4-Year-old Won't Accept "No" for an Answer

You're livin' MY life honey. It's exhausting and feel like a monster when I just have to shut him down and say 'enough is enough.'

I'm SOOOOO following the responses you get because I could have EASILY written this question myself.

You just have to keep with the limits and boundaries, and walk away - my 5yr old is very much the same and has fits/tantrums about it, yes it is a control thing.

Sounds like a stall tactic to keep you there...Tell him upfront "this is the last hug, make it a good one because it needs to last all night!"

If he says no..just say I have to go now, I love you! Then leave, let him cry if needed, but he is trying to control you and get his way.

If he argues with your explanation of things, just say this is the best answer I can give you, so don't ask again.

I turn questions back to my kids. This makes them think and come up with logical answers that they can comprehend easier, it's amazing how smart they are & imaginative too. It really does limit all the silly questions.

As for hugs, I think you are doing a great job. Maybe you can say 'tonight i will give you 5 hugs, then we are done, let's count together'. Be consistent, which it sounds like you are doing pretty good.

Don't punish it - just ignore it. I would say in a light manner "No more hugs, Johnny! It's night-night time!" and then walk out of the room. Ignore the entreaties.

Really now, why would you feel horrible for not hugging your child? You've BEEN hugging him, and hugging, and hugging... He doesn't really want to hug, he wants to stay up. Should he feel horrible for manipulating you? No. It's his job to try to figure out where your LINE is. Let him figure it out. YOU draw the line, that's all. Don't let him draw that line, because his line is all over the place!

When he argues with you, don't engage. You've already told him no once, given him an explanation, and that's that. He is trying to draw you into an argument because at this age, he realizes that he loses nothing by trying to get you to give in. The more he argues, the more he chances winning. If you won't argue, he has no chance of winning, you see!

So don't send him to his room. You just go about your business and don't engage anymore. You can do that. You are the adult.

(Where does lightning live? What a lovely little mind that guy has! Get a series of books about stuff like this from the library for him, including one that tells why the sky is blue, for this age set, of course!!)

Dawn

Give him a tally.
Meaning, let him ask 4 questions.
Then that is all.
Let him count it out on his fingers.

Or, show him how you can help him find out answers.
ie: for us, we go online and Google search my kids' many questions. Then we show them about it. (and if it is kid appropriate) we show them the answers and the pictures. It is very educational. My kids like to "research" things, if I don't know the answer. Of course I help them research it.

And, if I don't know the answer, I simply say... I don't know the answer. I as a parent have no problem telling my kids I don't know something... but we can look it up later. But I tell them, that they asked a good question. Which I honestly feel they are.

Asking questions, shows intellectual maturity and development.
I just read that in Prevention magazine. It was an actual study done per kids.

My son is the same way. He is now 5. I don't punish him for it though.
But I have learned how to... maneuver him per his questions and per his personality.
My son does not do it for control. I know that.
He amazes me in what he asks.

I tried posting last night, but had a glitchy laptop...

I have the most irritating method of dealing with this. Well, irritating for kids, not for me.:) I started using this method when I was a nanny and out with the kids to pick up groceries for their family. They get the "Can I have"s pretty easily in that situation.

First, when a child asks me for something, I don't usually give an immediate "no". but often defer the answer, even if I know that it's a "no".

"Let me think about that for a minute." This reassures *them* that I am giving their request due attention. It also gives me a minute to suss out my situation and figure out the best way of going forward. Then...

"I have decided we are not going to ...... " Sometimes, a very short explanation or a substitute is offered (I've decided we aren't going to buy cookies today, however, if you are hungry, we could get you a string cheese and a banana)

When the question is repeated, then I go straight to making my boundaries clear, first with a question of my own:

"I've already said no. Are you asking me because you think I'll change my mind?" (usually I get a big nod) "Well, I've thought about it and given you my answer. Now I'm all done discussing it. You can keep talking about it, but I'm done."

And that's it. From then on, I am actively ignoring them, which means that I'm listening but not responding and waiting for them to change the subject. AS SOON as they are able to move on and distract themselves, I'm ready to join the conversation.

For seriously bad nagging, I send my son (5) to his room. "You will not leave me alone and I need a break from the nagging. You may go play in your room for ten minutes." It is very reasonable to make clear boundaries with our kids...when they are being annoying/disrespectful/pesty, then they can take all that loveliness with them to their own place.

Hope someone's given you some good ideas. This is just what works for me. (And lately I've had a very naggy boy!)

My 10-year old doesn't like "no" for an answer, and her questions about it aren't because she doesn't understand, it's because she's stalling.

I always turn the question back and say "what do you think?" Then she'll either answer her own questions (proving she knew) and at that point I end off with a "Great job!" or "Great answer!" and if she asks another questions I call her on it. "You're just stalling, no more questions, goodnight."

You can gently call a 4-year old on his ploy, he sounds smart! Simply say "I understand you want more hugs and you don't want to go to sleep. However it's bedtime, goodnight!" And then walk away. I'll bet his screaming didn't last long!

Oh, I so remember my son going through this at that age. He is 8 now. I am guessing it is a stage with kids who are smart/inquisitive/confident/strong-willed. I think your deciding no means no is a great thing to do...and just stick to your guns. And yes, we would give consequences if he did not stop trying to get his way. We learned to be very black and white with our child. For example, if he was begging to do something all the time and really driving us nuts we made a "house rule" that he could only do that on x days or x times or whatever. It's like this kind of child is a little "lawyer" and they want to debate and "manipulate" you and get you to change your mind. If you have given in in the past they remember this and will try harder the next time to get you to cave in. If he knows the rule then he eventually just accepts it. The one thing that's big with our son now is video games...we have 4 video game free days a week. If he starts begging to play video games on a video game free day I would give him one warning...saying, if you ask me one more time you don't get any video games the next day you are allowed to play them. Of course one or 2 times he did ask again and I stuck to my guns (this resulted in horrible screaming/crying fits). Now he never asks once I give him that warning. He knows I mean it. Anyway - I remember he was much much worse at trying to get his way ALL the time at age 4/5. Now he has matured a lot and things are much smoother in life. Good luck.

In addition to the other mom's suggestions, if you get to the point that you just can't deal with another question tonight, or RIGHT NOW, or whatever.... remember that it is ok to say so. I had a very inquisitive little one, who sometimes would literally ask stuff she already knew in an effort to (get this) to ask questions non-stop all the way home from school. They started out legitimate, but when she ran low, she asked stuff she knew, because she had decided in her mind that she was going to ask questions all the way home (it was a 20 minute drive). Why? probably because when she asked the first 5 or 6, I chuckled at her and asked her if she was planning to ask questions all the way home. (don't ever ask your child that!)

Eventually, I would just tell her sometimes, "You know what? That is really a great question. But my brain it just too tired out to answer it right this minute. Remind me tonight (when we get home; tomorrow; at bedtime; after dinner; etc) and I'll see if my brain is rested enough to answer it then.

You don't want to squelch their natural curiosity by making them think asking questions is bad or unwelcome or otherwise unpleasant for you. But you don't have to be a dictionary/encyclopedia/text book/owner's manual "on demand" either.

At bedtime? Yeah... I've had the "one more hug" thing thrown at me, too. I did what one of the other mom's suggested: "ok, but this is the last one tonight, so make it a good one." Then I left the room. We had a pretty good bedtime routine in place when she was 4, so I never felt guilty about it. He's just trying to manipulate you. Try to look at it as him maturing cognitively, lol. :)

why punish? he's trying to figure out his world, where the limits and boundaries are, what's expected of him, how far he can/should push. that's just being smart, not a punishable offense. it's also not manipulative. it's questing. it's what kids are supposed to do.
and you're supposed to respond to his questing by providing answers, not to endless questions but to where the boundaries and limits lie. that means being clear and consistent. before bedtime, say '3 hugs!' and after 3 hugs you leave. if he's driving you nuts with questions, give him a limit for how many he's allowed to ask at that time, and after that ignore (sending him away if necessary) if he presses past that. he's not being a jerk, he's just trying to see if this is a REAL boundary or not. let him know it is.
there is no need to be helplessly drawn into a back-and-forth with a 4 year old. own your words and actions, and you'll show him how to do the same.
khairete
S.

My oldest always did that too, but not so much now...and my 2 year old has just started the "what that for?" "but why mommy?" "how?" questions all the time. I think it's wonderful.
HOWEVER: I am very big on the no means no thing. Since he sounds like he wants to rationalize, then perhaps he'd respond to you sitting him down (NOT at bedtime) and say "I am happy to teach you the whys and hows of things when it is the right TIME to teach you those things. But you need to know, understand, and obey the rule 'no means no'. There will be times that you just need to take my no as the answer, and I can explain why later". I remember being a little embarrassed that I was saying "No means No!" to my eldest when he was 2, and made a joke about it when I said it once in front of a friend. I said that I'm sure it sounds stupid since that phrase is most often associated with boy/girl relations in the teen years....but that it might take 15 years of drilling it into his head to insure he'll be safe from making mistakes that can't be taken back. My friend said she and her husband ABSOLUTELY agreed and did the same thing, already, and her children were also preschool.
As for the bedtime stuff, my tendency was to get aggravated and be like "Seriously? You got your hugs, we've had our cuddles, GOODNIGHT". My husband showed me though, when he reacted in a much better way. He smiled knowingly at my son and said "You're very smart, and you know it, don't you? And yes I know that you're trying to delay lights out just a couple more minutes aren't you?" He made a goofy smile, and my son started laughing. He got a kiss, lights out, walk away. I was like "Wow, is that all?" It happens occasionally still.....occasionally he'll bring up some big conversation topic after his pjs are on, because he knows bedtime is coming. We'll point at him and say "AHHHHH, there goes our nightowl again, trying to stay up late!" and tease him a little. I'll write a question he asks on his chalkboard so we can tackle whatever that subject is tomorrow. That way he sees that we hear him and take it seriously, but it's not TIME for that now.
It IS a power play, just so ya know. Don't let him figure out that temper tantrums and screaming are where his powers lie though. He'll stop the screaming when he realizes there's no power in it; that could take 1 night or a week (if you don't give in).

I don't think you need to punish him at all, but you need to stop arguing with him. He argues with you and asks more and more questions because you answer him back. Stop engaging. If you feel your first explanation is adequate, then when he asks, "But why?" You tell him, "I've already told you." and then move on. Walk away. If he follows you, asking why, repeat what you said and add, "I already answered your question."

You don't have to answer his question more than once. If he persists, send him to his room for a time out because he is being disrespectful and also for not listening! If he listened the first time, he'd have an answer to his question!

Depending on the mood/situation a sense of humor can sometimes help diffuse things.
My son would sometimes ask me the same thing over and over and over.
And the answer was 'No' over and over and over.
Finally I just picked a tune, changed all the words to 'No' and just sang it.
He thought that was funny.
Sometimes I ask him how many times he has to hear 'No' before he believes it.
Then I'll tell him 'No times 100 plus 50' and then he thinks about the math problem for a bit.
Other times, the reason/explanation for the 'No' answer is : "Because I'm the Mommy and I said 'No'!".
They'll never grasp the reasons behind that one till they have kids of their own.
Bedtime can be tough.
You want to be fair, but still recognize a stall tactic when you see one.
It turns quickly into a game (one more drink, one more story, one more hug, one more trip to the bathroom, over and over and over).
You can set a timer so that stall time does not go over 10 min, and when it goes off, everyone is done whether they like it or not.

Ah... that sounds so familiar, but my daughter (also 4) is finally starting to stop!

For her it wasn't just one more questions, or one more hug. She would also ask to play for 5 more minutes (and aske me to set the timer!). Then she would always want more time, or have another question etc.

I then started to tell her that she could only ask 2 more questions (or whatever number you choose) because we did not have time, it was bedtime, whatever the reason, but she could ask more tomorrow or later etc. Then I also told her that if she tried to get more after her alotment was up next time she would get none. After a few times she finally got that I meant it. Now it rarely happens (mostly when she is tired).

The "punishment" was that when she wanted the extra time for the questions etc. in the future she would not get it. One note - sometimes it is easier to give another 5 minutes or answer a quick question, but if you give in then you get to start all over. Be firm and repetetive, make sure he understands that there is a limit and the consequences. When you enforce the consequence, tell him you get no more questions now becuase you would not stop asking the last time. Then let him know that the next time you will give him another chance to ask more, etc.

Good luck!

With the hug issue, maybe you can give him your tshirt to sleep with. 4 is still so little :) He does sound like he is pushing his no's. But, maybe in this case, he really wanted you for comfort.

It sounds like your son is being manipulative! My son was the same way at that age. He would do the stalling at bed time thing and it drove me nuts because it would end our day on such a bad note. However, he did learn that I wasn't too keen on the "one more hug and kiss" thing and has stopped doing it.

During the day though I would give him a punishment for not listening to your NO's. A good follow up to your answer of No is to ask him if he understands you. Get him to say "Yes Mom." That way if he asks you again you can give him a time out or something for not listening to you. It is disrespectful for him to always undermine your answer of No and he needs to learn to respect that you have the final say and not him. And tell him that whining is absolutely not going to be tolerated, he is too big for that now.

Best wishes!

When you get to the point where NO means NO and there are no more questions for the night...no more dragging things out...
It's okay to let NO mean NO more.

The sun will come out tomorrow and you can begin again with all the questions you have about the world and life in general, but for now, the clock says it's time for you to go to bed and sleep. Period.

As for the other inquisitive questions...tell your child when you get a chance you'll go to the library and look for books that contain the anwers to questions about lightening, etc. ONLY if he goes to bed and he doesn't bug you constantly about it.

I just always told my kids that the longer they bugged me after I already said NO was that much more time they would have to wait for me to ever say YES.
Bugging and begging set them backwards.
I meant it and I stuck to it.
Smart and inquistive children can be difficult because they want a smart and intelligent answer. Now.
Sometimes the smart and intelligent answer is....
We'll look into this when we have time to focus on it. For now, you're going to bed. (Or taking a bath or putting your shoes and toys away).
Screaming got my kids nowhere. In fact, it landed them backwards.

Don't over think this.
NO can mean NO and kids really can accept the concept even if they don't like it.

Play this song for him before bed.
My kids loved it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkIiaaXUjlE

Best wishes.

* I wanted to also share this version after thinking about it.
James Taylor has less hair :)
....I still have a secret crush on him.

Seriously, this was one of my kid's favorite songs before bed.
I sang it and had my own spin....
When the song was done, it was nigh-nigh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXxJHk3vWvo&feature=en...