6 Y/O Son's "New" Habits??

1) a friend clued me into the "stupid sixes".... Which was a huge relief. What it is: every single rule and standard of behavior you have ever taught (and that they mastered 4 years ago): gets forgotten & you have to reteach it. Every simple task they have ever been as to do ((putting on shoes, refilling toilet paper, (not peeing on the floor), putting their arms through sleeves, putting food in their mouths instead of dropping it, getting out of bed without taking the sheets off, using a tissue)) becomes this monumentally difficult task that they are seemingly convinced is actually impossible (or unfair). Your formerly chatty, inquisitive, and thoughtful child's speech degrades into the following 4.5 phrases: I can't, I did (when they didn't), It wasn't me, & I don't know. (Half phrase is staring at you, possiy drooling) as if they have NEVER heard what you're saying before, and may not actually understand it.

Oh, joy. Stupid Sixes.

Fortunately, its actually a sign of a cognitive emotional LEAP (wanted milestone). But its annoying and frustrating. Fortunately, its just a phase that passes. Patience, repetition, and consistency-consistency-consistency.

((7's are lovely, 8's are highly emotional mood swing lovebug/demonchild... Aka Crazy-8s, 9's are 9 going on 30 (or 16)).

2) Those things the other kid did may or may not have happened. Part of that cognitive emotional milestone includes lying. Mostly to see what happens, or in a 'what if' scenario, or to be able to tell the truth without getting in trouble (as in both were doing what he sai she was).

I'm not saying your kiddo IS lying, just that its reeeeeeeally common for kids this age to come to parents after the fact and talk about "WHY DIDN'T YOU GET ME???" types of stories. Some are very true (they wanted to handle on their own), some are partly true (it wasn't just their friend, or they were throwing things up, but what IF they were throwing stuff at the wall? And what if they were mean/angry about it? Or wouldn't listen when I said stop -when the friend did listen-, or what if, what if, what if variations on a true base), and some are pure fiction (how would mom react if this happened?)

Six is an interesting year.

I agree with AV - he is testing you to see whether he can get away with those things and also, perhaps, in some way reassuring himself of his own boundaries. It's really common - kids are monkey see/monkey do little creatures. (Also, 6-year-old boys will always think spitting is hilarious. Sigh.)

Brats will be brats. There's at least one in every class. Make it clear that you expect him to abide by YOUR rules and make good choices, no matter how his friends behave. I wouldn't encourage him to socialize with these kids, although I know that gets tricky with the ones who live in the neighborhood. I agree with AV, if they're going to play, have them play at your house so you can keep an eye on them. Point out his good behavior and reward him for it, and enforce logical consequences for inappropriate behavior. He'll get it.

As for the little girl who was being obnoxious, 6-year-olds are still figuring out what and when to tell grownups. They get instructed not to tattle, and they don't always realize when they really should. We go by this rule of thumb: If another child is (1) harming herself, (2) harming someone else, or (3) harming property, then an adult needs to know.

I would keep a closer eye on play dates for a bit. Something I have told my DD is that it doesn't matter if so and so does whatever. I expect HER to know better and to not do those things. He is seeing if he can get away with those behaviors at home and you need to keep reminding him you expect better of him, no matter where he picked up the bad habit. And when I see DD doing the right thing vs the wrong one (re-evaluating her own behavior), I praise her for doing what she was supposed to.

Even older kids don't always speak up about problems. Friend's 12 yr old didn't tell us that her seat was being kicked by the kid behind her til the movie was over and we told her that she needed to speak up. We couldn't fix what we didn't know (her mom would have said something or one of us would have switched seats with her).

If your son is often a follower vs a leader, consider ways to help him evaluate situations on his own and/or to be a leader sometimes, so that he is confident in doing something different.

He doesn't tell you because he's only six. Your expectations are a little high, in terms of expecting him to monitor and correct other people's behavior at six years old.

What you do is correct him whenever he displays behavior you don't like. It shouldn't take more than once. It's not common for a six year old to spit on the carpet, even if he's seen others spit, so I don't think you can blame "other" kids for what your son does. If he is screaming and yelling at you, there is something you are doing wrong -- it is not because he saw other kids doing it. Like Mamazita said, I'm not trying to blame you -- kids try stuff out -- but you are the one who is responsible for your kid's actions. Don't blame other kids.

Just calmly give him consequences, just as you would do for anything else.

I agree with Mamazita.

All kids are exposed to outside influences all the time, at school, the park, in the media etc. If he is coming home and "trying out" these new behaviors, well he's doing it because he thinks he CAN.
I am not bashing/blaming you, because obviously you are a concerned mom! Just be careful of blaming his behavior on other kids, or what he sees on TV, etc. That is NEVER an excuse and HE needs to know that. Anytime he says "well Jimmy does it" you just turn it right back on him and say "I don't care what Jimmy does in our family we do not (fill in the blank.)"
Trust me, this is a mantra you will be repeating well into his teens, just BE CONSISTENT and he will be fine.
As far as the naughty girl at your house? Maybe he didn't say anything because he was afraid of her? Tell him he NEEDS to tell you if anyone is hurting him, or the dog, or being destructive in general. If she's as bad as you say she is I personally wouldn't let her play at my house unsupervised.

It's great to continue having conversations with him about different behaviors, but it is not age appropriate to expect him to know without rules.

Rules are very age appropriate:
1. No throwing toys.
2. No spitting in the house.
3. Always be nice to the dog.

As we mature, we begin to understand why these are the rules and why society needs rules. It's important to have these conversations now, but it's not realistic to think this will be enough.

It's also important to teach him that each place and each authority figure will have a set of rules and that some of these rules will be different. There may be some rules at school that you don't have at home, and there may be some rules at home that you don't have at school. The same applies to Grandma's house (we've had that one since our oldest was 2.)

You're philosophy is just so great! I don't always have patience for adults that follow rules just because it's the rule without having the ability to understand why and to be able to adapt when an exception arises. That is life! We need to be able to think things through. Great life lesson!!!

You have many, many more years of this. Rinse and repeat.
This is your job for the next 12 years. You do have unrealistic expectations for telling you about the girl and he has them for spitting on the floor and thinking its ok! Just keep talking and know this is a process!

You son is not worried about consequences from you it sounds like to me. I would tell him no spitting one time. After that he would not spit again in the house or he'd be disciplined and remember it. As for the brat girl mistreating the dog and throwing toys, etc. I would tell him when he has someone doing that he is tell you because the dog is alive and needs protection from people who are mean to animals. It's his job to help protect the dog, his pet. As for throwing the toys, do you think he just stood there politely while the girl threw toys against the wall? I would wonder if both weren't doing it but of course you don't know and I definitely don't know but I would supervise more when kids are over and check on things often. I know boys think spitting is 'cool' or whatever the word of the day is. Tell him it isn't. That is is full of germs, messy, rude and not acceptable. Then tell him what will happen for discipline when he does it, if he does. And then do it immediately. Consistently.

To respond to the part about the friend misbehaving, this is a really tough thing for kids. First - they are starting to get the whole "don't be a tattler" thing. Plus, it is hard for a child to balance being "in charge" of their friends' behavior. We had this issue with some former (thank goodness) neighborhood kids. My husband would tell my son that he needed to be sure his friends were treating the toys right, acting appropriately, etc, but then would tell him not to be so bossy to the kids. Talk about a rock and a hard place! (yes - I explained to my husband it was too much to expect from a first grader!!!!). Plus - he may have not wanted to "tell" on the girl if her mom and/or dad were there. I hated when people got in trouble as a kid!

Maybe tell him that next time you want him to quietly pull you aside and tell you. Then you could just happen to walk into the room and see for yourself.

i agree with everything AV said.. the spitting is something you need to handle, and quick. My best guess is that the other boys at school think its funny.. the one who does it gets a big laugh from everyone else , making the other want to do it too.. My cousins 9yr old has been doing this for the past year at least.. when he and his friends start to rough house he starts spitting.. its disgusting.. his parents yell at him and he doesnt care.. ill tell you one thing, he wouldnt dare do it around grandma.. she grabs him by his arm n drags his butt to his room.. shes the only one that gets through to him... just saying D stop it.. does nothing.. even his friends are getting tired if it.. its one thing to spit but to spit at someone is just gross
you need to make it 100% clear to him that you wont tolerate behavior like this from him or any one else while they are at your house and you expect him to act the same way no matter where he is.. as far as telling you when things are going on that shouldnt be.. im sure he'd heard the expression "taddle tail" before and probably doesnt want to be that.. just explain to him that its not taddling if its something that you know someone should not be doing tahts bothering him or someone else

You can tell him what you family rules are, such as "we use indoor voices", "we respect each others property", "we clean up after ourselves", "we keep our hands to ourselves", "we ask before we do" etc. I post these rules on the back of the door for my kids and their friends. They will prevent some things, but you can't really predict all the foolish things kids are tempted to do. Kids learn by taking risks and making mistakes. He spits on the carpet, you explain it is wrong and he shouldn't do it again. Make sure there are consequences (ie, he has to clean it). Some kids learn quickly, some need to be told again and again.

Time for some golden rule lessons. Point out that he doesn't like to be yelled at or spit at, and no one else does either. This is a stage all kids go through (again and again) and it will get better as the novelty of it wears out and he gets tired of being treated this way. Also, make sure the example your setting is the one you want him to follow. Kids have a way of always seeing us at our 'oops' moments.