4 Year Old Is Very Violent to All People

Do you have problems with him all the time or just when he is around people? My children have food allergy issues that cause neurological problems that make their behavior and personality change. I was able to figure out what the offending foods were and eliminate it from their diets and it changed our lives. Sometimes if this happens, they feel more uncomfortable around other people and act up more. People would criticize me saying I was just making excuses for my lack of discipline but quickly changed their minds when my children totally changed. I may be wrong but it's worth knowing about it! If you are diligent in training him etc. Then you'll know it might be something else... good luck!! Otherwise, patient consistency, no matter what, makes all the difference in the world! Hugs!

It sounds like he is trying to get attention even it is negative. How you and the workers respond to his bad behavior also contributes. If you take some time and effort and try positive reinforcement. Praising him excessively when he is doing something good. When he is doing inappropriate behavior, don't react with anger or surprise, simply go to him and stop the behavior. I had to learn this myself. Once I give the initial correction, such as keep your hands to yourself, I would quietly go to my sons, stop the behavior, give them a "no" look and silently leave. More serious discipline would involve timeout with a little quiet explanation why. They are not allowed to play, cry, or kick, just sit quietly with their hands together. After timeout, I ask why they were in timeout, explain the proper behavior. I give a hug once they have apologised.

You also have the additional problem that your Son is in Daycare. If you are doing positive reinforcement and all that, but he is still doing the same behaviors, you need to look at how the daycare workers are responding to his displays. They should also be doing as such. Perhaps, letting them know how to react to your son will help.

I've always found that being consistent with discipline, loving, and talking calmly works much better than simply yelling. Believe me, I forget and start yelling and I regret it. When I remember to talk to them, explain and show how disappointed with one behavior and point out the times I saw good behavior, it worked much better than when I reacted angrily and yelled. I have to remind myself constantly, praise the good behavior.

At that, some times my boys are still embarassing. Sometimes they feel the need to be rowdy, but I try to make sure they know not to hurt others. Every now and again, I let them run wild just to get the juice out of them.

Hi H.,

This is really long - hope it's useful!

It sounds like this behavior and possibly even the pooping thing is a cry for attention from your son.

Our goal for our kids should be to develop in them an internal self regulating system that will help them to make right choices because they recognize what's right and want to do it, not because they're afraid we'll take something away or punish them.

It's important to recognize the difference between discipline and punishment. Discipline is helping a child figure out the way he or she SHOULD go while punishment is telling them what they've done wrong. Constantly punishing a child is discouraging to them as they figure out the difference between right and wrong.

You said you work full time, right? When you are home, how do you spend your time with your son? Are you distracted and trying to get a lot of other things done? If you find that you are, I would try something new.

First, create a regular routine with him, designed to give him some intensive attention.

1. Have dinner together every night at the table (NOT watching TV), preferably with your husband. Be sure to make your son part of the conversation. We ask our little ones leading questions about something we know they enjoyed that day.

2. Before or after dinner, institute "Playtime" in which you or your husband (or both!) play with your son for at least a half hour - his games or make some up. After the half hour, one of you can slip away to clean up dishes or whatever and the other can start heading toward the bedtime routine.

3. Make the bedtime routine fun and dependable, not something you just get through - bath, teeth brushing, story time. Try to do it at the same time every night.

This may sound like a lot of work (it is!) but the regularity allows him to know you're going to spend time with him giving him lots of hugs and focused attention. It will also allow you to have a little time with your husband every night!

As far as actually paying attention to him... Even when you have to do something else, there is a different way to paying attention to him that will yield some amazing results if you'll just take a little time out of your day. We've always used it with our daughter but I never knew what it was called till I took a parenting class at a preschool near my house.

Reflective listening allows you to specifically notice your son's actions/intentions and focus your comments directly on the action rather than just praising him excessively (we often do that on auto pilot – and believe me, they know we’re not paying attention!). So, rather than just saying, “Good job, Johnny!” you’d say, “Johnny, I see that you’ve drawn a picture here. I like the colors you’ve used. Can you tell me about it?” or “I noticed you brought your dishes over from the table and you were so careful. I appreciate your doing that!” You are noticing his action and his intention. This gives you an opportunity to give him positive attention and feedback even if he doesn’t do a particularly good job but is making an effort. This helps him to have an internal monitor of why something is good or bad and gives him the confidence that what he does is important and makes a difference to those around him.

It may seem like something small but it made all the difference in the world for me as a parent. Your son will become confident that you value him as a little person and not just some frustrating little will that you can’t bend to yours. You’ll soon have the connection you need to correct him in those negative experiences too because he’ll trust that you notice when he does something good as well.

I’m not sure how your daycare corrects him when he hits so I can’t address that…

I really feel for what you’re experiencing with your son. It’s hard as a parent to be consistent and attentive, especially when you’re working full time and are probably already tired when you get home and have stuff to do around the house. That’s why creating a consistent, dependable schedule will help you with regard to your little guy. He’ll KNOW you’re going to pay him some positive attention every night. He still needs to know hitting and biting are not appropriate behavior but you’ll have the connection with him that you need to correct him appropriately at that time. You may even find it begins to fade away.

Good luck, H.. If you’re interested, I can give you some of the info I got at the parenting class or more information on the classes. They’re free and really helpful!!

M.

A lot of my friends has found that the source of food really does effect a behavior in children. Gluiton free ( misspelled??) may be something to try. I wonder if you did it for two weeks it may help with his behavior. I feel sad that sometimes we tend to think it is ADD or something like that when it is food intake . Research on that route it will be a HUGE adjustment, but may see a lot of difference in his behavior.