7 Year Old Dtr Taking things.....help Needed.....

Sorry to hear about the situation, which sure is stressful for all of you -- your daughter included. It sounds like she doesn't even want the items she's stealing, but maybe she does want the attention she gets from you and her dad when she steals. I'm not saying you don't already give her great attention! But sometimes younger kids don't have the skills yet to express that they want more, or different, interactions, or they're unhappy about something they haven't told you about, or their medications make them feel funny, etc. And when they lack the communications skills, sometimes they behave in ways that get them "negative attention." Though adults often wonder why a kid would do something wrong just to get negative attention, it's still a way for the kid to interact with the parent. Does she have outside activities other than school? Friends who come play, classes that interest her, sports, dance, art, etc.? Does she have hobbies and can you redirect her time to a hobby where you participate with her? That doesn't directly address the stealing, but it does give her things to be good at, and times she spends just with you.

To address the stealing: Is she getting any behavioral counseling to go along with the ADHD medications? Maybe she needs it. In the meantime, I'd go to her school counselor today (without your daughter present) and talk about the situation -- counselors often have very good ideas and have seen things you wouldn't believe; very likely the counselor has dealt with this same question before. Don't wait, though -- it sounds like you've dealt with this well so far, but still want input since it's continuing, so get professional input today. Good luck and keep on being consistent and loving.

What does her therapist say? Why does she think she needs to save to take care of you? Maybe she saw or heard something that scared her or made her confused about what to think so is taking things as a way of gaining some sense of 7 year old control?

I've worked with children of all ages and heard 'i don't know' sooooo many times. One technique that has worked very well, especially when you know they know the answer to 'yes' 'no' questions is "I promise I'm not going to ask you a question that you don't know the answer to so if you don't want to tell me the answer it's ok to say you don't want to tell me". This let's them know that you know something is up and sets the stage for addressing any fears she might have around telling the truth.

I hope whatever is happening in her young mind that is distressing her enough to do these things resolves soon...staying in close communication with her therapist is a good idea. At some point many kids steal to see if they can and what they can get away with, but it sounds like there may be more to this so I wish you all well getting through this.

Edit: also it's always a good idea to explore the emotions and thought driving behavioral problems so a good therapist won't view this in strictly behavioral terms. There are behavioral techniques to use (sounds like you are doing many of those things already) in combination with communication strategies that are age appropriate to help young children make sense out of the things they 'do'. A good therapist will approach both of these things and not normalize according to diagnosis...a diagnosis of ADHD can oftentimes just be a label that prevents loving family members from looking deeper into the issue per therapist input. I'm not saying to over react or over internalize, but to simply use your therapist as a tool for helping to uncover what's really going on with your daughter whatever that may be.

Might be a good time to re-evaluate medication as well? Medication for ADHD can have psychological side effects that she may not know how to communicate or even understand.

Lying and stealing are hard to fight. I just want to say that when she says, "I don't know", she's being totally honest---she doesn't know why. I used to steal change from my folks when I was a kid, and when asked why, I couldn't explain it, either. This is normal for kids. They want what they want, when they want it, and they lie to avoid getting in trouble. Simple. I think you'll get better results without dwelling on the why. "It's against the rules, because it's wrong to take things that aren't yours and say things that aren't true." Just keep rewarding her profusely for good behavior, and continue to show her that lying and stealing will be punished consistently, same as breaking any other rule. We tend to give those 2 things more weight than other bad behaviors, which makes them seem "special", when they're really just another lesson that we need to teach our kids, so they can get along in society.

Kleptomania is a mental disorder where people steal things that have little value or they don't need. I have heard of this in adults but not children. I think you need to have her evaluated by a child psychologist. There is something going on here and she is not able to verbalize what that is.
I don't think you are doing anything wrong but there is something going on with her. Ongoing visits with a psychologist will help you figure out what she needs.

Hi Stephanie,

I agree with everything the other mom's said about OCD and talking with her Drs and the meds and that she really may not know why she is doing it...

One additional thing I did want to mention that I read somewhere and I use this with my daughter, especially when she was younger. Instead of asking her if she did something that you already know she did, simply either tell her you know she did it (if you do KNOW) or ask her to fix what she did. Asking her if she did it is sort of like a trap, and it can hurt the trust between you because it sets you up to "catch her" rather than "help her".

So, next time just say "please return the mouse to my computer desk" or "please go get the change and put it in this pail instead of your room" and then you can focus on some 'we always put things back when we get them from someone else' - so it's non-emotional and she doesn't feel like she has made you mad or let you down.
Maybe focus on the behavior rather than the reason - because bottom line, in life it doesn't really matter WHY - just that she learn how to control the impulse or correct the behavior. (The why is important when they are kids so you can figure out why and then figure out a way to change whatever is going on).

Good Luck!

I had two thoughts- they may be off-base, but worth mentioning.

1)Does she have any OCD tendencies? She could feel compulsive need to steal something, even though it isn't logical to you or her.

2)Has she recently been made to stop a "bad habit" (nail biting, nose picking, etc.)? Some kids will replace one bad habit for another. We all have habits for stress relief, relaxation. Our pedi once told me to let my daughter have her habit, it was better than sooo many other alternatives that she may pick.

Like the others said, definitely worth mentioning to her Dr. or counselor. Sounds like you are good parents with good instincts. Hope you figure it out soon!

edit: thought of another possibility. She may be just feeling the thrill of rebellion, and her consequences haven't been severe enough to trump the thrill. In which case a very meaningful consequence is in order. Good luck!