4 Yr Old Tantrums - Orange,CA

Poor baby! I hate tantrums for any child. They are frustrated about something and just can't express it. Most kids know they can't hit or throw things, but they just don't have enough vocabulary to really let it out!

I heard if you look them in the eye and repeat back in a gentle voice what they are screaming about, it calms them down. Say things like "You didn't like it that I didn't *show you the fire truck*? Was that hard/frustrating? That must not have felt good".

gl and hth

One of my four year old daughters has started doing this as well, and I think it's because we're in the midst of some change here (me leaving my job, summer starting, planning a trip to Grandma's, etc.) and the change is setting her on edge. So I'm working to spend extra time with her to head off the tantrums before they begin. I've explained that when she starts to feel whiny, perhaps all she needs is a hug. So now she comes over at random times to tell me she needs a hug, needs to cuddle, needs to spend time with me, etc. And when the tantrums *do* happen, I've stopped putting her in Time Out immediately. Someone recommended doing "Time Ins" when it really appeared that a child was being needy, not deliberately bad. So, C and I have Time Ins together. We go sit in another room and cuddle for four minutes instead of having her go sit in there by herself. It really calms her down and we have no more tantrums that day.

Actually, in writing this I realize that C hasn't had any tantrums for three days. So I guess my solution worked! Hopefully it might work for you too?

Mine usually melt down when they are tired or hungry. Not sure if you have noticed this about yours. I think we all get a little grumpy when we are tired or hungry. My kids also fight when they are bored. (now that summer is upon us...) My older one likes to know the plan for they day. I tell her the sequence of the days events so she can mentally prepare for what is coming next. At 4, she probably has an opinion about what she likes and does not like to do, so imagine being driven around, not knowing where you are going or when you can eat next. I always try to end with something good, too, like "we are going to the grocery store and when we get home, you can play with your dolls while I make you mac and cheese for lunch!" Maybe you can give her a job at the store, too (since she is the big girl and therefore your big helper) like picking out the apples and looking for the cereal. That way she can get her fill of compliments like "wow you found that so quickly!" and stuff like that. Good luck.

I am so with you. I have a 4 year old and I could have written your question word for word.

I don't sense that jealousy is too much of a factor, but mine will compete for attention as well, when I pick them up after work she practically knocks her 1 year old sister down running up and saying "get me first!" I think that's just part of the sibling package, not a root cause. Though they do looove our attention, don't they?

I ditto the thing about the food intake. That is the one thing I've noticed. I swear, yesterday she was melting down over a board game that I said I would play with her in 5 minutes ("no! NOW!") threw it down, crying, I offered her a clif bar, and she freaked out because it was "ripped" (it broke, or rather I broke off a tiny piece to give her sister)... I got her a drink and left her the "ripped" bar... within minutes she was eating happily and back to her normal self. She was like a changed girl after eating and drinking. Totally forgot about the board game too. My husband has super high metabolism and turns wretched if he is hungry, he needs to eat immediately. He is so cranky if he waits to long to eat. I am pretty sure she takes after him on that.

There is every rational age related reason in the world for it. But if you want it to stop you have to discipline it firmly. It only seems mean in writing, but in actuality when you see the abrupt turn around and how much happier and more confident and respectful of you your daughter becomes, you'll wonder why people coddle it and let it play out in time outs. A great book for guidelines of how to nip tantrums in a loving positive household is Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson. We have three non tantrummers, and the perspective and actions in this book are successful. This will blanket all things. Her comments competing with her brother are normal, and won't cause melt downs any more than anything else will. You'll see an improvement in the behavior as soon as you handle it effectively!

Check on her blood sugar when these meltdowns are happening. Ask yourself when she ate last and could she be hungry? My kids always got/still get out of kilter and emotional and sensitive when their food intake is off. I had to go to 3 larger and 3 smaller meals a day for my kids to keep their blood sugar even and when I don't their emotions and reactions always let me know.

Good luck.

I've come to find that 4 is a rotten age! My mom always says 5 is better (usually she says it out of the blue which makes me believe that it's obvious how much the four year old's behavior bums me out). With that said, I challenge myself to empathize as much as possible with my young, budding individual. I offer a hug at times when I'd like to offer a time out, mind you not every time but I truly feel that they are on "OVERLOAD" a lot of the time with ALL of these new emotions and all of the things around them that they are able to or trying to make sense of ...and yes, if you sense jealousy, you're probably right! Challenge yourself to offer your 4 y.o. things that will appeal to her, while pointing out stuff to your 2 y.o. EX: "Hey [4 y.o. child], what color is that fire truck? And what letter does firetruck start with?" or "Good job [2y.o.]! Your sister VERY good at that." Also, I encourage my 4 y.o. to teach his 3 y.o. brother stuff, to make the 4 y.o. feel important.
Good luck to you! Remember, 5's better!

What works best for my son is giving him choices. I usually put two or three PJs out so he can pick what he wants to wear. We make "deals" all the time. For example, you can play for 5 more minutes then get in the bath or go in the bath right now. Of course he chooses 5 more minutes of play. We shake hands and say "deal". After the five minutes he happily takes a bath because he feels that he made the decision for himself. My son had a lot of problems (tantrums) with transitions in the past and this has really helped him.

Hi M.,

I think your daughter is sending you the clues: reasonable or not, she's feeling overlooked. Make sure to catch her being good and compliment her for positive reinforcement. Carve out a little one-on-one time if you don't do this already and tell her how much you love to be with just her. Do something with her that your toddler still isn't old enough to do, and emphasize how wonderful it is that she is more grown up, can do more things than her brother, and how great it is that she can help her brother do things as the big sister. Involve her in the things your doing when she has idle time. 4 year olds are capable of doing simple cooking prep (no sharp knives!) and easy chores, like setting the table or "mopping" a floor. Don't expect a perfect job, of course!

There will still be tantrums -- that's just a given for 4 - 6 year olds. They're learning how to control their feelings at a time when they still can't quite communicate their needs as well as they'd like to. When your daughter does throw a tantrum, you can try giving her a hug, and then tell her you and she will talk about how she's feeling, but not until she calms down. If you need to, put her in her room and tell her you will look forward to her coming out and talking to you when she has calmed down.

I highly recommend getting a copy of "Your 4 Year Old" by Ames and Ilg. This is part of a series of books on child development that explains how your child is developing at each age, what to expect, and how to deal with issues. The books are very short. I found them to be very valuable when my kids were little.

Good luck!

Is she overly tired or not feeling well? This might indicate she needs more sleep or even more attention or cuddling when she's not tantruming. When you say she responds when you tell your son something, I agree that it sounds like jealousy. Be sure to include her when you make such comments as see the fire truck. And be sure to praise her often. She may need more praise than your son does.

I'd do the same as I do for 2 yos. Totally ignore her. Say, I can't hear you when you yell or ? whatever she's doing. Say it only once and then ignore her. Hard to do I know. When it's over something to drink don't give her anything to drink.

When she says you didn't show me the truck, say I'm sorry. When she responds to a good job to your son, turn to her and say, yes you do good jobs. Don't let her get to you with her pitiful me or angry me attitudes.

Is she getting enough rest during the day and sleep at night? Even some 4 year olds need naps, or at the very least "quiet time" in bed to rest. I would also try putting her to bed 30 minutes to an hour earlier to see if additional night sleep helps.

Possibly she's feeling some jealousy towards her younger brother. Try to carve out a little time a few times a week to spend with just her. Let her know how special she is to you, and how much you enjoy your special time together, etc.

When she has a tantrum send her to her room immediately. Let her know that you aren't going to listen to her when she's acting like this and be consistent each time. A tantrum isn't fun if there's not an audience. If you're in the car and can't send her to her room you can tell her "I can't hear you when you speak that way" and pretend to not hear her and don't respond. If she continues send her to her room when you get home so she can cool off and remind her she's not to act that way when you're driving because you need to pay attention to the road to keep her safe. Your goal should be to put the responsibility of the tantrum on her, and to teach her to calm herself down on her own.

If she makes comments that you didn't do something for her like you did for your son you can always agree and say, "No, I didn't! You're a good listener!" or "I didn't know you liked fire trucks like your brother!" or "I didn't tell you you did a good job because you always do such a good job, and he's just learning!" and smile at her.

And if she seems to melt down more during idle time, keep her busy and enlist her as your helper. Have her fetch small items or toss things away when at home, "read" a book to her brother or herself when in the car, put stickers in a sticker book, etc.

Keep your cool, hopefully this is just an independent phase she's going through, or that more rest will help.

It is pretty normal for a kid who is struggling to behave better in school, then melt down in the safety of home.

Jealousy issues certainly might be involved. Keep notes for a few days and see if you can pin down any exact patterns of what works and what doesn't. I've actually found that sticker charts are most useful for *me* to get a visual sense of patterns of behavior. Check out the tools in Parenting with Love and Logic for disciplinary ideas.

Assuming this is just misbehavior, when you find a tactic that works you should see results in a few days, definitely no more than a week.

If nothing seems to help, look for some deeper problem like sleep deprivation or allergies. My son's meltdowns at that age were related to black mold-induced asthma-induced sleep deprivation.

Ah, sibling rivalry!
Don't you just love it?
It sounds like she is competing with her brother for your attention.
Praise her for the big kid stuff she can do that her brother can't do yet.
Try to find ways to give her some more one on one time with you.
She's feeling insecure and (not too surprisingly), having tantrums like a 2 yr old.
Once she's comfortable that you love her too (no matter what), she should calm down a bit.