4 Year Old Daughter with Boy Troubles

That is some awesome information from Kathy here. There were many good points and I think I will keep this in mind for my child. I don't have any advice, I was reading the responses for my own small child who is only 21 months and seeming down the same path. She's already getting tomboy nicknames which is a startiling variation from her sister.

Children that age get ideas about life that we often do not understand. I have seen 3 & 4 y/o girls that refuse to play with boys at all and others who seem obsessed with affection for them. I remember when my son was 4. There was a girl in his Sunday School class that could not keep herself from leaning up against him and affectionately touching him (not sexually, just like he was a teddy bear she wanted to hug all the time). I have also seen girls in preschools with the same behaviors at that age. I little boy would be sitting and playing with something, seemingly ignoring the girl on each side of him, fawning over him, both telling me that they are going to marry him. Neither was bothered by the idea of him being married to both of them. Then the little boy looked up and announced he was going to marry his mother when he grew up. I asked if she was already married and he replied, "Sure, she's married to my Dad." All three children were perfectly and lovingly happy with these ideas. They don't understand the dynamics. They just want to be loving.

I think it is important to help them understand rules of respect without diminishing or shaming such sweet and pure-hearted affection. Today, children's caregivers are increasingly frightened by the least bit of touch they observe. I hear stories of how children are examined, shamed, taken to counsellors, and even medicated for developmentally normal explorations and experiments. We have become paranoid.

The way I would approach discussing the issue with a 4 year old is taught in a book called The Family Virtues Guide, by Linda K. Popov. I would try to help the child understand what kind of touch is considered respectful. Kissing is a loving and respectful touch with family, but not the way we play with our friends. This is a difficult concept to teach in today's culture. Television is full of examples of easy familiarity. But you can try to help her understand that kissig is a special thing for family and for friends who are already very close. It isn't a good way to make new friends. Then you can discuss ways that she can enjoy being friendly, respectful, and courteous in making new friends. I see so few parents teaching their children how to make new friends.

As far as gender identity, there can be many reasons for her expressing a desire to be a boy. It can be a simple thing, but not easy to see. Children hear things and are not able to interpret them the same way we do as adults. I often object when I hear someone say, "You're such a girl." The word 'girl' is used often as an insult to imply a lack of courage or stength. I make sure to teach children that bravery is as feminine as it can be masculine. I also teach them that the sensitivities that are often more prevelent in females are not fragilities, they are powers of perception. The optic nerve is sensitive and that sensitivity is considered a power that is worth protecting. The more sensitive powers of observation and intuition in women should not be ridiculed, but often are. It is important to teach girls that their natural talents and skills are powers. But, we live in a culture that allows a woman to put on her husband's shirt and go out to wash the car without anyone taking notice. Yet, if a man put on his wife's sun hat and went out cut flowers, he is subject to ridicul for appearing feminine. It can be the smallest thing that gives a little girl the idea that being a girl is not going to gain her admiration or respect, but being a boy is something to be proud of.

If you cannot find what your daughter's issue is, you might consider finding a good pediatric psychologist. I would not seek psychiatric help because they tend to medicate too wantonly in my opinion. But a good psychologist can often help with finding the confusion. If you want me to give you the name of a St. Louis area psychologist, send me a private message.

It sounds like you have a delightful little girl who will present you with many challenges. Don't let critical attitudes change the way you look upon your precious child. Looking back, it is clear to us that our son taught us more than we ever taught him.

Haha!!! My daughter LOVES boys too. She's 6-1/2 yrs. old. She doesn't kiss them, thank goodness, but she does pin them down and hug them...lol!

when my sister was little she got lice and they had to cut her hair (which was down to her butt) she had them cut it into a boy cut. she only wore boy clothes, not one thing she wore was a girls, only hand me downs from our brother. And she was in love with all of our older brothers friends. As she got older she played sports and really didn't start wearing "girl" clothes until junior high. Today though she is getting married, in a real wedding dress, and is the girliest person I know!! So I don't think you have anything to worry about. I would just let her do what she wants, it's just a phase.

I would say it is a phase she is going thru, wanting to be a boy. Don't discourage her, but don't necessarily encourage her either. Don't force her to be a girl or act like one. I was a tomboy when I was little. I went from girlie frills to dressing like a boy with short hair and all. I liked the boys also. I finally grew out of it by the time I was 13. My teachers were the ones who tried to get me to dress like a girl when my mom knew it wouldn't work and didn't push it. She knew I'd grow out of it.
As for her wanting to be a boy...explain to her the best you can that God made her a girl and that is what she is. Let her know it is okay to dress, act, and play like a boy but that she will never truly be a boy. And then explain to her that touching and kissing other boys at her age is not something that is acceptable for her or them. You may want to throw in that boys don't really like girls who act like boys or want to be a boy. That may thwart either the kissing and touching or the wanting to be a boy. Good luck and God Bless.
P.S. Try seeing if she'd like dance classes. I teach and take with a lot of tomboys, but when they dance they are such little girls, and there may be some boys in her class as well to help her see another side of boys.

I don't have advice, but just wanted to let you know, you're not alone! My 7y/o cousin is the same way! Always has been too! As she's gotten older, she's gone to the girly side a bit, and let's her mom do her hair a bit more as well... Good Luck ; )

Hi Sarah,

Congratulations! It sounds like you have been blessed with a very spirited daughter. I wouldn't worry too much over this phase your daughter is going through, and I wouldn't make too much of a fuss over it in front of her. I know these times may be a little taxing on you, but you sound like you have a daughter on hand who will bring much drama to your life. Try to see it as a blessing because you will never be bored with her around. As for now, just try to validate her feelings and let her know that you care and understand. This is an opportunity for you to bond with her and show her that you are there for her. She will know she can count on you. This will come in handy during those teenage years later.

As for her tom-boy behavior and her boy craziness, all I can say is that I have a sister that drove my mother nuts and she was just like your daughter. My sister refused to wear a dress to church and my mom and sis were always at it. She was such a tom-boy as a kid and had all boy friends, but then she hit her teenage years and she blossomed. Today, she is the most girly girl in our family.

If you need to ease your mind, feel free to talk to the pediatrician, but I'm pretty sure you may hear the same verbage. Good luck with your little princess!

Being a tomboy is okay but it seems as if it has went overboard. I would say let it go but she is getting at the age that other girls are going to start making fun of her. And, the boy craziness is not normal at this age. It might be an attention getter but you might want to consult someone with real knowledge, maybe a pediatric counselor.

Good luck,
D.

My just turned 5 year old is the same way. She has a "boyfriend" that she is always kissing on. We keep telling her that she has to stop but she tells us that she loves him and that he's "in love" with her. But I'm not quite sure that the boy feels the same way. We keep telling our little bull dozer that she has to leave Drake alone (he is also her 4th cousin which makes for lots of jokes) and that she can't have a boyfriend untill she's done with college and that the only boys she can kiss are Daddy, Grandpa's and her uncle. This is helping some (topped with their camp dirctor is trying to keep them apart). I'm just counting the days untill Aug 18 when they go to school. My little girl and her love are going to 2 different schools. I'm just hoping she dosen't find a new boyfriend. good luck!

Personally I think 4 years old is a bit young for the kissing and crying over a boy. In her mind, the boy is her "friend" and I doubt that there is anything going on in her mind that has to do with the opposite sex. She prefers the activities that we generally associate with boys, so she plays with boys, she has something in common with them - play preferences. To me she is doing nothing different than the boys in preschool who like to dress up in Princess clothes. I would let her know that kissing her friends is not appropriate - kisses at her age is for family members. But I imagine that she has been kissing her baby sister, and she observes others doing the same. She just needs to learn the difference between family and friends, and appropriate ways to show her affection and friendship. G.

something i feel worth mentioning, here is that have you ever thought about how "terrible" it is to be a girl,? as a four year old?) first of all, you have to wear a "stupid" dress, that is horribly uncomfortable... and you can't get it dirty. then mom has to rip all your hair out and yank you around, to get a ponytail on your head, or even worse, to sit there while she styles it! then you can't mess that up either!... just some thinge like that i have running through my head... not that i remember, or anything:) about the kissing part, it sounds to me like you have a pretty balnced home (meaning mom, dad, ya know "the family unit" i'd say it's purely innocent. i can see where your concern is. i know that the thing that makes a girl secure, aside from mama, of course, is knowing that daddy love her, too. and it is CRUCIAL for dad to touch her in every way that is appropriate! this is the part a lot of men get squimish on, but it is so true. i say encourage your hubby to hold her and touch her a bit more. then if the bahaviors continue, maybe that's part of who she is, maybe you have a mini drama queen on your hands!
i'm sure you should talk to her about appropriate behaviors, and all that... just remember, she's 4. God bless.

I don't know if it wears off but I sure hope so. My son is 5 and every year in preschool he has had a different girl claim she loves him. One girl even walked up to me to inform me that she and my son were getting married. I asked my son why he wanted to marry her and he said, "because she told me to". To which my husband replied "Good answer!!" I couldn't help but laugh at that one. So you are not alone, but I sure hope it wears off soon.