4 YR Old Girl So Emotional

I can't offer any helpful tips, but I can tell you, my 4 year old is the same way. I'm hoping she'll just outgrow it and we'll look back on it and laugh. Sometimes I think, good grief, all this girl drama now--what will 16 be like???

First of all, let me agree with everyone and say that I think 4 *is* a tough age, but there could be something else going on. For my daughter, 4 was when things really started becoming apparent that there was more than just her being 'spirited' and emotional and we started seeing some aggression and things that were just "off" to me. Trust your instincts!

The first thing I did that helped my own daughter was to remove artificial colorings from her diet and put her on a strict schedule, especially for bedtime. They would last in her system about a week, I found out, and really influence her behavior. Then we found www.feingold.org and implemented that diet/program and that helped too. I thought a lot of the issues were diet and allergy based, and while I was partly right, we ended up having even more issues than that.

My own daughter struggles with aches and pains and tiredness (especially knees and back) and I always thought it was growing pains or her mimicking someone older, or even for attention. It turns out that she has an autoimmune disorder. That's why I say if something doesn't seem right, don't let it go, even if a dr tells you it is normal or whatever, keep following that instinct until you get an answer!

My daughter has sensory issues too- she (at 4 and 5 yrs old) freaked out to the point of violence in bright sunlight because it was painful for her, and still has issues with clothing tags, being too tight or too loose, etc. Some of the issues that I thought were allergies ended up being just sensory issues or tics (she would sniff, cough, rub her nose, blink) and she was finally diagnosed with Tourette's after years of giving her allergy meds that were making her WORSE!

We've been down a long road and I have learned so much, but it seemed to start for us around age 4 and I am sure that your story will not be mine, but sometimes just knowing that you are not alone and knowing that it could be something "more" will allow you to trust your gut, so I wanted to share with you.

Our story is ongoing and we have now cut sugar, gluten and most dairy from our diet, and eat only whole organic foods. My daughter was diagnosed with PANDAS also. (If your daughter has been sick or is complaining of aches and pains, please ask the dr for a 72 hour strep CULTURE to see if she is battling strep! It can be 'silent' in some kids without a sore throat, etc.)

Once we got to the root of the issues, we have a totally different child who doesn't get defiant on purpose, and we all understand one another a lot better and have a more peaceful household.

Hugs,
M.

(Feel free to message me if you have questions or just want to talk things through.)

Hi Heidi,

First ask the doctor for a check up, make sure no one is hurting her, I mean pushing her around and she feels sore. If she is low with Iron this could make her feel this way.

I have 1 boy and 2 girls and my son was so easy to get along with, my girls both totally different and still to this day are driving me crazy. It could be just a little 4 year old phase or it could actually be "hormonal". My oldest daughter was like this at about age 7 or 8 and we finally found out that there were many systems that we missed for many years she is now 18. We put her on a low estrogen birth control pill and it helped!

When she was little she would sit at the table and cry while doing her homework because it wasn't written the write way or if her socks were on and the inside lining was touching her toes, OMG! She would go nuts on me. I finally lost it one day with her and took a pair of scissors and cut the end of her socks out and then put her shoes on, we both laughed about it right afterward, she was only 8 years old when that happened.

Hang in there it happens, just ask your doctor could it be her hormone's?

Take care!

B.

My 4 year old is exactly the same way. I look at it this way...she hasn't faced enough of the adult world to 'stuff' her emotions...in other words, our chldren are much more emotionally healthy than most adults because they are not in emotional comas! What we can do is help our children to express their emotions in better ways...if they are really angry, for example, teach them to hit a pillow or even just run around the yard. I've actually found a lot of understanding in the book Parenting With Love and Logic. I highly suggest that...it has helped me with my patience meter. It is hard to keep patience...I've found that my children have been my biggest test in my own growth...and when I do lose my patience, they know they've really taken things too far and they definitely listen.

I agree with the post asking you to consider the hungry/tired question. Our biggest meltdowns are at those times. I try to give choices..."Do you want to put on your shirt next or your pants?" and sometimes that helps. I was recommended from this site, "The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" and it talks about great strategies to avoid meltdowns at each age range. Good luck!

I would guess that it is just a stage / phase with your daughter. My son is 4 1/2 and has lately been more prone to crying immediately for something he does or doesn't want to do. He didn't do this previously and I remember the neighbor boy having the same problem last year at this same age.

I just try to remind him to calm down and ask nicely with no whining or suggest an alternative in cases where it is appropriate.

I think there just might be some stages where they are more sensitive. As long as you are confident nothing has changed at preschool, daycare of sunday school, I wouldn't worry.

AE

First off is she getting enough sleep?
When did this begin? Was it with the time change? Has there been any big changes in her life? Schedule, school, family, friends?

She sounds like she is exhausted. Is she a child that thrives on schedules?
Try to keep her on an exact schedule and see if that helps. Maybe the 2 of you need to make a calendar that includes an exact day schedule, and a weekly schedule and really try to stick with it..

Also include times, when you can "act out" your own frustrations or disappointments in front of her so she can see that life is not always perfect. We all make mistakes, we all forget things, we all can be tired, angry frustrated, but we handle it in a responsible way. She will learn from you a positive way to respond.

Many times we simply ask for help to take the pressure off of ourselves. Do this with your daughter. Ask her to help you when you feel angry frustrated, condfused, sad.. whatever..

Instead of telling her what to do, ask her to do things. "Please begin putting on your shoes. We will be leaving in 5 minutes, please begin putting away your colors.."

Give her a heads up with what is about to happen. Do not assume she remembers from earlier in the morning or the night before that you all will be running around and expect her to be ready in 2 seconds..

I am sending you strength.. She could just be really hormonal right now because she is going through a growing spurt.. Just take big breaths..

I think it's a 4 year old thing. My daughter has been exasperating lately too and she just turned 4 in December. She doesn't listen at all and whines and cries a lot too (she was NEVER like this when she was younger!). I used to call her my easy kid because she was so compliant as a toddler, but she has kicked it into high gear lately and has been a challenge. I, too, lose my patience with her. I don't have much in the way of advice other than to tell you that you aren't alone and that I believe it's normal behavior for a 4 year old.

I have been sending my daughter to her room a lot lately so that I can collect myself when she starts acting up. Yesterday was a bad day for her. She unbuckled her seatbelt while we were driving down the road on the way to school (HUGE no no!) and then later in the evening, she deliberately disobeyed me by doing something dangerous after I had just explained to her that it was dangerous and asked her not to do it. She just looked right at me and did it anyway. I really don't know what to do with her either, but I did spend some time talking to her later, when I had calmed down, and asked her why she did what she did. She never has an answer, but I think if I keep asking, it will help her to understand that she needs to be thinking about "why" she does the things she does and that she needs to be thinking things through before she acts.

I will be looking at your other posts to see if anyone else has a good suggestion. If you find something that works, do share! Good luck to you.

Here are a few books that I have found helpful:
Smart Love by Martha Heineman Pieper and william Pieper
Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn
How to talk to your children so they will listen and listen so they will talk by Jane Nielsen
Gila Brown has a variety of good articles that are sometimes on Mamapedia.
There can be a variety of things going on. First I was surprised to read recently that an average child is told to do something about 2000 times per day. I think that can become somewhat overwhelming. So first I might think about 1) is she getting enough sleep 2) is she being overcontrolled ie do you have to insist on all the items that you are insisting upon. I don't mean that in a bad way. I often have to think to myself - do we HAVE to do x now? And often the answer is no. There are some items that fall in the health and safety domain and yes they have to be attended to. many others are somewhat optional. I think we all as parents have some "control" issues ourselves. We think that children "have to learn to do x, y, z" and learn to obey and learn to .... the list goes on and on. But really we don't totally want our children to just grow up to be compliant. So you might sit back a bit and look at the triggers, involve her more in the decisions and also ready her for transitions. My 3 yr old is not at all good with transitions. I have to work hard to let her know that we are going to be going in 5 or 10 minutes and then a gentle reminder. I am not advocating a permissive approach here but a sort of middle ground. I went to a parenting class at Musikgarten called Endzone and I found it really helpful. I learnt a lot about what is developmentally appropriate. I have noticed that a lot of these behaviors seem to ease their way away in time. Good luck - boy is this parenting thing hard.

Heidi:

Not sure what it is about "4" that is so rough but I agree with the other posters that it seems to be a tough age. However the first thing that came to mind when I read your post was sensory issues as brought up by Amanda R. If you end up having her checked out by the regular pediatrician to make sure there isn't a physical cause, I would go ahead and ask for an evaluation by an occupational therapist. If she doesn't have a sensory issue you've lost nothing by checking it out and if there is, then you'll be in a position to get her the help she needs.

Best of luck,

L.

No worries, it is normal! Every other year is a challenging one! It starts with the two's and switches every other year:) I have three girls and one boy and the girls have all followed the same pattern.
This is the year that they all have to be reminded that they can choose to be happy, or choose to be sad, but they can not act mean to everyone, just because they are feeling that way inside. I usually end up having this talk with them one on one and encourage them to do a few things that will help them feel happier. I just had this talk with my four year old yesterday! We are religious so I prayed with her, and told her she can do that any time any where, when she is feeling sad. I told her that doing a "secret service" for others will help her feel happy inside, and she can always ask for a snuggle when she needs one. ( her love language is touch). The rest of the day yesterday was great, She need a few more reminders, but she tried.
I also have a "first time listening" penny jar that when she fills it with 40 pennies,(10 for each year) she gets a reward. She is working toward going out for ice cream. This works really well, when ask her to do something and she does it right away, she gets a penny, (sometimes I have to say "first time listening" if she doesn't do it or she throws a fit, I take a penny out. (sometimes the reward is a dollar store toy)
We also usually talk about cooperation and being agreeable too. I make sure to show her that I am willing to compromise if she is. And give her choices that she can make. I tell her that some times we all have to do things we don't want to do, but we can still chose to do them happily. I do give examples of things that I don't like to do, but that I do them because I need to or because I love the person I am doing them for. This helps them know that they are not alone in how they are feeling, but does not excuse it.
This is one of my favorite phrases," I do a lot of things for you, you can do some things for me". My other one is the one above, "sometimes we all have to do things we don't want to do"
Four year olds can be reasoned with. Just sit her down and have a good talk about life and how she is feeling, and how her attitude in not working for you and give some idea on how she can change And st some goals so she can be your happy girl again. Sounds like you are a good mom, you care and want to get along and for both of you to be happy.
good luck,
E.

Hi - I have an almost 4 year-old boy who is also like this sometimes, just gets so emotional. What I've come to learn after observing this for many months now is that it's really not a function of what is actually happening, but rather a function of something biological. And I tell you it's every single time. So basically he's either hungry or tired (or God forbid both!) when this happens. And it can happen with even just a small dip in his blood sugar and he turns into a different kid. So a quick piece of string cheese/carrots & hummus/few pieces of smoked salmon (he loves smoked salmon for some reason) and some dried fruit and cup of milk or water and a calming quiet few minutes almost always takes care of it. And if not, then he's tired. A rest in bed for about 10-15 minutes then a talk about not "krunking out" always calms things down. This age requires a lot of patience but always be sure she doesn't just need a snack or some one-on-one time with you calming explaining things to her (even if you don't "have time"). Good luck - and they are only little for awhile so enjoy!!

Hi Heidi,

I have four children, three boys (21, 17, 15) and a girl (9) and from my experience, it was right around 4 and 5 that they each went through exactly what you are describing: everything is a huge deal and they are very emotional. I honestly think that this is a natural process that children go through and it will pass (I don't think it anything on the parents part that causes it). I know for my self it was not easy to be patient and I too yelled some times, but things do calm down. Please also talk with other Moms and your pediatrician. I have found that not only do they help with the child issues, they also help the parent with any fears or concerns.

Hey there,
My son had similar issues. Part of it was due to his growth process and becoming more independent. Through my parenting class I learned that they have to become emotionally and physically ready to do more grown up stuff like bathrooming and dressing. I just tried to be as patient as possible. Also, I introduced a rewards system for doing these tasks and tried to focus on all of her good behavior and praise the heck out of that. I hope that helps. If you'd like more indepth help (like how I made the charts, etc.) feel free to email me.
blessings,
J.
picassoscat400@ yahoo dot com

Of course you are doing your best! Moms do their best! I do not have an answer, just hang in there. Just continue to have her do what she is supposed to and understand that even four year olds have emotions. You are probably not doing it in an angry voice. You are just telling her to do something she does not want to do. Part of motherhood. And then it will change. Really. We all go through that.