4 Year Old Is Being So Bad

Try reading: 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 by Thomas W. Phelan PhD. I've been doing the program with my 3 year old for several months and have really learned a lot about stemming undesirable behavior and increasing good behavior. My brother uses it on his daughter (same age) with good success too. It really does work although the title is sort of silly.

I totally agree with Mary. When my kids were smaller, I would get comments about how well mannered they were and so well behaved. Then they turned 4 and it started going out the window. They still try to test and see how far they can get. They are 9 now. Set limits and rewards and stick to them. Don't give in. Also, make sure the punishment so to speak fits the crime so she can realize how some things are worse then others and you have to give the punishment close to the time of the problem or she won't associate it.

This all really sounds pretty normal...sorry! Time to find a consequence and stick to it! We use the time out spot. She stays there in quiet time for 4 minutes (1 minutue per year). It seems to work and yes we still have the same moments you do. Just remember, she is likely immitating you or another adult. She is exploring and learning. My daughters PreK teacher told me during one of my frustrated times that "If they aren't testing your limits, worry!" That is how they learn. How far can they go...set the limits and stick to it!

I bet a lot of moms can sympathize with you during post-holiday seasons. Children aren't getting enough sleep or are eating the wrong foods, or they've seen way too many commercials about cool toys that they DIDN'T get .... a bad attitude at that age can go along with the season. Best thing that you can do is to be consistent with what is acceptable and what is not. Use positive reinforcement as much as you can, catch her in the act of doing something good. (i.e. "Daughter, you were sharing nicely, what nice manners you have! What a good listener!") Sit her down on a good day and tell her the rules AGAIN and what you expect from her (i.e. "there will be NO playing in the bathroom".) When you do punish her, be creative - find her achilles heel. If time-outs still work, don't keep her in too long, make sure you are clear on why she is getting punished, have her apologize after the punishment, then move on- getting in trouble is a 4-step process 1) The bad deed, 2) Find out what happened and make sure she takes responsibility 3) Punishment 4) Apology/Forgiveness then move on!. If she is vying for your attention, because she has a younger sibling, negative attention is STILL attention so make sure you are carving out a little alone time with her. They are very curious and independent in that age. The things you describe are pretty; typical, although, I'm sure still frustrating. (wait until she cuts her hair or shaves an eyebrow!) Again, be consistent. She now knows better than to EVER write on the Wii and should she do it again - be consistent in your punishment. Sometimes, punishing a special toy or her blanket can go far too. Again... you have to know what makes her tick????

Kids at this age do very well on small games and this is how they learn good sportsmanship, sharing and manners. Whatever you do, don't get in the habit of "letting her win"! She needs to learn how to be a good loser too. While playing a game, if a bad attitude begins, end the game immediately and her punishment is that she doesn't get to play a game with you. Let her know the rules from the beginning (i.e. "I hope we have fun and you play nicely so that we can do this again soon, however, you must have a good attitude so there will be no crying, pouting, etc...Understand?". If she plays well today, then you tell her how much fun you had with her because she (shared well, played nicely, had good manners, etc....) and schedule another time to play.

If you are in the habit of yelling, try to get out of the habit. Respond don't react. If you are sooooo angry with her, give yourself a moment to be rational. My dad taught me long ago to speak softly, slowly and deliberately when you are upset. " I can also quiet a roomful of screaming children just using that tone. It is a great tool that my father passed on to me. (My mother was a yeller so I'm constantly aware that I can, and have, gone on yelling sprees too!)

Please try to remember that the stubbornness you see in your four-year-old today may be a blessing when she gets to be a tween or teen and deals with peer pressure!

Best of luck to you!

I agree the holidays can turn kids into little terrors! No school, lots of sugar, no sleep, interruptions to their routines plus if they received lots of gifts they can feel overwhelmed.

I found that cutting out the sugar, getting plenty of sleep and being on a strict routine are KEY. Getting my DD back on her routine was the best thing we did, she hurt her arm, broke some toys all over the holiday break. I also got her to focus on helping me around the house to get rid of that overwhelmed feeling of having received too many toys and being off of school. Believe it or not she is always more well-behaved after cleaning her room and helping around the house. We don't approach it as punishment, but compliment her on her help and really make her feel like a contributing member of the family. Usually she asks for more work when we're done! I know it sounds like a strange connection but it works. When children feel like part of a group they are more likely to act better :)

Good luck!