4 Year Daughter Tells Daddy She Likes Mommy Better

Well no wonder your daughter reacts that way. Her Dad, is "expecting" her to act like a trained dog. Not a girl who is only 4 years old.

Yes, a child needs to express themselves. A parent teaches them how. And teaches them the names for feelings. A child does not know that automatically from the womb.
At 4 years old, it is trial and error. They do not, behave spot on and perfectly. They are learning. So they also make mistakes and errors and are learning.
And yes, they can say no. And in time they will learn the circumstances in which to speak up or not. They need to be taught, how to discern social situations, and what is right and wrong. Appropriate and inappropriate etc. And about boundaries.

And most of all, IF your Husband wants to get along with his daughter... he NEEDS to NURTURE a "Relationship" with her. Otherwise, he will always not like, how she acts. Because he is basically expecting her to just be what he wants her to be.
With no idea about the development of a child or little girl.

It takes all of childhood, for a child to learn... about life.
It seems your Husband is expecting things.... that is not in line with your daughter's age and development. And it does not help that your Husband calls her names. ie: spoiled.

Your Husband is the Adult.
Not the child.

Google Search "4 year old development."

If your Husband does not create a 'relationship' with his daughter, he will always be frustrated by her.

Your Husband also has to realize, that little girls are expressive. And so are grown up women. I have a son and daughter. If your Husband wants to be close with his daughter he can't just be dictatorial with her. And he has to know age-appropriate expectations. My Husband always felt close with my daughter and with my son. He approaches them differently. He knows they are different genders. He will even brush my daughter's hair and likes when she tells him things about her feelings. While also teaching her.... about behavior. And then a relationship is developed, with the child.

On the other hand, we have a friend who has a daughter. And he always was very controlling with her. She always has to do what he wants. And he keeps a tight leash on her. And she "learned" to just tell her Daddy what he wants to hear. Not necessarily what she really feels or thinks. She is now a Teenager... and boy, is she rebelling. And the Dad just does not realize, that she is rebelling against, him.

I'm going to suggest that you not make this an issue with your husband. Getting him to see things your way is probably not going to happen, and it will end up becoming a you and your daughter vs. daddy thing.

My husband and I don't agree on every aspect of parenting either. I'm a softer touch, more forgiving and more interested in preventing bad behavior/choices versus punishment. My husband tends to be harsher, more demanding and quicker to punish. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Your daughter has two parents, and sometimes those parents have different expectations, she is learning that every day. You have let your husband know how you feel and he disagrees. Now you need to respect his feelings and explain to your daughter that daddy does not like to hear those words and she should respect him. Tell her that those words are hurtful to daddy, she's old enough to understand that.

Hi J.,

Well, first of all it sounds like you have a pretty bright 4 year old!!!!!

I suggest that you and your husband get on the same page with your parenting style. You aren't supporting EACH OTHER and your daughter is picking up on this.

It's called "divide and conquer" and she's being quite successful.

You will present your daughter a more consistent message about what you expect from her if you each have THE SAME reactions and expectations. Right now, she is allowed to "pick and choose" what she likes. This is a great skill when you have different parents in different households, but it can wreak havoc on your life if you are in the same household trying to hold her to different standards and different rules.

I suggest you start with your husband. How will the two of you mesh the opinions you each have that are different into ONE consistent style? Just because right now she is well behaved for you does not make your parenting style "better" if it's creating disharmony between your husband and your daughter or even between your husband and yourself. Look at the overall picture.

It's really hard to parent, when you are on two different pages. And if it's really hard for the two of you..... imagine how hard it is for her.

Can you find a way to present your "side" to your husband so that he buys what you're doing? Or bend on a few things that are important to him..... and see if he will bend on a few that are important to you?

For example...... he doesn't think she should say no to him. i don't necessarily agree or disagree (negotiating and the ability to be "heard" is very important..... but your daughter should respect her parents. "no" is a powerful word and depending on how it's used can snowball).... Back him on this.... but see if he will do a more thorough job of explaining his reasons to your daughter. That would be a compromise.

Good Luck

I don't think your hubby should tell her she's not allowed to say she prefers mommy and he shouldn't get put out about it. It's natural at this age. Wait a few years - she's a little girl and she will develop that first love crush on your hubby very soon. Let him know his time is coming and it lasts for a lifetime!

I do agree with hubby, however, about the "no" thing. I never allowed my children or grandchildren to tell me "no." When I tell them to do something, it is not optional and it is not up for discussion. I don't recall any of them thinking they had big enough shoes to tell mom/grandma no so that's not something I dealt with. I'm over 50 - I believe in old school and in the old school kids knew better than to speak to adults like that. It would never be tolerated!

I have a feeling when she's 12 and 13 and still telling you no, you will regret letting her get into the habit (especially when she does it in front of friends or family and embarasses you. Oh, yes, it will happen!)

My daughter has done this (she is also 4). You may want to remind your husband that your daughter simply lacks the verbal skills to express her true feelings. Instead of taking it personally I teach her to be more complex in expressing her emotions. I'll say "honey, a better way to say that is that "I love you mommy, but right now I just want to be with my dad". Its not as simple as telling her she can't say she does not like someone, you have to teach her how to say it better.
my father got bent out of shape and did the "you hurt my feeling sulk" when his 4- year- old grandson said he didn't like my parents and liked grandma Sue better because she had a swimming pool. It was so uninsightful of my father it made me feel a little sick. I would have simply corrected him and and taught him to say, "you know I love you Grandpa, but right now I just want to be swimming at grandma sue's house".
Encourage your husband not to take it personally, but rather use it as an opportunity to teach more complex verbal skills and recognition of emotion.

As for not allowing her to say "no"- I teach my daughter that she can make requests not demands. If I say "get out of the tub now" she is not allowed to say "no". But she is allowed to request more time. The hard part is to teach them to accept your answer to their requests.

Tell hubby to try to not get upset. This is a phase a lot of kids go thru. I know it's heartbreaking to hear her say it but the more he reacts, the more she will say it. When she says things like that he should just tell her, "Well. I love you.". After a while she will stop saying it. In fact, it's not unusual for her the change directions completely and start saying she likes daddy more then mommy!

Yes, there are times when a child should have the option of whether to say yes or no. "Do you want more carrots?" "No." That's okay. But there are times they don't also. "Time for bed." "No." That's not okay. That's when you have to let her know you are not asking a question you are telling her what she has to do. She doesn't get a choice there. She can ask if she can stay up longer and if you approve that's fine. But if you don't, she needs to go to bed.

It sounds like she is testing you. Your job is to pass the test! That's not always easy! I wish you good luck!

Hi J.,
We went through the same phase of our daughter preferring mommy over daddy when our daughter was 3-4 years old. I think this is just a natural phase that plays itself out. It used to really hurt my husband, too, but privately I would always tell him that this, too, shall pass and soon enough he'll be the 'cooler' parent ... and that day has arrived, lol!

Some kids have a natural affinity for mom when they're younger ... and who could blame them? My husband is an active parent, but in our house I handle most of the nitty gritty kid stuff because my husband works outside the home more than I do. So our daughter relied on me more often and that bond is super tight. When 'mom' already does things so well because she does them so often, well, the child 'likes' mommy more. I hope I'm making that sound right. Anyway, it's generally a short-lived phase.

I like how you mention kids and choices. Wherever I can, I do like to give choices when appropriate. Sometimes that's not possible and when it's not, they need to accept a 'no.' Framing things as choices, I think, let's kids think that they have some control over certain things in their lives, and that is good. It also teaches them how to make good choices for themselves because this is all a part of growing up. Good luck!

my daughter always measures love. I would expect an adult not to get upset by this. It iritates M. a little when my daughter does it, even though she alwasy chooses M. as number one. I feel like it would hurt peoples feelings. I ask her how she would feel if someone did that to her and she ackowledges she';d be hurt and says it wouldn't be nice. That worked the most. It sounds like it might with your daughter too. I tell her while it's fine to feel that way, love is limitless and J. because you love one person doesnt mean you love another any less. She sometimes asks M., who i love more and lists people and I always tell her love is not a competition.