give me the power later to say no when I wanted to say no, and to not give in to weird pressure.

I have a girl AND a boy and my stance on the issue was absolutely NO.

I was seriously shocked when "dating" became an issue when my daughter was in the 4th grade. Some moms actually thought it was cute for kids to "go steady", hold hands, give gifts, and even kiss each other. The school had a policy against it and the moms became up in arms because they felt what their kids did was none of the school's business even though it was going on at school. The teachers wouldn't let them have desks near each other. The teachers wouldn't let them sit together and hold hands at lunch and recess and kiss each other. We're talking 4th graders.
One of the moms tried to suck me in and get me to help change the school policy and I told her I wanted no part of it. I thought kids that young thinking they were in "relationships" wasn't cute, it was inappropriate and stupid.
She never spoke to me again. As if I cared.

I live in a small town and luckily I didn't have to do much to enforce my rules. My son is a Junior in high school and although he has many girls who are friends, he is not interested in "dating" any of them. He's grown up with the same group of kids and by now, most of the girls he knows have had about 140 boyfriends since middle school. It was the same thing for my daughter. Someone is boyfriend/girlfriend one week, fighting the next, broke up and off to someone else. It's all a bunch of drama that's ridiculous for kids so young.
There are going to be crushes. It's inevitable that kids are going to have feelings for someone. However, chances that someone you like turning out to the the lifelong love of your life are very slim at best and I think as parents, we need to guard our kids hearts a bit.
It's not like people get married off as teenagers anymore. I think it's strange in this day and age that really young kids are so eager sometimes to pair off.
My kids both know girls that have gotten pregnant at 14, 15, 16. It's sad. The girls are devastated to realize that a 14, 15, 16 year old boy has no capacity for being a father and financially supporting a family.
Fortunately or unfortunately, those circumstances have been the best form of birth control for my kids.

This is just my opinion.
I didn't allow "dating" at that age and neither of my kids had a problem with it.

Best wishes.

I'm thinking it's just too young. I have a GD who just turned 10 so I'm sure I'll have to deal with this within the next couple of years, but I think I am going to encourage her not to "date" anyone until she's a bit older. Notice I said "encourage" because I know that she is going to do what she wants to do while out of my sight. I took the rose colored glasses off long ago!

I agree with you, kids are going to do this whether parents are "allowing" them to or not. My parents did not allow me to date until I was 16. This meant I could not go on a date alone with a boy until age 16. However, I could go out with guys in groups of friends at age 15, and my parents didn't mind if I had 'boyfriends' at school (although I didn't until age 15, I was SO shy). I was also never, under any circumstances, allowed to call a boy on the telephone. (My Mom was really old-fashioned in thinking that boys should call girls, not the other way around, and if a girl called a boy, she was *gasp* a HARLET! lol) I intend to have these same rules for my daughters, other than the telephone one, although I do intend to monitor their text messaging.

I think you're doing great! My oldest son is in 8th grade, and he had his first and only "girlfriend" last year. It lasted about 3 weeks. They never went anywhere, and only saw each other in science class and at a friends house when a group of them got together on Fridays (with parents at home). They had one innocent kiss. They mutually decided to break up because they so rarely saw each other anyway. I thought that was mature of them. Neither of them were hurt by the experience.

Since then, my son hasn't had any interest in finding another "girlfriend." He has friends who are obsessed with girls, and it irritates him because they are texting all the time. I teach high school, and I hear about all the craziness that goes on, and have so many teen parents in my classes. My son hears all of those stories from me, so he's not in any hurry to move too quickly. I'm hoping he will continue to talk to me, and will make good decisions in the future.

First off, I think it's great that your daughter feels comfortable talking to you. That is a great start!! I have a 6th grader my self and don't let him date, but I have spent a lot of time explaining to him why. He's still a kid, and while he is growing and maturing ins many ways, he still enjoys the benefits of being a kid. Dating involves grown-up emotions and actions. If dating is only to learn about what kind of person you are looking for, why not do that as friends? Friends show who they really are more often while dating offers a chance to show someone your "good side". If dating is what is going to lead to a more permanent relationship, then why start it in 7th grade when you don't even know what your employment will be let alone what you will look for in a potential mate! Kids have enough pressures just growing up, why add one more? :)

Why couldn't you have the same conversation with your daughter that you had with your friend. I'm sure she'd appreciate the insight from your experiences (and probably be grossed out that mom ever went steady with a boy!).

I was a late bloomer socially.
I lost a few friends because they were SO into boys long before I was.
I was not interested in learning about their preferred methods of birth control (some were sexually active already at 13).
But then most of them were not AP students, and I was and I didn't have the time for the drama and nonsense that most of them lived for back then.
Our house rule is no dating till 16.
My son's 13 and in 7th grade and he is not interested in dating at this time.
There are a few girls he thinks are not totally gross, but the rest of them are too in love with their own looks/fashion/makeup to be very interesting.
He's in gifted classes and worries about maintaining his straight A's (which he does - he puts in the effort and he shouldn't worry as much as he does, but that's just him).
His friends that go girl crazy start dropping their grades.
Relationships take some maturity and most (not all) 12/13 yrs olds don't have it.
The school my son goes to does not allow personal displays of affection - no hand holding, no kissing, no hugging.
We've got 3 more years till he's permitted to date, and he doesn't have to if he's still not interested.

We don't do dating. Our children are on board with it. None of their friends date either, so it is normal to them. We homeschool. We don't have the ps situation and great peer influence. Once they are prepared financially, emotionally, and spiritually, they begin to look for a spouse. Before then, we see dating primarily as divorce training (fall in "love," have those intense feelings/lust, get bored, break up, have a broken heart, get used to it, and on to the next one... lather, rinse, repeat...). We don't want that for our kids. We don't judge others for it, we just want something that we feel is better for our kids. We think that the direction our culture is going is wrong, and we are trying to salvage something better from it for them and for our future generations. So, 7th grade, um, no. They are children. Let them be children.

I think its too young to start personally. Kids are getting more sexually active younger and younger, and the younger the start, they more likely they will get even more envolved at an early age. They are still kids. I don't mind them going in groups and hanging out, but dating should be reserved for older ages. There is so much change right at this time, its already a lot to deal with. I had a friend who started dating at 13, and got married at 14, pregnant with her first...of course they divorced a few months later. Anyway, its just my opinion...let kids be kids, they have plently of time to grow up and practice relationships. But even though I dont believe the same as you, good for supporting your kid in their decision!

I had my first boyfriend in 5th grade. We were "going out" at school. Which really just meant that we "liked" each other, and we sent each other notes.
Same thing in 7th-8th grade.

I think it's totally normal at that age, and like you said, a great way to learn boundaries and comfort levels.
Good for your daughter in knowing and what she doesn't want, and standing up for herself!

I feel the same as your friend . . . on the other hand my sisters allow it with their kids. They don't judge me and I don't judge them. All of our kids are good kids with strong values.

I just don't feel like my kids need "practice" with something they're not ready for anyway. I'm always amazed when other parents are surprised that teen males act the way they do. No kidding. They're males with little impulse control. That takes some guys well into their 20's to develop.

Likewise I'm not surprised when teen girls are overly impressed with the power of their own young, firm bods.

I'm not excusing either behavior. Its like any powerful force of nature - important but should be handled with care or it WILL burn you.

JMO.

It gives me comfort to know I'm not alone...my 13 yr old has a boyfriend...he lives 10 hours away, which makes it the perfect relationship! They are both still naive and barely hold hands when they do see each other. (he was just up for the weekend and his dad took my daughter to Chicago for the day and then he spent the day w/ us on Sunday...always out in the open, always w/ us or brother around. But they were sweet...took a lot of pictures and they text and skype to keep in touch. (his mom is one of my best friends, too, so we both keep tabs.)

I read the letters and cards he sends her, she shows me texts from him and I keep tabs, but honestly, I trust her...plus, since she has a boyfriend, she won't date anyone here that she is going to want to constantly see!!! :)

I think it's ok, as long as it's monitored, there are rules and there is open communication. I agree that when you try to stop it, there begins the sneaking and then other, bigger things can happen...I've seen it happen too many times!

It's all in what a parent remembers from their childhood and how much they trust their own child, I think. We have very open communication in my house...in that I say on a regular basis..."make good decisions, you know what I expect." Then proceed to tell them what I expect. Even when they act like they aren't listening, they hear every word.

(I, too, had my first kiss at that age...wowsa...seems so young now!!!!)

I'm with you on this one. I'll never forget my first "boyfriend" We were in 6th grade and we went to a movie one time. I knew his school schedule and everything. Ahhhh... young love. Then we "broke up" 3 weeks later. I don't even remember why we did. I think he hugged me after the movie. haha

I agree with you that forbidding it isn't going to happen.. Like you said, they will do it and it will just be at school. I also agree that it's WONDERFUL that your daughter was who she was. This will show her how to act 5 years down the road in a future relationship. She was true to who she was and she stood up to that. I love it! I also love that you 2 are open with each other and she was able to tell you all this. My mom was so YOU CAN'T DATE!!! That I wouldn't have ever told her about my 1st "boyfriend". And I think that being open with her will only help as she ages and has more issues with boys than a kiss.

I hope to be a mother like you when my son is older and "dating" haha

My first "boyfriend" was in the 7th grade. We walked in groups to the movies on weekends. We kissed in school - closed mouth!! (eeewww to open then!!).

My daughter didn't have her first boyfriend until 8th grade. They held hands and went places together.

My son will be in the 7th grade this Fall. We'll see what happens. I'm not going to say "NO" to "dating" as long as its in a group. If they go to the movies - darned tooting I'll most likely be sitting in the back row watching them too.

I personally think it's too young. I was first asked out at 10 and it was by and older boy. I didn't know how to handle it. It was over the phone and I told him "no" and I said it was because I didn't know him well enough. Then, I started thinking how embarrassing it was that I wasn't even shaving my legs yet. I started that the next year.
My parents were very strict and I was shy. So, the next time I was asked out I was 17! I was wishing for years it would happen. By that time, I was on the older spectrum. A lot of my friends had boyfriends.
I think the right age is around 15 or 16 but every person is different. My son is only 3, so I have no experience parenting on this issue. Good luck!

I had one friend who was not allowed to "date" until 16, and she is the one who snuck boyfriends. She was a good girl, but with her parents unaware ended up in a situation where a 13 year old tried to force her to perform oral sex. On the other hand, my parents put no such restrictions on me and my sisters and it was a toss up. I had a summer camp boyfriend that I was too embarrassed to even talk to let alone kiss, and then didn't have one again until college. My sisters on the other hand went through boyfriends like klenex and one's boyfriend snuck into our house at age 14 and coerced her to have sex. The family policy that I witnessed that worked out best was the family that had no age restrictions for "dating", but that they could only date as part of family outings and functions. Not even group dates, just time with the family. I think the most important thing is to tell your kids how ridiculous it is to date in middle school, and that they should only have "friends", and not be put in akward situations at this age with breakups, and X's. If they do it anyway, at least they will have learned a good lesson- parents are usually right.

You are lucky, that your daughter told you all of this.

Next: I remember when I was in 7th grade. Girls and boys, take interest in each other. They don't know what a boyfriend or girlfriend is and yes, some think of the other person as a "possession" to control. So per girls, you need to teach them that NO boy, can control them etc.

Next: when I was that age... boy and girls went out in a group. As friends. The parents would drop them off say at the movies or amusement center. And then pick them up at a certain time. BUT, once the parents dropped off their kids to meet their friends.... some of the boys or girls would then separate off. And pair up. And then, separate from their group of friends and go and make-out and grope each other etc. Of course, the kids pre-planned all of this. And of course the parents did NOT know.
Then, by the time the kids were to be picked up, they went back to their group of friends and waited for the parent to pick them up. All the while, the parents are UNAWARE of this and that their child, may have been with their "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" separated from their other friends, and making-out etc.

So, some kids, do this. Even when I was that age.
And the parents do not know.
They of course, do not tell their parents.
So.... it is not only about what the parents are permitting or not of their child and "dating."
Because, some kids don't tell their parents anything.