3Yr Old Won't Poop in Toilet

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Be well.

N.

L. B,

You are on the right track. My 2 1/2 year old daughter has been "1/2 potty trained" since the beginning of may. She has no problem going pee pee in the potty, but she just doesn't let us know when it's time to poop. That is until 3 days ago. Suddenly, out of the blue, she said she had to go poo poo and my husband took her into the bathroom and POOF she went in the potty. She has done it 3 days in a row now and we are so proud of her. What did we do? Not much. But the big key is to stay calm no mater what. If she pooped in her pants I made sure she knew that the pants were now ruined. She would see me get a plastic bag and throw away the underpants. Every time she pooped in her pants we reminded her that if she tells us we can help her do it in the potty and she won't ruin her underpants. Other than that we tried not to make a big deal about it.

I do want to point out something that I've seen a couple of times on this site including one of the responses to your question. When kids go hide to poop it is NOT an indication that they "know it is wrong." My daughter and every kid I know started seeking privacy to poop as soon as she began to recognize that she needed to poop. So when your son goes to hide behind a chair it's not a out of shame, it's human nature to want to be alone to defecate. Pooping, while certainly stinky and gross, is not BAD. It is a natural bodily function. Which is why we were strongly warned not to reward or punish our daughter during the toilet learning process. We have some friends who over reacted once to their son's poop accident and he was so traumatized that he stopped pooping all together. No joke, he didn't poop for 2 weeks at a time. The doctor gave them laxatives and he still held it in for days. He wasn't fully potty trained for another year.

Again, just be patient. The doctor told us that there are really only 2 things that kids this age can control - what they eat and when they go to the bathroom. You can not control when he's going to go, but you can help him learn the benefit of going in a potty.

Good luck.

That's actually SUPER common. Many kids don't poop in the potty until a year or TWO after they're potty trained. The position is awkward, and requires using muscles in a different way, AND they have to balance. (Using an asian style toilet, aka squatty-potty is SUPER easy for kids, but our western ones are harder). This goes double for any kids who have Large bowel movements. The angle changes, and not only is it harder to eliminate, it hurts more as well.

About the preschool, though, you can relax. If he can pee in the toilet, and "hold it" to poop at home...you're golden. Not only can most kids hold it, but if they can't, the peer pressure will get them on the potty in no time. Accidents DO happen, but any preschool worth it's salt is SOOOO used to accidents. You'll undoubtedly be required to have two changes of clothes from tops to socks, in ziplock bags to be left at the school for just such an eventuality.

Hi L.:
What your son is going through,is quite common .Children this age,have a few fears regarding bowel movements.First,they are more aware of their bodies,therefore they become concerned when something they consider foreign, is coming out of their body.They aren't sure whether its normal,or if something is wrong.Children this age,also have a fear of sitting on a hole.(Toilet) They can worry about falling in,or just fret about where this part of them goes when you flush.Discipline is not the way to go.Key is to encourage him to achieve his goal.Don't push,don't act disappointed in him or frustrated. He needs your full support.(He needs to feel YOU believe he can do it)Mishaps,should be taken lightly.Next time,we'll get to the toilet sooner. Mommy will help remind you and you remind mommy when you feel like you have to go.I use to keep a few favorite books in the bathroom. It helped relax my sons.They weren't just sitting there thinking they had to poop on demand. lol. Don't make them sit for to long.This is why they hesitate to go back.(Boredom) If he doesn't have to go, remove him, wait a little while and have him go again a little latter.Keep a closer eye on the times he usually has a movement.That will help a lot.Don't make it to big a deal,but of course let him know your pleased with his progress.Let him (accidentally) hear you brag about him to his dad.I know your feeling pressed for time,but if you appear frantic,or in a hurry ,you'll make him feel pressured. Prolonging things. I wish you and your growing son the best. J. M

I am sure you will get plenty of responses on this one. I am a firm believer in they will do it when they are ready-not when we are. The more I talked about the potty-the ore my daughter ignored me. She is 31/2 and I put no pressure on her-on Tues we were going swimming and I know she always goes outside when we go swimming so I asked her if she ahd to go and she said NO! So I got her potty and my mom put it outside and she went on it-and ever since then she tells me Mom I have to go potty-u wait there till I tell u I am done-and she goes and potties and then calls me-I don't have to nag or ask she just does it. And today she pooped on the potty and she is sooooo proud of herself. My point being-don't force allow them to do it on their own. I know there will be parents who make their kids do it, but that is not my style-that is why we are all different. I always say GOOD THINGS COME TOT HOSE WHO WAIT! Why push it-Good Luck! L.!

Hi L.,

I would explain to him that he can't go to school if he doesn't use the potty and try a rewards chart. If he goes on the potty he gets a sticker then after a few weeks of stickers (you decide how long) he gets a treat or reward. We took away our son's diaper when he was 3 and told him he had no choice and had to go on the potty and he did it. Let your older son help by leading the way and showing his younger brother that there is nothing scary about using the toilet.

Hope this helps! Good luck.

u need to talk to him..i wouldn't discipline..do u take his poop from his pants and flush it down the toilet in front of him? has he seen u poop? yep gross but...??? My son is 3.5 potty trained except for he wears an over night in bed at night..
i had one problem...he wouldn't tell me when he had to go so he would have accidents..then when i had a meeting at the preschool he over heard the principle and i talking about this problem he has in her office..after he heard the conversation he never had an accident again and always tells me when he has to go..
i think it's all about communication and really explaining why..how ..etc..he sees the dog poop and i say "he is an animal and animals poop outside but we are not animals and we use the toilet" keep it simple. Today my son asked me why everyone says "no" all the time and i explained it to him and he understood.
i don't have an easy little guy he's very active and head strong but he listens ...so try talking ..be patient..and celebrate when he poops in the toilet..do u have a little potty for him? my son likes to poop in that one best...now what he does is he'll poop then go into the bathroom and unravel a whole roll of toilet paper just to wipe ..and he has no idea what he's doing..it's a mess!

Try turning him around on the toilet (facing the back). This worked for my son.

C., mother of 3, sleep consultant, sleep blog writer www.lullabyluna.com

Hi L., We went through a similar thing with our first born. It was more severe with our son though. He would NOT defecate in the toilet, even though he had urinated in it for a long time, and was completely dry at night for months. I think he was scared for some reason. When we were at a park he had pooped his pants, and it took a long time to clean him. He was really upset about it, I stayed calm- but a passerby came into the bathroom to see what all the noise was about. I tried rewards, circles in the toilet, etc. I even took him to a child psychologist, who unfortunately was worthless. I did start to stress out because he had been urine trained for 6-9 months, and started to withhold, and not want to poop at all. He was a big boy- about 3 and 1/2 then and I had a new born baby girl. I was stressing all over the place and told the pediatrician I was.

What happened eventually was his pediatrician put him on the maximum laxative for his size because she said he could develop stones. After 3 days his grandma saw when he was at her house that he needed to void. She put him on the toilet and he said "It didn't hurt." He never had a problem after that.

Maybe this is TMI- but I do want you to see that your son's isn't that bad. Since he has gone at the sitter's house- (Yeah!), I think you need to be extra vigilant- and watch him when he goes to hide somewhere- and put him on the toilet. Of course keep up the positive talk,etc. Don't punish him if he has an accident.

What did your sitter do? Chances are she told him, in no uncertain terms, that he would use the toilet when he had to. She probably made it very clear that it made her angry when he didn't. (By "angry" I mean upset and disappointed, not yelling and hollering.) Since she knows he can, she expects him to, period, no questioning ("Would you like to..." or "Do you have to...") or pleading ("Please, honey, then you can go play.") Whatever she did, it's working, so I would ask her about it and do the same thing at home. Sometimes parents aren't firm enough, because they're afraid of being "mean," but if he understands what to do and is physically able to do it, he should be expected to do it, every time.

One more thing: this may not work for everyone, but I never taught my kids (I have 4) to tell me when they needed to go. I taught them to go by themselves. These skills weren't about me, they were about the child. I would check afterward to see if they'd cleaned themselves up properly, and I'd help wash their hands, but using the potty was on their own. They diodn't need to tell me, or get me to help, they just needed to go. (If you try this, make sure he's in clothes he can handle by himself; maybe practice how to pull his own pants up and down.) Some kids really don't want or need their parents to be involved, but they're willing to go on their own.

Hi L., keep doing what you are doing, if he's hiding to poop in his pants he knows its wrong, your using reward and discipline, to me thats the way to do it. Make sure you and your child care provider on the same page and work together to correct this problem, pre school wont take them if they are not comletely potty trained. J. L.

My 3 yr old daughter did the same thing. I tried everything... nothing worked. My ped was right, it was a control issue. So, I ignored it, let her go in her pullup when she needed to, didn't make a big deal about it... no reward, no punishment... just matter of fact. I don't remember how long it took, but we were down to the last pullup & I told her that it was the last one, again very matter of fact. At that point, she didn't want to go in her panties, so she went on the potty.

Good luck!

L. B

The memories that flooded my mind when I read your thoughts. My daughter did the same thing for about six months. She is a middle child and she would not poop in the potty chair. I began to take her in with me when I went to the bathroom and she eventually found it was ok to poop in the potty. With my grand daughter I let this go for a while, then we had a little talk about how this would not be allowed to continue. She would do both in the potty after our little talk. With my daughter my grand daughter would pee and poop in her panties and my daughter could not understand why she would do this with her and not me. I couldn't answer this one, but I did have a talk with my grand daughter and told her that this would not be tolerated for any reason, I also gave her a consequence that would happen if she continued to poop in her panties. As I said she discontinued this behavior and used her potty from that day forward. Of course I also told her big girls don't poop in their panties. Somehow between the different options she realized she had to stop pooping in her panties. She could be very uncomfortable pooping in the potty, when she see's there is no reason for these feelings of fear. You will find the right reward, and your son will soon accept that he cannot use his underwear for a toilet. You sound like a very good mother, your instincts will give you the right guidance.

I agree with Sharon Z's thoughts since this is one of the things I would investigate to keep the program the same at your home and the babysitters. Good Luck.

Does he have a fairly regular pattern of when he goes? My son used to almost always go during nap time and it was interfering with his nap. Potty training actually "cured" that issue and he's napping again! I just started putting him on his potty after lunch before his nap and gave him magazines and books to look through (he prefers guitar magazines, but also has some special potty books he likes that are about going potty). It didn't work the first time or two but eventually he caught on and it worked. Sometimes it varies when he goes, obviously, but that is the most common time for him. He also gets two stickers for poop and one sticker for pee. He has a sticker "collection" on his dresser.

Just remember, show him how pleased you are when he goes on the potty, but don't discipline him if he doesn't. Of course you want to let him know that it doesn't please you when he goes in his pants, but try not to make it a huge deal. When we were first potty learning, I let my son run around naked and we had a couple poop on the carpet accidents and I just said calmly, "oops! next time let's try to get it in the potty, OK?" and then he "helped" me clean it up. If you do initially get upset (normal shock "arrgh" reaction), try to remember to take a few breaths and then let him know that even though you're upset, that you still love him no matter what!

You're doing great, he'll get there!