5 Year Old Being Negatively Influenced.

I wish I could give you the advice that you need, but I am also in the same situation. I have 3 boys from my ex, and face the same things you do. The difference is that my boys think that their dad is the greatest. He is verbally and mentally abusive to me and the boys. My son (11) just wrote about him as his hero, and I had to receive the award because his dad "couldn't be there". Recently, I met with a lawyer for these reasons. I am at a loss, and so was my attorney on what to do. He is just a bully to the boys, and they are now starting to be the same way. He claims he is always "joking" when he puts someone down...(myself or one of the boys). He puts himself before anything else, and I end up being the scape goat from the kids. He tells the kids he pays for everything for us, and that he doesn't need to pay anything in addition to child support. He blames everything on me. It only gets worse when they get a little older. The boys are in counseling, and hopefully someday they will see it clearly. I just try to take the "high road" and not to play into his mind games. I stay positive about him, even when he puts me down to the children. It may seem like I am a pushover, but in the long run, I hope it pays. I divorced him for these reasons, and I refuse to raise my boys to think that these ways are right.

Sorry this doesn't help much, but I just wanted you to know you are not alone with this. It puts a pit in my stomach for you, especially because you have a daughter. At least my boys have each other to stay strong with when they are with their dad.

Good luck.
K.

OH BOY do I know this story so well and I hate to say it your Ex will never, ever change. You are going to have to encourge her everyday. My advice, if she is in school get her involved with the Girl Scouts, like Dasies or Brownies and take her to CCD or Sunday school, so basically take her to church. The more you surround her with the good the less she is to take on the bad. But I have to tell you 1/2 of her is his DNA and it's stinks when you see some of the same traits come out later in the teen years. I am going through it. Plus the other piece is cut out her visits a bit if you legally can. He is not doing any good in her life when he is there, she is lucky to have a Stepfather in her life. If you do some of this I am sure you will notice as she get's older she will form her own opinion and she won't want to go with him. Sports, Girl Scouting, Friends, etc. will be come more important. Never, ever, ever say anything bad about him, just reassure her that you know daddy wasn't very nice to say that and encourage her to think about what would have been a nice thing to say. I have had to train my daughter that sitting in the front seat wasn't the place for her to be!! My Ex used to pick her up and drive with her in the front seat and it made me nuts! I had to train her when she saw a match or a lighter laying around to always report it to a grown up, because he left his stuff in the wrong place. Or when she was 9 had to talk to her about her period and I would stuff little pads in her over night kit because I was afraid it would come and she would be deathly afraid to tell him. The other not so fun time, when she came home from a school vacation time, she spent a few days and told me that "daddy was drinking and driving" -- let me tell you you are going to have to keep teaching her all the time and it's never going to stop. Especially if you don't want him to poision her.

Keep your chin up and if you are doing the right things, keep doing them! It will work out in the end .. I am currently in the preteen she is 12 1/2 soon to be 13 in July and so far I have heard nothing but good things about her from teachers & parents and that makes me feel so much better that I have been doing the right thing! I am even a Co-leader for her Girl Scout troop this year and it feels good to be part of her life outside of home and school this past year and I am hoping if she wants to continue Girl Scouts I will continue to be a co-leader so I am on top of it all the time.

Hi J.,
This is a really tough one. My only suggestion is that maybe if you try to have a conversation with your exabout it, but come at it from a different angle, to keep him from getting defensive. This is what I mean: It's obvious you have taught your daughter right from wrong, and that it is actually coloring her perception of her dad, which it should. However, if you come at it with him from the angle of "I'm really concerned for you, because I really want our daughter to respect you, and I just need to let you know that she's starting to notice x, y, and z, and ask questions about why Daddy does that. I will not speak badly about you to her, but I wanted you to know that she's asking, and that she's at an age where she's very sensitive about these things." This might or might not help, but at least you will have said it, with concern for him. As far as your daughter, it sounds like you and your husband are doing everything right, and that that your daughter has responded wonderfully to your parenting. She obviously has picked up your values, so just keep doing what you're doing, which is all you can really control anyway. I think your positive influence on her, and that of your husband will prevail in the long run. Hang in there.

It sounds to me like your DOING the right things!!

My suggestion (as a child of divorce...) If you are (and it doesn't sound like it... but just in case) don't talk bad about her father in front of her (because that can damage her as much as what he's doing).

Secondly... talk to him.. Have your (now) husband talk to him if you can't without arguing.. He needs to know that you're hearing about it and it isn't right (or fair) for your daughter to hear those jokes about her *now* dad.

Hi J. - Goodness.... there is so much I could say here...!!
But I'll try to be short and sweet.

First and foremost, in every situation we go through in life -especially negative or hurtful - there is always a gift. Always. So look of the gift in this. (This is the gift for you!)

I saw it immediately. You child's dad is teaching her that there are all kinds of people in the world (i.e. ones that make people feel good, ones that make people feel bad... ones that make good decisions, and ones that make bad... etc.). In her life - as in yours - she will come across all these kinds of people.

In most cases, it is her choice as to who she wants to be around. SO - here's the perfect example of a bully. As she goes on - to elementary, middle, high school - she will come across people like her dad (this is not a specific word to use during this part of the conversation.)

If she is raised as a thoughtful, compassionate child with decision-making skills, she will look at a bully with a different eye.

Bullies are sad and lonely inside. (By this time, the conversation should be long away from her father - you get the drift.) They hurt other people because they are hurt inside. And some just don't know who else to be...

So that's the first thing that came to my mind.

Next, it's ok to tell her that when you fell in love with her dad, it was a bad choice on your part - for exactly those same reasons... You made a choice to not really see those parts of his personality that makes him a not-so-good-father. "He's not a bad person" (CRUCIAL WORDS)- just not right for you or the example you'd choose for her, but darn it - he is her father.

Here is a lesson in acceptance. We will have a lot easier time of it if we "accept, don't expect." Because All Stress in Life Comes From Resisting What IS... The man is who he is - by his choice.

This child needs to 1)accept the fact that he is who he is, and 2) accept the fact that she needs to go there and look for the good in him. Because this is a choice she did not, and cannot, make for herself.

And so - onto "different houses have different rules." Again, this will serve her her whole life and especially through her school years.

As she goes out in the "world" - playdates, school, etc., she will find that the rules in your house (about everything - including treatment of others, in this case. In other conversations, as it suits the situation) will be different than in other houses.

So this is where your training of her begins. In thought process, consequences (eeesh - you're not with her father anymore because of the choices he made in who to be in the world...), choice of friends (consequences thereof), etc.

Next, it's an opportunity to teach her respect. Respect that everyone has the option to choose who to be in the world. He's chosen a way, you've chosen a way, her Dad now (your husband) has chosen a way to be in the world. And then WE get to choose if we want to be friends with them or not.
(Yes, that relates to more than a forced visit with someone, but that is a situation created long ago and here's an opportunity to teach acceptance. Hey - she may be a gift to him in the long run!)

And lastly - like there's not enough here! These conversations happen BEFORE she goes. They're pre-emptive. This is about life, not just a weekend visit. But how wonderful that those visits can present you all with such gifts and opportunity for you to teach your child: Acceptance, tolerance, compassion, thought and decision making process, choices, respect - and our greatest commandment of all - LOVE.

WOW! Here's is the silver lining....

I have a 5 year old son, and I am divorced from my son's father. I feel your pain...i think the best thing you can do is SHow her when she is with you what right and wrong is and just give her a great foundation at home. I bet she is a bright girl and already knows these things but the reinforcement when she's with you is the best thing for her...which I am sure you already do :)

Hello J., From your words, it truly sounds as if you and your husband have a really great relationship with your children, and with one another, albeit a bit strained at times which is natural under these circumstances. There is little you can do about the influence, good or bad, your ex-husband/biological has on your little girl unless you have grounds for legal action...so the alternative is to remain a united front and stay focused on that beautiful little spirit of your daughters. I have learned that nothing can battle and conquer 'madness' better than acceptance and love. Sounds simplistic I know, but I have found it so all my life with my children and with others...there is a favorite phrase of mine I used when mine were little that has actually surfaced since the 'explosion' of Eakhardt Tolles' beautiful book, A New Earth...it was "Is that so?"...I would reflect back to them their thinking and say NOTHING except those words. Consider the two of you being as non-reactive to your daughters' words whenever she comments or questions her true daddy's, your current husband, actions, words etc. Simply hold her, look at her in her eyes and ask "Hmmm. Is that so?" then wait and see what she says. Then ask again, "Hmmm. Is that so?". Again wait and see what she says, and continue this for as long as it takes for her to process the 'madness'. See what happens when you offer no resistance and are not judgemental. I have found that non resistance to a situation wins every time. Trust that she 'will get it'. She'll feel the love and trust and sweetness radiating from the two of you and NOTHING her biological father says to her will influence her again in the same way...ever. She just MAY begin saying back to HER bio dad 'Is that so? Hmmmmm' and end up being his greatest teacher of all! Trust in your love. Keep me posted on this one. Green Blessings! N.

After reading through several of the responses and your "here's what happened" section, it looks like you're doing all of the right things and getting the right advice. I really have nothing new to add, but just second-ing the advice written here. God has a plan. It may not work on our timeline, or exactly they way we want it at present, but trust in Him. You are doing the right things. Everything will work out.

ugh, what a nightmare J.. I suggest you talk to a lawyer who specializes in this sort of thing (if you haven't already) - perhaps if Bryana says she does not want to spend so much time with her father, the court will reduce the frequency/duration of her visits there.
Meanwhile, don't worry TOO much - if you and your husband are consistent, she will figure out whom to trust and respect, and after whom to model herself and her behaviour. But if he is cruel to Bryana, that should not be tolerated - and a lawyer would know how to handle it best I think.
Good luck!!
T.

Hi J.,
I also have a daughter from a previous relationship. She is 10 now. In have 2 small boys from my current marriage. My daughters father and I split up when she was two. He also is very immature, it honestly took about 6 years for him to have normal, calm conversations with me about our daughter or much anything. As far as your daughter coming home as a different girl, I can relate. You probably feel like all the hard work you put in through the week is undone and you have to start back at square 1. I remember tears of frustration. Good news is so long as you continue to be consistent she will (sooner than later) realize things are a little different at each home, and that behavior thats acceptable at dads is not acceptable at home. She sounds like a very smart considerate girl by the way at 5 she questions his behavior. With time im sure that on her own she will realize that the way he is acting or letting her act out is not right and not nice and she will most likely stop it on her own. As far as the comments, when she says that she knows what he is saying is wrong, maybe suggest that when he makes these comments in front of her for her to let him know it hurts her feelings. Since he wont listen to you, he may be affected if truly is bothering her. Otherwise, try a private phone conversation and let him know that she is coming home bothered by the way he talks in front of her. I wish you the best. She is a smart girl and It will get better as she gets a little older.

You are in such a tough situation, my sister went through something similar years ago

She ended up going to court to have the fathers priveledges terminated, it was just too hard with him being so negative.

And that being said, he is distrupting your home and the mind of your young daughter, child cruelty...see if you can tape her after she comes home or video tape the conversations for the court or your lawyer

Good Luck to you

Hi,
Boy, what a painful, difficult situation you are in. Believe me I know I am in it with my 16 year old daughter. We began this situation when she was two years old and over the years I have learned a few very important things, mostly that I am not responsible for his behaviors. Therefore what I teach my daughter I teach her, what her father teaches her he teaches her and one day it will come together for her. I set the best example I possibly can...and I know my daughter yearns to follow that example. Over the years I have seen her have to fight the confusion poor baby but come through with the best possible solution, because I am the one who is level headed, not him he throws temper tantrums, plus she was raised by my side. I know what it is like to have a semi-fair role model for your child but we love them so much we just make up for it by doing a little bit more. Also during those very heated arguments (you are not unusual) I always made sure I was SAFE because he was prone to be dangerous. When my daughter was a little older we did a lot of self esteem building. I really hope this helps. YOU CAN DO THIS THING.

Hi J.,
I think you are doing a great job with your daughter. It sounds like you are being as consistent as possible. As your daughter gets older and meets more people, she will realize where the stability is (in your home) and that will influence her as an adult more.
A close friend of mine went through a divorce a few years ago. Her sister had also gone through a divorce when her kids were young (they are college age and older now). So, my friend talked to them and said, what did we do right and what did we do wrong when your parents were going through their divorce. They said, we didn't like it when you (the aunts/family members) would talk bad about our Dad in front of us, or put him down. They weren't happy with the situation, but this made them feel bad. So, my friend has tried not to talk about the Dad and their issues in front of the daughters. She also tries to talk to him when they aren't around.
It is unfortunate that you still have to talk to him periodically. But, I would try to handle it as civally as possible. Write down what you have to say, say it and be as brief as possible.
Her Dad may be jealous in some way that you have moved on. He may feel angry over the circumstances or something. It is sad that he would choose to spend his time with his daughter making jokes etc. Maybe you can have your daughter bring a card game or book with her and say to her.....when you don't feel like telling jokes with Dad....bring this out and say hey Dad, let's play this game .....maybe distracting him will work. I don't know what else to suggest.
Hope these words help. You sound like you are doing the best for your daughter! Good Luck with this situation.

Hi J.,
We each learn to make decisions by looking at the people around us. We either like what we see and emulate it, or dislike what we see and react to it. It sounds like your daughter doesn't like the way her father treats other people. His behavior stands out because it is so different from the behavior she sees at home. This is potentially a good thing. She knows that she is supposed to act in a certain way. I think it's great that you are reinforcing her observations of her father's behavior. Try nurturing her ability to make good decisions about her own behavior.
Good Luck,
C.

Hi J.,
Well, this probably won't be much help, but I've been there too. My son's father is completely immature. We also tried everthing - I am not remarried but my mom is helping me with raising my son. My ex is so immature that he couldn't even handle being a part-time father. So he took himself out of the pictufre. It's unfortunate, but a lot easier for all of us.
It sounds like you're an awesome mother and your daughter is mature. She "gets it". Keep on being the great parent that you are. She'll be just fine. Not perfect - but just fine.
~A. R.

Goodmorning Jame
Have you talk to your lawyer about this maybe he can give you some sugestion, either he'll send your ex a letter not to say bad thing on people because shell do it when she get older, maybe your ex stop or he won't see his daughter as often.
GHOOD LUCK TO YOU AND MAY GOD BLESS