4Th Baby, Biological Vs. Adopted

I think adoption is great,. especially since pregnancy is so hard on you. I don't understand, though, why you would want to save a child from another country as opposed to saving an American child. There are so very many children in the US that are also in danger of slavery, sexual exploitation or have been rescued from that just to live in an orphanage or group home. I know many children in other countries are also struggling, but I just don't get why everyone wants to rescue foreign children and are unconcerned about the suffering of American children.

My husband and I were sort of in the same position. I knew I absolutely could NOT go through another pregnancy. We considered adoption, but could never come up with enough money. We found adoption costs to be between 15,000-50,000. International being the most expensive. We also experience 2 friends adopting. Once from China, and one from Russia. (I think. I don't remember now, it could have been Romania. I can't believe I don't remember!!!) Both of those children had traumatic lives, and the families dealt with serious behavior, learning, and mental issues. We just didn't feel like would could handle that. I know not every child adopted will have those issues!! So many children are adopted and have wonderful lives, and never have those problems. There was just no way of knowing, and seeing our friend's situations scared us. We prayed and prayed, but we came to the conclusion of loving having an only child.

That is just my story. Whatever you decide, it's important you BOTH want it. My husband and I ended up not being on the same page with adoption, so we dropped that option. If you are on the same page, then it will work out...no matter what way you choose!! If you choose adoption make sure you are VERY through in your research of whatever agency you use. Make sure you can financially handle it, and make sure you are emotionally prepared. Talk with other folks who have adopted and get their advice. If you have all those things sorted out, you set yourself up for success!!

Adoption is a great option! But you will have to let go of your desire to "save" a child from a bad life. This really isn't an appropriate mindset when adopting a child as it puts your motivation in the wrong place and can affect your connection with that child in the future. I have worked in child welfare for years and know a lot about adoptive parent/child relationships. My sister in law is internationally adopted (from Korea to American parents) whose desire was similar to "save" her from a life of poverty, etc. and unintentionally caused a lot of issues with her identity (had caused shame about her roots, not knowing anything about her heritage, etc.)

I'm not saying you shouldn't consider adoption (please do!!!) but beware of your mentality about it. If you want to consider adoption from the state, let me know as I do know a lot about this process of adopting from the foster care system and happen to be a huge proponent of it!

If you choose adoption are you prepared for the often long long wait (friends of mine waited 4 years), the possibility of getting a baby and than having the birth mother change her mind (in some states she has up to 6 months, in others it is just a couple of weeks, check your states laws) and the expense (tens of thousands if you choose overseas adoptions)?

Hi R., I think it's wonderful that you are considering adoption! If you can afford it and feel you'd be able to love an adopted child as much as your own, then I think it's a great way to add to your family! There are many children in this world that need good homes. There are also many children right here in the U.S. that need good homes and need to be saved from a life in foster care. I pray that you come to a decision that will be best for you and your family!

I understand completely about the sickness part....it was horrible for me and I couldn't function. However adopting is awesome...but why do people always want to adopt from another country....it is like it is for recongnition...that everyone will see that their one child is different from the rest...and automatically everyone will know they are adopted. There are so many children right here in the gold old US of A...that endure horrible situations....and can be "saved" also. Think about it!

As an adoptive parent, I can say HenrysMamma is spot on. Never go into an adoption with the intent to "save" a child. Also, you indicated your husband would be a little disappointed if you couldn't get pregnant again. You both have to be on board 110% and not entering into such a huge commitment starting from a place of disappointment. Attend a meeting at an adoption agency to get some general information on adoption - like costs, timeline, etc. I will say that MOST people associated with agencies are going to present adoption as all rainbows and kittens and that's not always the case. Do you know any adult adoptees? They will often tell a much different story when talking about adoption. We have absolutely no regrets with our decision, but it's not always been easy. Remember, while an adoption might be a wonderful thing for your family, the adopted child is ALWAYS coming from a place of loss - family, culture, etc. and it will impact their lives forever. Read as much as you can, both pro and con, and your heart will lead you in the right direction. Feel free to PM me with any questions.

I have one biological and one adopted. The boy we chose to adopt was adopted from Russia. Other friends of ours adopted and the children blended well in the family. Ours came with some deep emotional trauma. That was 10 years ago and we've EVENTUALLY worked through most of it but not without LOTS of tears, emotions and money. Yes, I would do it over again, I would just go into it with my eyes wide open this time. It's a chance, of course, any child could have "issues" so any child is a chance to take. An adopted child, is just a bigger chance. Best of luck to you whatever you decide.

I have not been through adoption myself (I have 4 bio kids) but my sister and her husband had 3 bio kids and adopted their 4th from Ethiopia (he was an infant, 3 months old when they brought him home). They didn't discuss it much, it had kinda been their plan since they were pregnant with their 3rd (which was a bit more like your situation -- adopt vs another pregnancy, but I think nature chose that one for them). Their family is doing great, he is such a sweet boy. It was just so right for their family. If I was in your situation and adoption was a possibility I think I would go that way. The reasons/goals/outcomes you gave for adoption are very admirable and are much more "global" than your reasons for having a 4th bio child. But obviously a very personal decision. I am sure you will be overwhelmed with love for your next child, no matter how he/she enters your lives.

oh i would adopt in a heartbeat if i could do it. I can't think of anything greater to do for a child.

I can't be of any help, having never adopted. I have 3 bio kids. A part of me would love to adopt if I could afford it/had space in my house etc. But I don't know. It's easy to say "I'd love to if I could" knowing full well that I can't... Who's to say for sure if I was really able to if I would?
It is a great idea being a good parent, knowing you could give someone a great home...

I am in the same situation as you. I get horribly sick during pregnancy for almost the entire time. I don't know if I could ever go through that again.
I want to adopt so badly! The reasons you listed are absolutely good reasons to adopt. Our best friends are adopting from China, so we have learned much about the process through them.
Did you know that there are 142 million orphans? Sex trafficking and slavery are huge concerns, as well as poverty.

As you can tell, I am very pro adoption! :) You and your husband seem like you would be a great team and would provide a loving home for an adopted child. We know two families that are adopting at this time and BOTH say that they already feel like parents to their child(ren) even though they haven't even met them yet!

As for your husband, I can understand his feelings too. My husband has the same feelings, but is totally willing to do whatever I think my body can handle. So sweet and wonderful!

I wish you the best!

DEFINITELY adopt !!!! I have 3 biological children, am a single mom now, but if I could do it over again, I wish I had adopted 3-4 kids from various countries around the world. I feel bad that when I was younger (and more naive) I never even considered this, it was quite stupid of me. Now I only wish I had had these feelings 20 years ago. I think you are completely right - you are saving a child from poverty, from an orphanage, from being unwanted and thrown into a life of misery. You will bring a child into your home, where you can teach her about her culture (make trips to where she is from), and let your other children learn about the culture of your adopted baby - an amazing experience. I look at Angelina Jolie - Pitt, and give her so much credit for doing what she is doing, rescuing these beautiful children from all over the globe, and making a better life for them, integrating all the kids cultures into their family. I think it is an AWESOME idea, and would pass on the 'getting pregnant' again - when you know how it affected your body in the past. You don't need to convince anyone of your cons list - you know it, so don't let anyone talk you into getting pregnant (including your husband) if he wants a baby, then tell him you are adopting. To be selfish into just wanting to see what another baby would look like, is really shallow and meaningless - that's not a reason to get pregnant.