How do I let this go and move on when I'm in mama bear mode over someone mistreating my child? I'm seeking support, not criticism from holier than thou types who wish to side with a heartless teacher who would crush a child's spirit. This is from my blog:
The Cupcake Incident
This past week has been incredibly stressful! It started out on a high note, my 9 year old daughter was elected Mayor of her 3rd grade class! She worked very hard for this-- she wrote a precious speech and made a cute poster asking people to vote for her. I couldn't have been more proud! For a couple of weeks, we contemplated the stats-- could she break up the boy vote, could the girl vote split go her way? We knew she had a chance! Of course she had a chance-- she is a sweet, loving, kind child who goes out of her way to "do what is right", whether it is sticking up for her peers or following school policy to the letter, she is a pleaser! And, she's senstive as well; she's the kid that gets upset if she gets a 90 on a math paper or forgets the "e" on the end of a spelling word. So, when only one day after celebrating her victory she was accused of "bribery" during the election, you can only imagine how devastated she was. You know what people look like when they've been crying for days... well, when you see that look on your sweet child's face, it is heartbreaking... and mama bear switch is immediately flipped. Some of you may know what I am talking about...
So, here's what started the accusation. The day that my child came home with news that there was going to be a class election and that she wanted to run for Mayor, we started planning, discussing how she was going to campaign. At this point, she didn't know what a campaign was, what a city council did, much less what a bribe was. And, it is important to note that no official, written rules ever came home with the students; us parents could only rely on the very shallow information that makes it back home after 7 hours at school, 1 hour of homework, 2 hours of dance class, etc. So, on that very first day, I tell her, "sweetie, that is so great that you are running for Mayor; if you win, I will bring your class cupcakes!". Well, who knew that those would be haunting words? Not me.
The next day, she went to school and apparently told some of her friends, "If I win, my mom is going to bring the class cupcakes". Most of the kids know me well because I'm the class room mom, and I volunteer a lot; I also have lunch at the school regularly. One kid who heard this said something like, "you can't say that, that is a bribe". That night, she brought up having told her friends and what the one kid said; I said, "sweetie, that is not a bribe, but were you told not to bring treats to school for the election?" She said, "well, no, I don't think so... she told us not to bribe". I said, "Okay, well, just don't mention them again until after the election since it is causing a problem; then I'll bring cupcakes!" Neither I nor my husband thought anything of it, and neither did she. In fact, some of her friends in different classes were handing out "vote for me" candy and treats at school, nothing that I thought of as a "bribe".
Let's think about this for a second... why would pre-election handouts be a bribe? I have stickers, buttons, and t-shirts from elections. What is the difference between that and candy? You can ask for someone's vote and hand them something of little value as a token or reminder. In addition, candidates have post-election celebrations, so why would a cupcake party celebrating a victory be a bribe? Wouldn't it just be a "potential celebration"? Perhaps it is a campaign promise, but a bribe, well, that is kind of pushing it... she wasn't offering them cash or favors... just cupcakes. And she wasn't offering them only to supporters-- they would've been for everyone. Let's have perspective.
Flash forward to election day... the votes had taken place, and I was up at school having lunch with the kids. They were all talking about it, and I said, "that is so cool... if she won, I'll bring the whole class cupcakes to celebrate!" Everyone was happy about that. Then there was the next day after she had won... some kid decided to tell the teacher that my child broke a rule. Instead of privately investigating the issue, she decided to address the class, and in that address, she called out my child by name and humiliated her. My sweet, sensitive, over-achieving, people-pleasing, "friend to all" child was reduced to a ball of tears by this accusation. When probed, her response was something like, "no, I didn't bribe" and "my mom told me she'd bring cupcakes". She may not have known what bribery is, but she knew it was something bad, and she was terrified that the teacher would think that she was bad.
So, this teacher calls me. Her tone is very serious as she says, "we have a problem; it seems as she broke an election rule", etc. Again, no rules were ever sent home, so I am totally unaware that there are any rules. I am shocked and upset because I know by what she is saying, that my child is undoubtedly somewhere extremely upset, and she was. During the course of the conversation in which she informed me that she called my child out in front of the class, upset her, and that she was thinking of stripping her of her win, she asks me if I see the seriousness of the scenario; so, I apologize for the unintentional breaking of the rule and assure her that I in no way see the seriousness of the situation. After all, my child is a sweet 3rd grader, a Terrific Texan, an EXPO student... not a political criminal.
That day, I went to lunch and saw swarms of students consoling my child. They were telling me about what had happened, that they knew she is a great friend and would never break any rules, and that they were going to take care of her. Hello, that is why she won-- not because of cupcakes. Also that day, I was told of other kids who had handed out candy, donuts, etc. during the election with no incident. Why was my child being singled out?
I joked a lot during this 3rd grade election about political contributions, vote padding, etc., never thinking for one second that my child would really be accused of such atrocities!
My husband and I sat down for a couple of hours and composed an email expressing these points: 1. What she did was not a bribe. 2. We never intentionally broke any rule. 3. The situation was mishandled, and my child is heartbroken. 4. Perhaps guidelines can be sent out in the future to prevent such mishaps. 5. I can still bring cupcakes if I'm allowed to.
It is very easy dealing with kids, but it is so hard dealing with adults. It has become painfully apparent to me that there is such a broad spectrum of thought, and unless you are dealing with like-minded people, the world is a very tough place to navigate. Society tires me out; I would prefer to be a hermit always protected by the confinements of my own home. I'd like to keep my children in confinement as well-- the world is full of heartbreak and disappointment. What she's learned is: No matter how hard you try, you may never win favor with people you respect and admire. and 2. Listening to your parents can get you into trouble. Neither of these are good lessons.
No 8 year old who unintentionally broke a DUMB rule should have to forfeit something they worked for, earned, and is extremely excited about. For one thing, the class split is 13 girls, 7 boys... fill in the dots there, and on another note, she's actually liked, and not just for her mom's cupcakes :). Whomever suggests that we treat this issue as a "big deal" and have her "forfeit" either does not have kids or is not understanding the situation, perhaps my fault for not explaining it correctly... because the notion is downright absurd to me. I will tell my child nothing but that she did nothing wrong and her treatment was not warranted because that is not debatable to me.
More Answers
M.F.
answers from
Phoenix
on
I'm sorry that this happened, but I see the teacher's side in this and also the side of the child who didn't win. While you and your daughter didn't mean to sway any votes with your cupcake promise to her and with her telling her classmates about the promised cupcakes if she won, a promised cupcake party for the class can be a very key factor in determining who a 3rd grader will vote for, even more so than a great speech or great poster. Understanding elections, campaigns and kids, I would have skipped the promise of cupcakes all together (just one more disappointment for her if she hadn't won), but at least told her not to mention the cupcake party to her classmates, as you wouldn't want that to be the reason they vote for her. If you put yourself in the other candidate's shoes, you can see how it may look like "bribing" the class for votes, as that child didn't make any promises of special treats. If you hadn't promised your daughter cupcakes for the class and the other child told the kids her parents would buy pizza for the class if she won, I'm sure you and your child would also feel that that was an unfair, even if not mean-spirited or calculated, advantage in the election. I think you should have explained elections, campaigns and kids a little better to your daughter so she would have known not to mention the promised cupcakes and then this whole situation would have been avoided.
A., I'm sorry that you feel the need to berate me both publicly and privately for posting my opinion. When you posted your question, I thought you honestly wanted other mothers' opinions on the situation. If you only want people to respond who agree 100% with you and your take on the situation, please include that in your post in the future, so that anyone who happens to disagree or have another opinion will not waste their time responding or risk being put down by you for speaking their mind.
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B.O.
answers from
Portland
on
I was the chairperson of the election committee(a paid position as well) at my college last year, so I have gained quite a bit of experience addressing apposite conduct from candidates:)
Your direct quote was..."okay... if you win, I'll take the class cupcakes to celebrate!"......so that is what she passed along to her friends. It is an indirect bribe, whether you choose to see that or not. You did not say "regardless of who wins I will bake cupcakes.", which is a little better but does fall into the realm of greasing the system. Because your daughter shared the cupcake info with other students, that is considered poor form. To keep it completely innocent, had she not shared the cupcake info and then you surprised the class with cupcakes, then yes, that would make it not an indirect bribe. Knowledge/information can be empowering or detrimental to situations, it is such a fine line to learn about. This could be a good teaching moment for the whole class.
I don't think that you purposely meant to bribe, but you should acknowledge how it does fall into that realm instead of being so defensive about it. You could use this experience to teach your daughter about self reflection and accountability of actions, even when the effects are unintended. If I was the teacher I would have been serious about it too, BUT I would have used the experience to teach about the effects of communication and the rules of real politics. I as a teacher would have also had a broad curriculum in place to address this kind of mishap instead of being forceful with a parent.(perhaps a guidelines letter to go out to the parents before the election) I am sure this teacher is on a learning curve too and might think of preventative measures for this in the future. Think of it this way: let's say I was running for mayor of your town, and I had rich parents, and I came up to you during my campaign and said "If I win the election my mom is going to buy Ferrari's for the whole town to celebrate!" You would have to admit that it was an indirect bribe, or else you would be in total denial of how politics really works:) Hope that helps.
Oh, and what would I have done as a parent? I would have acknowledged to the teacher my mistake in choice of offers/actions while maintaining my intent was not to bribe. I would work with the teachers to resolve the issue for all parties involved, not just for the benefit of my own child. THAT would be true diplomacy:)
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A.D.
answers from
Minneapolis
on
I think you made a mistake telling your daughter you would provide cupcakes to celebrate if she wins. And you know, I really do believe that you are a good mom, and you just got excited, and didn't think about how this would play out, that kids she told would surely want her to win and have that cupcake party! Honestly, I can see myself doing the same thing, just not thinking it through that it really isn't a good idea because the cupcake factor can/will influence the election results. I think you need to talk to the teacher and tell her the mistake was yours, and yours alone. Your daughter did not sit in her room and scheme up this to be a bride for her to win. It was your idea, and she just got excited about it. Instead of coming down so harshly on your daughter, I think it would be better to use this as a lesson and create some more clear guidelines for her FUTURE classes. There was no need to humiliate your daughter. Even if it WAS her idea, these are children, and they are just in the learning process. Honestly though, if you can get past the teacher's harshness to see how the other candidate or candidates may be feeling, though it may not be fair to your daughter, the greater unfairness is to the losing child, and I'm sorry to say, but I think it would show a lot of class if your daughter can walk in to class, tell her teacher she will forfeit the election or offer to co-Mayor with the losing candidate. She should acknowledge she did not win fairly, though she did not INTEND for that to happen. Just a lesson that was learned. I'm sorry something that was supposed to be fun turned ended so sadly.
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E.K.
answers from
Minneapolis
on
Our children's class elections come with a simple sign-up form that the child and parents have to sign-off on. It details the obligations you have to meet if you run (make a poster, give a speech, volunteer, etc.). It also outlines how the elections do not work. And in big bold letters it includes no hand outs (i.e. buttons, stickers, etc.) and no treats of any kind. My interpretation is that no $$$ may be spent on the election.
If your school did not send home with some sort of paper outlining the rules of the election, I would work with the school to ensure they have one ready for next year so that all children are aware of and held accountable for the same rules.
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L.
answers from
Mobile
on
Wow. I think the teacher went overboard, but I don't think Missy wrote anything so terrible. The difference between handing out treats and the cupcakes is valid. A kid can eat a candy handed out whether they vote for one kid or not, but they only get the cupcakes if your daughter wins. I would've asked the teacher before promising any in-class treat. Still, the teacher seems to have overreacted. If you don't want honest, civil feedback, though, you may want to let people know that you only want replies from those who agree. In any case, I don't think anyone was saying you're a bad parent. :-)
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B.K.
answers from
Chicago
on
I'm on your side mama. It's third grade. And it wasn't a bribe. People on here don't seem to understand what a bribe is. She was an excited little girl telling her friends her mom was gonna bring cupcakes in if she won. Big deal. The teacher is out of line here, and the moms on here chastising you and throwing the word bribe around are as silly as the teacher. Sheesh. I don't know how you can fix it. Sounds like the teacher should be in a high school setting, not 3rd grade. So sorry this all happened to you.
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T.W.
answers from
Denver
on
I can certainly see how this whole thing got blown out of proportion but that teacher is entirely out of line! She needed to address this with you and see how you all could handle it best together. Your daughter just had her little honest heart crushed by a teacher that should know her well enough to know she wouldn't do this on purpose!
I would talk to the principal and watch this teacher VERY closely. She may take this whole thing out on your daughter for the rest of the year and that would just crush your little girl even more. If the principal cannot help you get this situation under control, i.e., an apology directly to your daughter in front of you so you can hear her verbiage first hand, then I say look to place her somewhere else.
Good luck to you.
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S.H.
answers from
Honolulu
on
You told your daughter "IF you win I'll take the class cupcakes to celebrate."
THAT is NOT a bribe. Your daughter did NOT "bribe" anyone. She does not even know what a bribe it. The other kids were passing out treats to the others saying "Vote for me..." then the Teacher told them not to blah blah blah.
Your Daughter, mistook what you INITIALLY said... and unknowingly... told the kids that if vote for her they will get cupcakes. A common malady of hearsay and especially with kids.
The Teacher who reprimanded her and you... seems to be taking it out more on your Daughter... because she actually won the Election.... by cupcakes.
DID you tell the Teacher... it was all a misunderstanding? That that is NOT what you told your daughter to do???? You simply told your daughter "IF you win I will take the class cupcakes to celebrate...." To me, that is a BIG difference... in what then transpired and how your daughter.... interpreted what you said. Mistakenly. Which kids.. often do.
The key to this is... your daughter did NOT consciously and knowingly... "bribe" anyone. And to her, a child... the OTHERS were offering 'treats' too... to vote for them.
But the difference is, your Daughter won. The Teacher does not seem to like that... because, she IS deciding to have contempt for your daughter... and no matter what... punished her and IN FRONT OF THE CLASS.... and humiliated her. Like a Bully.
To me... how the Teacher handled it... is blatantly wrong.
But the Teacher did not follow through on her 'threat' to take away her win... and I assume, your daughter is still "Mayor?"
BUT the Teacher seemed to want you to admit to something... which was simply not the case.
But I think... the Teacher does and will have... a wrong assumption... of your daughter/you... for who knows how long.... now.
AND as the other poster said... I hope the Teacher does not have it in for your daughter... for the rest of the year... and does not 'pick' on her... just because of this "Election."
As Tiffany W. said.
I ditto her.
The Teacher... needs to be talked to. To correct her ERRONEOUS beliefs... about your daughter and you.
Because, what happened is simply... NOT what the Teacher, assumes.
The Teacher is wrong... or at least... so caught up in "ideals" ... and her stance... that she cannot see the forest for the trees. So she is, I think, still "assuming" that your daughter is NOT a 'nice' girl... nor you.
This all started, with your conversation with your daughter in which you said "IF you win, I'll take the class cupcakes to celebrate...."
To me... that is in no way... anything to do with "bribing."
I think that yes, the Teacher.. .needs to apologize.
all the best,
Susan
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K.B.
answers from
Tulsa
on
I would not worry about an apology for yourself. If you raise cain to get one, it is insincere anyways. Is this a young, new teacher?
You were right to not let her take away the win, though she sure damaged it.
If you want the apology for your child, I understand that. The only way it would happen is to make an appointment with the principal and teacher and the principal makes her apologize.
The teacher was out of line and totally wrong. I would calmy explain to the principal that there were no written rules and everything you said here.
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V.W.
answers from
Minneapolis
on
3rd grade politics are more complicated than the adult politics!
You probably shouldn't have mentioned the cupcake party and should have just left it as a surprise at the end or something, but I understand that you probably said it "in the moment" and honestly who the hell would think that cupcakes would be such a big deal? Lol
