4 Yr Old False Grief

My daughter, now 8 years old, did the same thing when she was 4 and there was death in the family. Every once in a while she'll pull out the grief card, too.

I always acknowledge that she is sad (or tired, or angry, or frustrated), give her a hug and kiss, then remind her that even though she may be feeling sad she still must behave appropriately. Grief/sad feelings are NOT an excuse for bad behavior.

My grandmother recently passed away and my 7 year old is doing the exact same thing. It is so hard for me to remain in control of my own emotions when she is manipulating the situation with the "I miss Great-Ma" card too. I came up with the idea of my daughters(I have 3) each picking one of my grandmother's stuffed animals(she has a huge collection) to have. I then explained that whenever they are feeling sad about Great-Ma not being with us anymore that they are to snuggle with their stuffed animal. This has helped my daughter because she now does not have to verbally express that she is sad but we have an outward sign that she is sad. It also helped with the going to bed and staying in bed issue because we just told her to snuggle with the stuffed animal. This has helped her get through a part of the grief process and helped give us a way to to be manipulated. I hope this helps.

Dear S.,

I'm sure you know that 4 year olds will pull out all the stops in order to get something that they want. They have no way of understanding the pain that some of their actions cause you. At the same time, we have to teach our kids not to be manipulative of people's feelings. When you feel that she is sincerely missing your mother, comfort her. I'm sure you could both use it. When you feel she is being manipulative, swiftly punish her. At our house we use time out. You can use whatever form of punishment that you use at your house. But regardless of how you punish her, she must understand that being disrespectful of Gamma's memory will not be tolerated...and using gamma's memory to manipulate is definitely being disrespectful. And remember, its normal for kids to do what kids do. Its up to us to show them what is and what is not acceptable. Hope this helps!
-S.

S.,

I am so sorry your mom passed away so early in your life and in the life of your children. May God bless and comfort you as you continue to grieve.

I think it is good to be honest with children about death (after all, it's inevitable) and to allow them to grieve, but to keep it wrapped in a parameter of being a little brisk and practical. In other words, acknowledge the feelings and be comforting, but in a very matter-of-fact way..."Yes, I know you are still sad about Gamma, but we can be so happy that she isn't sick anymore and she is enjoying being with God." Or, "I really miss Gamma, too, but it makes me feel good to know she doesn't feel bad anymore, and one day, we will all be togther again. For now, she would want us to think about her but to also be happy."

It may help to begin to shield her from any continuing grief you experience, just to give her a sense of boundaries about it (to demonstrate that it is okay to move on and not always feel the grief, although you actually are. She needs to have a more concrete ending).

And again, I think it is great that you have grieved honestly and openly with her. But now, whenever you feel overcome, you might want to express it in private, unless it is something you can still be matter-of-fact about: "I'm really missing Gamma right now, but I know it is okay, and I'll feel fine again soon."

I know your husband feels protective of you, but I hope he can realize that your little girl is just trying to understand the dynamics of grieving...and it's not unusual for kids to try to figure out just how much mileage they can get out of any emotion! - that is just how they learn. So I hope he can be patient and matter-of-fact with her, too, and just remember to acknowledge the loss and the pain, but to also move her back into the moment: We miss Gamma but we're happy she isn't suffering anymore. Now let's think of something very happy that will help us go to sleep tonight. What is your favorite thing to do on the playground? Guide her back into a different focus. I think kids confuse their grief over a death with their "just as real" sadness at not getting their way! It's just a lot of emotion to sort through for a little one.

S., I hope this helps, and again, I am so sorry you don't have your mom with you anymore. I lost both parents within 14 months of each other, both unexpectedly, so I know it is a very painful time. But it is also a great opportunity to teach our children the reality of death, and as believers, the hope and promise of seeing them again one day. May you feel a special measure of comfort and peace today!

I have had the same experiences almost to the tee. First you must realize that yes her grief is real to a certain extinct, she has also learned that this is a payoff to get what she wants. She has learned to use your love for your mother against you, and although you recognize this mulnipulation you have allowed your heart and your own guilt to begin to blind you to the over all seriousness of where your precious little girl could be headed when entering adult hood if this learned behavior is not stopped now. Grieving is so completely natural, and is a process that we all have to deal with at one point or another. As her daughter your pain and sorrow will out weigh how your own daughter feels and what she's experiencing. That is not to take away from what she is going through with her own loss. On the other hand she is 4 and cant fully grasp exactly what has happened. She does get that grandma is not coming back, and wont be able to see her again. I know as a loving mother you want to do your very best to console and ease her pain, but you need to focus alot on your own pain, and dealing with that, or you will not be the best mom you can be for your own daughter. So as we had our own loss and our son began to do the exact same things as your daughter. I began to think about what i was doing to give him his payoffs. I began to notice that in my own tremindous grief i would just cry where ever i was, wiping my tears, making a few whimpers, or wanting to talk about her and my memories with her, with my spouse while he was around, and he noticed all of this. All these things i was doing gave him reminders of this tragedy which took attention away from him and what he was doing. So that is when he would start to bring up his lonliness and how he felt too, or he would use his feelings about the loss as an excuse to get what he wanted ( to make him feel better about grandma, if only he could have....) or to excuse away bad behavior. So my solution to the mulnipulation was this. When he brought it up i would say "well lets pray and ask god to give grandma our messages and love, and tonight when you close your eyes to dream grandma will be right there to give you a good night kiss." this instantly made him feel much better. I still grieved, but not with such intencity as before, i did my best to that when i was folding clothes, or alone in the car or in my bedroom. As days went by and with all the prayers, we both began to heal, and we did it together. After about a week of praying together, i then began to teach him to pray by himself so he could be private with the lord and whatever he wanted to share with his grandma, it truly made him feel better, eased his heart and it helped me to go through my own grief. I did have to make an effort to watch how grieved in front of him and at times a sappy memory would come to mind and i would tear up and tears would begin to fall, and if he noticed and asked if i was ok, i would say " of course. I'm thinking about how much i love you. Come here and let me love on you" i would hug him tightly for a few moments and i would gently whisper in his ear what he meant to me. He loved this attention, and learned in his own mind that this was the attention he wanted and needed, and just like that, his grandma was no longer a pawn he used against me. He discovered he loved his grandma and would miss her but that it was wrong to do what he was doing. He discovered that after all the prayers, the amount of affection he was recieving that this was good and wanted to remember his grandma as the best! It also taught him compassion, kindness , thoughtfulness, and most of all he got the point i made to him. If it feels wrong or you say or do something you know is wrong because you feel it in your heart, then that makes it wrong. Make sure that you let you child know that it is ok to talk about grandma, or to tell stories about her but we are not going to bring up her being dead (atleast till you heal a little more) only good thoughts for a while. You'll heal most of the way but you'll never be whole again till heaven and you can see her again. Stay strong and put your little girl back on the right path, and may both of you walk with god on that same path. Best wishes, A.

OMG! I went through the EXACT same thing w/ my son. My Grandmother lived with us his whole life and she passed on when he was 5. When I had to tell him that "GaGa" went to heaven, his first teary response was, "But she's my best friend!" and they were. She was also mine. He went through spells of pulling out the GaGa card on those same occations (stalling, bedtime, having to do something he didn't want to do...) tears and all. I think part of why he (unconsiously or consciouosly, dunno) did it was because he knew just how special she was to all of us and knew I'd give him a reaction. While I didn't want to feed into his game, I did validate his emotions by simply saying, "Yes, I miss GaGa too. It's sad that she's gone." Hug him and then reinforce the request, whatever it may be, "Now it's time to go to bed." It took some time, but he eventually grew out of it. I think that's part of the time making things a bit more livable. Our kiddos pick up on just how and how much we react to every situation, and although it seems unfair that she's doing this, try to remember she's not hurting you on purpose. She doesn't fully understand how her actions can effect your emotions so much. I'm not suggesting hiding your feelings, just try to know that the more reaction she gets, the more she'll use that card. At least that's what I noticed in my situation. Good luck, and I'm truly sorry for your loss and your grief. Time doesn't HEAL all wounds, but it does make it a bit more livable. You're grief will probably show itself in many different waves at many different times for a while. Have faith and hold on.
Best wishes! ~L.

A little over a month ago is really not a very long time particularly if they were close. I really think she IS missing her grandmother. This will ease with more time. Children grieve just like we do. Just because she is a little person, she still has memories and is not sure what to do with them. Kids don't understand death. Say to her "I miss her too." Ask her what Gamma would do (in this situation) if she were here. Encourage her to talk about Gamma and express what she misses the most. You and your husbands views on death and grief are much more mature than your daughters. This is your opportunity to help your child to learn how to deal with grief. This is something she will experience for her entire life and you can help set a good foundation for future losses. If she seems to really have some problems with it, you might check out "Journey of Hope" in Plano. It is a grief support center for children and their families. It's free and they are experts in children's grief.

Being 4 years old she may not understand how Gamma could up and just go away...maybe she is concerned you or some other member of the family will leave too. Do you take time to talk to her about her grandmother and past experiences often? After acknowledging her when you feel she is using you suggest she draw pictures of her grandmother and things they did together and that gives her time/activity to think about her grandmother...then ask her where she wants to hang her pictures. You owe it to yourself to have someone to talk too dealing with your own loss. L.

I am so sorry for your loss. I have a 30 year old daughter who was very dramatic. When she didn't want to go to bed she did the same thing with a grandmother she had never met, just heard about. They are just children and will try anything to keep from doing what they don't want to do. Don't get mad at her or make too much of it. Just say "I know" and go on. You may be teaching her a way to get attention, even if it is negative attention.

Hi S.,
I have not read the other posts, so if this is a repeat, sorry. My daughter, also age 4, has in the last 6 months become very interested in the concept of death. I lost my father when she was 18 months old and she doesn't remember him. She occassionally does the same thing. I have talked with other moms and I think this is a normal phase. We placed pictures in her room of them and we talk about Granddaddy being in heaven. Even thought it has been almost 3 years, it still sometimes takes me by suprise and the pain of the loss comes right back. Sometimes I acknowledge her grief and talk about it, sometimes I have to just cut her off. I don't have any real solutions, but I wanted you to know you are not alone.
I'll keep you in my thoughts,
A.

I am a graet grandmother so I know a little something abot children.babies and grown children.
My 5 year old grand son lost his memaw.It affected him greatly. He was with her everyday for 4 years.
They had a special bond .
was it false grief I hardly think so.He was worried because he
had not got to say goodbye.
He is 19 now and still talks about her.and he knows she is with the Lord and he will see her again.
oops!!! am I allowed to talk about Jesus on this sight?
I am a very busy great grand Mother .12 grand children 11
great grandchildren.The youngest being 1 year old twins girls. I have 4 children been married 53 years.

Be patient with her and let her know is is okay to talk about her ,Tell her that g'amma would not like to see her crying she likes smiles.
MAMMY D

S.:
I first want to tell you how sorry I am that you lost your mom. I know children can work things to their advantage sometimes, but, a month is such a short time to have to grasp the reality that gamma is gone. I'm guessing your daughter is feeling so sad and doesn't exactly know how to put her feelings together. I'm sure she sees how sad you are, too, and that may even scare her a little. Maybe it isn't really false grief - just misplaced. Honestly, S., I am a 39 year old woman and I lost my brother (my other half) 2 years ago. It took me a full year and a half not to cry at the drop of a hat (and I had to get on meds to be able to stop!). My son was 6 at the time and he was with me when I got the call and had to deal with everything that his momma was going through, but I tell you - he had the sweetest arms around my shoulder! He would also try to protect me from photos and anything else that reminded me of my brother. Your daughter is not only trying to deal with her own grief, but also her own momma's grief. It's not easy being her right now. Give her time.

S. -
This is not an easy place to be in and you have gotten some wonderful advice. I agree completely with Shirley. She said "What I did is use the "repeat" line..."yes, I miss grandpa too" and then attempt to divert"
I have used this exact method on my three young kids (one being special needs and HIGHLY emotional) and on a niece and nephew after they lost their mom when they were quite young.

Grief is natural and appropriate. But as a mother you have to manage it not only for yourself but for your children.

Blessings and peace to you.
t

S.,
God bless you in your journey. As an experienced mom (7 children), I can tell you that there is not such thing as appropriate grief. Everyone has different thresholds. One of my children grieved for 2 years when my dad died and yes, when under stress, would bring it up frequently. What I did is use the "repeat" line..."yes, I miss grandpa too" and then attempt to divert "let's read one more story together. Grandpa can probably hear us". Consistent and calm techniques work. Since she is five, she is still going to try to get attention. If grand ma wasn't the reason, it could be because her doll broke, book was torn. Just be patience with her AND YOURSELF. Time will heal!

S.,
I recently was in the same situation as you. My Mom passed away last September and my daughters are still struggling with this. I am an only child and my family is very close. I have a 7 year old and an almost 5 year old. My 7 yr old went to counseling at her school and her and the counselor made a book about Grandma. It is something that we have put away so that she can always have it. My four year old and I are currently working on a book of her own. My four year old still pulls the "grandma" card when she doesnt want to go to school. If she sees a picture of grandma she starts crying.Whenever she starts getting upset I always tell her I understand that she misses grandma and that it is hard to not have her here. I tell her that I still miss grandma and I have even told her that grandma can hear her. Once in the car she asked me if I ever talk to grandma and I said baby everyday I talk to her and so she looked up in the sky and she said grandma I love you and I miss you. I asked her if she could feel a warm spot in her heart and she said yes and I told her that was grandma telling her that she loved her and missed her as well. I am very honest with my children so when my mom died I pulled both of them to me and I told them if they ever needed to talk about grandma I would be there for them. I told them I could not promise that they would never see me cry but that we could cry together and together we would make it through anything in life. In dec. my husband and I were in our living room and my 4 yr old was in the kitchen and it had been a bad day for me. I ws crying and my husband was holding my hand when my 4 yr old came into the room. I put my hand over my eyes to hide the fact that I was crying my daughter asked her daddy she said daddy whats wrong with mommy and he told her that i was missing my mommy my daughter started crying and I held her and she held me and it was such a beautiful time I will never forget. I remember feeling like my mom was looking down on us smiling telling me I ws doing a good job. I did just see a book in scholastic that is called a place in my heart and it deals with losing someone close to you. I just ordered it so hopefully this will help my children. I know it is very difficult and I hope things get better for you. If you ever need to talk send me a private message and I will be glad to give you my number you can call me anytime.
D.

S. my heart goes out to you. I lost my mom when I was 23 and next month it will be 11 yrs. Your story brought tears to my eyes and I still cry from time to time just like it happened yesterday, especially this time of year. Not having her there for the most important times of my life have been really hard. My mom died in March and I graduated from college and got married that July. I have since had 2 beautiful boys and your right....it is hard not having your best friend and mentor there. Ok now to your question....
Your husband is right...it will cause you more grief because of this....you will deal with this as a child that has lost her mom and you are also dealing with it on the level of a parent dealing with a child that has lost a loved one. What about your husband dealing with your daughter when she does this? He will deal with it in a different way. Another thing you can do is giving her a picture of her Gamma. They make those baby books that you can put pictures in. They are soft books for babies...I have seen them in the baby section at Target. That way when she does this at night you can give her the book and she can sleep with it. OHHH put pictures in it that have good memories...that way when she gets sad she can recall good times she had with Gamma! that might help her go from being sad to happy when she thinks about the memories. I hope this helps.
My heart does go out to you as a fellow sister who has lost her mom. There is nothing like it and the pain gets easier to deal with but, for me, it doesnt get better. Please know you can vent anytime!

S.,

I am so sorry for you loss. I have been blessed thus far to not have dealt with much loss. I don't know how I will handle it when it comes. You seem to be handling it with such grace and trust in God.

My name is K.. I have 5 children ages 1 to almost 9. Your dd is old enough to called out on this. She's manipulating and if it's not stopped NOW she'll continue to do it the rest of her life. You can show compassion toward her without allowing this. You mentioned that you have told her that her grandmother is in heaven. I will go with that in assuming that you believe in God and Christ. She's sinning when she does this and it needs to be dealt with. I do not allow my children to give me any excuses for sin. None. I am compassionate toward them. I love them through the issues. But there is still a consequence for my sin.

Recently my dh got a ticket for speeding because we were running late for our small group at church. It seemed to be a good excuse. No go!! The officer didn't cut him any slack at all. If someone gets a ticket for running a red light because they were rushing their pregnant wife to the hospital, they would deserve the consequence. It would grace on the part of the officer NOT to give him one but his still in his legal right to give him a ticket. He broke the rules. There is no getting away from the consequences that come from our sin. God forgives our sins but He will not clean up the messes. We must accept that simply as human beings.

The next time she does something wrong (perhaps disobeys) and uses that excuse I would sit her down and talk about what she's doing. Our children are smarter than we think they are. Obviously because she's manipulating you. Explain to her what she's doing. Use the big words and then use words she can understand to help explain the big word of manipulation. (For instance when I talk to my 3 yod about honoring me as his mommy, I use the word honor and then right after that I tell him that honor means to treat mommy very special. He can understand special and begin to associate it with the word honor.)

The most important thing is that you cannot give in. Your dh is right to get upset but if she's only doing it with you then you must be the one to take care of it. It will be lost if he tries to deal with it. You must be strong in this. it does hurt to have her say things and bring back the pain. But part of parenting sometimes is to be able to put away our feelings at the time and teach and guide our children. And this area is a biggie.

I hope this helps a little. i am so sorry for your loss. And I am sorry that it continues to be brought up to you through your dd. You are the mother and you the power to put it to an end.

Oh, one more thing. Does she see you moving on and or possibly using your mother's death as an excuse not to do something? Yes, I know that stings. I am sorry. I have to check myself in so many areas when it comes to my children. Usually I find when they are doing something consistently like this then I am contributing somewhere. If you are, confess that you her. You will do more to build your relationship with your dd when you are willing to admit that you were wrong as well (there is nothing more discouraging to a child than perfect parents - I know, I had them. They were never wrong and still aren't.) just check yourself in that area. If you aren't, then move on and deal with her sin.

God Bless,

K

I am no professional...
I think you should have her kiss and/or hold/hug the card before her meals, when she can say a prayer to God about her feelings, putting the card away after supper, so it doesn't cause night-time issues for you. I would spend very little time talking to her about it when she is bringing it up in a manipulative sort of way. If she brings it up in the car...then would be a good time to talk with her about death and new life in heaven.
Just a thought.

Hi S.,

My daughter, Shileah, is now 14 but was only 4 when my mother passed from ovarian cancer. We went to a grief support group that a local hospice had for children who had lost someone significant to them. I think we started this 3 months after my mom's death and we met weekly for 6-7 weeks. They had age appropriate activities and groups with trained facilitators.
My daughter still has times of saddness and grief 10 years later as they were very close.

Personally, I do not think that a 4 year old can have false grief. She might have the pain inside and not know how to express it except in times of stress when she perceives comfort or time with you is being curtailed. You might want to talk to a counselor about what is normal for a four year old especially so soon after a death. I know as an adult I did not let myself feel my grief and had back pain until I finally went to a support group myself and let my feelings flow. It is really hard losing your mom, especially if you have small children.

Hope this helps some. i would be happy to talk to you anytime

P.

My name is M. and I am a counselor. As a Mom I understand how you are feeling. She does experience grief but does not know the way to express it. You are correct to validate het feelings but then help her to understand the difference betwwen grief and being sad for not getting her way. Contact the Warm Place. They have small groups for children experiencing grief. They do wonderful work and it will be good for yoou too. Good Luck. Love and Prayers, M.

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss, S..

Obviously, your daughter is "manipulating" you and you don't like it (I put it in quotes because so many people don't like to use that word in regards to children's behavior, but I'm sorry, if she's behaving in a way to get a certain response from you, than it's manipulation, plain and simple- they learn it very easily and quickly, from a very young age, I might add.) Now, having that said, have you wondered what she's wanting when she says "I miss gamma"? Sounds to me like she wants hugs and comforting. You might start by telling her repetitively that "Honey, you don't have to tell me you miss gamma in order to get hugs and love from me", let her know that she just needs to tell you she needs a hug. Maybe that's all this is- she needs more hugs and love and has found an easy way to get it- saying she misses gamma. So, instead of keeping it from her (for any reason), always give her the love that she craves. Give her extra whenever you can. Maybe that's all this is and if you tell her a different way to go about telling you she needs hugs, she'll stop saying the thing that upsets you, right?

Whenever she starts the "I miss gamma", I would say, "Me, too, but I still have to do all the things in my life like wash the dishes, wash the clothes, take a bath, go to bed on time, etc. You have to do those things, too. And you get to do them right now."

Don't negotiate with a 4-year-old. She needs you to be a firm foundation for her while she figures things out. By saying "Me, too" you are acknowledging her feelings, but also pointing out reality. Don't get into prolonged conversations about what you are asking her to do, either. Expect it and insist on it. She'll thank you when she's a grownup.

I think what your daughter is doing is completely normal. When a child her age experiences a loss like that it leaves a deeper impression that we as adults usually realize. Especially if she has seen you grieving as well. When she gets upset over anything even something as simple as not getting her way, those emotions act as a trigger and remind her of the sadness she felt at the loss of her grandmother. Be patient with her. Eventually the emotions behind this experience will lessen and she will eventually not be "triggered" to remember he grandmother every time she feels sad.
I know that it must be incredibly hard for you, but the pain will eventually subside and what you will be left with is all the precious memories.

I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am about your loss. My dad passed away when my second daughter was an inant and it was so hard. I miss him so much, and wish that my elderly mother would now move down here to be with us. My girls were so little at the time-- about 19 months and 3 months that I did not share your experiences with your children.

I don't know that this would work, and you have maybe tried it, but I think I would tell her, "I miss Gamma too, but even though she is gone, you still need to behave/go to sleep/cannot always have something that you want. That is what she would want for you to do."

Maybe you could buy one of those really inexpensive small photo albums-- the kind that is a 4X6 size and just has one pocket for a picture per page? Fill it up with some photos of her with her Gamma. When she is feeling sad, pull it out and talk about how Gamma will always live on in her heart and in her memories, give her a little cuddle and look at the pictures with her-- focus on the happiness of the memories and how special Gamma was.

Randy Alcorn has written some great books about Heaven-- I love his complete compilation of research in the grown-up book, and it brought me comfort when my dad died. I have not read his children's books, but, I would expect them to be outstanding. The review I just read on "Tell Me About Heaven" was great- but she said it may be more appropriate for slightly older children. "Heaven for Kids"-- same author-- is listed for children ages 8-11. If you visit a Christian book store, they may be able to recommend something that would help, or you may be able to use them as a resource for yourself if she has questions.

She may genuinely be grieving and does not know how to handle her emotions-- "I miss Gamma" might be an honest response to "I don't know how to handle my feelings and I don't want to do what I am supposed to do right now". I am not trying to excuse her behavior, but just wonder if her feelings are more sincere than manipulative?

Thinking of you,
A.

Next time she does that, gently comfort her and tell her that you understand that she misses her "gamma", that you do too, BUT say to her "what do you think "gamma" would say right now, if she knew you were acting like this" if she is not getting something she wants. Or stalling about going to bed? Just tell her you understand how she feels, but she still has to go to bed anyway. And that God and "gamma" are watching out for her while she sleeps.

Everyone is touched in different ways. I applaud you for letter her FEEL her feelings and letting her cry.
However, I think it would be wise to check out many bookstores and find a book about helping children grieve (sp).
There are so many age appropriate books out there.
I think I would have a "ceremony". Cook all your moms favorites. Encourage the children, your husband, and perhaps a few close family members, to make a picture or bring their favorite picture or write out their favorite memory and put it into a very decorated box. Talk about how happy she was. Talk about how blessed you are to have had her in your lives. Let her know it is ok to grieve but that we have to go on in our lives, making new memories and being happy... and that as time goes by the "remembering" will be more happy than sad. Keep the box for times when she needs to be alone with her feelings. Is that too intense?
Let her know that she doesn't get her way on everything now as she didn't before and that if she continues to try to manipulate your sad feelings that there will be consequences. And stand firm.
GOOD LUCK!