My four-year-old son has always been a more intense and sensitive kid. He's been a lot better lately, whether it's because of his age or some early intervention services we've received or both. But one thing we're still struggling with is his tendency to cry at the slightest provocation. He cries when he's frustrated, he cries when his feelings are hurt, he cries if he gets even the littlest bit hurt. Things that other kids are able to brush off will send him wailing. I worry that, if he doesn't outgrow this, he will be picked on at school for being a crybaby. Already I see that his friends are a little wary around him, because his crying often gets them in trouble with their parents.
Has anyone else had a similar problem? What do you do? I do a lot of prep before playdates trying to give him alternative ways of handling upsetting situations. If someone hits him, I tell him to tell them, "Stop! I don't like that!" and to walk away. If he needs help or is frustrated, I tell him to count to ten or to take a deep breath or to come get me. We do lots and lots of talking about appropriate and acceptable ways of handling our "big feelings." He KNOWS it cognitively, but when something happens, it's like he's completely overwhelmed and unable to fall back on the strategies we had previously discussed.
I run the gamut from being sad for him when he is hurt, angry that he is not able to deal with it more effectively, embarrassed because it is MY kid who is always crying, and just overall frustrated that we are STILL dealing with this. He has a nine-month-old sister, and he cries way more than the baby. I would love any advice.
J.
I have a friend whose baby cried all the time and was the biggest wuss ever as they were growing up (comparing her to my kid), he turned out to be a marine.. mine was only army :)
Hi Jae~
I hope you'll see this response... I posted this exact question a short while ago, and I want you to read my post and responses. Be forewarned, it's LENGTHY! I have a really hard time being succinct... lol
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/9532666832260038657
I won't say too much here, since my post spells it all out, but I just want to add as an update to my previous post, that for us, IT WAS A PHASE. That's not to say that it should be ignored, it's a learning phase, where my son was learning how to handle anger, frustration, disappointment, etc... and of course, at just 5, he's still learning. But the days of crying at the drop of a hat have subsided, hopefully for good. It sounds like you are doing all the right things to coach your son through this phase. Keep up the good work. You seem like a very insightful and wise mom. Your son is lucky, and he'll come through this just fine.
One other little aside that I wanted to mention...
Just this weekend, we met a friend at McDonalds play area for a playdate - they came to our house after... While at McDonalds, my son got upset because his friend had taken my son's happy meal box into the play area to 'smash' it with his happy meal toy truck. Well, my son wanted his box so that he could smash it, but his friend wouldn't let him have it back. Big issues in the life of a 5 year old... lol This caused my son to meltdown. Alert - Coping skills breakdown. lol First, he cried a bit, then he went and sat under a portion of the climbing area by himself, still pouting/crying a bit, refusing to re-engage with the other kids or his friend, who by now, had gone over to ask him to come out and play... so seeing that he was still crying, even though 3 kids were now there, sitting in front of him, asking him to play (and I'm sure, just taking in the spectacle), I decided to intervene. I went over, picked him up, hugged him for as long as it took for me to sing him the 12 Days of Christmas backwards, from 12 drummers drumming, back to a partridge in a pear tree, not the whole song - lol, and that was all he needed to get himself together, and rejoin the group and have a good time.
I walked back to the table and shared with my son's friend's father (who also happens to be a lifelong friend of mine) what just happened. I told him how sometimes all the coaching, coaxing, rationalizing, etc. just doesn't do a darned thing... what they really need is a hug. We fight that for some reason, just loving them when they need a little extra love... we think we have to push them through it, make them strong, teach them a lesson, etc., when sometimes the simplest, and RIGHT answer is a simple, but powerful <<hug>>.
Best wishes to you... you and your son will be fine.
BTW, Grandma T's answer not only cracked me up, as she usually does, it says it all... I have a cousin who was the most sheltered, sissified little boy known to man because of his ridiculously overprotective mother, who has loosened up immensely over the years and after 3 kids - I do love her dearly, so no disrespect intended... Anyhow, her sheltered, sissified son signed up for the Marines at age 17 (before he even graduated high school, off to basic training after graduation), did a tour in Guantanamo Bay, and 2 tours in Afghanistan. He's now a deputy sheriff.
So much for not saying much here... lol
Told you I have a hard time being succinct... :)
Continue what you are doing encouraging him to use his words. When my son is crying I usually have to tell him "I cant understand you, I dont know what's wrong, I dont know what you want cuz I cant understand you"
" I wish I knew what was wrong" I keep saying this. Eventually he calms down enough to tell me what is wrong. Then I say "Oh you are soo sad because or you are so upset because..." I dont say "that's nothing to be upset about or why would you cry over that?" (even if I'm thinking it!) When kids get upset they act younger than they are. You're doing the right thing, so it will get better.
I don't know if this is helpful, but I cry at the drop of a hat too. I had friends growing up & am a productive member of society and a decent wife & mom.
One of my sons is pretty intense as well though not as "cry-y" as his Mom. I talk to him about how a bad feeling ALWAYS goes away - that no matter how bad it feels, it won't feel bad forever; that it's OK to cry & get it out but to remember he'll be happy again soon if he just keeps going.
Jae,
I could have written your question myself! I have a 3.5 year old boy who cries ALL THE TIME. I also have an 8 month old now, who doesn't cry half as much as his older brother. It is very hard. I so, so, soooo understand, and yet, I don't have much helpful advice. My oldest has always been very sensitive. We've started him in hockey/ skating lessons, partially to teach him that he can fall down and not get hurt and need to cry. His teacher is very firm, and tells him not to cry when he falls. It seems to be helping because he does "turn it off". Is your son just as sensitive when you are not there? My son doesn't cry much at playdates if I'm not there, so obviously he's able to control it, he just chooses not to for some reason when I'm there. If he's in preschool, talk to his teacher about it and ask how he is in class. I'd be interested in knowing more about the intervention he received and what they worked on, if you are willing to share.
Good luck. I'm sure they will get better with time (I hope!) :)
T.
Barefoot Books Ambassador
www.ReadandGrow.com
