4 Year Old and Eating "Battles"

Jessica Seinfeld's book "Deceptively Delicious" has recipes with vegies hidden in them.

http://www.amazon.com/Deceptively-Delicious-Simple-Secret...

Very clever and avoids the power struggle.

My suggestion is to try and stop making eating food a huge battle-he will eat when he is hungry enough. Don't force the issue because it is all about power. Children are always changing their minds about what they like or don't like at the given moment.

If you tell him he has to try one bite but he refuses, say, "Okay, but no snacks later and when you get hungry, it will be here for you." Don't fight with him. Always seems to work for us and there are no tears or battles. Pick the battle. If he ate everything else, is it really such a big deal if he won't try one thing? If it is, then make him eat one bite and be done with it. If he doesn't, no snacks until he does. Put his plate on counter and be done with it. Excuse him from the table.

My 4 yr old is a pretty good eater, but sometimes he will throw us for a loop and tell us that he no longer likes a particular food! Oh well, not a big deal.

If it is a food that he doesn't care for, he will usually give it a try if we tell him to. However, I will not force and make a huge stink about it. In the grand scheme of things, not a big deal. He has come back to his plate a few times because he was ready for that food!

Good luck to you!

I won't fight food battles.
My Mom did that and I just will not go there.
You offer some healthy food to eat and your child s choice is to eat it or not.
If he chooses not to eat it - fine - he can wait till next meal.
Don't give in to begging for snacks.
No kid ever starved to death by skipping a meal every now and then.
He will eventually learn to eat what is put in front of him.

I really don't believe power struggles over how a child eats is a beneficial practice. My mother used to do this with me and my sisters, and she also deprived us of all pleasurable eating until we bowed to her will. This distorted all of our abilities to enjoy good food, and (I believe) increased our emotional craving for sweets and treats. And all 4 of us grew up with serious food issues, lifetime patterns of yo-yo dieting, and even a borderline eating disorder.

There was one memorable fight with my younger sis who hated canned peaches, and my mother kept her at the table for a whole day. When my sister simply couldn't endure sitting any longer (she had/has an inability to stay still or focus – would probably be diagnosed ADD or ADHD today), she finally drowned the peaches in mustard so she could gag them down. Then she ran to the bathroom and barfed them all up again.

These food battles turned me off to just about any genuinely nutritious food. To this day, I eat plenty of the good stuff out of sheer obligation to my health, but these meals are pretty distasteful to me, and sometimes leave me feeling nauseated. My stubborn sister overcame her resistance to vegetables and eventually became a gourmet cook, but is emotionally ill and has been unable to work function in the real world for many years now.

I don't know how much my mother's need to control us contributed to my sister's mental condition, but it certainly could not have helped. What a number of studies HAS confirmed is that food battles and excessive parental control is strongly linked to eating disorders later on, as well as other issues, like resistance to authority. These situations can be very unhealthy for the child and the family.

Because as parents we are responsible for helping our kids stay healthy, it's a terrible dilemma when they refuse to eat a balanced diet. However, most kids do quite well for the 2-3 "picky" years that commonly occur during the toddler/early childhood years if allowed to choose from a wide variety of nutritious foods.

Fruits will give most of the same benefits as vegetables, but with more sugar. This is not a problem for most active kids, especially if other sources of sugar are kept to a minimum. And most kids will eventually begin eating veggies again if they are simply offered in attractive ways during meals.

Our nearest neighbors did NOT force their son to eat his vegetables starting at about 2 years of age. He ate nothing at all that could be described as a vegetable for 2-3 years. By the time he was 5 or 6, he was ordering salads when the family went out for dinner. My grandson, too, began at around 5.5 years to willingly try a wide variety of foods that he could not stand when he was younger.

I'm sure there must be exceptions, but this pattern has been true for every other child I've known over the past couple of decades who started refusing certain foods as toddlers (this is so "normal" that some nutritionists see it as a way nature protects kids from eating nasty or poisonous substances). Parents who did not make a huge issue of it ended up with good eaters who liked most foods, IF they didn't pander by offering the child junky foods "so they don't starve." (Kids who are offered foods with engineered "Kid" appeal, on the other hand, can develop a strong preference for those low-quality foods, and THAT is a huge problem.)

Just my observations, but I suspect that if you can calm your worries and focus on the good foods your child WILL eat, he will come around. Mealtimes are most social AND most appetizing if they are relaxed, happy times for everyone. Food can not possibly taste good if it is forced down after a struggle.

Kids will go through MANY eating phases/likes/dislikes. I am sure we all did too when we were kids. I know I did. But as adults we don't remember that too well.

With my kids, who are 5 and 9, they each have their own proclivities. So does my Husband. I cook as I cook. My family/kids eat.
But with us, we taught our kids to eat, according to their body's cues. ie: hungry, full.
We do not make them, eat a certain amount (because what if they are full?), and we don't punish or reward for eating. That just creates dysfunctional eating habits. And dysfunctional eating habits, originate in childhood.

My son and Husband are "grazers." They eat little amounts, throughout the day. And actually, this is the healthy way to eat.

We don't have food battles with my kids. My son, since he was a baby, was a PICKY eater. My daughter was not. But they eat, whatever I cook. There will always be something there, that they eat. They do not starve... regardless of the "quantity" they eat... little or a lot. 5 bites or 12 bites. The thing is, my kids eat, until THEY are full. And we do too.

My picky eating son, is very tall for his age and is very lanky. His percentiles are fine. And who is to say that a kid needs to gain some? IF your son's percentiles are fine... and proportionate, then he is fine.
And kids... naturally go through LOTS of changes, in their girth/height/weight... and throughout childhood and per their age stage. It is just developmental. No child, stays at the same girth, all their life.

When I was in elementary school, there was a Teacher there who watched the kids in the cafeteria. Everyone hated her. She was mean. Why? Well, she routinely went around hovering over each kid... and if they were not eating to HER liking... she yelled at them, whacked a ruler on the table, and told the kids that they could not leave... the cafeteria UNTIL they ate ALL OF THEIR FOOD. Many kids cried. Me included. One day I told my dad. My Dad, then invited this Teacher to dinner at our house. My Mom cooked a good normal meal. As we ate, my Dad told her "I see you haven't eaten all of your food. You cannot leave our house until you eat everything on your plate...." The Teacher, was aghast! She said she's full etc. Well, my Dad told her "This is what you do to the kids at the cafeteria.... " and that she forces them to eat EVERYTHING and yells at them etc. The Teacher, got the message. My Dad, also put in a formal complaint about this Teacher. And it turned out, that MANY of the other parents complained, about this Teacher. And she was disciplined, sharply.

Now, would you want.... someone else, to force your son to eat, or to make him eat so many bites, or to make him eat something even if he did not want to?

As I said, my son is a picky eater. But we have never, had battles about him eating, nor at mealtimes. Because we do not make it a, battle. We make mealtimes, enjoyable. About talking and chatting and talking with our kids. When my kids are full.... they are allowed to say that. And they can stop eating. Because, they KNOW their body's cues. Very well. And my son does not, hate, mealtimes. Nor does he dread it.
How a child is handled at mealtimes, will be a memory for them. Then as an adult, or Teenager, and "how" they eat and regard, food.

My son, despite his picky eating... is very healthy. Grows like a weed. And is tall and lean. Our Pediatrician said, he is fine... and that they way he eats... is fine. And the way we feed him, is fine.

We all eat differently.... even us adults.
I do not expect my kids, to eat like me... nor to like or dislike what I like or dislike per foods. But I cook what I cook. They eat. They do not starve. And they are healthy.

I just made a smoothie with yogurt, protein powder, banana and other various fruits, and threw in a handful of spinach. I could barely taste the spinach. I'm going to try adding some other veggies next time.

How about putting veggies into a fruit-filled smoothie? (Make sure there is a ripe banana, which tends to mask other flavors.)

Summary of our dietary policy around here:
1) Child eats what everyone else eats
2) Child can choose to eat it or not, I don't care either way
3) Child can't have something else until dinner is gone from the plate (including seconds of any given item - kid wants more rice, kid has to eat all of her broccoli first)

That's it, that's all, no commentary from me while the child is eating. I don't beg, I don't plead, I don't turn into a short-order cook. My younger child is quite willful and went through about 3 years of refusing to eat various dinner items. I didn't care (that she knew of). She just turned 7, and decided that I'm a pretty good cook after all, and she'd really rather go to bed full than express her stubbornness any further. She now eats everything we put in front of her.

Hang in there... :)

Don't force it. There are 3 things that kids control, sleeping, eating and potty-ing. None of these should be a battle. Kids's tastes change and so do their preferences. And they go back and forth. Find other ways to get him the veggies, like smoothies etc...and don't turn it into a power war. You won't win and everyone will end up miserable.

Offer a small portion of vegetables on his plate (not mixed with other things so at least he's eating something, and let him choose whether to eat it or not. Offer healthy snack and meals at each eating opportunity and eat them your selves. And focus on the total amount that he's eating per day rather than what he eats in a sitting. Many kids at this age are less interested in eating a lot at one sitting and become snackers or grazers throughout the day.

Good luck_ given that he's eaten well up to this point, he'll probably go back to it.

First, remember that your boy doesn't have anything against you. Don't take this personally. You're not a bad mama.

When my children were little, my doctor (who had several children himself) said, "Pick your battles carefully, and don't pick ones you can't win. You can't win food battles with your children, because the mouth in question isn't yours."

You might do much better playing it cool and choosing not to be upset. The more upset you get, the more stubborn your son may get. Remember how two-year-olds sometimes like to play power games? A four-year-old wouldn't call it that, but a four-year-old can be just as good at digging his heels in. Why? Because he's four, mostly, I imagine.

This doesn't mean you turn into a short order cook. Cook your usual healthy meals for the family. If he doesn't eat, he doesn't, but he doesn't get any special treatment, or (note well) even any special words. Don't try to force-feed him and don't try to tempt him with goodies. Just do a "take it or leave it" approach, and don't let your conscience start feeling guilty if your boy sits through a dinner eating practically nothing. (Why not run this by your pediatrician first? It might make you feel better, if you decide to try this.)

Don't talk about your son's eating habits in front of him. Act as if it is completely a non-issue. The part of the battle that is stubborn willfulness on his part will... get bored.

I have grandchildren who are picky eaters. I can't say anything about it because I was (and still am, to some extent) a picky eater myself. Happily, my grandchildren's parents say, "What you see is what there is," and mean it (!), and leave it at that. The children are healthy.

I have heard there are cookbooks that tell you how to hide vegetables in other dishes so well that a child (or a husband) won't know it. I'm not sure if that works, but why not see if there's a copy of such a cookbook in your library? Can't hurt to try. While you're there, stop at the children's section and see if you can get a copy of Russell and Lillian Hoban's "Bread and Jam for Frances." I don't know if your son will be interested, but it'll make you smile.

I choose to not battle over food. If they don't want to eat it I encourage them but when it comes down to it, they will not eat it when I make a big deal out of it. The more I insist the more they dig their heals in.

There is no way starving a child to make them conform to my demands is not just being a dictator. I don't like some foods. Hubby doesn't like some foods. IF that was all we were offered we'd most likely eat some to stop the starvation. Kids do not do that. They just go hungry. They don't have that higher brain function to rationalize that they can die from not eating.

So they just don't eat. They can go for days too. Then end up in the hospital. If they don't want to eat it why force them to eat something they don't want.

I have never understood this mentality. Food is something that should be about enjoying the flavors and the family setting. Not about power and forcing someone to eat food they don't like.

So I would suggest you make foods the kids like and will eat. Like spaghetti. It is full of complex carbohydrates and veggies. Most kids will eat it and the foods that go with it are usually yummy too, like garlic bread. There are all kinds of foods that have hidden nutrition in them. Go with the foods they love and let them eat that.

My middle child, who was also a great eater as a toddler, hasn't eaten a vegetable in years!
Okay, I'm exaggerating, a bit.
I swear she never ate a vegetable between the ages of 4 and 12, at which point she discovered Caesar salad. She now likes other kinds of salads as well (especially ones with fruit, cheese and nuts) but she STILL turns her nose up at every other vegetable, and she is 16!!!
Chinese food? She goes out of her way to pick everything out, no matter how small. She does the same thing with pizza, casseroles, soups, just about anything you can think of.
She eats great otherwise, loves fruit and smoothies, has always taken a vitamin and is in perfect health. She is actually my most athletic kid!
So, I haven't let it bother me TOO much.
I like cooking and food too much to let it become a battle, and my kids know I won't go out of my way to cater to individual needs. I make it, you eat it, or not, the choice is yours! And we don't keep a lot of junk or sugar around the house so that's not really an issue.
And as far as weight goes, the veges aren't going to bulk him up anyway, unless he's eating them covered in cheese and/or ranch dressing :)

Honestly, if it were me, I'd let it go for now. Kids do go through phases. Continue on with what is working, and continue to offer those meals you know relatively work (chicken, spaghetti sauce, rice, pasta with meatballs, etc.)

I know I'm in the severe minority, but we have a 'no bite' rule at our house and it has worked wonders. Because of not forcing the issue, just putting the food we are serving on his plate and letting him decide what he's eating from those choices available, we have a reasonably well-rounded eater.

For myself, I came to this conclusion because I was forced to eat certain foods as a kid, and I now have enormous gag-reflex aversions to things that, as an adult, I would really like to be able to eat. Those foods I didn't even want to try and wasn't forced to (think avocados or asparagus)- I now love.

Here is what I have done when my son went through phases of digging his heels in:

*Offer veggies in a preferred form. My son loves frozen peas but will gladly pass on cooked ones. I have to cook my veggies due to my own digestive issues, but he likes them raw.

*Make the plate and say no more about it. Put nutritious foods on his plate, fill it up:a protein/entree, one slice of whole grain bread with butter, veggies, etc. You are the one who can look at his plate and know what's missing. Veggies are mainly carbs, so find other low-sugar 'good' carbs to replace the veggies for now.

*Don't try the hard sell-- or the soft sell. (you know, where the parents make a huge deal of how delicious something is to convince their kids that it really is good). Just stop giving this attention for now. Continue to serve good food.

* Limit sweets. I don't think dessert, juice or treats every day is a good idea. We do three 'treat days' during the week; these are usually a couple small shortbread cookies, an ice cream cone with 'hidden treasures' (think frozen berries or six or so chocolate chips), homemade chocolate milk (reduces the sugar content), a small bit of sweetened yogurt on top of fresh fruit, or a special smoothie. When we take away those things that cultivate a sweet tooth, usually eating habits improve. We are trying to correct their palate, so to speak. I also serve treats after my son's afternoon snack, at 3:30 or so, so he'll eat until he's full at the 2:30-3 snack time. (I should also add that when we were getting lax and allowing more sweets, this is when we would see eating issues at dinnertime/around non-sweets begin to arise.)

*Serve fruit at other times, not dinner. I think whole, fresh fruits are wonderful, but when you have a mealtime issue like veggies, the fruits become the 'sweet'.

*Lastly, don't let him 'choose' the veggie, thinking he'll buy into eating what he chooses. This will only make you p.o.'ed when he doesn't. I've learned this one firsthand. You are the best judge of what needs to be on his plate.

Keep the veggies on the plate, keep offering them, and say nothing more. Believe me, it does pass if we don't turn it into a power struggle--- and we give it lots of time.

SH: great story! I like your dad!

Rather than chopping veggies, add veggie puree' to sauces.....

You can hide pureed carrots and other veggies in spaghetti sauce... after all, it has pureed tomatoes in it..... I would suggest using the standard babyfood puree' like carrots, squash, things like that.....

What about carrot cake? Would he notice the shredded carrots in the cake? If he will eat that, try zucchini bread...... I even have a recipe for a chocolate nut zucchini cake! Very yummy and moist! Then, after he decides he likes it, tell him what is in it.......

Have you tried the fruit and veggie juices? My guy loves them, doesn't have a clue there's vegetables in them, so if I feel he hasn't been eating enough veggies i give him some.
This isn't a long-term solution, but have you tried pureeing veggies and adding them to pasta sauces, soups, meat loaves, etc? It's a great way to sneak them in.
Tomato soup is good to offer, has lots of Vitamin C, my guy loves his with a grilled cheese sandwich. i sometimes give it to him as a snack, with a few goldfish crackers floating in it, too.
Celery stuffed with cream cheese and topped with raisins, aka "Ants on a Log." Look online for other fun ways to dress up veggies, making a "picture" with them sometimes entices children to try them because it's fun.
Mushroom burgers are tasty, use the large Portabella ones, top with cheese and the toppings and condiments he likes.
Do an all-veggie meal to see what you can get him to eat, even with cheese or other stuff and go from there.
Sweet potato fries, better nutritionally than regular potato fries, and taste slightly sweet. i mix a little honey with catsup and he loves it as a dip. (But will eat the fries plain.)
Zucchini or carrot breads with cream cheese, for lunch or as a snack.
Salads as a meal sometimes work, I add small pieces of turkey or ham, sliced hard boiled eggs, and grated cheese, he'll eat the greens along with the protein. Some whole wheat crackers on the side, some fruit for dessert.
Offer raw veggies with dip or hummus...I buy ranch dressing and pour it into a small container for him to dip veggies into. One of his uncles got him into eating hummus with veggies, too, yay!
Veggie lasagna with zucchini noodles, the cheese and sauce makes everything yummy.
A cheese sauce over veggies work well, most kids can't resist cheese. I make a simple white sauce (bechamel), add sharp cheddar to it, then l sprinkle a tiny bit of the grated cheese on top to melt.
No veggies, no dessert, but I wouldn't bribe with treats...I'm just not a briber, though.

And, no, I wouldn't force feed, just try making it "his" choice with some fun ideas.

I agree don't force it, which is way easier to say than do!!! I would not make him take a certain number of bites, although I will say that our "house" dinner rule is to try at least one bite of everything and if they don't like it they don't have to eat any more. I don't really monitor how big the bite is although it is really hard to hold my tongue when my kid basically sticks her fork in it and barely licks it, but I try! ;)

I would give him a serving of everything you are having at dinner and tell him he can eat it or not. If he is eating enough without having to be hungry later, then he's fine. To gain weight I'd probably give him whole milk and yogurt and if he'll eat that.

Also, the power of Ranch dressing is very strong! If you haven't tried it, you might give it a whirl!

when he sees little brother eating "goodies", and whines about it , is his uneaten meal available for him to make good on? i would leave it for him and when he decides he DOES want the treat - direct him nicely to the meal he didn't finish. once that is gone, then by all means, he can have the treat. don't force him to eat it, but if he wants a treat then he should finish his dinner first, imo. it IS his choice whether to eat or not. so i would not argue, reason, or try to talk him into it. but he has a right to change his mind and finish his dinner to get his treat, later, if he wants to. (just me, but i would never "hide" them or "trick" him into eating them...that solves nothing.)

It is a phase and it will pass, but I suggest that you keep doing what you're doing - if he doesn't eat 2 - 3 bites, then no snacks, juice etc. for the rest of the evening.

I would also supplement his diet with some of those kids nutition supplement drinks just to be sure. He'll be fine.