My daughter turned 4 years old in March. In the last two weeks her behavior has gone from very challenging at times to incredibly difficult most of the time. She's often acting very oppositional and has resumed a behavior from an earlier age: frequent hitting along with other verbal and physical outbursts of anger, like throwing something on the floor and/or yelling, "Get away from me!" She's being very bossy, and wanting to be 'in charge' most of the time. There are frequent refusals to listen or cooperate, but especially when she's angry...and it doesn't take much for her to become angry these days. There are times when she's so sweet, I know she's still in there. What's going on? I trust that it's a phase...but this one is a doozy. How to get through it more quickly? I praise her and provide incentives for positive behavior. I also impose consquences for negative behaviors, such as taking away priviledges, using time outs, and taking away toys.
What are your experiences with 4 year olds? Please share. Many thanks.
Okay, we're not completely over the hump on this phase, but there has been a major development this week, and there's already been quite an improvement in my daughter's behavior. On the way to school the other day, she told me in detail how two older girls have been picking on her (and a couple of my daughter's friends) on the playground: hitting her with a stick, calling her a 'cry-baby', putting a foot on her tummy, etc. I told her that we would talk with the school principle about it at the end of the day. I then stuck my head in the principle's office to make sure she'd be around later.
The principle stopped in my daughter's classroom at lunchtime, and my d.d. decided to tell her on her own what has been occuring. The principle asked if she knew which class the girls were in and if she could identify the two girls, and, in fact, she was able to do so. The two girls implicated each other by immediately pointing to each other and saying, "She told me to do it!" They then had a dicussion with the principle about bullying, and were told they would be doing "community service" in my daughter's classroom. They have also since apologized to my daughter (and me) verbally and in writing, and they each gave my daughter a hug.
I later asked my little girl if she thought the bullying had contributed to her feeling so angry lately (the trickle down effect). And, she concurred that it was responsible for it. I gave her a special treat that day for being so courageous by speaking up for herself. I also commended her for handling anger in a constructive way...by talking it through. It's only been a couple of days, but there has been no hitting since. And, as I mentioned, her behavior (all-around) has already improved significantly. I am so grateful that she was ultimately able to articulate what's been bothering her.
Thank you all for your helpful and supportive comments. She and I have always had a very close and special bond, so the distancing and anger has been difficult to deal with. Many thanks to this on-line community.
Hi J.,
Get involved with a parenting support group:
http://attachmentparenting.meetup.com
Parenting Classes:
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Good luck D.
We had exactly that same behavior (including green crayon all over his carpet) just after the 4th birthday. I guess they think being 4 entitles them to adult behavior which we all reinforce with "big girl" and "big boy" language. They don't get that they are still little kids somehow.
The good news is that it was a short phase after some serious punishments.
Hi J.! I do not have a 4 year old yet, but I have been reading a really good book on discipline called "Making your children mind without losing yours" by Dr. Kevin Leman. You can buy it used off of amazon.com for a good deal, and it is a very helpful book.
hope this helps!
God bless you!
J. --
It sounds like you have my daughter's twin. We encourage her to use words to express her feelings. When she's visibly upset, we say, How do you feel? She'll say, "I'm frustrated" or "I'm sad." And then we talk about what's making her feel that way. I tell her that everybody feels frustrated sometimes and tell her ways that she can express it, or things she can do to feel better. As soon as we start talking about her feelings, her tone changes and she comes down a notch or two.
To help with the vocabulary, there's a kid's book called "The Way I Feel." You can Google it or check Amazon. When she says things that are rude or mean, but kind of legitimate (e.g., a stranger touched her gently on the head and she said, "Don't touch me!"), I tell her a better way to say it, like "Please don't touch me. Thank you." or "May I have some quiet time?" instead of "Leave me alone!" I make her repeat the nicer way right then to make sure she gets the tone and words correct. Or, if I know that she knows the right words already, I'll say "Try it again" and she changes her tone and uses the nicer language.
I've noticed also that the bouts of bossiness and defiance are less frequent when we're spending a lot of family time together. And, a lot of time the root of her "issue" is that she's tired or bored, in which case I focus on taking care of that rather than the behavior that's manifesting.
We've been having the same challenging time with our 3.5 year old. Just like the earlier comment, we go in 6-month cycles of equilibrium here--three was WONDERFUL, three and a half, not so great.
A book that I've found to be REALLY helpful is "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber. Reading it reminded my husband and I to focus more on dealing with feelings and what's really being communicated at the front end (rather than just trying to solve the problem, which makes her frustrated), which seems to eliminate fighting with older sister and tantrums later on...Good luck!
I would check out THe Disciplice Book by Dr Sears. I haven't read it, but have some of his other books and trust his advice implicitly... very nurturing, wholesome, good advice. Hope it helps!
If it makes you feel any better this is actually very common. Neither of my kids (now 6 and 5) had the terrible 2s, but when they hit 4 they both went through the same thing. The best thing I learned to do was ask what was bothering them, and then be firm. If they won't tell you what is wrong, do not respond to the negative behavior. Also, ask yourself if anything out of the norm has happened. It may seem minor to you, but it could be major to them. It is a phase, albeit an annoying one, but it is a phase. Love, plenty of hugs, kisses, and maybe some alone time with just the two of you or her and another relative may also help. Good Luck!!
Yes! I've heard this called the "ferocious fours" and I'm totally there with you!
I have a 4-year old son who has been going through the same thing-as is every other 4-year old I know. Luckily (sort of) the oppositional behavior is generally saved for mom and sometimes dad , whoever they feel the most comfortable with. I'm doing like you, sticking to our values and waiting for this to pass.
Learning to deal with anger seems to be a big issue, as well as wanting to be in charge of everything. I've tried to give my son more choices and more independence where I can. I also try to listen to him more (which is harder than it sounds-he never stops talking!!! And now he thinks he is the master of everything-he tells me how to drive even! It drives me nuts, but I'm trying to correct his delusional diatribes less and just listen. I think he just needs to feel like he 's in charge more with me to make up for the fact that he's not really in charge yet-make sense?)
I don't think there's any one thing to pull kids out of this. I've used a "Be Polite" chart before where he got a sticker on his chart for the morning and afternoon if he was polite. Each sticker represented 30 min of TV time for the evening (that's what works as an incentive for my son, even though he runs around the house the whole time the TVs on anyway).
I also try to be polite myself, which means that I need breaks from him so I can stay calm. and I keep reminding myself "This too shall pass".
Sometimes I've found that doing something special as a family helps to break the cycle too. It seems counterintuitive because you don't want to reward your child for bad behavior, but it doesn't have to be anything big-a special dinner (backwards dinner, breakfast for dinner), a walk as a family, a family trip to the playground...It reminds us all of what we appreciate about each other and cuts through the tension for a bit.
My daughter, around that age, acted that way as well. These phases would come and go. For us, we were in AK at the time, indoors a lot for winter, and we discovered that it was because she was just bored. I have no idea if the reasons are similar, but if I started to plan some more daily activities, crafts, things like that to do, her craziness would calm down, and she would be back to normal. Give it a try!
K.
Sounds like your daughter is close to 4-1/2, not 4. I encourage you to read "Your Four Year Old" by Louise Bates Ames. I suspect you'll be amazed at the portrait she paints of your child. Learning what is developmentally normal will help--and some of this is. You still need to deal with it, but knowing it will end helps.
Hang in there, J.. You daughter is testing you, so it's more important than ever that you remain consistent. Try your best to discipline without showing that your angry (firm but neutral voice). She is trying to get a response from you that indicates that she's pushing your buttons. This will end sooner if you can keep her from thinking that she is succeeding in upsetting you. She gains "power" each time she can get under your skin, so she'll work even harder to push those buttons. You will certainly lose your temper from time to time (we all do because we're human), but if you can try to push through this phase and stay strong, then she will see that you are still the boss and that won't change. Continue to praise her good behavior while refusing to tolerate the bad attitude or bossiness when it shows up. Sounds like you're doing a great job and just needed some reassurance that this is a normal stage of development that will pass. Be forewarned though, that this will come back again in a few years and again all throughout the teen years. Just remember that those are the times you need to be a little tougher and stick to your guns to remind your children that you are in charge. That way when they are adults, you will have shown them the tools that they need to be the "boss" of their own lives then. Good luck!
J.
Children go through periods of time where they are experiencing equalibrium, or balance, then they cycle into disequalibrium. During this phase learning and growing is going on...no pain no gain. Age five tends to be a more equalized developmenal time. If she had experienced oppositional behavior in the past, she will likely repeat that behavior when she is disequalized..look out puberty-teen years. With that said, I would help her to acknowledge how she is feeling, using a feelings chart so she can put a face to her emotons and yours. Begin to identify with her emotions or frustrations.
Say things like "wow, you really have some feelings, can you show me/tell me what those feelings are, show me where you feel __________?" Sometimes kids can show you on their body where they feel emotions.
Hi J.,
I agree with Susan M.'s advice, 4 is a tough age. Terrible 2's have nothing on a 4 yr old who refuses to eat, wants to be in charge of any/everything and is having a really tough time finding her place in the world. My 4 yr old is basically the same way, minus some of the outbursts. I find that she is extremely needy, to the point of having me sit on the stairs waiting for her while she goes potty. I find that if I really talk to her more like an adult, you know like.."hey, why dont you go up and go potty and then let me know how it went when you get back." it seems to encourage her. I've noticed that with my daughter it all has to do with the tone I speak to her in. I find that a little peculiar but it works for me. At 4 they are just really having a tough time figuring out how to react to anger, or sadness and things like that..instead of going into a full on melt-down like that of a toddler. They take cue's from everyone around them. I remember my daughter getting frustrated before she could talk very well. She would get so bent out of shape because she couldn't tell me what she needed or wanted. This is kind of the same thing. Hope that helps. Good luck !
S. K.
I would go over the top with "gushing" positive reinforcement every time your daughter is behaving in a good way. It will encourage more of it. I might also suggest a reward system. Letting her pick out a treat at night or in the morning to work toward with good behavior. For my daughter the most challenging behavior was always getting up and out of the house in the a.m. So she earned a point for doing that, and then sitting in her chair at dinner, and for helping, and for listening...those sort of things. If she got five in a day then she got her $1.00 treat (toy from the $1.00 section at Target) For every negative interaction I had with her (time-out, etc.) I tried to have 4 more positive interactions...It seemed to work for us and my daughter has responded. I have learned a lot from 1-2-3 Magic...and I learned it out of desperation! Good luck:)
Consistency and remain calm. this is a phase and perfectly normal. When my 4 year old is in the angry mode, I tell him that it's okay to be angry but he needs to go to his room so he can calm himself down and then we can talk about it. This isn't like the punishment "Go to your room!" but a chance for him to calm himself in a safe place. Once he's calm, he comes to me and we can actually talk about whatever it was that made him angry.
I agree with much of what has been said here. Also think about teaching empathy. With my 4-year old - who sounds just like yours - I talk a lot about how I/everybody likes to make decisions for themselves. A good friend lets their friends be in charge sometimes, a good friend compromises, etc. Mommy likes ot do things for herself and it makes me sad when... Does Mommy talk to you that way? How would you feel if I did? Etc.
This too shall pass.
J.
I am sorry to hear about your daughter but happy that I am not the only one experiencing this frustrating 4 yr old "stage". My 4 yr old son who turned 4 in Feb. is also having temper outbursts, arguing with me and his teachers, talking back, being very bossy and hitting both at home and school. He is such a sweet natured little guy....or was!He still is in there somewhere. Everytime he loses control he says" I will do better tomorrow, no hitting, no talking ugly to my teachers and friends." He knows what he is doing but seems to have SUCH trouble with control. I have also, as you say, taken away toys,privileges. had him sitting in time out, he has gone to bed early.....we have talked and talked....WHAT ELSE can I do????
Sorry I did not have a suggestion for assisting you and your daughter through this stage...I need one myself!! I will read your replies with interest!! K.
