4 Yr. Old Seperation Adjustment

Remember that kids get the most mad at the parent they CAN be mad at, not generally the person they are ACTUALLY mad at. She probably knows you will love her no matter what and is secure with the relationship the two of you have, so it's easier to displace all her feelings about stuff she can't understand to being mad at you.

Also, they want to live with the parent they have the most fun with. You said you and she moved into an apartment. Does her dad still live where you all lived together? If so, she may want to move back there because that was her room and her kitchen and her back yard or whatever, and if she moves back and lives there then eventually you will move back too. Did you re-do her room at the new place? Did she get to pick out new paint and stuff for the walls? New bedding? This is a great way to get her to love her new place.

At 4, she doesn't have the skills to understand what is going on and it may take a couple YEARS before she stops being mad (she just can't ACT inappropriately, but she can feel any way she wants) and starts to understands why she doesn't get to live with the two people she loves. She doesn't really care (and shouldn't have to) that YOU wanted to move. She didn't. She's 4. Just love her and keep explaining (without frustration) that this is the best thing for everyone. Validate how she feels by saying "I know you want to live with dad, but your dad and I decided you would live here".

Very hard situation - Good luck!

Re: Carrie P. You only heard one side of the story and you are ready to give the mother a piece of your mind....a piece of your mind regarding something that is none of your business? hmmmm
Re: L....I wish you the best of luck. My son is two and a half and I go through the same thing. He seems a little angry with me when he comes from his dad's on the weekend. I know he wants his family together because when we are all together, he runs back and forth between us just saying, "mommy" "daddy". Damn, it kills me just to write that. But, I'm happier now and happy mommy=happy baby. As long as we continue to keep his best interest at heart, work together and respect one another, I think he will be just fine. Maybe you should have a talk with your ex and explain to him why it's important that you two work as a team even though you aren't together anymore.

I wish you a heartfelt...best of luck!

I understand that this is a very sensitive issue, and you should absolutely try to help her to understand what is going on. I have one suggestion from my own family's experience-both my sister and my other sister's stepson. Family disruptions can be very upsetting for everyone, especially for the children involved-but something that is VERY important is to make sure that your child doesn't grow up using it to their advantage. Kids have virtually no line when it comes to saying things they know will hurt their parents-especially the ones they live with and they know will never leave them. Do not let her start to get away with saying things like, "I want to live with my daddy," when she's mean-and don't let it hurt your feelings. Sit down with her and ask her point blank-Why? Then calmly tell her that you are sorry that this is the way things are, BUT-it IS the way things are-and do not let her guilt you into anything, emotionally or otherwise. Keeping her out of the middle of your break-up is important, and you need to talk candidly with your ex about not trying to manipulate the situation through her. And if he won't listen and does it anyway-then you need to simply say to your daughter that you had a good reason for the break-up, and that Daddy telling her differently is wrong. Don't allow him to make you into the bad guy, but at the same time, don't get nasty and don't feel you have to go into details with your 4 year old.

It's a tough situation-like I said, I've grown up watching issues just like this in my own family-sensitivity is important, but so is a no nonsense approach. Best of luck to you!

Boy, do I get where you are at! I initiated the separation but he moved out and our 4 year old son splits time with both of us. My soon to be ex is very bitter and does say things to our son, and when our son comes home from visits with my ex, the influence of those negative words is VERY obvious. My therapist told me that all I can do is try to explain things to my son as best I can without knocking my ex, spend lots of time doing things with my son, and make sure I tell him often that we both love him, are both there for him, and will both never leave him. Just those words seem to reassure our boy. The therapist also suggested I give our son something as a sign to him that I will never leave him. I haven't done this yet, but it sounded like a great idea for a child. It's been 6 months now since our separation, and the situation does seem to be improving a bit, although it has a ways to go. I wish you the best.