4 Yr Old Behavior

My daughter is 3.5 and is demanding sometimes. I have her ask in a polite way. If she doesn't I tell her that her behavior is ugly and she needs to sit on the "ugly step," which immediately brings tears. We go sit on the ugly step for a couple of minutes and talk about why the behavior was ugly. To get up she has to say that she was sorry for the behavior. Good luck!

My son, who is 4, is the same way. He hates time out- so he just sits there when he mouths off too much, or doesn't listen. Sometimes we just have to pick our battles, though. He is getting better lately, but I think that's because Santa is watching... ;)

It is normal 4 behavior. That being said when my 4 demands something, "I want some water!" I say, how do we ask nicely? or lets try saying that again the right way. I NEVER let her demand and then do what she demands. If she is told not do something (like turn her bike around in the road instead of turning around in the driveway) whatever she is playing with is put up immeadiately and there is a time out for not following instructions (her bike was parked for the rest of the day). Does any of this mean she doesn't demand anymore or always follows what we say? No. But at least I know I am teaching her that there are consequences every single time she chooses to treat others and things in unacceptable ways. I think the key to consequences at this age is for them to be logical and immeadiate. I find removing my child from the situation all together, time out, quick talk about expected behavior, oppurtunity to correct works most of the time. If it isn't corrected then the she losses whatever it is (drink/snack/toy/etc). It is tedious and time consuming. At least I tell myself in a few years, it will pay off :) Oh, my 4 sometimes still needs a nap or rest time...this behavior is amplified if she is tired! Good luck!

Hi,
My daughter became very whiny and demanding also...getting better at age 5, but can still be that way! She does have an older brother as well. Does he behave that way at school? My kids were always kind of 'Jekyll and Hyde,' good at school and acting out at home. When she whines or demands now, I either say, 'I don't here that voice' or 'is that how you treat your friends?' if she's not being nice to her brother. She's starting to get the picture.

Good luck!

A good friend of mine said that there are the terrible twos, the trying threes and the f*#$ing fours -- he is testing the limits and learning what is acceptable (and what he can get away with). Be firm and consistent and this too will pass!

My son is the same way, Time out and standing in the corner means nothing to him but getting a "nasty Face" is the end of the world. I have a chart with this smiley face guy with a nasty look on his face and thimbs down. For every bad behavior he gets a face put on this chart he hates it, so I use it, it works.

I think DP and JA hit the mark. I'd just like to add that I also have a 19 month old, and I know sometimes the behavior escalates when my 4 year old thinks he is not getting enough attention. I try really hard to deal with his bad behavior consistantly, then later try to give him positive attention.

Hi Kelly,

My oldest son will be four in December and he's obnoxious! He says no to everything that I tell him to do! It's very fustrating!

We do time outs and taking toys away. It's all about them wanting control. When my son asks for something rudely. I usually say " What do you say afterwards?" Then he'll say please. So, this is drilled in his head. I don't allow him to be rude, even if he learns this stuff from other kids at school. Anway, I hope this helps. I think it is the age, but it is frustrating.

The person who mentioned the &$^$^#% Fours, is so right! LOL. I have a 4 yo and this is what they do, totally normal. We don't use punishment. What I do is try to keep my cool and establish the boundary. They are testing the boundaries, that's what they should be doing. It's our job to make reasonable boundaries.

One thing that works pretty well to get kids to go along with requests is to phrase differently. Firstly make sure you are not asking them to do something you are insisting they do. If you end the request with "ok" you are actually allowing for a No answer or if you ask "Will you do x?" it is reasonable for him to think he has a choice. It can help to tell them what they "may" do. "You may sit down at the table now." Specific and not a question. Another thing that can help is starting to do whatever it is. You want the coat on, rather than asking him to put on his coat, or come over to get his coat on (response, "No") go to the child and hold out the arm of the coat. He will be much more likely to put his arm in. Or hand him a toy to put away, "Here's x, you may put it in that basket." These things don't work all the time but they work A LOT better for DD than asking her to clean up, etc. And with DD if I ask without urgency it works a lot better. If they know you are really uptight about something they are much more apt to dig in their heels.

The thing with taking away priviledges, is it can backfire. Sometimes the kids will see the punishment as payment, so ok I will continue to say no and be defiant, and then pay the debt with the punishment. Or the need to do whatever the behavior is now, is way more important to him that what you are going to take away. Also at this age they are very in the moment so saying they can't watch tv before bed or whatever bc they misbehaved in preschool, is very vague and in the future to them. They often need more immediate consequences. He's throwing a toy, toy is removed until he can use it safely. He's being rude? You are not going to engage in the discussion until he can be polite. So if you keep escalating the punishment, then you know that that technique is not really working to change the behavior.

I also think that at this age there is still a lot of prevention necessary. Is he misbehaving at preschool bc he isn't well rested, didn't have a protein breakfast, it is too much chaos there? If so, punishing him after the fact is kinda' pointless. Is he refusing to pick up his toys bc there is a giant chaotic mess of toys in the playroom? Well, that is too much for him. Is he being demanding and rude bc he hasn't been outside to run around all day? He needs a good motor break.

With the rudeness, I rephrase. "You'd like a glass of water please?" If DD doesn't change her tune with that and continues demanding rudely, I remind her that that is rude, and she needs to ask politely. We have a lot of whining, and with that I ask her to rephrase in her normal voice. And make sure you and your husband are modeling the correct behavior when you talk to him and each other. Sometimes I find that my requests to DD are demands, so it is no wonder she is demanding to me. If you are ordering him to clean up, get in the car, whatever, he will parrot it right back when he wants something.

So yes, he is totally normal, it is the age. But that doesn't mean that you should just sit there and take it. :)

A great book for dealing with kids of all ages is "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen." You may want to check that out.

4 yrs is classic for experimenting with threats and ultimatums. They have discovered a new level of power in words and just like a baby who has discovered gravity and is dropping everything from his high chair, a 4 year old is testing the words to see what they can and can't do.

My best advice I got was to "replace" their demands with better worded comments and in that way teach them how to communicate well. It take a bit but they outgrow it and then if you've been modeling good language, they will slip into using that instead.

So, rather than respond to what is being demanded, think for a minute or two what he wants, and then say it as if you're speaking for him. Answer yourself and go on from there. It really works well if you are willing to ignore some mistaken choices in language for the present in favor of a good communicator of the future.

Welcome to the $%@@ 4's. This terminology has been around for over 20 yrs for this age.. it is nothing new!

He has reached an age when he has discovered he is separate from you. He realizes he has his own thoughts and ideas and that he can say yes or no to things.

Right around the time he turns 5, the aliens will return and bring back that sweet little boy you once knew! LOL!