3.5 Year Old Holding Pee and poop...playing a Power Game

Ditto Denise P.

Power struggle or not... is a child starts to "withhold" their poop, it can become a very difficult MEDICAL condition... leading to -constipation, and "encopresis." These things will need medical intervention.

When my daughter was potty training, she started to withhold her poop. We never forced her to go on a toilet nor pressured her for pottying.... but it just made her feel anxious. Then she didn't want to poop. A child, will OFTEN "master" pooping, later.
We had to see a Pediactric Gastroenterologist... HE said: do NOT pressure a child emotionally, just to poop. Because it causes all sorts of medical problems. And the more they withhold their poop, the harder it gets, then it is PAINFUL for it to come out... and because it 'hurts' the child will NOT want to poop at all. At all. Then they get bulging bowels and constipation gets worse, and Encopresis can occur. Which is an involuntary medical condition.
HE said, that for my daughter, her 'constipation' and withholding of poop, may take even 3 months... to correct. We also had to give her prescription of things to correct the consistency of her poop... and THEN, the child has to overcome the "emotion" based 'fear' of pooping because it hurts and because it is just a negative association.

Anway, don't pressure her. Don't turn it into a battle, just to poop. Let her go in a diaper. No biggie. She obviously is not 'ready' for any of that. Thus 'regression.' Regression in a child is a symptom of 'stress' or their inability to cope with something.

She is already 'withholding' her poop. This is not healthy and can lead to other medical problems, as I mentioned.

all the best,
Susan

It's dangerous for her to hold poop like that. She could develop encopresis. But you may be doing more back-stepping by making it a power struggle. What if you just let it go and she goes when she goes?

Have you tried a quiet conversation about the situation? Your daughter may have some pretty clear ideas about what needs of her own she's trying to satisfy by holding out. If you can find out what's going on in her head (and to do this, you'll have to suspend your assumption that it's a "power game," because that will block you from hearing her issues), she may realize that there are better ways to get those needs met.

When I hear parents talk in terms of kids manipulating or exercising power, I always wonder how much power the parents are exercising over the child. Kids tend to be controlled, a lot, in ways that adults would never be able to tolerate, and they are less emotionally prepared to deal with all that frustration. If this could be the case for your daughter, are there ways you can relax your scheduling and requirements on her time and attention? She may authentically need more down time, free time, transition time. And if that's so, she may well be exercising the small bit of power she has access to – control of her own body functions.

This has got to be a huge concern for you. I'd like to suggest the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It gives really practical advice on how to respond to kids by not denying the feelings they have. Amazingly, children can often resolve their own unhappiness once they believe you have really listened to them.

My best to you all.

hi there
it's a phase. my son was the same way. albeit, I truly don't believe in my opinion it's a power play... not at such a young age. some will disagree, however, I don't think young children are really out to get us.. :) they , for whatever reason might fear to go.. even IF at first they did go freely..
my son did that.. at first, he seemed to go without us having to nudge him, then it stopped and seemed fearful... gradually, he grew out of this phase..
I assure you, it will pass. try not to be so tough on her, especially because I don't think she might understand what it means to frustrate you or your husband.. to make her feel guilty about not performing a bowel movement is really not such a great thing to do. at least as I see it.. now, if this child was much older and still having issues, then I might think it was to frustrate you .. but again, at this age.. she is just being 3 1/2... try and be patient :)

Take a breath and approach it from a different angle. I'm assuming you are home with her, that would make this easiest but if not get everyone on board.
Make a schedule and tell her firmly but not angrily that she will sit on the potty for 2 minutes when she wakes up, after lunch, after dinner, and at bedtime (use a timer for the 2 minutes so she can see,) I'm just suggest the after meal thing since I think if you push liquids they usually have to pee 15-20 mins later. that gives you time to clean up a bit and transition to nap or what ever.
Find a reward for her for every time she sits for the 2 minutes. take her to buy new stickers or give her an mandm just like potty training again. SHe doens't have to actually pee but just sit there. Pack her a potty bag or basket, with books in it too look at or music to listen too, Blowing Bubbles helps to relax the kids muscles and helps them to actually void. Bring a dolly and have the dolly sit on a little potty next to her, or take a turn first, Bring that bag in every time or leave it in "her" potty. Again, it's basically like you are training her all over again. But this time you are really just training her to sit. Don't punish if nothing happens, but do make her responsibe for cleaning up.
it' might be time to ditch the diapers, if she is holding it until nap, but then you put her in panties maybe she will do in the potty.
Oh and Model going potty and let her watch.

hope that helps. just break down the behavior that you want, which is sitting on the toilet, I'm pretty sure she iwll begin to actually do something on it. and when that happens make a huge fuss. Once she is successful keep going for another 2 weeks and then slowly expect her to go by herself.

Dear Carolyn,
take one step at a time. Try to get her to pee first, when she masters that then you move on to the poop. Monitor her liquid intake and give her maybe 1/2hr-45mins and have her sit on the potty. If she tells you she doesn't have to go, let the faucet water run a little and see what happens. Pretend you are washing your hands or cleaning the sink, but let that water run some. For pooping I would make sure she is eating enough fiber so that she doesn't get constipated and then it'll hurt her going to the bathroom.
But just do one issue at a time and be patient.
Blessings

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