4 1/2 Yr Old Constantly Fibbing

I told stories to make myself feel important through 3rd grade. It was very embarrassing when I got caught, which is probably why I stopped eventually. My parents were big on guilt and the idea of loss of trust. If they caught me in a lie once, then the next time, even if I was telling the truth and they knew it, they would refuse to believe me. Looking back, I knew they did it on purpose. They would tell me, "You say that's true, but since we know you lie to us, we don't believe you." That would hurt my feelings, but then I would try to show them I was trustworthy. When I did tell the truth in a case when my behavior would get me in trouble, I was rewarded for that.

I just want to add that I really disagree with the woman who said you should stay out of kids' fights. My friends' parents did that, and they would often bully their siblings in ways that surprised me, even through high school. My parents strictly enforced being nice to each other, and my brother and I learned to be sweet and respectful to each other at a young age, and were best friends by high school. I do not believe in letting kids work it out in most cases (obviously in minor disagreements where there is no physical contact or name calling, they can handle it themselves), because I don't think they have the skills to do so at this age. Good luck.

This is frustrating and there is no easy fix. You have to be patient and develop a mutually trusting relationship over time. Our 5-year-old is fibbing sometimes too and we're working hard on it.

The only advice I can give is to check your reaction to his (mis)behavior. Most kids fib because they don't want to get into trouble which is completely logical (if undesirable) behavior. If he hits his brother and you get mad at him, then the next time you ask him "did you hit your brother?" of course he will say no. Adele Faber (in "Siblings Without Rivalry") suggests not asking or assuming who is at fault. If you didn't see what happened then you don't really know. Take the situation as you find it, if one child is crying, comfort him and ask questions that will lead to your children (particularly the older one) trying to resolve it himself. Children this age are still developing their ability to empathize and it is hard for them to put themselves in other people's shoes.

Don't expect too much from him, continue to stress the importance of honesty and don't react in a negative way when he behaves in a way that you find unacceptable. Be calm, talk to him and let him know that you're not going to freak out if he does something wrong that way he will be more inclined to tell you if he does.

PS. I am also a music teacher :-)

I agree with Janet. Do not give him a chance to lie. If you saw him do it, don't ask if he did it, tell him he did it, and now here is the consequence. It is natural to lie to avoid getting into trouble, who wants to get in trouble? Be aware of what he is saying. I once sent my daughter out to play, telling her she couldn't go to X's house. When she came back in, and without me asking told me I didn't go over to X's house, I knew she had because why else would she tell me she didn't. She brought it up, not me. As for sibling fights, the easiest thing is to stay out of them as much as possible, unless there is blood. If you saw the problem, then you can intervene. But remember, there are two sides to every story, and the story is usually told in the tellers best interest. Even the 2 yr. old. Also, oftentimes, the problem started long before we heard what was going on.
good luck. It's only beginning. There are those who say you aren't really a parent until you have more than 1 child.
R.

I disagree with the person below! I don't think a child should ever be beat! I think a child lies because they dont want to deal with the conseqences of what they done wrong. Thats why anyone lies! My daddy always told us we would be in more trouble for lying than for whatever we done in the first place. So make the punishment for lying more severe than any other punishment and he will learn lying is the worst thing he can do if he dont want to be punished. But nip this in the bud now or he will become an adult lyer, and there is nothing more disgusting than an adult that lies! but this is really a fase all kids go thru. if he lie to you take away all toys, strip his room bare and dont return none of it till he can prove he can tell the truth.

Do not give him the chance to lie. If you saw it happen, and you know he did something, simply state I just saw you do x and you know that means I must punish you with y. If you did not see something happen, be honest to say you did not see it happen and since you do not know who to believe, both will have consequences. Maybe make his more severe since he should be old enough to know better. And discuss what it will take from him to regain your trust.