4 Year Old Cries in AM When I Go to Work

Bumblebee-

The grass is always greener. My kid pushes me out the door and says, time to go to work mommy. Same if I drop him off at pre-school. No clinging, no tears, no regrets. Sometimes it makes me feel a bit unwanted, but all told, I am glad to be without the drama.

Best,
F. B.

In most kids' minds, "work" is a black hole. They don't really know what that means other than it takes you away from them for huge chunks of time. I found that once I brought mine to work with me once, they understood what I meant when I said I had to go to work and they could pull up a mental image and know where I am and that made them feel more secure. So, my suggestion is, if at all possible, take your child to work with you one day. If he can't come/stay for the whole day, see if someone can bring him say close to the lunch hour so you can show him off and then take him to lunch. I think he'll feel better about you going to "work" once he has an idea of what/where that is.

What Cheryl B said. When I took both my kids to my work, something just clicked. They saw where I sat, all the pictures of them at my desk, pictures they had drawn hanging on my wall, and answered all their questions about my job and what I do. They met the people I work with and they got to tour around the building. They thought my work was just awesome. I then explained that everyone has a job they have to do every day. There's is to go to school, mine is to go to work. Everyone has their "place" during the day, but the best part is when we see each other again in the afternoons.
If he gets upset, don't loiter. Just hug him, I love yous, and I'll be back in a little bit. He'll get there. It's tough, mama. Hang in there.

Aww. Yes mine does this too. My daughter is going to be 4 next month. Most mornings I have to rouse her from bed and drive her over to Grandma's on my way to work. Some mornings are hard and she acts all sad and doesn't want me to leave. I try to be sympathetic but keep it as short a goodbye as possible. "I know it's so hard I'll miss you too!" kiss "bye bye". I think some mornings are just hard. Like, I have those days where I feel so cozy in my bed and it's like "noooooo I don't want to get up I'm so comfortable". I think it's the same for them- "noooo I just want mom to stay and cuddle with meeeee"

I also have a day or two a week where I leave before she wakes because grandma will come to the house and watch her. I do NOT wake her up to say bye on those days. She deserves her cozy sleep, I can allow her that at least one day a week. I don't know if she is ever sad or not, but I don't want to know.

The funny thing is, she NEVER wants to leave grandma's when I pick her up! She wants to stay and play, finish a TV show, go on the swing one more time etc. I think in part is also an age/stage thing... just wishing to control the situation a little bit and not be at the adults whims and schedules.

The best thing you can (IMO) do is to NOT spend a bunch of time trying to make him feel better about you leaving. Give him a short and sweet goodbye love, tell him you will be back after work, and leave. Don't allow it to drag out and increase his anxiety.

My DD was the same way. (She is almost 4) She got SOOOO much better about it when I stopped trying to make her feel better. She still whines about it, and sometimes has a few tears... But according to my SIL who watches her, it all stops almost the second the door shuts behind me. (As opposed to an hour or so of crying for Mommy when I allowed it to drag on.) even the tears and whining are getting better with time.

Did you know that if you just dropped him off at the door or didn't even go in the classroom he wouldn't be doing this?

The parents who hand around and visit with their child feed that child's fantasy that if they cry hard enough or beg more and more that it will make a difference. The kids need to be shown it won't be happening. So please stop. It really makes it hard on the kid and the teacher and the whole class when you do this. Drop him off at the door if possible. Don't even get out of the car. OR let the teacher know you need help because you're not coming into the classroom anymore in the morning. TO please make sure she's out in the hallway when you arrive so she can take kiddo into the classroom.

Then let the teacher take him in class. He may cry and scream but he'll be done with this within a week. He's continuing this because you're feeding it. By staying there listening to him, asking him why he's crying, trying to get him calmed down. He's crying because it upsets up and you stay. So stop staying and just leave. Every will be so much happier if you do this.

Even your husband has told you as soon as you leave he stops crying. This is so typical. I had kids who would cry and cry and cry until mom or dad left. They didn't even get to the car before kiddo had stopped the tears and was playing with their friends. He's playing you and you're letting him so just stop. He'll be better off if you do and so will everyone else.

It's been a while but I remember this going in phases for my kids. They'd be fine for a while so I'd feel fine about workign then they'd start crying when I'd leave so I'd think "I have to quit! I'm going to ruin their sense of security" and then they'd stop. Some time later the cycle would start again. Eventually they just understood the deal. I do think really sitting and holding him for say 5 solid minutes might help. I think I did that a little while before I left versus a chaotic, rushed hello and then running around and out the door. But then yes I did give a hug and say I'd be back but just let them cry and leave... Sucks at the time.

That is hard and it tears at your Mommy heartstrings.

I would start approaching it matter of factly with the "everyone has a job to do" stand. Do quick drop off and leave. It is hard, but it will get better. I assume that you like most of us work because you have to. Please keep telling yourself that you are working FOR your son. If you do not go to work, you will not be able to provide the things that he needs. The worst thing for you to do is start a habit of being late to work because of this. It will give your Supervisors the wrong impression and they will start seeing you as flaky. The bottom line is that you need the job to take care of your family. You son will get better and one day he will understand this.

My daughter (also 4) is like this with me. She is a bit better than your son, but she definitely wants to be with mommy. She makes me feel guilty too. I read her lots of books about mommies going to work, leaving but always coming back, etc. I remind her of the things she loves about preschool and each day when dropping her off I try to get her excited/engaged with something right when we walk in the door. I am sure you do this, but I am very matter of fact and make it quick with a very positive goodbye. The teachers distract her if she is having a hard time leaving and have her go be their helper or they ask her to do something for them. One thing to make it better is if he has something he is doing that is super interesting for him when you leave. Have your husband distract him by helping him cook breakfast/measure out pancake mix/stir muffin mix/pour cereal/cut up strawberries. Good luck! I know how you feel…some kids are just like this.

stop getting mad, or letting him make you late. he's only 4, and he doesn't react logically or in an adult fashion. sometimes he just wants mommy and cries.
it gets under our skin of course, and guilt is a natural by-product of parenting. but you're an adult AND a mother and it's up to you to deal with it, not him. have your routine (which should always involve saying goodbye to him so he's not in doubt) and stick to it. it's YOUR job to remain calm and matter-of-fact, and to understand that he's relying on your understanding of the situation to help him learn how to cope. 4 year olds don't get it unless mommy gives him a calm, reliable model on which he can build his confidence.
khairete
S.