4 Year Old Getting Out of Control

My 4 yo daughter is the same way. Most of the time, time-outs do not work. They make the situation escalate. Sometimes, when she is blowing her fit, I just pick her up and place her in her room, let her know that when she is done, she can come out. We don't normally use their bedrooms as punishment, and to me this isnt a punishment. She is getting the option to scream and be loud and be angry in her room, where she is not causing a scene and disrupting the rest of the house, or she can come out and act like a 4 yo. This gives her the opportunity to release her frustration with whatever it is she was angry with. Most of the time once I close the door she yells for a minute and then decides she wants to come out, sometimes though she chooses to stay in her room and play.

Is this a new behavior? Has she had an recent illness or vaccine? Does she have food allergies (IgE) or food sensivities (IgG)?

Hi, L.:

Are you giving her choices?
Just want to know.
D.

First of all, don't feel bad. Every friend I know with kids in this age range has little or no success with time outs. They only seem to work on a fraction of the very easiest kids, and only with insane amounts of repetition, redefining consistency to the point of madness. They're more to let the parent feel like they're doing something rather than to really change the behavior, in my opinion. I'm amazed I have friends putting 5 year olds in time outs for behaviors they've been doing since they were 2, and still haven't caught on that it...hasn't...stopped...the behavior. In three years.

The tantrums, defiance and disrespect should never be allowed to continue for one minute without you stopping it. At 4, that habit has formed (thanks to time outs) she's pretty set in her ways, but with strength of will and perseverance, you can get her behaving, responding to your verbal communication, and respecting you and being much happier.

You should not feel afraid that you are interrupting your daughter by telling her to finish something, and she should NEVER be allowed to throw a tantrum or try to hit you. She should also not be allowed to insult your dress or speak meanly to people-especially you. I have a 4 year old daughter who never would have gotten 2 minutes into any of these things without consequences. She is extremely happy and well behaved because we have kept her firmly on track, and she never got in the habit of indulging negatively.

In this situation, she should have had a consequence for not responding to your direction that she was done washing the cup. She knew you were on eggshells letting her finish in her own good time-which she was pushing to the max-and this sounds like some of the books that are responsible for this style and the way kids behave today. Then she should have been told to clean up the soap, and a consequence should have been enforced if she didn't do it right away with a good attitude. This would have prevented the rest of the chain of events, but hypothetically, if she kept being moody and defiant all night, she should have kept being disciplined (firmer that time outs), but that wouldn't happen if your first scenario is effective, the rest never happens. We've never had a night like you described in our house. And we don't allow the kids to indulge tantrums in their rooms either. they're jus not allowed to do that. All this "we never punish" stuff doesn't teach kids a better way to act.

If you do not provide true and immediate consequences for these actions and set her on a good path, you are in for very big problems. You can turn this around, your daughter is an intelligent challenging girl feeling for her boundaries. Don't short change her by letting her rule the roost when it's your turn to be in charge. If you want any specifics, let me know, but this site/book is excellent.
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com

I have a 4.5 year old son who is also very moody recently. We use point out the behavior and use phrases like "when you are ready to be happy, I would love to help you with that project" or "if you don't follow instructions/rules, then you can't do things that you want to do". Also, he knows that if he does something that he shouldn't do (hitting, tantrum, etc), we ask him to go to his room until he is ready to come out and either apologize, or be happy and play with us nicely. Sometimes he goes in there for 2 seconds and comes out happy and says sorry, and sometimes he goes in his room and it will be an hour before he comes out. I feel like he needs us to teach him how to step away from a situation if it is making him get worked up and how to say that he needs some alone time, it is not a punishment, just a need to move away from the activity and start over.

I think 4 is a very moody age- my 4 1/2 year old daughter is like jeckle and hyde- one minute super sweet and reasonable and the next moment she is acting like a kid you'd see on Super Nanny! I think it's just an idependence thing- they are starting to be able to do do so much more that they really feel like they need to see how far they can push. I have to remind my daughter on a regular basis that I'm the grown-up. You are right- time-outs don't work . I have learned that taking something away works pretty well- like a favorite toy or TV time. Also my daughter is starting to get more competitve so sticker charts are starting to work because she really wants to get 10 stickers so she can pick a special little toy or go for ice cream. She likes working toward something. Also, I do try to explain to my daughter why the rules are they way they are- for instance she really hates to wear long sleeves. I've explained to her that it's not that I'm just trying to be mean and make her uncomfortable- it's that I want her to be warm so she doesn't get sick. You do have to be careful not to make her think you "owe" her an explanation- you are still the boss. Good luck!